Artemis isn't gay, just a warning. I have nothing against slash personally, but I just CANNOT picture Artemis as a homosexual. (Some fit the description and some don't.) Like I said, don't own anything. Sorry.

The story's moving a bit fast, but I figured that the whole Chamber mystery would be solved a lot quicker with Artemis around.

Chapter Eleven: unlucky birthday

Shortly After the Twenty-Valentine Fiasco

The Slytherin Boys' Dormitories

"Looks like he never bothered to write in it," Butler commented as his charge looked over the blank diary.

"Perhaps it works the same way as the Founders' diaries." Artemis took a quill from his personal (and organized to the extreme) desk. He dipped it in some emerald ink and raised the quill above the first page. He paused, the quill hovering in midair. It probably wasn't a good idea to spill the fact that he was Muggle-born. Purebloods were fairly respected, after all. Better not talk too much, though. It could have a Soul-Stealing Spell on it. 'Who – or should I say, what are you?'

His ink sank into the page and came back out, in words Artemis had never written.

'I'm Tom Riddle. And don't worry; I'm not imprisoned here against my will.'

'What makes you think I would think that?'

'Guesses.'

'You have no imagination.'

'I know.'

'I'm searching for the Heir of Slytherin. It's nothing important; just curiosity. I, after all, am a Slytherin myself.'

The words came faster this time, with an elegant sort of flourish, as if Riddle was trying to show off.

'I'm a Slytherin, too. Proud to be in this House?'

'Why wouldn't I be?'

'Of course. Slytherin is a noble House. What's your name, anyway?'

Artemis racked his brain for a good name. Vauthorn, he decided. An Irish pureblood family. But he certainly couldn't go by Artemis here.

'I'm Aiden Vauthorn.'

'You're a Vauthorn? Male or female?'

Now Artemis was irritated. Even someone who didn't know his real name was asking for his real gender. Surely he wasn't that feminine.

'Male. Obviously.'

'Do you get asked the gender question a lot?'

'Yes.'

'Ah. I was just wondering. You do know your family custom, right?'

'No, of course I don't. I've been born and bred in this family, so why would I know the custom?'

'Was that sarcasm?'

'Your sense of perception is atrocious.'

'Yes, well, sarcasm is a lot more difficult to detect on paper. Anyway, the power of the Vauthorn family is passed down along the female line, so I take it you've got a lot of sisters – if you're the older brother, Aiden?'

'Forget them. Do you have any clues as to the Heir of Slytherin, being a Slytherin of fifty years ago?

'…Yes. In my day, it was told to us that it was a legend; that it did not exist. But this was a lie. I discovered the real Heir and captured him, delivering him to the Headmaster. But the Heir of Slytherin lived on, and was never imprisoned.'

'Go on.'

'Ah, yes. Well, Aiden, I can tell you that a girl died, and her body was found in a bathroom. Muggle-born. I wouldn't wish whatever killed her on my worst enemy.'

"You're acting very well, Tom Riddle," Artemis muttered. He snapped the book shut and turned to Butler. "I need you to research everything you can find on the Riddle family and any Tom Riddle you might happen to find along the way. This Tom Riddle is particularly relevant, so don't bring me anything that doesn't have him in it. Search only non-magical books."

"Yes, sir. And you will be…?"

There was a cold glint in Artemis's eyes. "Researching the magical records…and extracting information from anyone who has some."

Butler held his tongue and didn't point out that the extracting was his job.

A shadow stirred slightly in the portrait next to Artemis's bed, and hurried off to report to his master.

Thankfully, the as-yet-unnamed shadow went unnoticed by all but Butler.

"Artemis…?"

"Yes?"

"Just now, in the empty portrait…I saw something moving. I'm not sure what it is."

Artemis didn't entirely believe his bodyguard, but trusted him. And he did not appreciate finding out that he was being spied upon. "I'll have to buy some curtains." He sighed. Reading or even Scanning through all the books in the library was a trying task, and he'd have to hire the other two best researchers he knew. Somehow, he didn't quite feel like approaching Hermione Granger at the moment.

8.00 a.m.

18th February

Slytherin Boys' Dormitories

Butler had been up early on this particular Thursday. He was thumbing through Bridget Jones' Diary, its book jacket replaced by the covers of an old issue of Guns and Ammo. Only Artemis Junior and Juliet knew about Butler's embarrassing addiction to romantic stories, and Butler fervently hoped that no one else would find out.

