This chapter is rated R cause... well... you know... they kind of have sex... hehehe... but just like in my previews fic I tried to focus more in the feeling than in the act itself
Remeber to review after you're done reading and that this characters do not belong to me.
Now with the story...
----Overcoming the loneliness – Ch 9 (7 years ago)----
The night fell silent as Ross sat on the couch totally alone in a total darkness, the apartment only illuminated by the lights of the city that came through the window, it seemed like a busy night for everybody else. Chandler had gone out on a date. He was alone and felt alone. He looked around for a while 'till he found the stereo remote lying next to him and pushed play. "With or without you" came through the sound system and he sighed. He hated having left things like that with Rachel, he had just stood up and left her alone in her room the day before. But what else could he had done? Lie to her? Telling her nothing had happened with Carol? He had promised her the truth all the time, "I've had enough lies for a lifetime" she had told him once, but this time the truth had lead them into a huge fight. Their first actual fight and it hurt. Cause as much as he wanted, he couldn't take back what he had done, he couldn't erase it, just like he just couldn't understand what was so big and terrible about it. He knew with Rachel would be different, everything with Rachel was different.
Ross's thoughts stopped and he just started listening to the song. "Through the storm we reach the shore, you've given all but I want more". Ross smiled at this verse of the song, probably he wanted more from Rachel, and he was expecting her to understand him when there was nothing to understand. The whole thing with Carol had been one huge mistake, been with a girl while he still was in love with other not only hurt both girls, but also him. Lying to himself about what he felt and doing all it was necessary to take Rachel out of his mind hadn't worked. A few times he found himself not wanting it to work. And now, almost a year and a half later, he was paying the consequences to his bad decisions. And he wanted her to understand something even him didn't understand.
Sex had always been a big deal for girls, more than for guys. They always dreamt about their first time being with the ideal guy. Ross knew Rachel had an ideal man in her head, just like any other girl… and above all things wanted to be that man, for her, for them. He wanted to give her everything she dreamed, everything she wanted, everything she wished for. But if now he couldn't fit the image of that ideal man, things could start getting difficult.
With or without you, with or without you
I can't live, with or without you
"That song reminds me of you" Rachel's words broke the silence that ruled the darkness of the living room, making Ross snap back to reality. He hadn't heard her coming in
"Yeah" he smiled weakly "it makes me think of you too"
"So we can say that's like… our song right? God why is it so dark in here?" she asked turning on the lights to see Ross looking at her sweetly and full of regret.
"So… you are not mad at me anymore?"
"I wasn't mad Ross" replied Rachel as she walked across the room to sit right next to Ross "I was more hurt than mad"
"But why were you so hurt sweety? it's not like I did it while we were together, she was my girlfriend back then".
The word 'girlfriend' sunk in Rachel's ears, she really had been his girlfriend, but she didn't even want to think about that. "I know she was Ross, but you have no idea how much it hurts me knowing you had a girlfriend while I was in London, crying my eyes out, thinking about you. Just knowing that you also were having sex with her, something you have never done with me, it's even harder to handle"
"I know". Ross stood up from the couch and kneeled in front of her, supporting his hands on her knees. "But I also know that I didn't love her. It was just the heat of the moment. I love YOU Rach… no one else".
"I know you do" she replied softly
He kissed her forehead and wiped away a single tear from her face. "As long as we are clear there". He said smiling. "The day you and I have sex it will be completely different sweety, cause you are different, my feelings for you are different. I'll be doing it because I love you, because every part of me loves you. That's why I don't care how much I have to wait for you to be ready, cause I'll be ready whenever you are. And I know I'll be much more nervous and it will be much more exciting than the first time. It would be a completely different first time, it would be OUR first time, and that single fact would make it the most special first time ever"
"How come you always know what to say?" she said, smiling sweetly at him as she looked into his beautiful puppy eyes.
"It's a gift" he replied smiling as well. "I understand why this is a big deal for you sweety, but you don't have to be scared, ok? I would never hurt you or do anything you don't want me to. I love you and I wanna make you happy. And I respect you, you mean everything to me". Ross ran his fingers through her face, as she closed her eyes, just feeling his gentle touch.
She wanted to take everything to the next level so badly, but couldn't help being afraid, specially of her father. The image of Dr. Green telling her all those stories about pregnant girls who ruined their lifes just for giving up into their boyfriends' wishes were imprinted in her brain since forever. She knew she would have to discover it by herself if it was as terrible as her father said, she knew she had to put those words behind, she couldn't let them to dominate her. It wasn't going to happen to them, Ross wasn't like all those other girls boyfriends. He had just said it, he would never hurt her, and she believed him.
She kissed him like she had done it so many times before, feeling his taste, enjoying his lips, as his hands caress her hair. Suddenly the passion started to increase. Rachel felt like she couldn't control herself anymore as she felt Ross's hands run through her back to find a place in her but. Her brain was telling her to stop, but she didn't want to, she wanted to be with him, feel his skin pressing against hers. She wanted him to take her where she had never been before. She wanted him to make love to her.
