And I Laugh

by LSL and rubberducky64

A collection of vignettes from Sirius's point of view, detailing his relationship with Remus Lupin and the other Marauders. Very bleak. SBRL. By LSL

1. Laugh

I remember the day I stood there on the blown apart street, laughing at how Peter got away, thirteen dead, not counting James and Lily. I remember you – apparating after hearing I was arrested and how you watched as they took me away. I had never seen hate in your eyes before, though anger had burned in them many times before.

Though that was the saddest day of my life, I laughed. You always said laughter could make anything go away, but it didn't make those amber eyes burning holes in me like acid disappear. You would never forgive me for what I had done, what I was thought to have done.

In Azkaban, I quickly learned how to behave, when to speak, when to laugh. I laughed often. My inmates moaned and screamed, cried or howled with rage, but not I – no, I laughed. I laughed at the irony of it all. You fell in love with me because I had done something evil, and now you hated me for the very same reason. Life is a tricky thing, you know, but I suppose it all works out in the end.

They all thought I was crazy, rather, they expected me to be crazy. Maybe I was. I don't know for sure. But I certainly acted the part. In my sleep I would dream of you, your amber eyes burning with hate, and every night as the moon shone through my pitiful excuse for a window, I laughed as I remembered you in all your hateful glory.

I knew I was innocent, I knew I would see you again and that you would still hate me for leaving, hate me for killing those people even when I hadn't, hate me for everything, for living, for breathing, for simply existing. But when I did see you, and you saved me, I saw there wasn't hate in your eyes any more. There was pity. Not for yourself, but for me.

It was the pity that hurt the most, I think.

And when you embraced me, I laughed. The moon was out, and I saw through its filtered light every shred of hatred that had left your eyes. And even now, as I lie in wait to see you again, I laugh at the moon still.

They caught me again, you see. And when I'd laugh, they'd point and go see? I told you he'd be back. He is crazy, he is!

This time, I know I will not escape and see you, no, not in this lifetime. So I laugh at this, and I laugh as I see the moon hating me with your hate, and I laugh as I dream, dreaming of your eyes, one now filled with pity and the other filled with a burning hatred.

And I laugh.

And I laugh.