close my eyes
let the whole thing pass me by
there is no time to waste asking why
I sat, silent, in my room for hours after I got home that afternoon. I looked around at my bags on the floor and wanted to take back everything that had happened that day. I wished that Jay wouldn't have tried to talk to me this morning, I wished that he hadn't of gotten expelled and that I wouldn't have went to his house and that I wouldn't have told him that I would go with him. I couldn't believe I had said that I would go with him.
I couldn't look at my parents at dinner. I couldn't say anything to them, either. What was I supposed to say? "Well, um, thanks for dinner, I hope you have a nice life!" Sometimes, no words are better than any words at all. I love my parents, I really love them. But, this is something that I just had to do. For some reason, I knew that there was no turning back. This was it. This was my chance at a new beginning, a new life. Hell, I needed this and I didn't want anyone trying to take it away from me.
But, when Jay knocked on my window just like he said he would, it didn't make it any less hard to leave. I looked up at him through the window and bit my lip as he waved at me. We were really doing this. I walked over to the window and opened it up, before walking back to the bed and sitting on it, not looking at him as he climbed into my room.
i think about your face
and how i fall into your eyes
the outline that i trace
around the one that i call mine
time that called for space
unclear where you drew the line
i don't need to solve this case
and i don't need to look behind
He said my name as he closed the window behind him, "Emma.." he started, and it was rushed and quiet, like we had no time for anything. I had no time to sit and think about what I was about to do. Even though that's all I had been doing for the past four hours. He kept talking and after the window was closed, he turned around to face me and he must have noticed that I was about to cry because he stopped talking and walked
over to me and shoved his hands in his pockets, staring at me expectantly.
It became obvious to me that he's never known what to do with girls. With girls like me, anyway. He's six feet, and if I stood on my tip-toes, I could look him straight in the eye. He's got one of those in-between voices that lets him down sometimes, he never sounds completely sincere or completely intimidating so you never know what to expect from him. He didn't know what to expect from me, either and when the tears started falling down my cheeks, I didn't know what to expect from myself.
"I'll be fine, I just need a minute," I said reassuringly, wiping my cheeks hastily. He bit his lip as he watched me and he eyed the space next to me as if he wanted to sit down, and I nodded. He sat down next to me without a word and took his hands out of his pockets and placed them in his lap. Suddenly, he seemed all too innocent and shy to be Jay Hogart and it scared me. He was supposed to be the strong one. He's supposed to be the one yelling at me to suck it up and get a move on, he was supposed to be the one carrying me through this. Why wasn't he carrying me through this?
do i expect to change the past i hold inside?
with all the words i say
repeating over in my mind
some things you can't erase
no matter how hard you try
an exit to escape
is all there is left to find
"You don't have to do this, you know," he began, and I knew he was choosing his words carefully. "I just thought that you might want to get away..like me," he finally looked at me, "with me." I looked down at my hands and breathed in deeply, trying not to start crying again, "I do. It's just, it's just hard, you know? Leaving my family, starting over. I don't think it's as easy as you want it to be." I finally looked over at him and he looked hurt. Almost ashamed. And I felt guilty. "Jay..." I started.
"Maybe..maybe you're right. This is a bad idea. I should have never asked you," he stood up quickly and I grabbed his hand. I was already in too deep for this to stop now. He gasped when I took his hand and I dropped it, before biting my lip and standing up to face him. "Jay, I want to do this. I need to do this. But, you have to help me. You have to make me leave. But first, you have to give me a minute." He nodded quickly, as if he didn't know what else to say or was still catching his breath at the feeling of my hand in his, but that was the last thing on my mind. I took a minute to collect myself before walking to my nightstand and picking up a folded piece of paper, "I wrote them a note, you know. I didn't want them to think something horrible happened," I explained, as I placed the note on my pillow.
"What did you say in it?" he asked as he watched me. I shrugged, "To tell you the truth, I don't even remember. I was so rushed and I couldn't stop crying when I wrote it. I'm afraid to open it up and read it because it's going to remind me of what I'm leaving behind." He nodded slowly and looked down at the ground, not knowing what to say. I didn't blame him, what were we supposed to say? Here I was, trying to make light conversation when we have the rest of our lives ahead of us and not a clue what's going to happen. It was scary, but I knew what I had to do. I looked around at my bags on the floor and nodded to myself, I was ready to do this.
I walked over and grabbed my one bag and pointed to the other one, "Can you get that for me, Jay? I think I'm ready." He nodded, still seemingly distracted by something and I wasn't sure what. I still didn't know why he wasn't more sure about this. Wasn't this his idea in the first place? His demeanor scared me and when we walked over to the window, I grabbed his arm. "Are you sure about this?" I asked him, "No turning back?"
He looked into my eyes for a minute, as if he was searching for something that I didn't know about, and he must have found what he was looking for because he nodded, "Yes. No turning back."
And when we both climbed out the window that night, I didn't.
i'll run away with you by my side
there is no time
let this whole thing pass me by
i need to let go of this pride
until this echo in my mind
until this echo can subside