Dumbledore had given him an extra bed in the boys' dorms. Butler had put up the curtains over the portrait earlier. He then noticed a bucket of water hanging over his employer's bed. Sighing, Butler put the book into the bedside drawer and stood up, heading over to remove it.

The bucket (which happened to contain mud, coinciding with 'Mudblood') promptly upended itself all over Butler and his best Armani suit.

Artemis Junior drew the hangings and stared at his bodyguard. "Good morning, old friend – though I suppose it's not a very good morning for you. I don't think that fabric will ever be the same again."

"Yes," Butler replied, scraping off the worst of the mud with his handkerchief. "Anyway, happy thirteenth birthday, Artemis."

The Fowl heir's fleeting expression of surprise confirmed Butler's thoughts; Artemis had, in the midst of all his knowledge and cunning, temporarily forgotten his own birthday.

"Ah…thank you. Many happy returns," Artemis took a present Butler passed to him. It was from Angeline Fowl: an interesting timepiece that told the movements of the planets, along with the time. Each hand had a separate backdrop of one planet (three were omitted to allow space for the planets to move). Artemis put it on without a word, face completely blank.

He did allow a small smile, though, when Butler passed him his present. Although it wasn't correct protocol, the two of them were close friends. Artemis unwrapped it carefully. It was a complete set of alchemy books. "Thank you."

Butler sternly ordered himself to get over the slight shock of a Fowl saying thank you.

Artemis's smile totally vanished when he opened Juliet's present; a pair of American Converse sneakers. Europeans called them trainers, but neither culture was sure why. Butler made a mental note to tell his sister that Artemis and Converse did not mix well. From the look on his employer's face, Butler decided that the additional 'teen' clothes that Artemis had been sent would be burned later.

Blaise had given Artemis a poster of the new, up-and-coming Irish Quidditch team. Apparently the new Chasers were excellent. Artemis put it up in some not-too-obvious place. The Chasers shrank back at Artemis's formidable glare. This was accompanied by a form, evidently from Snape, for the subjects Artemis wished to take next year. Artemis, much to Butler's worry, signed up for everything. Apparently he was eager to prove himself.

"At least I didn't tell Granger my birthday," Artemis muttered. Butler was barely able to prevent a smirk from tugging at his lips.

"What do you think she would have sent?" the manservant asked.

"I don't want to know…"

25th February

The hue of Granger's cheeks could have been described as brilliant scarlet, cinnamon, or a deeper-coloured version of Lockhart's Valentine decorations. Neither she nor Artemis was particularly keen to speak about the embarrassing Valentine's Day incident. Unfortunately for both of them, it was the talk of the school, and there were many sniggers and hoots coming from various directions.

A pair of brown eyes peered out from behind the History section, vanishing as soon as anyone looked at them.

Artemis sighed and concentrated on finding his chi as Butler had taught him. "Hermione?" The name sounded extremely strange in his mouth. He quickly filled her in on the 'mission' parameters, explaining the diary to her. Hermione was up for the challenge, but the shade of red didn't fade as she bustled over to the History section. Artemis headed for the records. Ah well, even genii make an occasional mistake, and his was leaving the diary alone.

Sadly, he found nothing that day except some old yearbooks. He was speeding through the pictures on the Scanner (connected to the Cube) when he stopped. He'd noticed something. Artemis double-clicked on the moving picture to enlarge it.

A boy and girl were laughing, smiling like they didn't have a care in the world. Beside them, there were three other boys of about seventeen. Two of them noticed Artemis and waved to him. All of them were wearing Gryffindor robes. Apparently, the Slytherin crest on his robes was out of their line of sight.

Artemis then looked at the first boy. It was Potter. Not Harry Potter, maybe, but a Potter nonetheless. Bird's nest hair was definitely hereditary…and what was it with the Potter family and round glasses?

The boy who'd noticed Artemis smiled and waved shyly. He looked a bit sick, with light brown hair and hazel eyes that would have been fairly attractive to a girl. The other boy had black hair and eyes, and reminded Artemis of a celebrity walking down the red carpet.

The girl, whoever she was, had auburn hair and almond-shaped green eyes. The same eyes that were hidden behind the stupid glasses of the Boy-Who-Lived. Definitely Potter's mother. The redhead in the picture turned around and looked at Artemis, waving. She was wearing something on her neck on a leather string. There was a pin on her robes that read Lily Evans, Head Girl. She was quite pretty, Artemis thought.

