I bet you all thought I had forgotten this fic again.... I didn't... I really want to finnish this... really, I hate leaving things half way done, specially when it's something I'm interested in... like a RnR story....

Now this chapter will seem a lot more dark, that's one of the reasons why it took me so long to write, plus here the story finally comes to a full circle, so I wanted to make clear Rachel's reasons to leave...

As you know, this characters don't belong to me, although I'd gladly take a Ross =).... please remember to keep reviewing, cause that's what makes me really want to carry on with this story even if it takes me a whole month to update... just knowing that people is reading is enough for me... ENJOY

----Overcoming the loneliness – Ch 12 (5 years ago)----

We all born and die alone, but spend our entire life trying to fight our nature, scared of loneliness, scared of waking up one day to realize we are completely on our own. Scared of having to face reality. Scared to realize there's no else out there for us, that loneliness is our destiny.

Rachel opened her eyes to find herself lying on a completely strange bed, in an unknown room, confused, scared and in pain. She felt like she had just been beaten to dead. Every inch of her body soared. Even breathing had become a hard and painful task.
She looked around, her sight still blurry, to find there was nobody in the room beside her. She wanted to scream, but she couldn't open her mouth, all her strength had drifted away of her body and she wasn't able to articulate a word. She wanted to stand up and run away from that place that felt like a prison, but her body wasn't responding. She started crying, not sure if actual tears were coming out of her eyes, but feeling like she was. She was so lost, she felt so lost. She didn't want to be alone.

Monica walked into the room looking down. She passed from one side of the room to the other, not noticing Rachel was awake. "Damn it Ross, where are you?" she mutter every now and then as she watched her watch. She walked to Rachel's bed, who's eyes were fixed on her, and sat on the chair right next to it looking every where but into Rachel's direction. She couldn't bare the image of her best friend lying in a bed like that, specially not after how happy and cheered she had been that morning. "My mom was right… I should really get a cellphone" she said to herself.

"M… Mon…" Rachel managed to say with a voice she couldn't recognize like hers.
"Rach!! You are awake!!" exclaimed Monica as she tried to smile. "I'm gonna call the doctor" she added before running out of the room, leaving Rachel alone once again.

Rachel slowly started to feel how her body filled with energy once more. Her breathing became more natural, although her body still soared.
Along with her energy, memories came back too, as flashes of what looked like a dream. The discussion with her father, the heart attack, the dead… "dead" she thought, placing her hands on her flat stomach

"My baby" she whispered

Dr Weasley came into the room followed by Monica. If it hadn't been for his red hair, Rachel would have never recognized the man she had met a couple of hours ago. He looked like a completely different man. Older. Colder. Distant.

"It's good to see you are awake Rachel" he said, trying to regain his cheerful tone, but sounding a bit apathetic

Rachel just closed her eyes a couple of times in agreement

"Do you remember what happened right after you fainted?" he asked as he took her pulse.

Rachel blinked again.

Dr. Weasley stood in silence studding her face. "I'm afraid to inform you you lost the baby Rachel" he spoke after a few minutes.

There was a dead silence. Rachel only heard Monica sobbing at the other side of the room. She looked at Dr Weasley for a brief moment and then focused her gaze beyond him, to the window outside. She wished she was invisible, she wished she could fly away from there, she wished this whole thing was just one big awful dream, that she could just wake up next to Ross so he could kiss her fears away.

"See… in conditions of several emotional stress your body frees a hormone, named oxytocin, to compensate the abruptly decrees of lithium. In normal conditions this allows you to keep going even during a strong stress state. However, a high amount of this hormone in the blood is very dangerous for pregnant women. We believe that is what caused you the miscarriage".

Rachel didn't answer. She had just lost her father and her baby and this jackass was telling her about a hormone. What the HELL could she do with that?! Would that explain why all this was happening to her? Would that explanation bring her old life back? It only sounded like a big joke to her. A big, sick, cruel and horrendous joke that destiny was pulling on her

Dr Weasley caught her distant look. He knew nothing he could say was going to make her feel any better and that she still was very weak, so he decided to drop the subject for her own good.

