Till Someone Comes Along Chapter 6. Don't own SM or SLY. Please R&R. Lesson today: How to make your friend believe you had a threesome...
"Usagi? USAGI!" Minako cried.
I opened my eyes slowly, and lifted my head slowly from my desk and puddle of drool. Trust her to wake me from my sleep. "What is it?"
"You were snoring louder than a hacksaw. Jeez, can't you remember that we have lunch today?" She held up my face with a hand. "Shit, hun, you look like crap! What happened?"
"Mamoru had a good time last night," I said, dropping my head down again.
"You mean...NO!" Minako gasped.
"Uh huh..." I said sleepily, half listening.
"Mamoru and-no way-"
"Sure," I said, yawning. "The hooker had a good time last night, too."
"The hook-" Minako's eyes were the size of clocks. "It was a THREESOME!"
"What are you talking about?" I asked, sitting up.
"You, Mamoru, and-a HOOKER!" Minako screeched.
"No!" I nearly groaned. "Mamoru and a hooker, not me included! I couldn't sleep because of their 'moans of passion'!" I ended sarcastically.
"Oh...OH! Phew, what a relief!" Minako said, wiping her brow. I looked at her, worried and confused.
"What are you doing in my office?" I asked.
She groaned. "Let's go to lunch." she said. "Maybe food is your cure. It always is."
I hit her on the arm, and she pulled me out the office door, on our way to lunch.
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"See? This is the missing link! I'm the old cow!" I said, shoving the newspaper article under Minako's nose.
"You're a what?" she said, playing with the red bow in her hair.
"Okay, remember when we were on the train, and we saw the graffiti that we laughed at?"
"Baby you're one out of sight freaky chick?" Minako asked.
"No, that was just weird, but it was, 'I'm tired of fucking that girl all night.' We thought there might be some truth in it, some way to get into their mind."
"Right, I remember," Minako said.
"Well, the New Cow Theory and 'I'm tired of fucking the same girl all the time'-same thing! This is why men are commitment-phobic, because we are old cows! They're tired of us, and we, to them, are already serviced. They've already performed the sex act with us, and all we can do now is make them children! Of course, male men can't risk that!"
"That's great, Usagi, but-"
"This explains everything. Cows to men, men to cows, it's better than comparing them to apes."
"Usagi, I-"
"And with this, I-"
"I don't understand Usagi!" Minako cried out. "I mean, when you're in love, men are worthy of god-like fame, but when they dump you, they're pity-less worthless, commitment phobic assholes who have nothing better to do than put you down-I mean, I'm sorry Usagi, but who the fuck cares about your sex life?"
The way Minako had said that sent the wheels in my head spinning. I put two and two together, and... "You're in LOVE!"
Minako nodded sheepishly. "I'm almost in love."
"Bitch! Why didn't you tell me before?" I cried.
"Well, you were having a legitimately good rant - I didn't want to spoil your good time."
"Hun, you should have told me anyway! So, who is he? Spill!" I cried.
"His name is Ryogi, and we met at a work party, and..." she made symbols of hearts in midair with her hands, and we both giggled as if we were back in high school. I could just see anime hearts in her eyes. As happy as I was for Minako, I was a little put out that she could recover from a broken heart(if she had one to begin with), and I was stuck with Macho Man, who had to prove how good his dick was by screwing and fucking every girl in the whole province; who kept hookers in his room; who moaned so loud that I couldn't get any work done, which was awful on deadlines. But, now that I was armed with my New Cow Theory, ready for new information, and kicking a little ass. I felt like a superhero. Couldn't you just hear those trumpets playing 'Charge'?
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Online, I looked for weeks about male behavior patterns, and how they can't commit. I even looked up more information about the article, and found the farm that the scientists went to to perform the experiment. The farmer had 187 cows - only one had 'balls' he so kindly put it- because the male could 'knock up the whole herd'. Then, when the male had done his work, the farmer had to switch it with another cow at another farm, otherwise the male was useless.
"Jeez, sounds just like men," I muttered.
