Every day when I wake up, I face cynicism, sarcasm, complete lack of hope and anything joyful or happy.
And that's just listening to my kid's talk about school in the morning.
Something strange happened to me today. So I'm answering Alan's telephone calls and guess who calls him? Vinnie Salerno. The head of the Mob in Springfield is calling my boss' office. Since Moron wasn't in, so I calmly explain this to Mr. 'I Can Kill You Just By Looking At You' Salerno.
"Yeah, well when he gets in tell him he better freaking call me!"
I stopped breathing.
"He'd better what?" I managed to bring myself to ask.
"I said he'd better freaking call me!"
I couldn't help it, I swear, I laughed aloud on the phone.
"What' so funny lady?" Salerno demanded.
"He's better freaking call you? What, are we in the second grade?"
"You don't like the way I talk?"
"It's not that, but, come on! I mean, my kid can swear better than that, and he's still in elementary school for heaven's sake! Use the 'f-word' What are you afraid of? Scaring off customers?"
Salerno seemed shocked: "Why on earth would I use some rude and demeaning language? I have to set an example forto my boys you know."
"You have children?" I asked curiously.
"Well, no, but the guys who work for me hang on everything I say. I have to set the standard for behavior around here."
"Really?" I asked, amazed.
"Yeah! I mean, God knows my mother—, may she rest in peace—, wouldn't let me swear in the house and I don't want any of my boys to do the same."
"Oh puh-leaze!" I laughed.
"What!?!" he demanded.
"Do you really think your guys don't say the 'f-word?'" I said, chuckling.
"As a matter of fact they don't." he said.
"Oh really?"
"Really!"
"Do you want to bet?" I asked, toying with him.
"You're on lady!" he said.
"Where are some of your boys right now?" I said.
"There are two of them right outside my club, guarding the joint."
"Alright," I said, sitting up, "go outside, only do it really quietly so they can't hear you come out. Then listen to what they're talking about. I'll bet you my secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies that they use it."
"You're on!" he yelled, and I heard him set the phone down on the desk. In the distance I heard a door open, then after a few minutes I heard yelling and a door slam.
When he came back to the phone, he sounded like he had just finished a lot of yelling.
"Well lady, you were right. I'm going to sit my boys down and have a serious discussion with them on their language and behavior. I owe you a debt of gratitude."
"No, no, I really owe you. You offered me something of yours for this little bet, now I owe you something. What do you want? Anything? Go ahead, it's yours."
"Well, since I offered a recipe..."
Tonight my kids had genuine lasagna, straight from Lucia Salerno's recipe book. Just another day in the office.