"Anyway, I'd like to talk to the father to-"
"DON'T" interrupted Rachel with a voice that sounded more like hers. "He doesn't have to know". She had taken her eyes off the window and was looking at the doctor once again
"What?!" asked Monica from the distance
"He doesn't need this" said Rachel, now looking at Monica
"It was his baby too!!"

Rachel's eyes returned to the window and got lost into the velvet sky.

"He doesn't need to suffer for something he never had" she said as her eyes filled with tears. She sighed. "What kind of family can you form when you are 20?" she bitter sweetly repeated her father's words

"But Rach…" Monica protested
"Monica, please" she begged as the tears escaped from her eyes. "Don't make this any harder"

Monica looked at her friend lying on the bed and her heart squeezed. She was Ross' sister and she knew he deserved to know. But deep inside something told her Rachel may be right. Maybe not knowing about the lost of a baby he never had was the best that could happen. Rachel needed him to remain strong, she needed someone to rely on, someone who could be her support and give strength to go through all this. He didn't have to know. At least not know.

"Ok, if that's what you want" said Monica. "But you have to understand-"
"I do Mon… I just can't do it now"
"Alright then…"

"He won't find out then" said Dr Weasley again forcing a smile Rachel wished he hadn't. She hated to feel his pity.

"When can I go home?" she asked
"We still need to keep you here under observation, at least until tomorrow"
"Alright" she said. She didn't have a place to go anymore anyway

--------

"Would you please calm down? I don't think killing ourselves would help Rachel much" said Chandler as he looked outside the car window with a panic look. Ross had taken his car and now was driving like he was in a car race.

"I need to get to her Chandler… I need to see her" he said in despair

"I know you do man, but there's not much we could do right now, is there?"
Ross looked around; they had been stopped by a red light, and sighed.

"I guess there's not" he finally said.

He felt so impotent. While Rachel was lying on a hospital bed God knew why, he was stuck in traffic. He hadn't been able to be with her when her father had the heart attack or when she got the news of his death. He had promised himself a thousand times he would always be there for her, to protect her, to shelter her from everything and support her whenever she needed him. And he had failed, he hadn't been able to be her hero, he hadn't been able to rescue her, he hadn't been able to save her world from trembling. Everything because a stupid interview in the museum that had taken longer than he expected.

"Ross, Mon is with her, she's not alone" Chandler was trying the hardest to comfort his friend, and somehow comfort himself as well

Ross looked at the red light in anger before pressing the horn once again. He needed to get to Rachel.

--------

Ross busted into Rachel's room soaking. It had started raining and he had decided to step out of the car, leaving Chandler to deal with it, as he finished the rest of the way running.
He hurried himself to her bad and saw she was sleeping. She always looked like an angel when she slept, even now, with her tired and very paled face. He felt so guilty for letting her go through this misery alone. He knew how much she loved her father and could only imagine what she had gone through a couple of hours ago, but there was no way he could ever know. He had no idea she had been in hell and was still there. He had no idea she had lost a little bit more than her father that day. He had no idea she had also lost herself.

She opened her eyes just to see a tall and dark figure standing next to her. She realized it was him the minute she saw his eyes. She still felt weak, all the energy she had regained a moment ago during her talk with the doctor, had gone away after falling asleep once again.

He smiled at her, took her hand and leaned in to kiss her forehead.

Rachel had needed that kiss all day long.

"You are all wet" she said with a weak voice
"Shhhh" he placed his index finger on her lips "It's raining and I run for like 20 blocks to get here, the traffic was impossible" he explained. "I'm so sorry for not being here sweety" he lowed his head apologetic and let go of her hand. "I'm so sorry"

Rachel felt her eyes watering; she had needed him so much that day, probably more than ever. With him there everything would have gone so differently. If she had only listened to him every time he told her about coming clean with her father before it was too late. Now it was too late.

"It's ok honey" she said touching his face. "How could you know?"

He lifted his head and looked her in the eyes for a couple of seconds, placing his hand over hers. She quickly took her eyes away from his. She didn't want him to look through her, she didn't want him to notice how disgusting and dirty she felt. She didn't want him to see she was a murderer.

