I'm not afraid to go backwards and fix what we broke

My gaze falls behind, you make desire seem so easy

I hold off sleep, it's so silent without you here

Don't give up now, it would all be for nothing

I can't even begin to explain what a mess my life is right now.

I just got called out of class to go to the Principal's office. With my experience, that's never a good thing. I know what I'm there for. I don't even have to see Spinner's face glaring at me from over his shoulder to know. Great. As if my life wasn't screwed up enough. Spinner and I had gotten completely drunk the night before, I can't believe I even helped him out. He had told everyone what really happened, and then I went to go help him. And now, I'm here. That's what you get for trying to be a good friend, I guess.

Friend? Whatever. We were just two lost people going in the same direction. I saw myself in him, and after losing Alex, I needed that. After losing Emma, I really needed that.

Emma. I can't forget about my exchange with her this morning as well. If you can even call it that. She can't even talk to me anymore. I ruined everything. I just want so badly for her to see me for who I really am, then maybe things would be different. She's everything I never had. Seeing her always made me feel like I was catching a rarity, and I always felt like my heart was in my mouth. I began to get used to that feeling, and Emma just snatched it away as quick as it came. I hate her. I hate that she's done this to me. She's made herself completely elusive and I can't stand being away from her anymore.

I can't say what it was the very first time I saw her. I knew she was the only one. Times were different then. The thought of that scared me. So, I did what any confused and lost boy completely head over heels for Emma Nelson would do, I made fun of her. I made fun of her and I chastised her and I made her hate me. That worked for a while. It really did. I made her life miserable, and I, in turn, felt completely better about the whole situation. That only lasted for so long, though. I guess it's never too long before Emma Nelson puts her spell over you, and you're left with nothing but your heart in your hands. Helpless. Hopeless.

"Mr. Hogart, Ms. Hatzilakos will see you now," that stupid secretary who's name I couldn't remember for the life of me said. I shuffled around in my chair for a few seconds before getting up and walking into Mrs. H's office.

"Mr. Hogart, glad you could join us," she stated as I closed the door behind me, "Take a seat next to Mr. Mason." I obeyed, but I didn't look at Spinner. I couldn't look at him without wanting to punch him down to the ground.

I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn't look at her. I couldn't look at her. I can't stand people looking at me like I'm guilty, even though, in most cases, I usually am. I just hate that. "Now, Mr. Hogart, Mr. Mason has explained to me that you were a part of the paint and feathers attack on Rick Murray, which ultimately resulted in his death and paralyzing Jimmy. Is that true?"

I took a deep breath. There was no sense in lying now. I wondered if Spinner had told her that Alex was the one who actually did it. There was no sense in telling her. I had always learned that the less words you say, the better. "Yes," I whispered, still not looking at her.

"What, Mr. Hogart? I couldn't exactly hear you." Finally, I looked up at her and met her condesending eyes. "Yes. I helped." She nodded slowly, before grabbing the telephone. "I see. I'm going to notify your parents, and in the meantime, I've already informed Mr. Mason here, you all are going to pack your things and leave. You two are expelled from this school."

Expelled. Which means, not coming back. Ever. I had to get the hell out of there. I had nothing to pack, it's not like I would bring anything to this hellhole. I knew Spinner would want to talk to me, so I ran out of the room before he had the chance. I turned around for a minute, glancing at the office and saw Spinner with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. Crying. For a minute, I felt sorry for him. I guess we weren't as alike as I thought we were. Oh well. I just knew one thing, I couldn't stay here.

I believe in second chances

I believe in the years forget

When I got to my house, no one was home. Figures. No one is ever home. My mom was working, and who knows where the hell my Dad was. He's never here. I just knew one thing, I had to be out of there before anyone came home.

I went into my mom's room and pulled her luggage out of the closet. I didn't feel bad about taking it, because it's not like we ever go anywhere. I brought the suitcase into my room and starting throwing clothes in it, I didn't even look to see what I was taking. It didn't matter. I'd make do with what I had. My dad taught me how to survive without anyone. I wasn't afraid of being by myself, being on my own. It actually felt pretty liberating.

