Yes… I haven't forgotten about this fic… it just that a lot of stuff had happened since the last time I updated… school kept me really busy this year, but I'm done with it… and one of my new years resolutions was finishing this story, so here I am ), back in action.

---Overcoming the loneliness – Ch 13 (Nowdays)---

That day was a big blur in her head. How had she arrived to her apartment was a big question mark. The lapse of time between telling Ross about the pregnancy and that same moment was completely erased. She left his apartment like a ghost, that wasn't her life; the one sitting in her apartment floor wasn't her. It was just a body without a soul, the soul, she had thought had died 5 years ago, died that day again, right after watching the confusion and pain in Ross's eyes

"Wha… what?" he had asked, completely lost.

She hadn't been able to really explain to him what had happened 5 years ago. She couldn't relive that awful day once again and make him see her real reason to leave him. It hadn't been cause she didn't love him, cause back then he was he only owner of her heart, body and soul, not that all of that had changed in all this time they'd been apart anyway. Not once she had felt the same way. Not once she had been kissed or touched the way he used to kiss her and touch her, and she knew she never will be, she knew that the minute she took that plane. Completeness was what she had left behind.

Slowly, Rachel got up from the floor and headed to her room that was still filled with boxes. She had been back in New York for about 3 weeks and still hadn't fully unpacked. The place looked more like the apartment of a person who was about to move out than the one of somebody who had just moved in. it have the feeling she was ready to leave any minute, and she probably was. That day more than ever.

But she couldn't leave; she couldn't keep running away like this. She needed to heal, she needed to let go. And that place was the right place to do it, that was the right way, for her, for him, even for her father's memory. She needed to allow herself to be happy again, 'because the way she was living was killing her, and she didn't want to die. She had taken the decision of been free. She wanted freedom from all of her demons. She had taken the hard, painful and bumpy road that ended in paradise, or at least that was what she hoped, and wasn't going to stop now.

Ross wondered around his apartment for about an hour not knowing what to do or how to react. Rachel had just dropped an atomic bomb over him and he just felt so lost. She had just stood up and left, right after revealing him the miscarriage. He had decided not to follow her or even insisting in knowing how or why, or the biggest question of all, why she didn't tell him. He still need the need to protect her and hadn't been able to demand the explanation he so deadly needed.

For the last 5 years, the most unbelievable theories had run through his mind, answering the "why she had left" question. He never thought that for a few days the woman he loved had a baby of his inside her. If he had known, he'd have taken so good care of her and the baby. If he'd known he never would have allowed her to talk to her father about them alone, like she did. He'd have stood right next to her, like she had probably needed so badly.

Suddenly it hit him. That must have been the conversation she had with her father. That must have been the revelation that lead them into a fight. That must have been the reason why she felt so guilty. Guilt. That had been the spark in her eyes those days before she left. Guilt had taken her away from him.
Ross felt the need to run to Rachel's apartment, to tell her nothing of that had been her fault. Not the baby, not her father's death, not the miscarriage, not even leaving him. It had been just destiny. It had been just a travel of events that had taken the wrong way. It had been just their luck. Just loneliness trying to win them over, and he wasn't going to give up so easily.

She hadn't been in that place in 5 years. She hadn't seen those trees, smelled that air, or felt that wind on her face since the day her father had been left there, along with will to stay there. She never thought she'd be able to come back, but just like she had been doing since she met Ben in her building hallway, she was facing her diamonds, fighting her fears and healing her wounds.

The last time she had been there Ross's arms had been locked around her body. Now she was on her own, covered by an expensive designer coat she didn't even remember buying. That was her life now. A strong shelter didn't protect her anymore; she didn't have a place to run to. It was just her, dressed only with her skin, covered only by a designer coat, feeling completely naked and unprotected against the world.