He kissed her softly on the lips and stroked her hair for a while. Both reminded silent. Rachel was thankful he wasn't making any questions, she felt blessed that he was just there with her. It was more than she deserved, that was for sure.

A thousand things run through Ross's mind. Questions, tears, kisses, consolation phrases. He knew nothing he could say or do would relieve her pain. He had seen more pain in her eyes the second he could caught her look than he had seen in anybody's soul in his 22 years of life. He knew there was something else, he felt there was something else, but decided not to say a word, it would be worthless.

--------

Chandler walked into the hospital and saw Monica standing in the entrance hall, her gaze lost into the distance. He walked towards her and stood right next to her without saying a word. He was very worried about Rachel, that was for sure, but Monica had been his main concerned since he got off the phone with her the last time. "RACHEL!!! THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!! YOU HAVE TO HURRY" she had screamed hysterical into the phone.

"Hey" he finally said after a few minutes of silence
"Hey" replied Monica with a voice as distant as her look
"How's Rachel?" he asked
"She's hanging in there" she answered. "Her father died though"
"I know, you told me"

There was another silence. Monica turned around and walked to the cafeteria. Chandler followed her quickly.

They occupied one of the tables in the place as Chandler got them a strong cup of black coffee. He figured she would need someone to talk to, she looked pretty affected with Rachel's father's death, more than he thought she would.

"How are you?" he finally asked her, handing her the cup of coffee

She sighed. "I don't know" she answered looking at the hot liquid in the white plastic glass. "It was horrible" she added shaking her head with the eyes closed. "Rachel just…" her eyes watered and she started crying.

"Shh… it's alright… I bet it must have been horrible for her loosing her father like that, all of the sudden…"

Monica shook her head again. "That's not it" she said. "Rachel was pregnant"

"What?!" asked shocked Chandler. "Does… does Ross know?"
"No, he doesn't… and he won't know"
"Wha… why?"
"Rachel lost the baby when she found out her father had died"

Chandler remained silent

"She doesn't want to tell Ross yet…" she explain "so don't tell him anything until she's ready to tell him, ok?"

He looked at her and nodded. "S-sure…"

--------

It was a dark and awful day. Rachel hadn't slept a single night for the past 2 days since she left the hospital. She had stayed at Monica's, but Ross had been by her side every single moment, stroking her hair, kissing her forehead, hugging her, wiping her tears and not letting her fall apart, keeping her together, or as together as she could be. She still felt she didn't deserve all the love and support he was giving her, but accepted it grateful, knowing for sure that once she was strong enough to tell Ross the whole truth she may also loose him too.

"Are you ready to go sweety?" asked Monica from the door.

Rachel nodded. She was as ready as you could be to witness your father been buried on a box, she thought. Of course she wasn't ready, how could she?

Ross walked into the room and hugged her, strongly but sweetly like he always did. It was his way to give her a little strength, to assure her he would be right next to her to support her, held her and even cry with her if that's what she needed.

The memorial service had been short. Rachel didn't feel like standing in one corner to hear how sorry other people were for her lost for much longer. She found it pathetic, disgusting and nerve wracking. There she was, going through one of the most horrible things in her life, only wanting to be locked up in her room, away from everything and everyone, and all this people she hadn't seen in her lifetime could only say how sorry THEY were, like that would make anything better, like their "support" could turn back time.

"I know it looks hard right now, but it will get better. You have you whole life ahead" had told her a woman around her mother's age. Will it get better? Really? Rachel found it hard to believe.

Few of the people who assisted to the memorial service went to the cemetery. Rachel thought it was better this way, only people she knew cared about here were there: Monica, Chandler, Rosa and Ross. Not even her mother or her sisters had shown up. Not that she cared anyway.

As the coffin sank deeper and deeper into the earth, she felt how her life got buried there too. She felt like she was the one inside the coffin, and everything around her was cover with dirt.

She hadn't blamed Ross about anything; she kept telling herself it wasn't his fault, that all that was happening was all hers. Her had decisions had lead her to this moment. But that second, standing right there, anger started to fill her. Anger against him, against her, against her father, against the world. Her father had never liked him, yet she had dated him anyway. The heart attack had happened because she revealed she was pregnant with his child. It was so easy to blame him. But it only took her to catch one of his gazes to realize how wrong she was. Ross loved her so much, so very much. He had proved it over the years and he was proving it right now, just by being there, just by respecting her like he did. Knowing her like he did, loving her like that.

