Here it is... finally... the new chapter =).... sorry it took me so long, but the last scene was kind of hard cause it was the one thing I had in mind when I started writing this fic and putting down in words was harder than I thought... and still I'm not very satisfied with it.... but I couldn't write it again!!... I needed to update.

Here you'll FINALLY find out WHY Rachel left... what the hell happened... I bet I've been torturing you guys with that for too long, haven't I?

Anyway, I just have to say RnR do not belong to me... I'm just a crazy fan... Now with the story

----Overcoming the loneliness – Ch 10 (Nowdays)----

It was amazing how many memories can one place hold. It is amazing how with just one blink a rush of old emotions can overcome you. It is amazing how much you can miss something you had given up on a long time ago. It's amazing how it can still hurt. After 5 years. The wound he swore had already healed sore more than ever. And it was driving him crazy.
Just seeing Rachel again in the Central Perk was like a slap in the face. The place of their first date, the place of their first "I love you", the place that kept so many memories of entire evenings shared laughing, kissing and being in love. The same place where their last encounter had taken place 30 minutes ago. That place, that feeling, that face. It was all rushing back

Ross sat alone in his apartment. Being with the lights off when his humor was dark had been very effective in the past. It allowed him to be alone with his thoughts. Alone with his pain. Alone with his regrets. Alone with his longing for a better time.

His peace was suddenly wrecked by the constant ringing of the telephone. He looked at it but didn't ever bother picking it up. He didn't want to be bothered, he didn't want to anyone. He wasn't feeling like one of the people living in this world. He just needed to be apart.

"Ross… pick up the phone" Monica's voice came through the answering machine. "I know you are there." She took a deep breath before carry on. She knew he wasn't going to pick up. "Fine, have it your way. I just wanted to know if you want me to take Ben in for tonight"

Ben, Ross thought. His child, his baby. Carol's son. He quickly picked up the phone to answer back. "Bring him over" was all he said before hanging up. Having him home would take his mind off what had just happened and of was yet to come. Being with Ben always made him really rood. Being with Ben was always healing, even if it was just for a while.
He stood up from the couch and turned on the lights. He didn't want his son seeing him like this. It hadn't happened with Carol and it was not going to happen because of Rachel. It would mean answering too many questions he didn't want to hear. Thinking about answers he didn't want to think. Remembering things he didn't want to remember, at least not until the next day.

The next day. what was she going to tell him? The many possibilities that flooded his head since she left the Central Perk were driving him insane. Did she not love him? Or had se stopped overnight? Had he made, said or done something to hurt or upset her? Or maybe she had fallen in love with somebody else. Whichever was the case, he would be finding out the next day, and the waiting was killing him. "You've waited 5 years. One day won't kill you" he said to himself as he approached to open the door to his son and his sister.

"Hey daddy" said the kid smiling. "can I play PlayStation for a little while before going to bed?"
"It's passed your bed time Ben. And you know I don't like you playing that thing so late"
"But dad!!" protested Ben
"I already told you Ben!, don't make me say it twice" Ross's tone was harsh. Monica gave her brother a concerned look as she watched him placing his hands on his eyes.
"Headache?" she asked
"Terribly" he replied, closing his eyes again. "And my buddy here isn't helping"
"Ben, sweety… why don't you go brushing your teeth to get into bed? Daddy is not feeling very well. Plus, if you go to bed early, you can wake up early so you can play PlayStation sooner"

Ben looked passed Ross and straight to Monica. "Great, my son is mad at me" Ross thought.
"Only if you promise I can see Rachel tomorrow"
Monica quickly looked at Ross as he sat on the couch, and smiled at him nervously, not sure if he had noticed it. "Fine, you can see Rachel tomorrow" he said. "Now go brush your teeth and put on your pj. I'll be there in a second"
"YAY!" screamed Ben and run into the bathroom quickly

Ross smiled. 6 years ago, if he had known he'd be seeing Rachel the next day, he probably would have reacted the very same way his kid did.

