How on Earth? I spent my afternoon trying get Alan to sit still while I cut chewing gum out of his beard. For Christ's sake, he doesn't even chew gum! How on earth can he...

You know what, never mind. I don't even want to know.

I went to Olivia's bar today and the bartender told me that lil miss Lizzie "Bordon" Spaulding threatened to have him fired unless he served her a drink. Such a lovely child, isn't she? Actually, and this is getting scary, one of my kids told me a song kids are singing in the playground:

Lizzie Spaulding took an axe And gave her stepdad twenty whacks, And so proud of what she'd done She gave her unborn sister twenty one!

I don't go to Olivia's bar that often. I mean, the bartender's nice and gives good Spaulding blackmail, but I can't go in there without Brad Green trying to get into my pants. A**hole. That man is always in there, hitting on any living thing wearing a skirt-

As a matter of fact, that gives me an idea...