I really shouldn't ask for reviews…it seems to get me less. Sorry if this gave anyone POV problems, but it's not that I didn't put the lines; it's that they stopped working.
Clutchy: OK, thanks. You decide on that. Excuse me while I leave to grin evilly. Don't worry; I won't Petrify him…yet…If he was petrified now it would totally wreck the story!
MuggleBuddy: Oops. I meant Siberian night wind, not Siberian desert night wind. Thanks for pointing out the mistake. Yup, it was based on the stuff from my other story. Told you it was a rewrite.
Kiharu-sama: The age difference, yes…But isn't Holly quite young in fairy terms? Thanks for reviewing!
Black Aliss: Short reviews lately I see.
(I toss every reviewer a cookie. "I'll give readers who didn't review last chapter a box of cookies each if you go back and review last chapter. I SWEAR ARTEMIS ISN'T AN ELEMENTAL!")
Something about the way Artemis and Malfoy fight reminds me of Yuki and Kyo…Sorry for any spelling errors that are caused by QuickEdit.
Chapter Nine: Christmas Charm
"We used it until last winter, but it's caved in – completely blocked."
-- Fred and George, referring to a secret passage behind a mirror, 'Prisoner of Azkaban'
Dinner that night – a steaming lamb stew and apple pie -- was a fairly quiet affair, with Snape insulting Lockhart and Malfoy insulting Artemis, who insulted right back with no trouble. It went something like this:
"I feel so sorry for you, having to stay over Christmas because nobody wants you back home," Malfoy would say, adding 'Mudblood' in an undertone.
"Then why are you still here?"
It would go on like this until Artemis finished whatever course he was taking, where Malfoy would proceed to taunt Artemis again.
"You need a serious character adjustment, Malfoy." Artemis paused to sip his pumpkin juice. "Have you considered reincarnation?"
The Gryffindors ducked under the table, evidently giggling hard. When they came up, Blaise's little Christmas charms activated, morphing their clothes into various outfits.
Malfoy was a giant, waddling Christmas turkey, who tended to make a sound like 'gobble-gobble' in between intervals of a few minutes. Potter was dressed as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, complete with bright red nose and antlers, not to mention a little tuft of a tail.
Snape was decked out as a devil, horns and all. Theo took the form of an angel, halo included in the package, with white pants, wings and shirt free. Lockhart had taken on an Artemis Fowl complexion (now with wrinkles), and his hair and robes had been dyed such a dull grey that one would want to vomit at the sight.
The Weasleys were reindeer too, all of their deer outfits varying in size. Artemis glanced at himself. Black hooded cloak, very good. Skin starting to look even paler than just now? Excellent for intimidation. He felt a little prickling around his gums and conjured a mirror quickly.
"I have fangs now, it would seem. How did you manage to turn my irises cinnamon-coloured, Blaise?" He'd rather liked them blue, but this particular shade of red wasn't bad. Dumbledore, decked out in Santa Claus – San D'Klass, Artemis remembered – outfit, was watching him warily. Snape had stopped taunting Lockhart and was looking at him with a more than a bit of fear on his face. Theo scooted back slightly from Artemis, glaring at him.
"Since you always smiled like that," Blaise pulled a crude imitation of a vampire smile, "I figured that you might want to be one for a couple of hours."
"Yes, but could you take the charm off? I'm scaring Snape, Dumbledore and Theo."
"It won't come off for two hours."
"I'm going to the library now. I trust I'll be meeting you at the common room in an hour?"
"No problem. Hey – take a shortcut. Remember what I said this morning."
"You sound like a housewife fussing over her child."
Artemis bid his friends – correction, allies, according to dear Malfoy's rule – goodbye and headed to the library. The library was on the fourth floor, to the east, but Artemis headed northwards. There was a statue of Nymeria the Nymph in a corridor adjoining the kitchens'. Artemis descended a staircase and came face to face with the Nymph.
"Asharium!"
The Nymph sank into the floor and moved left, leaving a nice hole for Artemis. He jumped in and repeated the password. After making sure that the statue had returned to its original position, Artemis continued on.
He'd made some sort of a private lair here. The tent had Blaise poking around, the Room of Requirement would end up giving his location away to anyone who 'needed' it and the Slytherin common room and boys' dorms had Malfoy poking around. Considering how much they hated each other, Blaise and Malfoy had more in common than they admitted. Either way, there wasn't really an area where he could really get privacy, except here – a location he'd weaselled out of, ironically, Godric Gryffindor.