"He really like her" said Monica as she sat next to Ross
"He really does" replied Ross nodding, as he kept his eyes fixed on the black TV screen
"Anything else to add from today's encounter?"
"Nope"
"So, did you guys talked?"
"Nope"

Monica knew he didn't want to talk about it, but the curiosity had taken the best of her. She had been waiting for this moment for too long.
"So… you just sit there… without talking?"
Ross sighed. "We talked… but she's coming over tomorrow night to talk everything through…"
"Really?! Wow, that's great!!" said Monica, surprised by the news. 'That was fast' she thought. Was it a good idea they were doing it this quick? Probably it was for the best. Whenever the truth came out their lifes would start being easy to leave, or at least that was what she hoped.
"So I'm gonna need you to watch Ben tomorrow. Rachel said it could take long"
"Sure honey, no problem……. And how are you feeling with all this?"

Ross contemplated the space one more time before answering trying to collect his thoughts. "I'm feeling a lot of different things actually. I'm confused, nervous, scared… you name it". He sighed. "I'm just happy all this wondering will be over by tomorrow!"

"Daddy!! I'm ready!!" yelled Ben from his room.
"I'll be there in a second!!" yelled back Ross. "Get into bed!!"
"Can I turn on the TV?"
"Fine, but only until I get there… and no horror movies!!"

"Thanks Mon" said Ross sincerely as he took his sister's hand
"What for?" she asked confused
Ross smiled. "For a lot of things actually. Mostly for just being there"
"You're welcome bro'. That's what sisters are for anyways" she replied with a smile
"Yeah… that and for annoy the living hell out of me" he teased her
"Hey! What happened to the sweet brother that was just thanking me?" she replied pocking him on the shoulder playfully

Ross hugged her tight, trying to get strength and courage. Looking for support and understanding

"It's going to turn out ok Ross. This is something both of you need to do"
"I'm scared" he confessed.
"Of what?"
"Of…" Ross trailed. He looked around for a while, looking for the words, probably looking for the will to say it, to accept his bigger fear, afraid to accept it. "I'm afraid she's going to say she didn't love me. I'm afraid she's going to say she never really did". His eyes finally met Monica's and she could see the fear in them. "I'm scared of finding out I've been in love for 10 years with a woman who doesn't love me back".
"Are you still…?"
"…in love with her?" interrupted Ross. "I couldn't take my eyes off of her while we were at the coffee place. All I could think about was 'God, she looks beautiful'. When I saw her eyes watering all I wanted was run to her, hug her and never let her go. Telling her that I really don't care she left, that all that matters is that she's back, that she's here, that she's with me"
"Sweety, I…" Monica was speechless. "I don't know what to say"
"Did you see her with Ben?" he asked with a melancholic smile. "When did everything got so screwed?"

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She looked around. Everything looked foreign. The people, the buildings, the streets. Pretty much like her that morning. It was a dark morning, a dark day. or was it just her?
She wondered down that street for what seemed an eternity, under the eyes of strangers who knew she felt somehow foreign into her own life, or at least that was how she felt.
Finally she stepped into an old building. She claimed the stairs and stood in front of a filthy old door with the number 31 on it. She stood there for quite a while, wondering weather she should knock or just leave.
Just when she had taken the decision of leaving, a woman opened the door

"Niña Rachel?" said the woman with a smile on her face and the look of a person who had been expecting this visit all along
"Hola Rosa" said Rachel smiling back softly. "Como esta?" she asked with a thick Spanish. The years of lessons and all the effort Ross had put into teach her Spanish during her childhood only had left her knowing a few words she could barely pronounce.
"Muy bien, muy bien. Come on in please"

Rachel entered to her old nanny's apartment and looked around. It was a nice decorated two bedroom place. She had some pictures framed hanging a wall, which made the place feel very warmed and familiar, 'pretty much like Rosa' thought Rachel. Her nanny had always been really caring, sometimes even more than her own mother.

"Can I get you some coffee mi niña?" Rosa asked sweetly
"That would be great"
"And some just baked cookies?" she asked again with a sweet smile
"Sure!" replied Rachel cheered. "I love your cookies, and I've missed them a lot"

Rosa smiled and got into the first door from the left which Rachel assumed was the kitchen. Rachel sat on the couch while she waited and stared at the pictures on the wall. She could see Rosa's daughter and her sons, she had met that girl several years ago when she was just a kid pretty much like herself, she hadn't changed a bit, she had her mother's warm smile and shinny happy brown eyes. She looked really happy surrounded by his two little sons, Rachel thought. Somehow she envied that.

Next to that picture was one of a man and a little girl smiling. She stood up to take a better look at it. It was her and her father a long time ago, she didn't even remember when that picture had been taken, but she was sure it was when she was 9 or 10, before her parents split up and she moved to London with her mother and her sisters, probably during their last summer as a family. A bittersweet smiled appeared in her face. Family. She had never really known what that word meant.

