sleeping through the evening and singing dreams inside my head

i'm heading out, i've got some ins who say they care and they just might

i run away with you if things don't go as planned

planning big could be a gamble, i've already rolled the dice

After Jay's trip down memory lane, I wasn't sure what to think.

After that whole day, I wasn't sure what to think. Ever since I had known him, I had seen Jay as someone strong, sturdy, sure - not at all like myself the past couple of months. I looked up to him in a way, he had no regrets and always made no apologies, he was who he was and that was it.

Now, it seems like everything has changed. He's not that boy anymore. He's shattered, broken, different. I don't know how to help him and I don't even think I could if I tried because how can you help someone if you don't know how to help yourself. I think about that comment he made to me. "You look invincible." I felt that way, if only for just a moment. I guess we've all done a little changing. Before all of this happened, I would have taken no time in taking Jay under my wing and nursing him back to his previous self, even if I pretended to hate him for it. I did hate him. I hated him and everything he standed for but at the same time I couldn't help wanting to be more like him and then, I didn't understand it but looking back, it makes sense.

I had so many things wrong with me, that looking at other people and criticizing or hating someone for things that I didn't agree with took the light away from me and shone it on someone else. I hated people looking at me and I still do. That's why Jay's eye on me from his place in the driver's seat was making me extremely uncomfortable.

i spit and stutter, stuff and clutter, worries in my worried corner

maladjusted just untrusted, rusted, sometimes brilliant, busted thoughts

i think i'll stay for a while, i'm intriduged and i'm read as a new born white as a corpse

This is a ridiculous form of irony. Whoever thought I'd be here? Now? I think about it and I wonder if this is really what's going to make me happy. There's no turning back though, this is the path I chose and it would be anything less than cowardly to back away from it now. I'm weak, but I refuse to be scared. I refuse to let the unknown bother me, get to me. I just want to start over.

I looked over at the lonesome boy next to me as he kept his eyes ram-rod straight at the road, sneaking a few glances at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I was always looking. "Jay?" I asked, in a quiet voice, not wanting to shatter the soft silence that we had created. "Hmm?" he responded, a bit inaudiable as if there was this hidden wall between us and in that moment, I felt so close and yet so far away at the same time.

i promise not to lie, not to fuck with your mind

i promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine

i promise not to lie if i'm looking you straight in the eye

i promise not to try, not to let you down

"What are we going to do when we get there? Wherever there is, I mean," I asked a question that I had asked eighty-five times, I am sure. I just wanted to get an answer. I hated living life without answers, it was never something I was good at. Spontaneity. He sighed, knowing that he'd have to answer the question eventually. "Well, I got us a room at this hotel about another twenty miles up the road. I'm not sure what's there, so we're just going to have to look around to see what's there. After that .. I really have no idea. Emma, just ... you know, you don't have to ask so many questions."

I looked at him for a moment, biting my lip. "Is it really such a crime to know what's going to happen in my life?" I asked, my voice getting louder by the second. He shook his head and pushed his free hand to temple, rubbing two of his fingers in small circles over and over again, as if trying to push some mystery thought in and around his head. "No, Emma, it's just... Look, I don't know what's going to happen either. You're just going to have to trust me."

why do you gotta keep the fan on high when it's cold outside?

just want to let you know that i'm still a fan, get it?

everybody wants charm and a smile and a promise

but i promise not to try

I turned my head towards the window and watched the unknown world go by. I didn't answer him, and he didn't say anything more. His words rang through my head in mixed order, like my brain was trying to wrap itself around the meaning. "Trust. You're just going to have to. ME."

Trusting Jay Hogart was just something that you didn't do. He was a boy out for his own self and that was it. But, in a situation like this, all bets were off. We were in this together, I had no choice but to trust him - even if that meant putting myself out there, perhaps for the worst. What are you suppoesd to do when you have nothing left? Life really did suck sometimes.

"Jay?" I said softly, breaking the silence and turning to look towards him, "I trust you, you know? But, you have to promise me something." He looked at the road in front of him for a moment before looking at me for a split-second, "Anything."

That moment came as quickly as it left. He turned his eyes back to the road and that look in his eyes was lost. It caught me off-guard when he said that. ANYTHING. It was so unlike him. As long as I live, Jay Hogart will always be a mystery to me.

I put myself together and took a deep breath, "Just, please..don't disappoint me. I'm giving up a lot for this. I just don't want this to turn out like everything else in my life has." He bit his lip, still not looking at me, "And how has everything in your life turned out?"

I slumped back in my seat, staring at the road. "A disaster." He sighed softly and out of the corner of my eye, I saw his free hand reaching over to grab mine. When he reached me, he took my hand slowly in his and entertwined his fingers with mine; softly and innocently. Not at all like a boy with bad intentions. And to my surprise, I didn't even flinch.

"I promise."

And with all the hope in me, I believed him. And with all the hope in me, as we drove straight into our destination, I squeezed his hand. Ready for anything. Ready for it all.

i promise not to try, not to fuck with your mind

i promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine

i promise not to lie if i'm looking you straight in the eye

i promise not to try, not to, not to, not to leave