The second Ross realized where his hands where, he broke the kiss, feeling ashamed. "I'm so so sorry honey. I… I let myself carry away... I'm sorry". He felt like such an idiot. He had just told her he would wait for her and now this happened. He lowed his head and stood up from the couch covering her face with his hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he repeated once again.
Rachel also stood up from the couch and took his hands off his face, looking for his eyes. She placed her index finger in his lips and without breaking the eye contact she held his right hand with hers, linking fingers. "Don't be" she as she lead him into his room.
"Rach… what?... are you… are you sure? Here? Now?" he asked confused and nervous. This was very sudden.
"I asked you once to let your heart take the lead when it came to us" she whispered into his ear as she pressed herself against his chest, while she started to unbutton his shirt. "Just stop thinking" she added, burring her face into his naked chest.
He closed the door to his room wither in his arms, not sure of what he should do next. He tried to take of her t-shirt, but since they were kissing he only placed his hands under it, feeling his soft skin with his hands, traveling through her back. Up until this moment they hadn't done anything they hadn't done before. A couple of times they had started to undress while making out, but Rachel always stopped it before anything else could happen. This time Ross was very aware that she didn't want to stop, and it was making him uneasy.
"Honey, you're shaking" she said stopping the kiss. "Are you ok?"
He looked at her very ashamed. "I'm really nervous" he confessed
She let slip a small laugh before giving him a quick pick on the lips "It's ok sweety, I trust you" she said
He smiled at her and she nodded
She started to kiss his chest as he finally got rid of her t-shirt. Amazed by her curves, wanting to know every single part of her body, willing to discover every single one of her secrets and take position of then as his own, his hands traveled from her waist, to her breast and into her hair.
She went for his belt as he kissed her neck. She was nervous too, probably more that it seemed. She always knew this moment would come, and she knew it was going to be with Ross, she didn't picture anyone else being her first. He was her love, her soul mate and her best friend. She could see in his eyes he was honest and an unique love and devotion. He had given her the most amazing first kiss, waited for her 10 months and understood her even when no one else did, even when she didn't understand herself. He was the one, he was her one. There would never be another Ross in her life. She knew it. That very same moment she realized there was no one else out there for her. No other guy would ever made her feel the way and the things he did. And that freighted her. What if she loses him? What if she makes one single mistake that would keep him forever away from her side? Would she be able to live knowing he wasn't going to be a part of her future? She didn't want to get lost into those thoughts. Not now, not ever.
Rachel felt how Ross started to feel more confident. His touch was still gentle but more secure. As the heat began to grow, he unzipped her jeans and started touching her like she never imagined she could be touched. This was so like him, he always made her feel new and unexplored things.
She let out a moan and this a sign for Ross to know he was doing a good job. He was trying hard not to mess this up, to make her feel special, to make her feel pleased and to have a good performance, he didn't want this to be over anytime soon. All the other times he had done this he had been more focused on having a good time himself than what the other person was feeling. Now that it was Rachel, she meant everything to him, he didn't want to scare her or hurt her. He knew she was nervous and afraid, he could read her like an open book. He knew every single one of her gestures, every single one of the different way her eyes shone. She was scared. He could see it, and it made him feel disgusting. She was feeling scared while he was in heaven. He wanted to take her to heaven too. That was the most important thing for him that very same moment.
"If you want me to stop, I'll stop" he said between kisses
"I don't" she managed to say with an exhausted voice. "Please carry on"
He placed himself on top of her without breaking the eye contact before kissing her on the forehead. "I only want to make you feel good. If it hurts you or you're not enjoying this, just let me know". Rachel nodded and started working on his pants.
They both were in their underwear now, still kissing, touching, breathing and above all things, feeling and loving. In that very same moment, they were the only beings in the whole world, there was nothing around them. Not even Ross's room. They were one, floating in the space, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by every single emotion their hearts allowed them to feel, one of them being the most undeniable love. A love as naive as a child, but as old as time.
Rachel placed her hand under Ross's boxers almost as a reflex, she had lost the control over her actions long ago and now was just letting herself go, her mind only focused on Ross's stomach, chest, neck and lips. He let go a moan she probably didn't catch as she removed her boxers to leave him completely naked. That moment he felt transparent, vulnerable, defenseless, scared, excited, happy, amazed and afraid, all at the same time. For the first time in his life Rachel was seeing him as he really was, with no covers or a place to hide. His insecurities had began to take hold of him as he felt like now had no place to run.
Rachel felt Ross wasn't feeling comfortable and stopped just to look at him lying above her. She looked into his eyes and saw doubt and fear. She knew that fear was of hurting her and of getting hurt. She saw how vulnerable he was and how inexpert he felt. She saw as a kid became a man in front of her eyes. And finale she saw the one person she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. She saw the man who was going to join her in her path. She saw true love. "It's ok honey" she said kissing his eyes sweetly "It's ok, you can go on"
He smiled at her and reached out for her bra, trying unsuccessfully to unhook it. He felt so clumsy he even blushed a little. Rachel, founding it really amusing and cute, grabbed his face with her hands to kiss him on the lips as she lifter her body from the bed so he could unhook her bra easily. Rachel's movement worked perfectly, cause now she was lying topless in front of him.