The stair-passage to this little cave-like place led from the fourth floor downwards and forked at the first floor. The one on the right, Artemis knew, led to Hogsmeade, the wizarding village. He never blocked it off. Instead, he climbed a few stairs and created a magical door that could only be opened by the Gnommish word for 'open'. Not very good, he knew, but how many students knew Gnommish?
Artemis had, of course, had to furnish this totally bare area. He kept his spy crystal here, along with a Sneakoscope. Unreliable, apparently, but it could work surprisingly well. Artemis had gotten suspicious when he'd walked past a rat in a corridor and the Sneakoscope had started whistling loudly – suspicious, that is, of both the rat and the Sneakoscope.
Of course, Artemis had some other objects here as well. A miniature, circular library of books on magic, Muggle items and a copy of the fairy Book. Artemis rarely read for leisure, but he did have a collection of psychology books down there (his own), plus some crime novels and a now-dusty The Da Vinci Code.
The good thing about this particular area was that Artemis had a LEP-style computer system here – something like an operations booth.
Two monitors ran at all times. One was CNN, and the other had the LEP micro-site on it. Artemis clicked on the Missions link – he was logged in under Trouble Kelp. He snorted. Trouble? Why couldn't the fairy admit his real name?
"Captain Trouble Kelp of the LEPRetrieval Squad. Mission…" Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Locate a missing officer, Cadet Lili Frond. In Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." This should be interesting. "You will be assisted by LEPRetrieval One and Captain Holly Short of the LEPRecon Unit."
"Captain Short. Really." Artemis paused, before looking up Lili Frond. She was a blonde airhead, apparently. A disgrace to the name of Frond, he mused. I've never been one for stereotypes, but why were all the blondes he had met (fairly, in Juliet's case) dumb?
He spent fifty-four minutes reading up on magical illnesses (in a 'borrowed' book) before he realized the time and stood up, replacing the book as he went.
He never noticed the Bloody Baron, bloodstained robes flowing elegantly behind him, pass into the room through the stone walls.
"The pureblood families are all interrelated."
-- Sirius Black, 'Order of the Phoenix'
The twins somehow reminded the Baron vaguely of his right-hand man. His servant of old. Draco Malfoy the First, son of a poor family, known to the castle staff by the demeaning nickname of 'Peeves' because of his jokes and love for mischief. Peeves had been a terrible potions assistant, but the Baron, once a potions professor before he became of age to inherit his father's title – the second, in fact, tutored by the great Slytherin himself – had kept him around. He had no idea why.
Red hair…the Baron couldn't help but smile at that. Draco Malfoy the First had vivid red hair. And a brother, of course, only blonde. Hayden Malfoy, the ghost's favourite student.
He chuckled again, which did not fit his features well. They'd been pretty stiff for a thousand years. Draco Malfoy the Second, founder of the Weasley line? The fact alone nearly made him laugh again. It had been Hayden, ashamed of his brother's carelessly disposing of the Malfoy name to escape the authorities, who carried on the line. Heck (here the ghost shuddered at his blatant use of 'modern' vocabulary), the Malfoys and Weasleys were so closely related (aside from the last few generations), their hatred was completely ironic.
The Baron did rather like the Fowl boy, though. Devious, smart beyond belief, and powerful. There was no chance of him being an Elemental; he was too strong for that. The Elements believed in equality. The ghost sighed. Now, if only Fowl had been pureblood…
Yet again, it was Godric Gryffindor, and his blasted descendant, that were stronger than him and Slytherin again. Godric had been gifted, better than most in magic, but so self-confident. Slytherin, on the other hand, had practiced hard and finally outdone the Founder. Said Founder, however, had seen fit to kill him, the Baron's mentor. Great.
Wait. The Baron revised his earlier thoughts. Weasleys and Malfoys related? Draco Malfoy the First, Peeves? Well, it was all true, but still…The ghost smirked to himself as he floated out of the room he had built. It sounded very much like a cheap soap opera to him.
He, the ghost decided, really had to stop allowing Friar to force him into watching that ghastly Muggle contraption they called TV.
(Reminder to self: put a line here.)
"The Dark Lord will rise again," Draco Malfoy III muttered in mocking imitation of Lucius, snorting. He wasn't THAT much like his father. True, he shared the idea that pure-bloods were infinitely more powerful. He knew that pure-bloods held a high position in wizarding society, so he made use of his status. But even he had heard the tales of the Dark Lord, and had decided he wasn't low enough to snogging the Dark Lord's feet. "Stronger than ever. Good heavens, father, when are you going to understand the simple fact that teenagers rebel?"