"You and your father were like a second family to me" said Rosa standing next to Rachel, contemplating the picture as well. "I always knew you were going to grow up to become a beautiful woman mi niña. Just look at you, you have your father's eyes."
Rachel looked down. "Right" she softly said. The truth was, she hadn't felt beautiful in a long time
"Have you seen him?" asked Rosa still looking at the picture on the wall.
Rachel quickly looked at her weirdly. "Who-who?" she asked confused
"Ross" answered Rosa. "Isn't he the reason why you came back?"
"Not really" hurried Rachel to answer. "I came back because of work, I didn't really wanted to come back"

Rosa put the coffee and the cookies on the coffee table next to her and then too Rachel by the hands looking at her, like a mother watching her baby taking her first steps. "That's what you want to believe, you know it's not true"
Rachel let go a nervous laugh and took her hands off Rosa's "what are you talking about?"
"Mi niña, I know love. I've felt love. I saw real love in that kid's eyes the first time I saw him looking at you, just like I see love in your eyes right now"
"There's no love anymore. He doesn't love me"
"How can you be so sure?"
"Cause I hurt him. I left him. Plus he's been married since then. He doesn't love me anymore. He can't love me"
"And you? Do you still love him?"
"Does it matter? It just hurt too much"
"Love always hurts"
"It shouldn't!" cried Rachel "not like this"
"But it does, it's what makes it real. Mi niña, you have to take chances. You know you still love that boy. You know you are here because of him. What are you waiting for?"
"He doesn't even know why I left" Rachel sighed as her eyes wondered around. "How can he even understand, or even forgive me?"
"You have to talk to him, there's no other way out"
"Oh Rosa!" exclaimed Rachel as he hugged her nanny "I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home"

Rosa kissed the top of her head and caressed her hair. Even though Rachel was already a woman, for her would always be that little girl who run to her every time she got scared cause her room was too dark or cause her parents were arguing again.

"You can't run away anymore. It's time to face your fears. This is life mi niña, and you have to live it, you can't hide from it."

--------

"Ben is staying over tonight" Monica said to Chandler as he came out of the bathroom.
"Cool!" said Chandler; he loved hanging out with Ross' son. That kid was the only thing that made him even consider having kids one day. Monica knew it, that was why she liked so much having Ben over. "Can I invite Joey?" he asked like a little kid.
"Sure honey, you 3 can have a guys night tonight, but remember Ben's bedtime is at 9 o'clock, Ross would kill me if he knows Ben went to bed late again".

The conversation was interrupted by a knocked on the door that was quickly answered by Monica.

"Hey Rachel" she greeted her friend with a smile.
"Hey Mon" Rachel said back as she entered to the apartment
"How are you feeling?"
"Kind of sick"

"Hey Rach" said Chandler. Sensing a big girls' talk coming he stood up from the couch. "I'm gonna go to Joey's to… uhm… watch a game, porn or something" he excused himself before leaving the apartment.
"Thanks hun" said Rachel smiling sincerely

Rachel sat on one of the chairs in the kitchen while Monica washed the dishes from breakfast. "I went to see Rosa this morning"
"How is she? I haven't seen her in ages!!"
"She looks the same" replied Rachel with a smile. "She's really well"
"Great"
"She told me I should talk to Ross too"
"What? You were planning not to? He'll be waiting for you tonight"
"No, no, no, no… I will… I just…" Rachel sighed. "I don't know Mon"
"Wow-wow-wow-wow" exclaimed Monica moving her hands. "You CAN'T back away now. NO!!" her voice starting to sound a little harsh.
"Why not?" asked Rachel standing from the chair
"Rachel, listen to me… you have already hurt my brother enough"
"What?" asked Rachel hurt.
"He deserves to know!"
"And you think knowing won't hurt him?" Rachel replied
"At least he would know the truth!" Monica looked at Rachel for a few seconds. It was so hard to be in the middle of all this, but she couldn't let Rachel keep running away. "It's the only way you can both move on"
"I'm scared Mon"
"He's scared too, you know?"
"Really?"
"He told me last night"
"I don't want to hurt him again"
"Then tell him the truth, I'm sure he will understand"
"Yeah, I'm scared of that too"
"What?" asked Monica confused