She looked down at her father's gave

Leonard F. Green
1947 – 1998
Beloved father

'Beloved father'. She hadn't noticed that written the first time. She smiled. In spite of all she had always been daddy's little girl. Listening to every single one of his advices, except when they involved Ross. She had never listened to anyone when it was about Ross. Sometimes she wished she had. Some others she was happy she didn't. Most of the time she just missed those times really badly.

She kneeled down and placed the flowers she had been carrying

"I know you never were a big fan of flowers, but I just thought bringing you lilies would remind you of me" she said softly.

"I'm so sorry daddy" she added as she started to cry. Not able to hold it anymore. "I'm sorry you had to find out about me and Ross that way" she tried to talk between tears. "I'm sorry I was so rude to you. I'm sorry for not listening to you. I'm sorry for disappointing you" she cried. "But I'm not sorry for Ross… I'm just sorry for breaking his heart and making our lifes miserable".

Rachel stood up and whipped away her tears. Wrapped herself with her arms and looked to the sky. "I'm sorry for having been so weak. I'm sorry for being scared of everything. I'm sorry for always being such a coward"

"You are not weak, and definitely not a coward" Rachel heard a familiar voice saying from behind. She didn't turn around. She didn't want to. It probably was just her mind playing games. "You are the bravest woman I've ever known"

She let go a small chuckle that sounded rather sarcastic. "Right. That's why I keep running away".

She finally turned around and saw Ross standing a few feet away from her. It wasn't her imagination after all.

"You are still here, aren't you?" he asked with a smile. "That takes a lot of courage".

He was dressed with a black suit, a white shirt and a black tie, with a long coat covering his elegant outfit. He looked distinguee, elegant, grown up, she thought. So different to that kid that had stood next to her the last time she had been there.

"What are you doing here?"
"I thought I could find you here" he answered, approaching to where she was standing.

She backed away.

"Ross… I…"
"Don't worry, I'm not here to ask you anything, I just wanted to know if you were ok"

Rachel sighed. That question was even harder than any other he could have asked.

"I don't really know" she confessed, lowing her gaze. "I always thought that after telling you what happened the rest of the story would come out easily, and it would make it all go away, but it didn't… I just…." She paused before she sighed. "I just couldn't put myself through that again…"

Ross hurried to where she was standing and hugged her like he had done so many other times before

"I know, I know… it's ok" he whispered into her ear. "I don't need you to tell me anything, I think I can figure it out on my own"

Rachel quickly let go of Ross's embrace. For the last 5 years she had been learning how to live without him, and it would only take a hug, a kiss or even a look to throw them all away. She just couldn't allow that to happen, she was there to heal, not to open old wounds.

Ross mentally kicked himself. "I'm sorry" he apologized, backing away a few steps.

"It's ok" she lied, not looking up. "Look Ross…" Rachel sighed. "I need to be by myself right now, you've been really kind to come all the way here, and… and to bring this flowers… but I need to do this on my own"

"Sure… sure… I just… I just wanted to see you were ok. A-and to tell you that… if you need anything… well, you know where I live" he added, smiling shyly

"Thanks" Rachel smiled grateful, knowing he meant it.

"Just… don't leave again…"
She finally looked up at him and into his eyes.

"Not yet… please". He begged

She saw that old flame inside his eyes she used to enjoy so much still burning and dancing inside his pupils.

"Don't worry… I still have a lot of stuff to do here" she assured him

"Good" he said smiling. "I guess I'll see you around then"

"Sure"

Rachel was left alone with her thoughts once again, with her memories and her ghosts. She was alone again and she felt alone.

A chilling cold run through her back and she wished she'd asked Ross to stay next to her, the last time he had made everything much easier.

She looked up from her father's grave and saw Ross standing far away from where she was, sitting right next to and old tree. Even though she could only see his back, and the distance was enormous, she knew it was him, and she run.

Ross turned around to check on Rachel, she was trying to move on, he knew, he was trying too, but something told him that as soon as she did, he would be able to do it too.
Carol had been right, in his life everything had always been about Rachel, and probably it would always be.

