Title: ALONE
Disclaimer: Sadly, not mine. I'm just building castles in their (Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions) sandbox!
Summary: Sam's POV. in the absence of someone...
-
"Sam?"
Daniel is hovering half in, half out of my doorway waving a file in his hands, eyebrows raised. I remember I used to smile at this sight.
"Yes, Daniel?" I sigh and bow my head, back to lab work.
"The General wants us for a briefing," he tells me. I already know this; I just don't want to go. He knows both of these facts, which is why he's here.
"I'll catch up, Daniel," I say pretending to be engrossed in the lump of twisted metal and LED's before me.
"Sam-"
"Daniel."
"Fine," he sighs and I feel disproving eyes on me before he disappears.
He knows I'll go. I know I'll go. Everyone knows I don't want to. I don't want to do anything anymore, eat sleep, work … live! I feel an amused burst of air break from my nostrils. Since when does Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter not want to live?
If only it was that simple, if only I could stop the hurt just like that. I won't do it… not yet anyway. Those words always cause a little flutter of hope to bubble up only to be quickly replaced by the pressure on my chest, a curdling in my stomach and tightness in my throat as I feel the tears behind my eyes.
I take a shuddering breath, demanding that I not let them free. I can't say I'd stop. Another sigh and I glance over to the file I should be on my way to the briefing with. It's resting not far from the framed picture of a BBQ at Jack's place this summer, about five months ago now. We were all so happy … so happy. The pressure returns and I cough it away hastily. I look away as I realise that winter is set so deeply around me, without him.
My phone rings.
"Carter?"
"He's getting cranky," Daniel says, concerned. The concern I very much doubt is for the General.
I clear my throat, "I'm coming." I hang up before I say something else. I lift the file and stand, my eyes drifting back to the picture.
You look so carefree, Jack.
God, the tears are brimming, they came so fast I'm only aware of the pain in my body in a single, horrible blow as I feel wetness tickle my cheek. I wipe it away and sniff as I blink back the tears. Maybe I should get rid of it; this isn't the first time I've done this.
Stop being such a baby, Carter.
I can almost hear your voice aloud.
Almost…
Better get to that briefing. Stepping into the hallway I feel coldness enter my bones. Sometimes I forget my lab is nicely overheated.
Do you know its winter? Probably not. It's snowing outside. Remember that snowball fight you started last year? Poor Teal'c, he never saw it coming. You can be such an ass sometimes, Jack.
"Colonel Carter, nice of you to join us."
My glare is nicely hidden as I nod and slip into my seat, Daniel pursing his lips at me and Teal'c raising that infuriating eyebrow at me. The briefing babble begins and my only input is something you wouldn't appreciate.
I'm getting a strange look from the General as I smile to myself – since when were all my thoughts addressed to you, Jack? I never even noticed it happening.
Maybe you're going nuts, Carter.
It's a distinct possibility.
Daniel is looking at me with those eyes, you know, with that look he used to reserve just for you? I want to giggle, but that would only spur him to voice that look. No giggling, or face the wrath of Daniel Jackson. It used to amuse me when you two would play this role over and over. Now I know why you used to snap at him and walk away.
He's doing good though, Jack. He misses you. But he's good. He's been spurred to learn the guitar by something… or someone. He's awful, but I'm glad to hear the tuneless strumming that floats from his lab. Presently, as the meeting closes and we're being told to suit-up for a mission he's giving Teal'c a look. Something to do with me, I guess as Teal'c's big brown eyes slide slowly to me.
They're always plotting against me these days. I wonder when they'll figure out that it's futile. I think Teal'c already has, although he goes along with Daniel if only not to disillusion him. Teal'c is doing good too. I envy his ability to overcome his emotions. Maybe I should meditate with him sometime.
Sighing I leave the briefing room after them, wondering what argument they'll start with me later. The General is behind me, I can feel him. I shiver; I really don't like this man.
"Everything ok, Colonel?"
"Yes, sir."
"Sure?"
I nod, "Sir."
He takes a long look at me and sighs, almost sadly and I wonder what it was for … he obviously doesn't believe me. He's, arguably, not stupid, but he's never voiced his concerns nor reveals any reaction to them.
"Good luck," he says, walking off.
I shiver again, feeling the cold once more. I really don't like that man. He's just not you, Jack.
He's your CO, Carter.
And so were you, Jack. But you were still my friend, you smiled at me, you joked on missions with me ... Jack, where are you?
"You are not ready, Colonel Carter." Teal'c. Dressed in BDU's and ready. A step … Daniel, also ready.
"Five minutes, I'll meet you in the Gate Room." Teal'c tilts his head and goes on out. Daniel stares at me a moment, looks away with an unreadable look in his eyes and follows Teal'c.
A few minutes and I'm prepped. As I close my locker door I catch my reflection.
You finally cut your hair.
Yeah, never liked it long, you know.
I did.
I know.
I let it grow once. For you.
Once.
I love you, Jack.
Better get going, this planet won't explore itself and Daniel is pretty hyped up about some 'rocks' as you'd call them.