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I went to the bookstore and spent a ton of money on books such as:
The Ex-Files (An examination of people's heartaches and sorrow in situations like mine)
Mika (Story of someone's obsession about men, but I think someone above might have been mocking me...)
Dictionary of Little Known Things (I had heard of an organ that connects smell to memory)
Reviving Ophelia (Book about teenage girls and their problems, such as romance. I might as well save them when they're young)
Sailor Moon (What is the deal with her Tuxedo Kamen obsession?)
Rainbow Boys (About teenage boys who are gay. Hey, I can learn from that)
And I walked out the door proudly.
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Mamoru opened the (finally) fixed door, and looked at me. "What have you been up to?"
My bed was cluttered with books upon books, notebooks, papers, and a whole big mess. It has spilled onto the floor, so everything was a huge mess. You had to wade your way through it.
"Oh, nothing'." I said, nonchalantly., opening the book I was looking at, until I felt it being snatched from my hand.
"Hey! HEY! Mamoru! Give it back!" I cried. I ran at him, but he held my head away as I swung at him. I tried to kick, but he stood at a slant so I couldn't get him.
"Amygdala, a.k.a. erotic nose brain." he read, laughing. He threw me off and ran around the room as I tried to get my book. "Connects scents to parts of the brain that hold specific memorances. Hermaphroditus!" he said, laughing. "In Greek legend, son of Hermes and Aphrodite!" He jumped on my bed and onto the other side of the room. "While bathing, became untied in one body with the nymph Salmacis...keeping both body parts?" He looked at the book, then looked at me. "I worry about you, Usagi. I really, really do."
I gave him a look like I didn't care, and he threw the book back at me. He walked out the door, shaking his head. As he closed the door, I flopped on top of the piles of books and papers. Okay, so I had an obsession, but I knew this was one I needed to get down.
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I went to a newsstand and grabbed a few magazines, such as 'Archaeological Digest'. I was flipping through it, looking at the articles about Neanderthals, when another magazine caught my eye. I put my magazines on the counter, turned around, and grabbed the issue of 'Playboy'.
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I'll admit there were times I wished I hadn't started this. I walked in the elevator, and saw a whole crowd walk in behind me, including Motoki. I could smell his scent all the way where I was, although it was very faint. It was the same scent that was taking over me, that had taken over me. It was intoxicating, and just washed over me like the time my cousin pushed me down in the ocean. I nearly drowned. It was like I was drowning in the memory of Motoki. So, being so intoxicated, I moved, taking a step, and pausing, another step, another pause, moved behind him, pushing some guys out of the way, and stopped. I could see those guys looking at me like I was crazy. But Motoki smelled so good. I smelled the aroma with my eyes closed, letting it settle around me and wrap me in its comforting sweetness. I stood there for the longest time, remembering when we were happy, the first time we kissed, the karaoke bar, the ring (I had donated to charity), the first time he said he loved me...
I opened my eyes to find the elevator deserted, and the doors closing on my floor. "Wait!" I cried.
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I walked into the office, and went up to the receptionist. "Tsukino appointment, 3:30?" I said uncertainly.
The receptionist smiled. "Doctor Hisue will be with you in a few moments."
Sure enough, my name was called, and I went to the doctor's office. It was nicely decorated, with big plush chairs and medical pictures, and a few face models.
"Welcome, Usagi." I looked up to see a very friendly looking old man with white hair, a white beard, and a big smile. I liked him right away. "What brings to my office?"
"Hello, Doctor Hisue. I'm fine, I just have a proposition for you."
He looked confused for a second, but asked me to take a seat.
"Now then, what is it you want?"
"I'd like to have my amygdala extracted." I said bravely.
"Your what?"
"My amygdala." I said. "You know, the organ deep inside the nasal cavity which processes scent, which then leads to memory? I'd like to have it removed."
The doctor stared at me. "I'll donate it to science." I said quickly.
"Why would you want to voluntarily make yourself anosmatic?" he asked me.
This is the part that I think scared him.
"Well, you see, I had this boyfriend. And he smelled really, really good."
The doctor smiled, as if this were cute.