Just as he had been doing for the last 4 months, he went to Carol's apartment to demand her taking responsibilities over Ben, she was his mother and the kid missed her so much. "This isn't healthy for a little kid" he had said, and "I don't understand what does he has to do with 'us'… why is he paying for my mistakes?!". He knew calling their marriage a mistake was pushing it too far, she had been the only one who never left his side and stuck with him even knowing Rachel'd never be out of his mind completely.

"Don't you see it?" she had said. "Every time I look at Ben I think of her… of the day we conceived him… of the reasons why we conceived him. You were drunk, desperate, broken hearted. You came to me right after she left and I was so in love with you I couldn't see beyond my nose… I always thought that I loved you enough for both of us, but I've always known she's the reason of the whole thing. I know she's the last thing on your mind when you go to sleep and the first in the morning.
I'm tired of being in a second place, I'm tired of feeling like the rebound after Rachel, and I'm tired of seeing her face in your eyes every time you look at me… I can't do this anymore Ross… I need a life free of the memory of Rachel… I need to live my own life" Carol paused. "You know it has always been about her… not me, and I need my life to be about me"

And she had been right, that's why he had given up on forcing Carol into his son's life, she deserved a Rachel-free life, for him it was already impossible.

"I'm sorry" she said once she reached the place where he had been sitting.

Ross looked at her with a smile she could only describe as charming, and she smiled back.

"You don't have to apologize Rach" he said sincerely. I was amazing how two days ago he felt the need to blame her for everything that was wrong in his life, and now, he couldn't help but blame himself and admire how beautiful she was.

"Yes I do… I've been selfish… just like I was 5 years ago, you deserve an explanation more than anymore in the world, and I run away, that's what I always do Ross… I run away… but I'm so tired of running, as I'm tired of feeling scared…" she had been looking straight into his eyes the whole time, somehow his eyes had always managed to keep her together, to carry on, they had always been her light in the darkness that helped her escape from total disorientation, helping her find her way back, they had done it so many years ago, and they were doing it now.

Ross remained silent, he knew she was right, he deserved to know… he just didn't want her to go through all that again so he could satisfied his need for information.

"I just want to know why didn't you tell me" he simply asked

Rachel looked at him intensely, not sure how to put it down in words, but knowing the answer very well.

"I just…" she trailed. "I didn't want to hurt you".

"And you think waking up alone in my bed and finding your note right next to me didn't hurt me?" his tone was not sarcastic, nor he was trying to hurt her. He was just being honest and trying to understand.

Rachel sighed.

"I recognize it wasn't the most brilliant thing to do… but I needed time to figure things out, to get it together… I lost everything I had in just a couple of minutes Ross!!".

She tried to get a hold the tears that were forming in her eyes, but a couple of them made their way through her face.

"And me?? You hadn't lost me Rach, I was there, with you… all the time"

Rachel looked down. "But eventually you would have left" she said, as more tears fell through her chicks. "Eventually that's what everybody do… you would have followed your own way"

Ross hugged her. He simply hugged her and this time she didn't pull away.

"I'd never left you. I never will" he said as he kissed the top of her head. He broke the hug a little just to look into her sad sky blue eyes. "Rachel, I'm not letting you go… I'm not leaving, not now… not ever"

Rachel looked at him for a moment, he was still the same boy she had fallen in love with so many years ago, the same one who told her he was in love with her before their first date even started; her first kiss; her first time; her everything.
He was the same guy she had been in love with all of these years; he was still her Ross.

"But so many things had happened" she said, stepping away from him once again. "So many things had changed" she added, referring to herself.

"I know. Life has changed us" he said. "You are this beautiful, sexy, woman, so different to that skinny girl I met on a plane once… and I'm sure I'm different too…. I shave now!" he let out a small chuckle.

She smiled too.

