i'll be the grapes fermented

bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit

like a gentleman

i'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick

where you will sit and contemplate your day

I couldn't believe it. We were actually doing this. We were actually leaving, Emma Nelson and I. We were getting the hell out of this place and starting over, for real. It wasn't just talk anymore. With my hands gripping onto the steering wheel, everything seemed to make sense.

I'm not sure what got into me when I went to go get her. I couldn't speak when I saw how upset she was and I know she just wanted me to help her suck it up so we could leave, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it. And then, she touched my hand .. but, no. That's not what this is about. I didn't want her to make a mistake and then have something else to blame me for. I'm sick and tired of being blamed for everything. People need to start being responsible enough to make their own decisions and to face the consequences for them.

Ha, consequences. Sure, they need to face the consequences. Just like I'm facing the consequences. By running away. Smart one, Jay. Real smart.

But, all I had to do was look over at Emma and I didn't feel so bad about the way things seemed to be going. She had this weird look on her face, half-excited, half-miserable. I didn't know what to make of it. But, I figured it was normal. I mean, we had just left home. She kept on talking and I wasn't sure what she was talking about.

"..We'll figure out something." That's all I heard. What were we figuring out? I don't know about her, but I didn't have a damn thing figured out and at that moment, I didn't even care. It didn't matter. I've never been one for planning things.

Emma was though. Her voice sounded tired. She was tired. But, she still had this sing-song way of speaking that made you feel like you were floating. She always sounded like she could tell you anything you wanted to know. Emma Nelson always had an answer for everything. Maybe that was part of the reason I asked her to come along. There's no way I'd be able to do this by myself.

"Jay, what are we going to do?" she asked, quietly. She must have known that I hadn't been listening to a word she had said in the past few minutes. I shrugged, taking my eyes off the road for a moment to gaze at her, "I don't know." With this new start, came a new me. I was going to start being honest. "Honestly, Emma, I don't know, but, does it matter?"

Emma sighed softly and looked out the window, like she was unable to fix her eyes on me. "Jay, I'm scared," she said, louder than the first time she spoke, in a throaty tone, like she could barely get the words out.

I didn't know what to say. I was scared, too. She knew that I was. If there was one thing that Emma Nelson could always do, it was being able to see right through me. She always knew things, even before I did. I was resentful of that for a long time, but I learned to get used to it. I even learned to use it to my advantage. Yes, I was getting quite used to having Emma Nelson around.

I bit my lip for a moment, taking note that we weren't yet outside of the city, "Do you mind if I show you something?" It wasn't much, but it was all I had to offer. She lifted her head up slowly and looked at me curiously, saying, "You're the one driving. Sure." I nodded slowly and turned the car around, and we drove in sweet silence to my favorite place.

There's this place at the top of a hill that my Dad used to take me to when I was younger and before he cared about alcohol more than he cared about me. We'd sit up there for hours and just look up at the sky and look out at the city and just be together and it's those days that I miss the most. If not for Emma, I needed to go there one more time. It was my way of saying goodbye to him. Or the image I had of him. Or of myself.

i'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning

in an open tab when your judgement is on the brink

i'll be the the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back

as you're lying there drifting off to sleep

i'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity has done to you

you won't have to strain to look into my eyes

i'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat

with the collar up, so you won't catch cold

When we got to the top of the hill, I noticed Emma starting to become more alert, like she was afraid. I turned the car off and turned to look at her, "You don't have to be afraid. Just because it's dark doesn't mean that something bad is going to happen. Just, get out of the car, I want to show you something." She looked at me for a moment before nodding slowly and opening the car door and stepping out. I got out after her and closed my car door, before taking a moment to look around at a place that I hadn't been to in years, but had become so etched in my memory and mind.

I looked over at Emma and I could see her doing the same thing. The lights from the city illuminated off of her face and I knew that I had never seen anyone as beautiful as she was. She must have caught me staring because she looked over at me and blushed before shaking her head quickly, "What is this place?"

I smiled slightly and walked over to her, taking her arm and leading her up to the edge of the hill. "My dad used to take me here when I was younger. I haven't been up here in years, but I always have had good memories and experiences up here. I thought you might want to remember this place the best way possible. I know it's not much, but it's really all I had growing up." She looked up at me for a moment before smiling and looking out at the city, "It's beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me."

I nodded slowly, "I kind of wanted to say goodbye to it, it's the only good thing left here. It's been so long since I've been here, though." Emma looked at me and tilted her head, "Why haven't you come back in so long?"

"It reminds me of my Dad," I said, simply. "Isn't that good though? Don't you want to remember this? The good times you had with your Dad?" she challenged. I shook my head, I wasn't about to get into an argument with her, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't uncomfortable talking about this with her. There was some things that I just didn't want her to know about me. She already thought I was messed up enough, I'm sure.

"No, because it just reminds me of how fucked up he's become and how he's messed up everything," I saw her wince when my voice got louder, and I bit my lip, instantly regretting it, "Look, let's not talk about that anymore. Let's just take a minute up here, and then we can go. I just need a minute."

She nodded slowly and looked out at the city again. She smiled. And it was a genuine smile. It was a smile that I used to see before everything got messed up. And then I knew. I knew things were going to be okay. No one could touch us now.

I watched as she twirled around on the edge of uncertainty and new beginnings. She spun around with her hands up in the air and the sound of her glorious laughter filled me until I felt like I was about to burst. The only thing I could think of is that this is what happiness must really feel like. Once Emma stopped spinning, she took a deep breath and stared out at the city that we'd soon be leaving forever one more time. She nodded slowly before turning around to face me. She turned around and she was a new person. She was glowing.

"You look invincible," I noted, grinning at her.

She smiled back, laughing, "I am."

And it was then I knew. I was falling in love with Emma Nelson.

i want to take you far from the cynics in this town

and kiss you on the mouth

we'll cut our bodies free from the tether's of this scene

start a brand new colony

we'll give ourselves new names

the sun will heat the grounds

under our bare feet in this brand new colony

everything will change