I wrote this chapter so many times I hope it still makes sense and it shows what I want it to show, confussion, loneliness and somehow guidance.
Remember they don't belong to me, I'm just a crazy fan who likes them and miss them very much.... and the song is "Distance" by Evan & Jaron
---Overcoming the loneliness – Ch 14 (Nowdays)---
Life's always a surprise. Every single day an opportunity of starting all
over again is born, and the beauty of it all is that it's up to every single
person to define the path life will follow. It can take you to heaven as it
can take you to hell; but at the end of the journey you can always see life
has a little of both, and the moments in heaven make hell endurable, just as
hell makes us enjoy being in heaven even more. Without one there wouldn't be
the other, just as without day there's no night.
Rachel knew this, and after spending 5 years in hell for her own will, the
road to heaven became every single moment more glorious. Even though there
still was a long way ahead of her, she looked at it now with a smile upon
her face, knowing that wherever this would take her, it would be better than
where she had been. One thing she knew for sure, there was no coming back
and deep inside that was the only thing that scared her now, not knowing for
sure if the road she was taking wasn't really a wolf dressed as a sheep. For
all she knew, darkness will always be with her.
Between the group of friends, tension was still in the air. The other 4 didn't know where Ross and Rachel were standing now, and neither did they. They hadn't had an actual conversation since that day in the graveyard; neither had they shared more than small talks about Ben, the weather, or how obsessed Monica was with her wedding.
Ross didn't want to push her or scare her away, she was there, she was healing and starting to feel happy again, and for him it was all that mattered.
For Rachel, it was a relieve. She was going through so much wondering that
very same moment that adding something else to the list would push her over
the edge. She was taking it slow now, and it was the way she wanted to keep
it.
So far things were going great, the visits to the graveyard and Rosa's had
become a weekly thing, and it was amazing how healing those experiences were.
Christmas had come and gone with the blink of an eye, and so had new years. Rachel had forgotten how magical the holidays were when you share it with people you love and who care about you, and having a kid around made it even better. Somehow all the bitterness this days used to bring her were gone just by a glimpse at Monica's attempt of having the perfect dinner, Phoebe's weird but adorable songs, Chandler not-so-understandable-but-pretty-sarcastic jokes, Joey and Ben's childish actions and of course, Ross's eyes, the only person in the room who seemed to understand how lonely this days could be, just like she did, even when you were surrender by people. In his eyes she could see understanding, empathy, and loneliness.
Ben quickly had become someone essential in her life, his energy, his shine, his light, everything about him had such a powerful impact on her, she just couldn't explain. Deep down she knew it was because of the idea of her baby, the one that had been inside of her for so little, but lived in her heart for so long, the one she saw whenever she looked at Ben. She knew he wasn't her baby, and he never would be, he had never been inside of her, he was Carol's, the one woman she had always been jealous of, the one ghost that had haunted her relationship with Ross in the past, the one face she saw standing next to Ross whenever she pictured his new life all those years she was away. But whenever he was around, she liked to pretend all of that hadn't been true, she liked to pretend she was confident, secure, and mature enough to be a mother, she liked to make the other people believe she was his mother. Deep down she wanted to be.
It was one particular day, while she was in the park with him, that she realized she'd probably been pretending for too long.
"Rachel?" has said the little kid looking at her, while she sited on one of the benches from the park.
"Yeah sweety" she replied, taking away her eyes from the book she had been reading, to look straight into his eyes. She enjoyed looking at him whenever he had a big question, like he always did. His eyes danced just like his daddy's.
"Can I call you mommy?" he simply asked, leaving Rachel stunned, catching her off guard.
His question was so sincere and pure that made Rachel's eyes water and her heart squish.
"Why… why… why would… why would you call me 'mommy' sweety?
"Because all kids at school have mommies, and I don't…. and cause I want you to be mine" he answered.
Rachel hugged him, not able to contain the tears any longer; she had come back to New York looking for closure, not to turn her life into a big charade. She realized she couldn't force herself into Ben's life, that would only bring him suffer, this wasn't her place after all, she knew it, or she wanted to believe it. Soon enough the real her would take her life over, and she would go back to be the self-centered, workaholic woman she had been the last 5 years. Ben needed more than that. Ross needed more than that.
"Benny-boy, listen to me" she said, breaking the hug and wiping her tears away. "You're not the one who gets to decide if I'm your new mommy, and neither am I. your new mom will be whoever your dad wants her to be…"
Ben looked down.
"But hey!" she lifted his chin. "Even if that's not me, that won't mean I'll love you any less". She added, kissing the top of his head and hugging him once again. She did love him, how could she not to? Ross was in that little boy.
This time, the pretending had gone a bit too far. Ben's feelings were on the line
"Perfect Rachel!, this is just perfect" she thought
He opened the door of his fridge to get a beer, feeling completely exhausted. He still didn't know how Rachel did it to deal with Ben an entire day on her days off; he couldn't handle the little kid for more than a few hours. The familiarity of this routine made him feel warm, like whenever Rachel was with Ben he could pretend they were one big happy family. But at the end of the day, when he got home, pretending was all it was. He was alone.