She let go of his embrace and walked away from the small crew of people gathering around her father's grave. Monica had wanted to go after her, but Ross stopped her. He knew she needed sometime alone, and he was willing to give her all the time she needed. Rachel, on the other hand, had just taken a decision, and this time it was the right one. She couldn't stay there. It was too painful. She was a mess, no one deserved to lead with a screw up girl like her. Especially not Ross.

--------

Ross and Rachel walked into Chandler and Ross's apartment across Monica's. He helped her with her coat and poured a glass of milk from the fridge.

Rachel looked at him and left the glass in the counter without tasting it
"Come on sweety, you're gonna get sick" he pleaded

Rachel didn't answer. He was right. But she wanted to get sick. Starve to death if it was necessary.

"I don't want milk" she simply said

Ross sighed. She had rejected everything he and Monica had offerec for the last 2 days.

"Rach… Rachel please… I'm SO worried about you" he said hugging her. Her arms didn't move. She didn't hug him back, but he didn't seem to care, he didn't need her to show him anything, he only wanted to make sure she knew how much he loved her. "We'll make it through this, I swear" he kissed her forehead. "You are not alone sweety, you'll never be. I'm here to take care of you. I promise"

She finally hugged him back and started crying again.

"We should put you in bed" he stroked her hair lovingly. "Why don't you stay here tonight… and for a while… I'm sure Chandler won't mind"

She just nodded.

He smiled.

"I'll call Rosa to tell her to pack some of your stuff and bring it here, alright?"

She nodded again before leaving for his room.

Ross stood in the living room looking at his bedroom door for one minute or two. There was something about the look she had given him in the graveyard that scared him to dead, and it was the same glow that had seen in her eyes that very same moment. Everything she said and did felt like a goodbye. And he was afraid of facing his life without her.

He walked into his room and saw her lying on her side of the bed with her clothes on. He walked to his closet and took a t-shirt out of it. Walked to her side and handed it to her. Quickly she stood up, undressed and put the t-shirt on.

"Would you lay next to me?" She asked once she was already under the covers
"Of course"

Ross took of his shirt and his pants, and got in bed next to her just in his boxers.

She turn to face him and run her hand though his naked chest.

"I love you" she whispered, cuddling closer to him. "Thank you very much. For everything"

The feeling of all this being a good bye filled him once again, but quickly he brush it away. She wasn't going anywhere, and if she was, he wouldn't let her go alone… he would follow her to hell if it was needed.

"I love you too honey, more than words can describe" he whispered into her hear.

She knew it was true… and for the first time in days she drift into sleep, right next to the only person she wanted to protect and safe from her messed up life. The same person who was trying to protect her from everything but the one thing that was killing her. Herself.

--------

Rachel woke up and looked at the watch on Ross's nightstand. It was 11:30 pm. He was asleep. For the last 3 days he had slept probably as much as she had, maybe less, so he was beaten.
She knew what she was going to do, and had to do it quick.

Rachel got off the bed slowly and silently. Took off the shirt she always wore to sleep when she stayed there and put her clothe once again. Slowly, she exited from his room, locking the door.

On the counter, right next to the phone, were a little notebook and a pen. She took them and stared at the white paper for about a minute before starting writing.

Ross,
I'm sorry… I can't give you the one thing you want the most and that's killing me. I can't stay here. I can't do this.

Love you forever, Rachel.

And without looking back she left the apartment, the building, the country and her life.

To be continue....

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So that's it... I had to write a short note, you have no idea how much that took me. I knew I had wrote something about it in one of the first chapters, so I had to read the whole thing again...

I know at the start of the chapter I said I tried to make Rachel's reasons for leave clear, but she was very confused... it was an impulse, that's what I really wanted to show here...

PLEASE, KEEP REVIEWING, it is very important to me, specially cause there's only one or two more chapters left and I could really use some help right now =S...

Take care...