"Are you talking to yourself? That's the first sign of insanity." Crabbe said. Draco shot him a funny look.
"You never articulated the word 'insanity' properly before, you know…"
Crabbe looked nervous. "Really? Oh, OK."
Draco decided that there was something wrong with Crabbe. He was acting far too smart and even reminded him of that idiot Weasley. The way he'd clenched his fist when Draco had showed him the article. Malfoys, Crabbes and Goyles had always hated Weasleys, and vice versa. Enough said, and he'd wanted a laugh, after all, what with Fowl returning every insult he shot at him…
Speaking of Fowl, he was coming in through the portrait hole. "Oi! Fowl! I need to talk to you. Get over here!"
"Are you blind or have you just mistaken me for a house-elf? I'm less than four feet away from you. You come over yourself."
Draco groaned mentally and went over. "OK. Crabbe's acting weird."
"Your point?" Fowl looked unimpressed.
"Yeah? You think that's bad? Go talk to your pals over there. You should've seen them. I saw them earlier when they thought nobody was around. Crabbe, cousin Zabini, and bloody Nott. Talking together in one little group about Merlin knows what."
Fowl looked slightly worried now. "We should check it out."
"Oh, NOW the genius realizes there's something wrong with his friends."
"No," Fowl said coolly. "I can tell from here that there's something wrong with my friends – oh dear, Malfoy, allies, sorry. Their mannerisms, the way they walk, and even their dialogue. They're not wearing the presents I gave them either."
"Yeah, and you didn't figure that out when I told you about Crabbe?"
"I couldn't care less about your shaved gorilla. I would simply prefer it if my allies retained their sanity," Fowl shot back. "You get Crabbe into the dormitory. I'll get my companions. We'll hold the little interrogation there."
Draco was thoroughly irritated at the idea of taking orders, but obeyed anyway. Although he wasn't going to admit it to anyone else, it was what he would have done.
"What are you doing?" 'Crabbe' protested loudly as Draco dragged him brutally up the stairs. Draco didn't reply.
By the time he'd heaved Crabbe's bulk to the dorm, he slammed the door behind him. Fowl was there, waiting with his Silver Trio friends. It was the same for trios. The Leader – that was Fowl, and Potter for Gryffindor. The Sidekick – Theodore and Weasley. The Brainy One – Blaise and Granger.
Only for Draco, there was no brainy one in his trio. Bulstrode was smarter than she let on, yes, but she rarely hung around anyone but Parkinson.
Draco slammed the door again, remembered it was already shut midway through the shoving movement, and somehow ended up kicking himself. He swore silently. Malfoys were supposed to be graceful and poised at all times.
"Really intelligent of you, Malfoy. But now is not the time to argue."
Everyone other than Draco looked puzzled. Fowl and Malfoy not fighting? It must have been snowing in Africa right about then.
"Right," Draco muttered. He performed his best locking charms on the door. "So. Crabbe."
"Uh, yeah?" 'Crabbe' asked.
"Theodore Nott," Fowl smirked. "Blaise Zabini. What do you two have to say for yourselves now?"
Everyone looked puzzled. Again.
"Question for you two," Fowl said melodramatically – at least in Draco's opinion. "What were the passwords in the letters I gave you?"
Passwords? Now Draco was interested.
"Err…" Both of them were stammering. Fowl seemed happy.
"Excellent," the raven-haired boy said, smirking. "So, who am I speaking to now?"
"Going straight to the point, are we, Fowl?" Malfoy thought.
"Us," Blaise said worriedly. "Are you all right?"
"Let me guess," Fowl continued. "Crabbe is acting odd. Both of you are acting odd. And Malfoy was so kind as to tell me that the three of you were chattering away in a deserted corridor earlier. If you had been more observant, you would know that Crabbe does not talk to anyone other than Malfoy and Goyle.
"Therefore, given your oddly Gryffindor-like ways of acting earlier, I can only conclude that you are the Dream Team. Correct?"
"No," Zabini said, looking petrified. "We should really get you to the hospital wing."
"Snape," Draco put in, "mentioned the Polyjuice Potion in class once. It lasts for an hour and transforms the drinker into whoever they wish provided they have the ingredients. You're acting Gryffindorish and the only Gryffindor who actually listens in Potions is Granger.