Oh, no, you don't. You did NOT just think that Harry Potter's MOTHER was pretty!

It was just his luck to have a Cynical Voice in his head that sounded like Captain Holly Short.

I do not think she is pretty. And besides, stop talking to me. I don't want to be hailed as a schizophrenic.

Artemis quickly clicked to the next picture before Mental-Holly could protest the Lily comment.

And so the picture-browsing went on.

Artemis was grumpy for a number of reasons. Number one was that he hadn't found anything except a picture of Tom Riddle – the resemblance was uncanny. A sixteen-year-old Artemis could have passed off for Riddle's brother. The real similarity, however, lay in the eyes. While Riddle's were black, both their eyes were cold and hard, betraying no emotion.

Number two was that the diary had evidently gone missing.

And reason number three was that he'd nearly tripped over the Petrified form of Hermione Granger when he'd left the library.

Reason number four was that Peeves had found him.

"You're killing off students, you think it's good fun…"

Peeves launched into a chorus comprising of some very rude words. Butler couldn't do anything; even Artemis Fowl II did not know how to kill a ghost. But, Artemis swore, once he had devised a way (if it even existed), he was going to settle his score with Peeves once and for all…

"Peeves?"

Reason number five: Draco Casper Malfoy had just arrived on the scene.

"What the…" Malfoy gaped, before he was interrupted in his profanity by Artemis.

"Language."

"Oh, fine. Did you see who did it?"

This was greeted with a stare from Artemis that clearly stated: 'are you stupid?'

"Ah, yes. If you'd seen it, you'd be next to Granger on the floor. Correct?"

"Obviously." Blue met silver in a clash of ice. The silver was the first to look away. "Get Potter or Blaise – preferably Blaise – and take Granger to the hospital wing."

"Why me? And secondly, why Blaise or Potter?"

"Neither Potter nor Blaise has reason to have had Petrified Theodore or Granger. You, on the other hand, have both. Do I need to spell the rest out for you?"

Malfoy glared. "Yes, Fowl, I think you should. I think I know what's going on already, but why not get your lapdog over there to do it?"

"Because Butler is not a lapdog and referring to him as such will not help your case one bit. If you insist on my having to tell you the rest, I suppose I can. Blaise taking Granger to the hospital wing with you will prevent your being incriminated, provided you say that both of you found Granger at the same time. And, as you know…"

"Potter wouldn't swallow the lie or catch on in time."

"He is incredibly slow on the uptake."

Malfoy nodded, not meeting Artemis's eyes; perhaps trying not to admit that he, a Malfoy, was obeying orders from a Fowl.

"Where's my cousin now?"

Artemis paused. "Blaise is on her way to visit Theodore. She just left."

"How do you know?"

"She's coming here now."

-I'm at the west staircase leading to the library- Blaise said quietly. She'd been rather subdued since Theo's incident.

Then there was an ear-shattering mind scream. It was so loud that Artemis actually clapped his hands over his ears and half-collapsed. Butler put out a hand to assist him. "What happened?" The bodyguard's tone was sharp.

"Blaise…she's in trouble. Follow me." Artemis moved past the two with a speed Malfoy hadn't thought possible of Fowl. The Slytherin boys reached the top of the stairs in time to see a flash of long red hair move away from the bottom of the steps; a snake tail following it.

"Did you see that….?" Malfoy said softly, descending the stairs to lift his cousin's Petrified body.

"The hair, yes. I guessed it a long time ago, and this is the proof."

"Weasley will never believe us."

"The Gryffindors cannot grasp the policy 'fight from the inside'."

"'Attack from within'," Malfoy quoted. "Idiot Gryffindors." Wait, was he actually being civil to Fowl? Not possible. He'd let his guard down today. "And I'm taking her to the hospital wing myself. I don't need the filthy likes of you tagging along, Mudblood." Much better.

The Fowl heir's face suddenly bore an expression of astonishing familiarity. I thought you were better than that, Malfoy. Resentment, condescension and disappointment, tinged with a bit of anger. For a moment, Draco could have sworn that it was Lucius Malfoy and not Artemis Fowl that was looking down at him.

"Very well. I'll leave you there, then. Dead weight is difficult to carry. But I suppose the almighty Malfoy can take it."