"He smelled of...vanilla, and mint, and this really good cologne, and warm summer days, and I work with him, so I smell these scents all the time. Plus, he left some shirts in my closet. And, whenever I smell any of these scents, I'm reminded of how happy I was-happy we were, until he told me to move in with him, and I caught him with my best friend, after I was trying to be a good best friend and surprise her for lunch, and he was there, and just changed his name to get laid with her, and how he was just cheating on me and changing his name so he could meet people I knew and possibly knew, all so he could get laid, and now I live with Mamoru, a conceited chauvinist, and now I'm sad. I smell any of these scents, even those scented candles I like, I fall into a relapse of depression, and I can't do anything about it. I mean, ever burning his shirts in the fireplace and donating those to charity didn't even help, and I want to be happy again, so I was thinking, Doctor Hisue, if I could just have my erotic nose brain removed, I could finally live a normal life since this all started, and get my favorite candles again. I just want to be allowed this little chance at real life again."
The doctor couldn't help but stare. "Why don't I give you the number of Doctor Shuzuke? She does wonders with this kind of thing."
Great. I'm trying to analyze things, and I'm going to have some ass say, "You're deranged. Hand over your wallet please." It's a great way to mug someone without carrying a gun-become a psychiatrist.
So I didn't get my erotic nose brain removed. But I COULD always douse Motoki in some nasty smelling stuff. Then I'd be happy. I think.
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"So, he seems a little off when he gets back from London, but I'm thinking, hey, he's just tired from all of the traveling and moving about, but then he tells me the whole LA thing isn't such a great idea because he'll be working the whole time, and I'll probably never see him the whole time, so I'm still thinking, no big deal, it's no big deal, right?" Minako cried tearfully. She'd been crying for over an hour before I arrived. She shook her tearstained, swollen head. "Wrong. Absolutely fucking wrong! I just called his hotel room to say goodnight, and guess who answered the phone 1AM LA time?"
I shrugged.
"Angelina Farrel."
"Who's Angelina Farrel?" I asked.
"I don't know, but that's what she said when I asked, 'Who the fuck is this?'!" she said, grabbing her cigarettes.
"Oh, Minako, I'm sorry." I said.
"I DON'T FUCKING GET IT!" she screamed throwing her hands in the air, cigarettes clenched tightly in her fist. "I mean, why feed me all that romantic shit, if he's just gonna-gonna fucking cheat on me!" She stuck a cigarette in her mouth.
"Two words: copulatory imperative." I said.
"Excuse me?" she said, stopping the flicking of her lighter and looking at me intently.
"Copulatory imperative-the biological urge for men to fertilize."
"Fertilize! What, do they want to start a fucking garden!" Minako cried. She threw down the cigarettes and lighter, and grabbed two pieces of Nicorete gum lying on the table. She threw them into her mouth and chewed away furiously. I was afraid she'd either choke or spit them out on me. "Of fucking Cabbage Patch Kids!"
"Calm down!" I cried.
"Well, you're not making any sense!" she screamed. "Do they just want to knock me up to spread their damn seeds!"
I nodded. "The truth is, less than five percent of men are monogamous-"
"Why?" Minako cried.
"I don't know. You quit smoking?"
"Huh? Oh, not now. Let's get back to that impulse thingy-copper dealy."
"Copulatory imperative. So, about 4.67 percent of all males are monogamous, which leaves the other ninety-five percent-"
"Fertilizing Angelina Farrel?" Minako completed sadly.
I nodded. She collapsed in my lap and started to cry. All I could do was hold her as she sobbed uncontrollably.
"I hate it! I hate it!" she cried.
"You know, the only animal I know that mates for life is the wolf. Birds don't count, but wolves do, right?" I ventured.
She shook her head furiously.
To tell the truth, I agreed completely with Minako. I hated how men screwed every woman that passed by. I hated how they took advantage of a girl with her dreams of charms and romance. This time, I wasn't going to give up. For love and justice, I was going to fight in the name of the moon (since that seems to be the most romantic thing), and use everything I've used to kill the male race. Every single fucking thing. But how?
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End of Chapter 6. Chapter 7 is up right now.
EternalSenshi