Ross couldn't help but notice how beautiful and perfect he breast were as the valley between them called him to explore it. He could get lost there forever, he thought. He could spend there the rest of his life.
His lips traveled from her neck to her belly button, tasting her skin in a brush of passion, still very aware of his actions, but, as Rachel would say, letting his heart taking the lead.
Rachel felt Ross's lips burning over her skin as he traveled through her body. She moan again, letting him know he was doing and excellent work. Up until this point everything had been magic, she never thought she could feel so loved during and encounter like this, she never imagined how many levels this had. She never knew how powerful and enchanting this all could be. She felt blessed. Touched by a higher power. Drunken by happiness. High on love.
She felt how her panties ran through her legs as she searched once again for Ross's eyes. She was now naked in front of him like he was naked in front of her, and it felt so natural, so right, so meant to be. She caught Ross's glance and smiled, as he smiled back. He run his hand through her face and then through her body as she closed her eyes, giving herself completely to him. Trusting, feeling, loving. She was giving him her most treasured possession and he knew it. She was giving him something she could never get back and that would always be his. She was letting him being a part of her forever. After this encounter they would be linked to each other for eternity. She knew it. He knew it. They both felt it. They both enjoyed it.
Suddenly, Rachel felt an enormous cold running through her body; Ross had lifter his body from hers and now was wondering around the room. It took her a few seconds to snap back to reality still very confused. "What… What?" she struggled with the words, suddenly aware of her nakedness.
"I'm looking for a damn condom. I know I have one somewhere" he answered as he searched in one of his closet drawers.
"Right". Rachel felt how the moment slowly drifted away.
"Maybe Chandler has one in his room" he said more to himself than to her as he started to look for his boxers.
Rachel covered herself with the bed covers while he was gone and laid in there for what it seemed and eternity. What's now? Was the question in her head. She had been fine until Ross stopped, now she was having doubts. Was this the right thing to do? Was she ready? Weren't they rushing into things? With every second that went by her head filled with more and more doubts, questions and apprehensions she didn't want to have. She was not sure of all this anymore.
"We can thank Chandler". Ross entered the room smiling as he got into bed next to her while taking his boxers off. "He had a whole pack"
"Great" she replied, looking at her hands and lowing her head not to look straight into his eyes, she didn't want him to know she was having doubts.
"What's the matter?" he asked concerned, sensing something different in her "is everything ok?"
"Yeah" she lied
He looked at her for a while and then kissed her on the top of her head. "Come on, trust me" he insisted.
"It's nothing honey, really" she lied again
"It's normal that you have doubts sweety" he replied, looking for her eyes. "Look at me" he said lifting her chin with his left hand, making her look straight into his eyes. "If you want to leave it at this it's ok, we can do it some other time, seriously. Don't feel obligated or like it's something you HAVE to do. I can wait all the time you want me to. We took a big step today anyway" he finished smiling. "I love you"
"I love you too" she replied, now smiling widely and looking into his beautiful chestnut eyes, the one place where she could find confidence and wisdom. Once she started to feel everything was going to be ok she said: "It's ok, I wanna do it… I just had my doubts, stupid silly doubts". She placed one of her hands on his chest and gave him a little kiss on the lips "but now they are all gone" she added before kissing him once again. That kiss was broken just so Rachel could laid on her back once again, making him place his naked body on top of hers. Ross supported his weight with his left arm, trying hard not to cause her any pain.
The moment Ross entered her; she felt how her eyes watered. It hurt, but in a good way. Once again, another thing she thought it could never happen. The feeling of him being a part of her made her feel complete, like whatever she was missing she had found it right there, right in that moment. Their breathing began to sound like one and the movements of their bodies became so in synchrony that it looked like they were dancing along the most wonderful music.
The whole act finished quickly, leaving both of them exhausted and Ross feeling ashamed. "Sorry about that" he said as she rested her head on his chest, caressing his arms.
"It's ok honey, it was amazing" and it really had been. Probably it wasn't going to be her best time ever, but sure it had been the most magical one, and being able to share it with him made it even more special.
"You don't have to lie to me" he insisted "I promise it will be better next time"
"I know" she muttered drifting fast to sleep. She was exhausted.
He watched her sleep and smiled. The feeling of Rachel sleeping in her arms was amazing, it was the first time they'd be spending together and it would remain in his memory as one of the most wonderful experiences he would ever had. Just being able to hold her so close, smell her hair and watch her breathing in an out made him want to protect her forever, to do this every single day, every single night, every single moment.
To be continued...
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I really hope you liked this chapter, somehow it was harder to write than the other time I wrote something like this... probably cause it was thier first time. Anyway, I'd really like to know what you thought about it, so please REVIEW.
The next chapter is set in the preset so probably you'll finally find out what the hell happened... I'm still deciding that... nah... you will.. and hopefully it will help you understand everything cause things will star falling into their places...
But for now... just REVIEW