"The thing is, I wanna meet the woman you've become Rach, cause I know the girl you used to be"

"But I'm so different now…" she said softly

"How different can you be? You're still scared of being happy, you're still looking for the place where you belong. You still need to be loved so much. I still look into your eyes and see loneliness and a million ghosts tormenting you, maybe this are different ghost, but I wanna help you fight these ones too…"

"I was so scared" she confessed crying, as she hugged him again and cried on his chest, letting it all out. And once again, he was her shelter. He was her refugee. He was her strength.

They walked from the graveyard together as Rachel felt how she was leaving there more than she expected. Something inside of her started healing just by that talk she'd had with Ross, just by being there with him, just by holding his hand that very moment.

She looked at him and he smiled. That smile that caught her attention so many years ago, that same smile that was making her feel warm once again, that same smile that was making her feel alive and at home. A burden had been left behind and she could feel the pieces of her shattered souls coming together once again.

"So what do you wanna do now?" he asked. "Lunch perhaps?"

"Lunch would be great" she answered. Her eyes were still red and puffy, but she didn't care. She felt so different somehow.

"Just one thing" he said, stopping their walk. "Would you mind if Ben comes with us? I promised we'd have lunch together, and I'm pretty sure he'd be really happy to know you are joining us"
"No problem" said Rachel smiling. "It sounds perfect actually".

"Even if that means Chuck & Cheese instead of Tavern on the Green?"

She smiled. "I'll survive"

Rachel had finally found what she had been looking for so many years. Closure. Forgiveness. Healing. Somehow deep inside she always knew that those things would only come by looking at Ross into the eyes, it was as simple and yet as complicated as that, and now, it was here, it was hers, and she didn't know what to do with it.

She sat on her couch, one of the few things that were unpacked, basically cause the couch had been there when she arrived, as she drank a cup of coffee she had just made.

Funny. 5-years-ago-Rachel had no idea how to make coffee, she thought.

She felt so different from that girl she used to be, she saw her as a different person sometimes, and she knew Ross loved that girl, not this woman. Spending the afternoon with him and his son made her realize he had become the man she always knew he would. He was confident; a good father, caring, loving, and above all things, a good man.
He definitely was that same boy who had been willing to wait 10 months for her to come back to him. But she was so different, she felt so different. Like she didn't fit in Ross's life anymore. She had been a memory, a pain in his heart, and now here she was, making her way into his life once again. Somehow she felt that is wasn't enough.

There was a knock on the door that snapped her out of her thoughts.

"I'm not specking anyone" Rachel thought, and for a split second she hopped it was Ross.

"Don't be silly" she said to herself.

She opened the door and saw Ben standing in her door strep.

"Weren't you asleep sweety?" she asked sweetly

The kid has run and played so much with his father that afternoon that was beat, and so was Ross. He had fallen asleep in the cab in their way home.

"I just wanted to give you something" he said.

Rachel looked surprised.

"Sure, come on in" she said, letting him enter to her apartment.

"Does your daddy know you are here?"

"Yeah"
"Good"

Ben looked around. "Are you moving?"

Rachel looked around too. "No, I just… I haven't stared unpacking yet".

"Oh" said Ben simply and started wondering around the room.

Rachel sat on the couch again, without taking her eyes away from the kid. He was definitely a blond and small version of Ross, and the more she looked for Carol's resemblances, the less she could find them.

"Well" she stated. "And where's my gift?"

Ben approached to her and kissed her sweetly on the cheek, leaving Rachel stunned.

"I just wanted to give you a goodnight kiss" he said before leaving the apartment running. "Goodnight!!!" he yelled in his way out.

And then, somehow, Rachel knew it all fitted

To be continued…

This was a long chapter… and probably the one after the ending…I'm still trying to figure out a way to give this an ending that's satisfying enough. For now I'd like to read your feedbacks about this one… so please remember to leave me a review )… and thank you very much for reading…