Secret Fields

Chapter 5

From Autum's house I drove all the way back home. By the time I pulled up to my driveway, it was already dark out. Next to my now parked car was the black Pinto as described to me by Mr. Yoas. I had gotten out of my car very cautiously and walked over to the driver's side of the Pinto. It was however unoccupied.

Confused as to what was going on, I started to look around to find anymore lumps under a tarp. Just then from my porch sprung a large object that made a loud noise.

"Boo!" shouted Kik as he came running at me underneath a white sheet. He came at me, full speed, until he was standing next to me.

"If I wanted that in my story, I would've hired the cast of Scooby Doo," I told him unaffected by his desperate attempt for a reaction. "And my friend, you are not Freddie Prince Jr." I thought about that for a moment, and then added, "Thank god."

"…so I didn't scare you?"

"No."

"Damn." He finally took the sheet off and looked down at his feet. "Well, I looked around the house and there is no trace of any late eighties/early nineties musicians."

"Good."

"Well…do you want me to go inside your house with you, and check it out?"

"No, actually I don't." I was really tired, and I just wanted to go to bed.

"Oh…well then I'm going to stay at the hotel that's only a few miles down the road-"

"Whatever." I said cutting him off as I walked away and went inside.

As I came out of my kitchen, I sleepily scratched the back of my head. So many things were running around through my head. Sting, dead dogs, Teepeelio and his lack of acting and now Orlando Bloom for god's sake!

"Every breath you take…"

Suddenly I stopped. Yeah that was a Sting lyric alright. And it came from the up stairs. Quietly, I walked over and eyed my fire poker. The traditional intruder beating weapon. Then I saw my huge collection of swords that sat next to it. Almost as though they'd appeared out of nowhere … as if the author had forgotten to mention them before. I grabbed one of them and unsheathed it.

"Every move you make…"

There was another one. I raised the sword and slowly walked up the stairs. I took a look around the upstairs room, and then headed into the bedroom. I looked into the corners, in the closets, and even under the bed.

"Every bond you break, every step you take…"

The bathroom! "Alright, now's my chance to say something clever, dash in, and slice this guy to pieces." I mumbled under my breath.

"You're not watching me, you English bastard!" I screamed as I ran into the bathroom, sword held high. I screeched to a halt as I realized there was no one in my washroom.

"What!" came a voice from my bathtub. I ripped the curtains away to find a man standing in it. Only this man wasn't the Sting that I thought it was.

"What the hell are you doing in my house, Puff Daddy!"

"Not…hiding a gun…if that's what you think…" he said, looking around desperately.

"OUT!" I yelled holding my sword up threateningly.

I followed him out to the front of my house, pausing briefly to drop my sword on the couch. I lit a cigarette as I watched him scurry into the woods.

"You know, I do just love remixes don't you, Mr. Aquosus? Do you know how many times people heard that song on the radio and thought it was mine?"

"God I hate you," I said without turning around.

"Mr. Aquosus, there is no reason to get rude."

"Rude? Rude! Killing my friend's dog, scaring me with rap artists who can't write their own songs, making me see my ex-girlfriend! Wouldn't you call that rude!" I picked up a stick and started to swing it at him. However, he caught it and pulled it away from me easily.

"I wouldn't go picking any fights with me. If you had read my book, you would know that I spent my childhood lifting tanks of milk for my father. Just because I'm an environmentalist vegan, it doesn't mean I can't defend myself. Now, my good friend, you only have a short time left to give me that story. I suppose you'd better get a move on that, Mr. Aquosus."

Rage was in my eyes as I stared at him walking away. He was singing to himself again. This time the words went:

He says I suffer from delusion
But I'm so confident I'm sane
It can't be no optical illusion
How can you explain
Shadows in the rain

The rest of the night I stayed awake, letting the anger run through my head. I stared at the blank wall on the other side of me. I snapped out of my rage induced coma when the telephone suddenly rang.

"Hello?" I asked into the receiver as I finally picked up.

"Hey, Mike?" God damn it! It was Autum.

"What the hell do you want?"

"I was wondering if you had a place for me and my boyfriend to crash at for awhile." I could tell she was really drunk. Hardly a new experience for her.

"Why would I let you stay at my house?" I was shocked that she would be dumb enough to consider it.

"Well we, you know, used to go out and everything, and I-"

"Yeah we used to go out, until you told me you were too 'mentally unstable to be in a relationship' to my voicemail - which you just proved by calling me and asking that stupid question - right after you just got done cheating on me!" I said cutting her off.

"Oh…yeah…that…" she trailed off.

"Besides, what's wrong with your house? I drove by the other day and saw you and Orlando Bloom out front."

"Tell him the story of me and the orcs!" I heard in the background.

"Yeah…well the house burnt down last night…we don't have any place to crash…" Just then I started cackling with laughter and just hung up the phone.

I laughed straight through the day, uncontrollably on my couch. When it started to get dark out, I calmed down a bit. The phone rang again. I had to stifle a few chuckles before I picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Aquosus?" It was the voice of Kik Yoas.

"Yeah, Kik. Want to hear something hilarious? My ex-girlfriend's house burnt down last night! Isn't that great!"

"Um…wasn't your story in her house?" That's when it hit me. He was right.

"…fuck!"

"It's ok. I was able to find another good story that you wrote. It wasn't easy, you write a lot of yaoi, Mr. Aquosus."

"Oh thank God! Wait…I don't write…yaoi…um…never mind. When can I get it?"

"I'm having it delivered tomorrow at three o'clock. I also had a thought. Do you think that this 'Sting' could have been hired by anyone to scare you?" He had a point. I thought about for a minute. After thinking, I realized that this seemed kind of like a situation that Johnny Depp would be in.

Pirates of the Caribbean was the last movie that Johnny Depp was in. Orlando Bloom! That's it, he hired 'Sting' to come in and scare me because with his acting skills he can only be a pretty face in the movies. Of course he wouldn't be able to star in his own movie, it would have to be someone else's!

"I might have someone in mind, Kik. But I'm not sure." I wouldn't openly admit Orlando Bloom is a bad actor. I would have a mob of teenage fan girls gunning my ass down if I did. Author's Note: I'm sorry, I don't like Bloom. Please don't kill me.

"Well do you think anyone around you might know this 'Sting'?"

"Mr. Bo-Jangles! He drove by one of my confrontations with Sting. As he went by he waved at Sting, and Sting saluted him." There was a short pause over the phone.

"Mr. Bo … Jangles?" I could almost hear him think, God I hate Stephen King references.

"Yeah he's the town hillbilly. Drinks his moonshine and drives his pick up every once and awhile."

"…right. Well tomorrow at nine in the morning, meet me at the diner. We'll go have a talk with this…Mr. Bo-Jangles."

"Ok sounds good, Kik. See you then."