Before Malfoy had even realized this brutally simple mistake, Artemis Fowl was gone, leaving no evidence that he or Butler had been there.

10.00 a.m.

The Great Hall

Ronald Weasley's Birthday, the 1st of March

Harry glanced at his best friend, unable to stop himself from thinking. Three down. Six to go…

And somehow, some way, even in the midst of all this trouble and Hermione gone, one thing was constant: Ron's appetite. Harry wondered whether eating eased the empty feeling in his stomach.

"What d'you reckon?" Ron said thickly, eating his way through his pancakes.

"Sorry?" said Harry. "I didn't catch that."

Ron swallowed his pancakes. "Two purebloods and Hermione have been attacked. Think it'll be Malfoy next?"

"Maybe. I don't know. The Slytherins shouldn't have been attacked in the first place."

Ron shrugged. "I s'pose Zabini was OK, for a Slytherin. Maybe someone twigged she wasn't working for the Heir and did away with her."

"Maybe it's an insider on the Truthseekers?"

"Nah. Fowl wouldn't hurt his sidekicks, and the rest of us are Gryffindors. It's got to be Malfoy."

Harry didn't answer. Somehow he suspected that Ron was right and it really was Malfoy leaking information. Who else could it be?

"D'you think Malfoy's a Parselmouth? Fowl said the monster was a snake."

Ron paused. "It probably isn't a snake. I mean, how could a dirty great snake get around the school? Someone would've seen. And he's probably guessing you're the Heir and wants to prove it."

"No. He could be right."

"Look at it this way," Ron shovelled some more food into his mouth. "Fowl's left with no clue, nothing to do with the Heir. He comes across something Petrifying in a book and guesses it's a snake. Fowl knows you're Parselmouth and starts thinking you're the Heir."

His words were indistinct; he'd started on the tomatoes and bacon. Harry glanced over at the Slytherin table and saw both Fowl and Malfoy sending malevolent looks over at their table. Harry then realized Fowl's expression was more disgusted than malevolent. But why?

Who would be next, Harry wondered as he ate his toast. And was Ron right? Was Fowl or Malfoy the real Heir? The Slytherin attacks– were they cover-ups for his status? Had the Heir of Slytherin been working with them all this while?

Little did Harry realize that the disgusted look had been directed at Ron, who was currently stuffing his mouth so full that it looked as if it would explode.

Not long after that, Harry and Ron left the Great Hall for Potions. Apart from a few sneers and smirks from a few older Slytherins, and a 'Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through' from the Terrible Twins, they got there without incident.

And then Ron said he had to use the toilet.

It never occurred to Harry that Ron might be attacked; too busy was he thinking about the real Heir. But it happened anyway.

"…Rip…Tear…Kill…"

Harry yelled aloud, startling a couple of Slytherins nearby, who muttered and moved away. He felt a tap on his shoulder and jumped, whipping around. It was Fowl, with his bodyguard. Both looked quite irritated.

"Potter, where's Weasley?"

"What d'you want with him?" Harry cut back defensively.

Fowl looked heavenward. "Good grief. Two Slytherin purebloods have been attacked. How long did you think it would be before the Heir expanded his range? And how could you be so stupid as to leave Weasley unaccompanied?"

Harry paled. Ron…

There was a shout from nearby. Apparently Pansy Parkinson had stumbled across Weasley on her way to the girls' bathroom.

"I've found the Heir of Slytherin," Fowl muttered to him under his breath. "Come with me."

"But…" Harry didn't like the idea of skipping Snape's class. He'd be in detention till he turned twenty if Snape found out. "Look, it's OK for you Slytherins, but I can't just…"

"Skip class? I have a solution to that, too."

Artemis hurried Potter along to the meeting place, Butler dragging Neville on the way. Malfoy was already waiting at the North Tower, looking bored and impatient. He looked up and counted on his fingers as they approached.

"One, two, three, four. Now, why is Weaslette always absent, hmm?"

"It's not what you think," Potter said loudly. "Stop accusing Ginny of this! She'd never attack her own brother, anyway!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. Gryffindor morons…

"Maybe not," Malfoy said in a bored voice, "but the Heir of Slytherin would."

Neville intervened before the conversation erupted into a full-blown argument.

"Didn't Artemis have something to say about this?" he asked, directing a questioning look at said Fowl, who had kept quiet before then.