"Ready?" Daniel inquires as I step beside them at the foot of the Stargate and I can't help but wonder if there was a little hint of sarcasm in there. Damn you for teaching that particular form of wit to him, Jack.
"SG1 … you have a go."
There goes that shiver again.
-
I'm laughing. Daniel made a joke. I didn't find it particularly funny, but I laughed anyway. Because that's what I'm supposed to do. It's what I used to do.
God, Jack, I'm so alone.
You're getting emotional, Carter…
It's about time.
"Sam?" I turn to look at Daniel, bobbing my weapon in my grasp. He eyes it momentarily and I wonder why. My eyebrows rise in question.
"I asked if you were ready to go into the temple," he repeats. Not doing such a good job at doing what I'm supposed to. I nod and he gets that gaze again, the one I can't place. Perhaps sarcasm will follow. "Keep your eyes open, I get a weird feeling from this place."
My eyes widen at his back as I fall into step behind him. I guess I'm getting more than that look you used to – I'm now getting a little resentment too. Only problem is, this isn't the sort of resentment he threw your way, is it?
Suddenly shy? Isn't this the part where you tell me that my team are beginning to feel detached from me? Not even a lecture about being a good friend? No …
"I will stay out here and keep watch," Teal'c says and I realise I should have ordered him to do just that already. I nod with a furrowed brow and head in to see what trouble Daniel is getting himself into.
"Anything exciting?"
"What?" His head flies up from his crouched position facing a wall, his fingers idly tracing the writings on it. "Not yet…" His attention fades off again and I sigh as I take a look around.
Isn't this what you used to do? Look bored while Daniel and I got engrossed in our surroundings.
Harsh…
Just being nostalgic.
"This is fascinating…" My eyes find Daniel and I smile as that twinkle flashes in his eyes as he starts to make sense of the markings in front of him. His fingers are trailing patterns delicately, almost with reverence.
Feeling an itch for being engrossed, Carter?
Not today, Jack. I'm just glad he can still feel it. Look at hi-
Startled, my body whips to the side to see a pedestal light up to my right, then to Daniel. He's done something, Jack, and by the look on his face he hasn't a clue what he's done. The light is intensifying. Maybe I shouldn't have specified this as 'trouble' before. My bad. I divide glances between it and Daniel and I don't know how but I don't think this is-
"Sam!"
Well, this hurts. If whatever just blasted me from that pedestal didn't hit me with enough to make me pass out then the crushed bones courtesy of the contact with the wall certainly will.
"Sam?" He's hovering above me. Something in me is glad he's not hurt and that I got in front of it in time before it hit him and the other half wants him to know how much this hurts.
His head disappears from my view of the ceiling for a moment. "Teal'c, we need to get her back now!" His concerned face is back. "It's ok Sam, we're gonna get you home."
I pass out as I feel large hands around me and the next thing I know I'm on Teal'c's shoulders as Daniel dials the gate. "Hold on, Colonel Carter," he says to me.
What if I don't want to?
Carter…
I'm so alone, Jack.
You're not alone, goddamn it!
If only you weren't saying that in my imagination, Jack.
I see the ceiling of the Gate Room. I'm still here, unfortunately. Teal'c is laying me down on the ramp and I hear feet, running.
"Get a medical team now! What the hell happened!"
The General. Sounds angry. I wish I had the energy to smile. Daniel fills him in and then suddenly his face is level with mine as he kneels down beside me. I close my eyes.
"Carter…" Something sounds different in his voice.
"Sir." I open my eyes with effort.
"You'll be ok," he states matter-of-factly. Wish I could agree with you, sir.
I find myself wondering if I said that out loud as his eyes shine differently and I feel his fingers curl around my hand, feeling the slick gumminess of my own blood against his skin as he squeezes it. I gaze at him with a confused expression and before I could even question this, a medical team is ushering him away and all I can feel before the blackness takes me is his hand… slipping away.
I'm so alone, Jack.
-
You're not alone, Sam.
Jack.
So I'm still here.
My eyes are stinging, my nostrils are being assaulted with… ugh… I'm in the infirmary.
"Hey." My eyes aren't fighting anymore and then open to a hazy view of the General.
"Sir?" I rasp. He smiles a… wonderful smile.
"Thought we'd lost you for a while," he says with warmth.
"Yeah…" It's all I can say. This is very strange.
"Well," he begins, losing some sort of a moment I'm not really sure was there. My imagination, perhaps. His lips purse in a smile and he lifts his eyebrows. "I'll leave you to rest." His head bows and he looks nervous and for the life of me … is that tears in his eyes? "See you soon, Carter." He's hiding his face now. "Maybe tomorrow I'll swing by with some blue jell-O. Don't tell Doc."
My chest feels a pressure …
"Jack?"
He freezes and stays there a moment with his back to me, then turns his head with a watery smile.
"You're not alone, Sam," he says and walks out.
My heart is beating wildly. Did I finally find you?
As I get no answer, I begin to believe that maybe inside General O'Neill; Jack has been there all along.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm really not alone after all…