Rachel smiled melancholically. "He always understands. I'm scared he will forgive me… because I still can't forgive myself"

"Rachel… it wasn't your fault"

Rachel remained silent

"The Doctor said…"
"I know what the doctor said"
"It could have been anything Rach. You father's heart was weak"
"BUT IT WASN'T ANYTHING!!" yelled Rachel. "I was arguing with him Mon, I was yelling and telling him how much I loved Ross and how selfish he was and then…" Rachel couldn't go on. Thinking about that day was too much. She hadn't talked about it for such a long time now it seemed like a bad dream. But now here she was, facing all of her demons, all of her nightmares, fears and buried memories completely unprepared.
"It's ok sweety" said Monica hugging her friend. "It's going to be ok"

Rachel broke the hug. "Thanks Mon" she said. "You are right. I have to talk to Ross, I need to do it"
"But before you go you're gonna have a glass of warm milk, ok? It will help you relax a little"
"Ok" she replied as she sit again in the same chair she was sited before.

Rachel closed her eyes. This was her life. She was already living it. Now there was no way out. The worst was yet to be revealed.

--------

That very same moment she knew she had never felt fear before. What was going through her mind, body and soul was the real feeling of being scared, something she had never felt before and it gave her a weird sensation. She was scared, but not petrified. She knew what she had to do; she knew what she had to do all along. She had to go there and tell Ross the truth, it was the only way she could ever even think about living peaceful. She was tired of being scared; she was tired of running away; she was tired of living with the weight of the world over her shoulders. She needed to let her old life go.

Rachel looked at her watch. It was 7:15. She had been standing in front of Ross's door for over 20 minutes going back and for with the idea of knocking. She needed to do it; it was the only way of finishing this whole thing. But she was somehow scared of finish it. This secret had been the only thing that had kept her linked to her past life, when she was in NY and she was happy with Ross. Although the memories of that day hunted her, they also forbid her to move on, and by not moving on she was able of still being in love with Ross. It was a complex situation. She knew it. It was very complicated.

"How long have you been standing there?" asked Ross opening the door. "I was already thinking you weren't coming"
"No… well… I was… just…" stuttered Rachel.
Ross gave her a little smile. "Wanna come in?"
"Su-sure" she replied.

His apartment was just like she pictured it. Pretty much like his room when he lived with Chandler. Filled with Dinosaurs bones, diplomas and other stuff. She spotted a picture of Ross and Ben on a corner next to the main door. He was dressed as Santa and little Ben was smiling widely. Standing right next to Ross was Carol, also smiling and holding Ben's hand. Rachel couldn't help but feel a little envy for that familiar picture. The 3 of them looked so happy.

"It was taken 2 years ago" said Ross, noticing Rachel staring at the picture. "Ben was 2 and all he wanted for Christmas was meeting Santa. So I dressed up like him to surprise him… but Ben realized it was me" Ross smile "My little boy has always been really, really smart"
Rachel smiled at him. He was such a caring father. She always knew he would be. "Yeah, I noticed that when I met him today. He's a very special boy"
"He sure is… sometimes I even think he's more mature then I am!!" Ross joked.
"Probably" replied Rachel joking too. It was so easy for her to feel comfortable when she was with him

"You can sit if you want" said Ross after a few seconds of awkward silence. "Are you hungry? I ordered in Chinese food from that place you used to love"

'Use to' Rachel thought. She used to love so many things when she was with him.

"No thanks, I'm not really hungry"
"Yeah, me neither" commented Ross with a shy smile. "Coffee?"
"Sure, why not?" she replied.

Ross got into the kitchen and Rachel started to walk around the apartment. It was a beautiful place, spacey enough and very well decorated. She loved the maroon color of the walls and the way everything matched. It looked like a grown up apartment. It looked like Ross' apartment.

"I had never notice how big this place was" she hollered from the living room so he could hear her inside the kitchen.
"That's cause your eyes immediately went to the naked fat guy living in here" he replied raising his voice as well.

She walked towards the kitchen door and took a look inside. "Your kitchen is bigger than mine!" she said matter-of-factly
"Well, I bet I use it more than you do" he joked
"Hey!, it's been 5 years! How do you know I don't cook… for all you know I could be an excellent chef"
"Are you?" he asked arching his eyebrows
"Well… no… but I could be" she replied laughing
"Here" he handed her a coffee cup with a smile "taste it"

She tasted it and it was exactly how she liked it. She couldn't believe he still remembered

"It's perfect, thanks" she smiled shyly.