"Obviously. The heir of Slytherin is one Tom Marvolo Riddle." Artemis waited for them to figure it out. Tom Riddle was good with word games.

Sadly, he got no results. Everyone but Butler just stared.

Artemis sighed. "His mother, Asharys Colfer the Third, was clearly descended from Asharys the First. Asharys the First's maternal great-grandfather was cousin to the McDowells. They were connected to the Liras at one point."

"I heard about the Liras," Neville said slowly. "I…I think…never mind. Go on."

"Certainly. In any case, Lucius Lira was born to Joren and Michelle Lira. I believe Michelle was descended from," Artemis paused for effect, "Aiden Mallorn, who was great-grandson to Elyon Mallorn."

"The daughter of Slytherin?" Malfoy interrupted.

Artemis smirked. "So you caught on at last."

"So the Heir of Slytherin is a half-blood?" Neville murmured, almost to himself. Artemis nodded.

"Now, has anyone figured out what Tom Marvolo Riddle can also mean?"

Silence.

"Well?"

Nobody moved, not even Butler, who had long since been told the answer.

"I'll have to show you, it seems."

Artemis took out his cedar wand and, with a muttered incantation, it ignited at the tip. Using the fiery sparks, Artemis wrote in the air:

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

He waved his wand and the words rearranged themselves.

I AM LORD VOLDEMORT

"Do you see now?" Artemis said coolly.

Malfoy was the first to regain his balance. "Well. Metaphorically or literally?"

"Either way will do."

"So Voldemort's the one behind all this," Potter said.

Artemis looked hard at Malfoy. "Your father wouldn't have anything to do with this, would he?"

"NO!"

"Well, that was a quick answer, and certainly clears up how Voldemort has mysteriously returned from the half-dead. This should be impossible, at least without any sort of followers returning to him." Artemis then told them about the diary.

Potter was, as expected, skeptical. "So, you're telling me that the ghost of teenage Voldemort possesses a diary, and that he's attacking people from there?"

"He attacks people by possessing the owner of the diary and using her."

"Stop saying her," Potter said irritably. "It's not Ginny."

"But I still haven't got any leads on the location of the Chamber." Artemis looked pointedly at them all. "Potter – Malfoy – use Malfoy's Invisibility Cloak and follow me later. Butler and I are going to pay a little visit to someone."

5.45 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time

Operations Booth

To say that Captain Holly Short of the LEPRecon Unit was annoyed would be an understatement.

"So," she stated through gritted teeth, "nothing on this school of magic?"

The centaur shook his head. "Nope. Nothing but that little stint with Malfoy Manor."

"And that's all a smart pony like you could find, Foaly? With all that technology? I think you are definitely losing your touch." With her arms akimbo, Holly suddenly bore a startling resemblance to Commander Julius Root.

"Well, I could get you into another 'fairy bet' if you don't keep quiet and let me do my work."

Holly fumed for a while and sat down; casting murderous looks over at Foaly.

Foaly smiled to himself, making sure to keep the grin hidden from the hot-tempered captain. The 'bet' had involved Foaly blackmailing Holly into going on a date with Trouble Kelp. It had been hilarious, especially when Holly found herself allergic to those strawberry and peanut-butter ice creams. It must've been the strawberry, Foaly decided.

"Dum de dum de dum…"

Was that steam coming out of the Captain's ears?

"Dum de dum de dum…"

Holly felt about ready to explode. Foaly was her best friend, and all, but that humming was stuck in her head, and the centaur knew it. Nothing like that tune to ruin her day.

"Dum de dum de dum…"

"FOALY!"

"Eureka!" Foaly said brightly at the exact same time.

"What?" Holly perked up, hoping against hope that the centaur had finally found something.

Foaly turned to her, a triumphant grin on his face. "I have it. Artemis Fowl just dropped out of St. Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen."

The next thing Foaly knew, he was being steadily throttled by the LEP captain, who had an unholy gleam in her eye. "And what, pray tell, does that have to do with the price of spuds in the Spud Emporium?"

Foaly pointed at his throat and made a gagging sound. Holly heaved an exasperated sigh and dropped him, buzzing back down to normal height. "Two syllables for your techno-riddled brain to comprehend. Re. Search."

"Yes'm," Foaly said, getting back to work. "So, tell me. What happened in Malfoy Manor?"