Since Rachel showed up in Ben's life he had been acting more like the kid he
should have always been, having her around made him so good, and he loved
her so much. It was so satisfying seeing them together.
If only he could share with her the same closeness his son did.
He took a sip from his beer and turned on the TV, flipping through the
channels. He wasn't really in the mood to watch TV, he hadn't been in the
mood for anything lately; he just didn't want to go to bed yet.
His nights had felt so lonely lately, not even when Carol had left him he
had felt this way, to be honest with himself, many nights he had felt alone
while Carol was sleeping by his side. Knowing Rachel was asleep in the
apartment above him didn't help. He would stay up all night, remembering how
it was having her in his arms, waking up next to her, seeing her smile in
the morning, shinning brighter than the new day. Her kisses, her touch, her
smell, the way she trembled whenever they made love. He'd wonder if she
still did it and if she had done it with another man, if her naked body
still looked like a sculpture under the moonlight, and if she still snored
while she slept.
He turned off the TV and went to the stereo, maybe a little music would take his mind away for her for a few minutes, he thought, knowing it wouldn't work. Music always made him think of her even more.
The sky has lost his color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you are away
He sat on his couch again, feeling how the tunes and lyrics of the song filled the room and his head, while he emptied his beer can. There was something very lonely about that night, even more than any other, and he feared she'd leave him again.
This time he wouldn't be able to take it.
I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough
The knock on the door snapped him back to reality. He had been so into his thoughts that for a second the room around him had seemed to disappear.
He stood up and went to open the door, and there she was, standing in front of him, like if his thoughts had called her, he'd had been quietly screaming her name for a very long time, and as pretending was his game now, he would pretend she had heard his calling.
She wore a look that was hard to read, and he hated the feeling of not knowing what she was going through anymore. It made him feel she was farther away, in a place he couldn't reach her anymore.
"Hey Rach" he greeted. "Can I help you?"
"Hey… can I talk to you?" she smiled weakly, and kind of ashamed of herself for asking.
"Of course, of on in"
"Thanks"
She stepped into the apartment and saw the empty can of beer in the middle of the coffee table, right next to an empty box of pizza and what looked like Chinese food recipients.
"I was just…" he tried to explain his mess.
"I know… feeling too tired to clean up, huh?" she smiled. "Ben can tire anybody"
"Oh yeah, that's very true"
"Is he asleep already?"
"Yeah, it's passed his bed time"
"Right"
"So what did you guys do today?"
"The usual, we went to the park, he run all over the place, I read a book… you know"
Small talks like this had been the tonic of every single conversation they'd had for the last 2 months, and suddenly Ross felt sick of it. He wished she just say what she wanted to say and leave him alone. Seeing her there tormented him more than he thought it would. He missed her so much, so much it was killing him.
"Can I offer you something to drink?" he asked instead of what he really wanted to ask.
"No, thanks" she replied polite. Somehow she couldn't manage to look at him in the eyes.
He gestured to her to sit on the couch and, very shyly, she did so.
Both stayed quiet for what it seemed like an eternity. She hated that feeling of awkwardness that ruled their encounters this days, everything seemed so forced.
"So…" he sat next to her in the big brown couch, and let his eyes wonder around her face. "What do you want to talk to me about?"
Rachel felt very nervous. Ross still made her feel so many different things, especially when he was looking at her like that and sitting so close.
"It's… well… it's about Ben" she answered.
Right, what else could it be about? Them?... of course not. He stood up feeling frustrated. What was he thinking?
"What's up with my son?" his tone wasn't as nice as he thought it could be, letting it show all the frustration and anger he was feeling at the moment with himself for still being so damn optimistic, if he still could use that word.
Rachel turned around to look at him. Ross was upset. She knew it, and felt so guilty.
Great, guilt again, the one thing she was trying to get rid of.
"He… well… I… I don't think I should be spending as much time with him as I am"
Ross looked at her. "What?"
Rachel stood up from the couch and started wondering around the apartment, stopping by the window.
"He asked me if he could call me mommy today" she confessed, as she let go of a sign. "I don't want him to get the wrong idea"
She turned around to see Ross's stunned face.
"And I don't want Ben to be a part of this, he has nothing to do with what happened and I don't want him to get hurt. That's why I want you to talk to him, explain him I can't be her mother"
"Why not?" Ross let slip.
"What?" she asked stunned.
"Why can you be his mother? The kid is crazy about you… he adores you"
Rachel sighed again, closing her eyes not to see his face, his pleading eyes asking her for such a wonderful task she just couldn't do.
"I'm going back to London"
Ross felt how his world trembled and crashed once again. He wasn't going to let her go, not this time, not like this.
"I thought you had stopped running" he replied, trying not to seem affected by the news.