"Snape kindly told me that the Polyjuice Potion was only mentioned to us. Call it a special privilege," Fowl said. "Gryffindor personalities are a huge contrast to those of Slytherins'. You can't act, for one. Let's wait for an hour and see if you're telling the truth, shall we?"
"No need," said Draco curtly. "The real Crabbe disappeared some time after you left dinner, to 'go to the toilet', according to him. He was tailed by Weasley. I stayed to chat with Snape. My dear cousin and Nott disappeared for a little private time less than a minute after that, followed by Potter and Granger the Mudblood."
Fowl smirked. Crabbe's giant spade-shaped hands had curled themselves into fists at Draco's last word. "Well, it would appear that at least part of my assumption is correct. Crabbe's behaviour is so typical of Weasley. Oddly enough, Weasley seems fitted to the role of dumb bodyguard."
Draco sighed. "And here I was hoping that Crabbe could actually have undergone a miraculous intelligence increase…"
Artemis checked his appearance in one of the magical mirrors plastered to the Slytherin dormitory walls. Cinnamon eyes, paler skin. Check, check. One more hour and the vampire look would finally be gone. Red eyes were intriguing, but got rather tiresome after a while. Honestly, he looked like an albino.
Suddenly, he felt a jolt of stinging pain travel up his leg from the ankle. Bending down quickly and lifting the hem of his robes to check the cause, he found a large red welt there. He stood up and glared at Malfoy, who did not look in the least bit ashamed. "Stop checking your hair, Fowl. You're acting like a girl."
Artemis cast a pointed look at Malfoy's gelled hair. "I check my hair too much? You're the one with a peroxide fetish."
"Peroxide?" 'Crabbe' and Malfoy looked puzzled. Zabini didn't, which Artemis noticed. It was definitely Granger impersonating Blaise.
"It should be about five minutes, give or take a few seconds," Artemis stated.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Malfoy said, rolling his eyes.
"Stooping to childish insults, are we, Malfoy?"
Malfoy was spared answering by the sudden sound of voices in Artemis's head.
--Aurum Potestas Est! MY HEAD! I'VE GOT A MIGRAINE!—Blaise screamed.
--Serpenstrength. Really,-- Artemis said, completely emotionless. –Where are you?—
--Somebody stuffed us into a cupboard and didn't have the decency to leave the doors open. It's an airing cupboard. A LOCKED airing cupboard. And we're stuck here with Crabbe. Both the idiot and Theo are out cold.—
"Miss Granger? Where did you lock my fri – allies?"
"Fri-allies? Uh…" Granger (bushy brown locks were now covering Blaise's blonde head) seemed nonplussed at a student addressing her as Miss Granger. "We left them a floor above us. It's a locked cupboard next to the stairs."
"An airing cupboard?" questioned Artemis cryptically.
"Ye – oh, no…" Granger paled (she was back to her old self, just in Slytherin robes). "Shall I go get them with you?"
"No need, Miss Granger. I'll take the liberty of getting them myself," Artemis said coolly. "Malfoy."
"What?" the blonde snapped. He and Weasley were having a highly immature staring (glaring) contest.
"Make sure that nobody gets up to any mischief here. You may be a racist, but I don't trust the Gryffindors not to hex you and make a run for it. Keep an eye on them."
"Whatever." And thus the glaring contest resumed.
Artemis sighed and left the dorm. Descending the stairs, he activated the camera he'd planted behind the mirror. The glass lens blended perfectly, so nobody noticed. The computer screen of the C Cube showed any happenings in the room. So far, so good. He left the common room without incident (except that a fourth-year tried to accost him on the way – the boy was left tied up on the divan) and within five minutes was strolling calmly across the room, a gagging Blaise, Theo and Crabbe by his side.
The minute Blaise saw the Dream Team there, she started screaming at them, even going so far as to stride across the room and jab Weasley in the chest hard. (I would put the yelling, see, but I'm afraid that would put a lot of restrictions on this tale.) Finally, Artemis gave up with his conjured ear plugs and cast a Silencing Charm on Blaise from behind.
"Now that we are all gathered here comfortably, I have a proposition for you all."
Everyone in the room turned their gazes towards Artemis. Theo was the first to speak, in a hoarse sort of voice. "How does" – he coughed hard – "this involve" – another cough – "both Gryffindors and Slytherins?" he wheezed.