Holly groaned. Foaly seemed to want her to relive it over and over and over. "You mean apart from my wings failing in the middle of nowhere?"

"No, I'm talking about the one where you sneaked into the study to get some clues as to the son's school."

"Do I have to?"

"Oh, yes," Foaly grinned.

"Honestly, Foaly, you are insufferable."

"Back on the subject, my dear."

"Fine. Well, I was scouting the perimeter and stalking the inhabitants like Root told me to do. You know, after our contact…"

"Dobby, wasn't it?"

"Well, yes. He's not exactly the brightest of bulbs, but knew enough to welcome me in properly."

"You mean screaming for help as he shut his hands in the oven door again?"

"No. Some human manservant was doing the yelling. I think Narcissa Malfoy was after him, so the poor man went screaming bloody murder and calling for help."

"Oh. Another technicality, eh, Captain Storyteller?"

"Shut up. OK. Anyway, there was this stupid chambermaid. It's just wrong to do that with a married man on top of the divan in the study, whether or not he forced you into it. Anyway, I had to put up with a lot of amorous, Frond-damned crap as I hid under that desk. Just my luck that I was still facing the sofa. You know, I think Chix Verbil would have enjoyed that show."

"Ouch," Foaly said sympathetically. "Painful."

"It was painful for the chambermaid when Malfoy's wife found out. That was certainly one hell of a catfight. And while his wife was occupied, Malfoy took another chambermaid into that study and started in on it again. I barely got in and out in time. Dobby wasn't much help."

Foaly nodded. Evidently the captain had finished her rant. "Poor you. I think you've been scarred for life."

"Foaly," Holly sighed. "I don't really need to hear that from you. At least I know Lili got lost in some place called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Malfoy's a school governor, apparently. They're trying to get the Headmaster fired because some students there are being attacked."

"Attacked by?"

Holly scanned the notes from the study from her helmet into one of Foaly's lesser-used computers. "I found this. Speed-read, Foaly."

"Hmm." Foaly stared at the words scrolling by on the screen. "This guy appears to have used some sort of a diary to conjure a spirit to possess people to attack their friends to purge the school of 'Mudbloods'."

"Too many 'to's, my friend."

"I don't think that's the point here. Lili Frond is going to have a whale of a time dodging that attacker."

"Ahem."

The two friends turned. Root was standing in the doorway, face practically glowing red. He looked like he was going to blow a capillary or two.

"Shouldn't you be on the Castle Case, Short?"

"Yessir. I was just stopping by, sir. To check on the new wings." The wings ran on their wearer's own body energy, but had a spare, normal electrical supply if needed.

"You've stopped by, now get going!"

"Yessir," Holly muttered mutinously. "So where do I start, Commander?"

"Edge of the forest, and try for a bit of the castle. Don't do all. The Kelp brothers and LEPRetrieval One are on the case."

"Yessir."

"Stop saying yessir."

"Nossir," Holly said happily, and left quickly. It would take about two hours, give or take, to get a shuttle and then fly to the Forbidden Forest.

7.40 p.m. GMT

Hagrid's Hut

"What're you doin' here…oh…"

Artemis glared at the crossbow directed at his chest. "Now, why all the precautions, Hagrid? Do you really have to resort to shooting me?"

Hagrid lowered the bow, looking genuinely embarrassed. "Sorry, Artemis. Here, come in, come in, we'll have a cup o' tea…maybe some dandelion juice…"

"Dandelion juice?" Butler muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"It honestly doesn't sound very appealing to me," his employer replied.

The groundskeeper's hands were shaking as he poured the tea, which here means 'large cups of boiling water', as Hagrid had forgotten the tea bags. Both Artemis's and Butler's cups went untouched.

Behind him, Artemis knew, were Potter and Malfoy, each under their respective Invisibility Cloaks. In Artemis's opinion, it had been stupid of Potter to reveal such an important secret as that. But he didn't really care; for it had given him an advantage. From the barely detectable murmurs some distance behind him, Potter was still arguing with Malfoy about what the Gryffindor considered to be 'spying on Hagrid'.

Hagrid slapped a slab of fruitcake down on Butler's plate. The manservant poked it tentatively and winced, whispering 'harder than rock' to Artemis. As Hagrid sliced his way through the fruitcake, there was a loud knock on the door.