"I'm not running away…"
"You're not?! There's a kid in there, ready to love you with all his heart and you're running away from it!!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You are doing it again!!" Ross yelled. "Is it so horrible for you to feel loved that you have to push away everybody who ever tries to??"
Rachel remained quiet. Ross was right, he was very right.
"It's not that…" she said softly.
"It's not?" he sighed. "It was your father the one who died that day Rachel, not you"
"Don't talk about my father!!" she cried
"Listen to me…" he demanded, taking her by the shoulders, noticing her eyes were filled with tears.
"Nothing of that was your fault" he said.
Rachel let go of Ross, she didn't want to listen to this again. Not again, and certainly, not from him.
He grabbed her by the wrist, not letting her leave the apartment.
"I said listen to me!" he repeated.
She turned around and caught the look his eyes were giving her. She stopped trying of letting go from him and stood still, not looking up.
"Rachel, stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over. Guilt
is not going to take you anywhere, and shouting your heart won't do it
either. It won't bring your father or the baby back, it won't give you back
your old life either.
I promised you I'd help you to heal, but you've been keeping me away from
you because you know I love you. Don't do this Rach, don't run away from me
again, please"
He wiped away the tears that were rolling down her face with his free hand. She closed her eyes, feeling his touch so gentle, so caring and so filled with love.
"You need to be loved… you need to be loved so much. And you deserve it, probably more than anyone in the world…"
"Look at me" he pleaded.
She slowly looked up.
"I'm here… I'm still here, willing to give you my heart, and so is my son. We can't live without you Rach. Don't be afraid of loving us back"
His eyes were begging her for a chance to love her, and she couldn't understand how a man could love a screw up woman like her so much.
"I'm sorry" she said with a sob freeing her wrist from his hand, while shaking her head. "I… I just… I can't"
Ross shook his head, feeling how a couple of tears rolled down his cheeks.
"I don't deserve it. I ruined your life, and mines, my father's and even Carol's… you can't see it, but that's what I do… I don't wanna ruin Ben's too"
"Do you know" he said softly, "that if you walk out that door… you'll take
my heart with you? I died the day you left; a part of my soul left my body
and went away with you… I tried looking for you so many times… even when I
was married to Carol. I think I went to London 3 or 4 times… and then I gave
up. I understood I had to live, for my son, not even for myself.
So if you leave now, I won't do it again, I won't look for you… I won't even
chase out for you to get you back…"
Ross looked straight into her eyes.
"So if you're gonna leave, do it now… cause it 10 seconds I'm going to kiss you, and if I do that I won't be ever to forget you for the rest of my life".
Rachel didn't move… so many things running through her mind, so many images and opportunities, so many chances and so many choices to make, all the decisions she had to take in less than 10 seconds. She also knew if she let him kiss her, she'd never had the strength to leave, if he allowed him to press her lips against hers she'd stay there, kissing him forever, and for that, she must leave, she must leave that very same moment, before it was too late.
"…10"
Too late.
His lips were pressed against hers before she realized what was actually happening, that old feeling of been actually swept of her feet and having taken her breath away was washing over here once again. Ross's lips had always had that power over her. Well, his lips, his hands, his whole body had a power over her that she'd never been able to explain.
Instead of pulling away, like Ross thought she would, she deepened the kiss, opening her mouth so his tongue could wonder around her mouth. This felt so normal, this felt so right, and both had been missing it since that one last kiss they had shared 5 years ago.
His hands, first firmly placed on her hips, were now playing with her hair, God he loved her hair, specially that coconut smell that used to drive him so crazy.
Her hands traveled through his back, to his chest, to end up wrapped around his neck, holding onto him not to break the kiss she had longed for such a long time.
He broke the kiss just to kiss her forehead, while she buried her face into his chest. He kept holding her, keeping her near, feeling and listening to their heart beats and her breathes. He wasn't letting her go.
With his arms firmly wrapped around her, she looked up, looking for his eyes, catching him eyeing her with a smile upon his face. Suddenly she felt that same clumsy girl who, so many years ago, had stood in front of him outside the building where she spent her summers with her father, right after receiving her first kiss. It had been this very same boy who now was in front of her, and the same feeling of a new beginning had washed over her that same night.
She kissed him again, this time not so deep and quicker than the previews time, not because they didn't want to repeat the previews kiss, but because they just wanted to enjoy the closeness of each other.
"Stay" he said. Not as a request or a command, but as a pleading, one that came from a wounded heart, one that only 5 minutes ago, and after 5 years, had started to heal.
She just nodded. It was so hard to say no to him.
But most important, she didn't want to say no.
In that kiss she had found something she had thought lost for such a long time, in his lips she had found herself, in that moment, she had felt happy, the same happiness she used to feel when she was 15, the same happiness she felt every time he looked at her. The same happiness she felt whenever she was home.
Tadaaa... ).... only an epilogue left now....
To everybody who's been reading, thanks for keep up with me with this fic, and please, remember to leave me a review... it's very important to me to know what you thought, specially cause this was kind of an important chapter...