"I suggest you get some water for that nasty sore throat of yours, Theodore." Artemis then noticed Blaise jabbing at her lips. "Yes, Blaise, I am perfectly aware that you would like Theodore to kiss you, but I never knew that you felt that way about me."
Blaise gave up pointing at her lips. She looked absolutely furious, and then ran towards Artemis, grabbed him by the neck and started to choke him.
"All right!" Artemis gasped out. "Finite Incantatem!"
"Better," Blaise said grumpily. "You sick pervert."
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by a certain individual, I was going to propose that Slytherins and Gryffindors form an alliance." Artemis glanced at everyone's blank faces and sighed. "A working partnership, you could say. Strictly platonic, with no other inter-house relationships whatsoever. Call it whatever you like. All I am suggesting is that we work together to find out who the culprit of all this mayhem really is."
"Are you mad?" Potter and Malfoy yelled in unison.
"I was admittedly hesitant about this idea, but Gryffindor courage mixed with Slytherin strategy and cunning makes an excellent combination, don't you think?"
"And I don't see why you would want the Chamber closed," Weasley said defiantly. "You are a slimy Slytherin."
"And," countered Artemis frostily, "a Slytherin policy is this: Save your own skin first. You'd never be able to aid your allies if you didn't have sufficient time to strategize, no?"
"Why would you want the Chamber closed?" Weasley ploughed on relentlessly.
"Didn't you figure it out by now?" Theo snarled, temper flaring up. "Fowl isn't exactly a wizard name, is it?"
Comprehension slowly dawned on Weasley's face. "Oh…"
"Yes," Artemis said briskly. "So, what do you think? Are we all agreed upon this?"
"Why not get some others?" Potter asked. "Ravenclaws would be good. I mean, the Hufflepuffs don't like either of us at the moment, yeah, but…"
"The Ravenclaws are admittedly rather intelligent, but don't know how to apply it on anything other than classes or homework," replied Artemis.
Granger sighed and reached out a hand to shake. "If you solemnly swear not to harm us at all during the alliance, you have yourself a deal."
Artemis glanced at the hand. "Of course I would agree. I was the one who brought it up, in case your memory fails you." He turned to Malfoy, leaving Granger's hand. "And you?"
Malfoy glared. "Fine. Mudblood."
Artemis rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to bother with a pithy comeback this time." To the Gryffindors, he said, "Can you find your way back from here?" They nodded. "Excellent." He nodded politely at them all. "Goodnight. Merry Christmas, by the way."
Author: The sequel, Volume II, will be The Ace of Diamonds. Volume III will be Dragon Heartstring, IV will be Shades of Grey, V will be Opal Deception, VI is Ashes to Flames. Don't ask about the last bit. I don't know why I picked that title.
Vote for your favourite Artemis pairing!
Artemis glares at me. "Cretin. You already forced me into suggesting a disgusting Inter-House alliance and now this? A ROMANCE? What are you on?"
Nothing, I say.
Here are your options, readers!
-Artemis and Holly ("I respect the Captain, certainly, but this?")
-Artemis and Ginny (I have a nice guy lined up for Ginny already. You didn't actually think I was going to give her Artemis or Harry? But then you have your options.)
-Artemis and Hermione (The author thinks dreamily of a Ron-Hermione. They're so sweet together…Ron and Hermione I mean.)
-Artemis and Juliet ("NO! Juliet is more of an elder sister than anything else!")
-Artemis and Cho (Both author and Artemis scream.)
-Artemis and Luna ("WHAT?")
Artemis glares at me again. "If you think that I will pick ANY of them, you got another thought coming!"
Well, I tell him, you either pick someone from that selection or I will force you together with Gregory Goyle, and even slash fans hate the guy.
Artemis groans. "Please, readers…just pick someone…but avoid the Goyle option. Please?"
Reduced to begging, are we, Arty?
--me
Preview of 3rd year, as this one will round itself off OK in five, maybe six chapters.
Artemis Fowl - Volume II: The Ace of Diamonds
..."You're not human," Artemis said quietly.
TheDealer nearly jumped out of his skin at that. "Wha..."
"I did a background check on you.Don't deny this. Your abnormal concealment ability for which you are so famed? Fairy shielding. Apparent invulnerability to physical wounds? Your magic. Your other students may be ignorant, but I assure you that I am not."
The Dealer was silent. ...
--I wanted Theo's pet to be named Asharys...but decided to save it for something else. Tell me what you think and don't forget to vote for the pairing!--