The Keeper of Keys dropped the fruitcake into Artemis's lap. Artemis stifled a gasp. The fruitcake was indeed harder than rock, and was extremely heavy to boot. Hagrid grabbed his crossbow and flung the door open.

"Good evening, Hagrid…ah, and young Mr. Fowl, too, I see."

"Headmaster," Artemis returned the formality. The second man was dressed in a pinstriped suit, a vivid red tie, a long black cloak and violently purple boots. Perched on his head was a lime-green bowler. It hurt Artemis's eyes just to look at the man (whom Artemis recognized as Minister Fudge) and his strange mixture of clothing.

"Dumbledore, I…oh, hello there, who might you be, young man?" Fudge smiled kindly at Artemis, who returned it with a steely gaze. Fudge backpedalled slightly.

"Artemis Fowl the Second, at your service," the last part was laced with a good deal of sarcasm and mocking.

Fudge stared. "You're Fowl?" His voice was tinged with fear as he looked Artemis up and down. Was that recognition in the Minister's face…?

Artemis quirked an eyebrow. "Allow me to refresh your memory, Minister. Yes, I am indeed Artemis Fowl, and would like to know why you, despite your authority, insist on disrupting a completely harmless meeting between friends."

There was a loud, barely muffled snort at the last word. Artemis winced. Whoever had let that out was going to get it later.

"What was that?" Fudge whispered, staring fearfully around.

Artemis scrutinized the man. Definitely a slick, well-oiled politician, and a pompous one at that. Incompetence seemed to be a job requirement for Fudge.

"Nothing, Minister. It must have been our imagination."

"Y-yes…" Fudge turned back to Hagrid, slipping on a self-important mask and faking a clipped, curt voice. "I had to come," he mumbled, as if trying to convince himself. "Had to. Very bad business. Bad business indeed. Six attacks on students. Things've gone far enough. The Ministry's got to act."

"I, I never did…" Hagrid stammered.

"Then, Minister," Artemis said icily, "do explain why I, a Muggle-born, have gone unharmed despite visiting him so long – or long enough to be attacked, at least." He certainly wasn't going to give a bumbling fool like the Minister the credit for all his work, and so didn't tell him what he'd found out.

"I want it understood, Minister," Dumbledore said, eyeing Fudge, "that Hagrid has my full confidence."

The combined stares of both Artemis's and Dumbledore's blue eyes were enough to unnerve a stronger man than Fudge. As it were, Fudge shrank back slightly and continued his speech, voice shaking.

"Look, Albus," Fudge babbled, his words barely coherent, "I've got to do something. Hagrid's record's against him. Got to be seen doing something – the school governors have been in touch."

"So," Artemis said, just loud enough to be heard, "your public image is more important to you than weeding out the real culprit of these attacks? Really, Minister. I thought you had a better sense of morality and justice than to simply throw an innocent – ah, man in a prison cell for a few months."

He was supposed to be the criminal around here, but even he wouldn't send an innocent man to the Dementors. Artemis had never seen one, and hoped not to.

"It's for a short stretch only," Fudge said, smiling weakly at Artemis. "I daresay you'll have Hagrid back with you soon enough."

"Not Azkaban?" croaked Hagrid.

There was a loud rap on the door, and it was answered by Dumbledore. There was a loud gasp from behind Artemis. Moving ever so slightly, Butler elbowed the gasper in the ribs, nearly starting another gasp.

Lucius Malfoy strode into Hagrid's hut, dressed in a long black travelling cloak. His cold, satisfied smile disappeared the moment he set eyes on Artemis. Malfoy's fiery yet subtle glare was met with glacial ice, so cold that it could burn. Anyone who had met the gazes of both would have caught fire right there and then.

"So, you are the infamous Muggle-born," this was said with a sneer, "criminal Artemis Fowl."

Artemis returned the greeting with a brittle smile. "Yes, and I take it you are the school governor Lucius Malfoy? Your name has been constantly circulated in the seedy underworld as that of a rumoured Death Eater's. And your son, for your information, is an idiot." The young Fowl received a sharp poke in the back at this.

Mr. Malfoy did not look happy at the comments, and chose to ignore them. Artemis smirked. Fowl one, Malfoy zero.

"Get outta my house!" Hagrid half-yelled in fury.

"Please believe me, my dear man, when I say I have no pleasure at being inside – er, d'you call this a house?" Mr. Malfoy smirked. "I simply called at the school and was told that the Headmaster was here."