Then, the doorbell rang. I didn't know who it was, it couldn't be my parents, they both had doorkey's. Not that my Dad ever used his, but that's another story. I looked around my room for a moment and noticed all the clothes thrown everywhere, and I laughed. I really laughed for the first time all day. I couldn't believe I was actually going to do this. I brought the suitcase out to the living room walked to the door, still laughing. I opened it up, completely prepared to tell whoever was standing on the other side to go the hell home.

But, that was before I saw that it was Emma Nelson standing at my door.

Let me fill these empty spaces

Better late than never, stay forever

Let me fill this empty space

There's always room for one more mistake

"Hi," she said, looking up at me, "Um, I heard about what happened."

I couldn't speak. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what she was doing here. At my door. In front of me. I couldn't get over this overwhelming urge to kiss her. Instead of doing that, I stepped back so she could walk in and closed the door behind her. Emma Nelson was in my house.

She looked around for a moment, probably thinking to herself how messy the place was. "So, this is where you live," she said. Bingo.

I ran a hand through my hair, "What are you doing here?" I had to know. Girls like Emma Nelson just don't come to houses like mine for no reason. She tilted her head to look at me and whispered, "I told you I heard about what happened. I just wanted to see how you were."

I laughed, and not because anything was funny, just out of the sheer insanity that I was staring at Emma Nelson at a time like this. "You heard about what happened? I can guarentee you didn't hear all of what happened, or else you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be anywhere near me."

She nodded, walking a little closer to me, "I know what happened. Jay, it wasn't your fault..." she started, before trailing off and looking down at the ground. I looked at her like she had just grown three heads, "What are you talking about? What do you mean it wasn't my fault?" Even though the fact that she was saying that was crazy, it was nice to hear that someone thought that something wasn't my fault for once. Especially when it was coming out of Emma's mouth.

She shook her head wildly, "Nothing. Forget I said anything," she turned her back to me, "Maybe, maybe, this was a bad idea." Her eyes must have caught sight of the suitcase, because her next words were, "What's with the suitcase?"

Can you feel that

I think we're moving in the right direction

I was someone else then

I'd take it back if you would let me

I bit my lip and shook my head, walking around her and over to the suitcase, "I'm getting the hell out of here," I said, patting the luggage lightly. She looked at me like I was crazy. "What? You can't just leave! You're just leaving?"

I nodded, "Why not? I can't stay here. Why, do you want to come, or something?" I couldn't believe I had said that, but once the words were out of my mouth, I couldn't take them back. She looked at the suitcase and then back at me, her eyes widening, "You want me to come with you? Are you crazy?" I looked down at the ground and she must have felt bad, because she bit her lip and lowered her tone of voice, "Where are you going?"

I shrugged, "I don't even know. Look, I know it sounds crazy, but you can't be happy here. We could start over and be completely different people. No one would know us. Come on, Em... think about it," I pleaded with her. I couldn't believe I was trying to convince her to come with me. But, the more I said it, the more it didn't seem like such a bad idea.

"But, my family ..." she started, biting her lip and looking at the wall. She was seriously considering it. "Your family who can't even look at you right now because of what happened. Emma, I know it'll be tough, I'm not saying it'll be easy. But, we can get through it together. I won't let anything happen to you. I know I've let you down before, but please, let me make it better." I looked at her for a moment before whispering, "Let me make it better."

She looked at me for a moment before nodding slowly with a worn expression on her face, she was tired of fighting. She was tired of the stares and the looks. She didn't want to be known as the Emma Nelson she is now. I could see it in her eyes. "Tonight," she started slowly, "If you can come and tap on my window tonight, when you're ready to leave.. I'll have everything packed. And we'll go. Together." I smiled and nodded, "I can do that."

She looked at me for a minute and smiled slightly before turning away and walking out of the door as quickly as she had walked into my life.

And for some reason, with all the mess that was my life, I still couldn't stop smiling.

We were never this close when we were young

Every night, I whisper your name at the top of my lungs