They both walked out of the kitchen stepped into the living room. Rachel sated on the arm chair as Ross sat on the big brown couch. She put her cup on the coffee table and sighed. She didn't know how to start THE conversation with him and waited until he said something about it.

"How are your parents" she asked to break the silence.
"Fine. Good actually. Dad retired a couple of years ago and they moved to Florida. Mon wanted to live near the beach, and they were tired of the cold… we see them at least once a month, they come to visit Ben very often."
"I bet they love him" said Rachel remembering how caring and lovely Ross and Monica's parents were
"They really do" he let out a small laughter. "Mom says he looked just like me when I was a kid. Dad says he's tougher so he'll be better in sports and all that stuff"

Rachel smiled.

"And how is your mom and your sisters?" he asked politely
"Fine too. Mom got married again like a year ago. Right before I moved here she moved out London. She's living outside the city in this huge house that looks like a castle. Her husband has a lot of money so she's happy. And so are my sisters. Last time I knew about them Amy was in France with her boyfriend and Jill was in LA trying to become an actress. You know we are not that close"
"I know"
"But when I got back to London they were really supportive"

There was a silence. Neither of them knowing how to jump into THAT subject. Rachel looked at her hands and started playing with them after taking another sip of her coffee. Ross watched her wondering if he should ask or maybe wait until she revealed her history.

He sighed. He knew he should be the one starting this, so he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples with his right hand, recollecting thoughts and strength. Looking for the right words.

"The day you left I lost it" he began. She looked up at him without meeting his eyes. She wouldn't be able to anyway. He had his eyes shout. "I woke up, look next to me, and your side of the bed was empty. Somehow deep inside I knew right away you had left" he added.

Rachel remained silent. She knew he wasn't done yet.

He stood up, walked to the book shield and took a picture of Ben from his last birthday that was framed on a small portrait on the top of it.

"I've always thought my kid was conceived with love. The problem was, I wasn't loving his mother the moment it happened" he reflected. "I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to get back at you for leaving me" he confessed "but I couldn't get you out of my head, even when I was having sex with her" he added without turning around to face Rachel.

Rachel was still quiet. There was nothing she could say at the moment.

"She always knew it. I guess that's why she left. She was tired of pretending"

Ross turned around to see Rachel's face but didn't look straight into her; she was looking at him with attention. He walked towards the couch again and sat down.

"What I'm going to say to you it will sound weird, but I've always seen a little bit of you in Ben. Everytime he looks at me with his big blue eyes, I think of yours" he looked down. "Carol never said anything, but I know she felt it too. That's why she didn't take him with her when she left."

Rachel looked down again. There ware so many things he didn't know. There were so many things SHE still didn't know.

"Did you love me?" he finally asked

Rachel lifted up her face to look at him. "Of course I did"

"Did you still love me when you left" he asked again
"Yes" she replied simply
"Then why did you leave?" he muttered the question that has been in his head for 5 years. "I've been wrecking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong"
"You didn't do anything wrong" she said as her eyes filled with tears. She hated this. She hated not being able to talk to him about her feelings without starting weeping like a baby. "It was me. It was something I needed to do. It hurt too much to be here"

Now he was the one remaining silent.

A few minutes that felt hours went by in the most absolute silence. It was like even the noises from New York City had shouted up all of the sudden.

"Then what happened" he questioned again

Rachel sighed.

"I-I-I…" she trailed. She saw at him giving her a pleading look. She didn't see anger in his deep, beautiful chestnut eyes. She saw pain, she saw doubt, and she saw fear. "I…" she closed her eyes before saying what she was about to reveal. "I was pregnant".

Ross was astonished. "You were… you were… what?... this means I-I have a…"
"No" she quickly replied.

Ross looked even more confused. "What do you mean 'no'… if you were pregnant then we have… we have a…"

Tears starting rolling down Rachel's cheeks. It was too painful. It was too hard. It was too much.

"I had a miscarriage" she said in a soft, flat voice without raising her eyes. There, she had done it. She had said it. He knew it. "And it was all my fault"

To be continued...

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There it is.... this was the why she left.... how did it happen.... well you'll be finding out in the next chapter which hopefully won't take me so long as this one did :p.... sorry about that.....

Please leave me a REVIEW, this is kind of an important chapter to me and I'd LOVE to know what you thought about it ;)