"And what exactly did you want with me, Lucius?" Dumbledore questioned, with an air of faux politeness.

"Dreadful thing, Dumbledore, but the governors feel it's time for you to step aside…"

"It would be interesting," Artemis interjected, "to see if your choice of a Headmaster would be competent enough to fill the position and do a better job than Professor Dumbledore. How many of the governors did you have to threaten before they agreed?"

There was a deafening silence.

Mr. Malfoy ignored the comment again, though Artemis could see a few veins popping in his head. Draco kicked Artemis in the back, nearly revealing his foot, and hissed in his ear, "What the hell d'you think you're doing, Fowl?"

"Aggravating people," Artemis muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "and if you don't shut up and listen, I'll put a Sweet-Tooth Draught in all your meals."

That shut Malfoy up. He didn't seem to like the idea of having sugary foods for all his meals (at least for him - Everyone else would have perfectly normal, salty food).

Artemis turned back to Lucius Malfoy, who was flaunting an Order of Suspension. Malfoy stopped muttering expletives in Artemis's ear long enough for Dumbledore to say, "If the governors want my removal, Lucius, I shall of course step aside."

"But…"

"NO!" growled Hagrid.

Artemis transferred his glare to the Minister. "As much as I believe this is indeed a matter for the governors, I was under the impression that the Minister has more authority than," Artemis sneered at Mr. Malfoy, "a mere school governor."

Mr. Malfoy strode over to Artemis and bent down to whisper in the boy's ear (away from Butler, of course). "A mere school governor? Then what does that make you? A common, arrogant little liar whose head is swelled by delusions of criminality and a prodigious intelligence? If I am a mere school governor, what does that make you? Let me tell you. You're nothing but a filthy little rat, son of a couple of Irish whores."

"Allez vous faire voir!" The French oath was audible to all. Butler frowned and started out of his chair, imagining what Malfoy could have said to incite a 'go to hell' from Artemis Fowl.

"Sir, I understand that you have the school's best interests at heart, but with all due respect, does this involve scaring the living daylights out of second-year students? It's not, if you'll excuse me, exemplary behaviour to anyone." Beneath the politeness and 'with all due respect's was an underlying threat. The fact that Butler was about three-quarters Hagrid's height helped considerably.

Even Lucius Malfoy decided that he didn't want to fight with Butler – at least, not without backup. He sneered, and, with an unnecessarily loud swish of his cloak, departed the cabin. Fudge smiled weakly and made to depart, nodding Dumbledore and Hagrid out.

Artemis called out to the Minister before he left. "Minister? It's just a small, unimportant trifle, but would you be so kind as to take some of Hagrid's cake? It is truly unique, I should say."

The Minister smiled benignly. "Why, thank you, Mr. Fowl. Such a kind gesture." He turned and left, taking a slice. Fudge started eating it a good ten feet away from the cabin. Even from there, Artemis heard the yelp of pain.

He was still smirking when Potter and Malfoy threw off their cloaks. "That was really nasty, Fowl," Malfoy said, sounding highly amused.

Artemis looked innocently at them. It didn't fool anyone.

"We have to follow the spiders, right?" Potter reminded them, pointing at a window. Some small spiders were crawling up and out of it, despite the wind. Artemis winced. He didn't like the idea, but with Butler, what could possibly happen?

"Let's go."

Oh dear, what's going to happen when Artemis finds Holly AND Aragog?

And where has Lili been all this time?

Find out next chapter.

That sounded seriously corny.

Oh, and the winner for the pairing thing is Hermione Granger…don't flame or anything because it's not the ship you wanted please. She beat Holly by three votes. That was a close shave for you non-Holly shippers. For the non-Hermione shippers, I hope you'll still continue reading. The Artemis/Hermione won't really be focused completely upon until early sixth year, so that's a few more sequels, hmm?

And the "Family Name: Third Year" JUST implemented an Arty/Hermione. But I suppose Elbereth in April's pairing will be faster than this. Artemis and Hermione…hmm…sort of reminds me of Faramir and Eowyn from TLOTR. You know, Faramir with no chance at love and Eowyn just lost any chance with the Gondorian King, and they end up together.

Artemis/Lily…impossible because she's dead AND older…but it would be interesting, because they're my two fave characters… (Lapses into thought)… I love time-travel stories… (Deep in thought.)

Bye.