Disclaimer: 1) I own nothing of Dr'izzt or Guen or anybody. This is intended as an exercise in amusement for myself. 2) First Forgotten Realms fic. Be nice! 3) Major fluff and insanity alert. You are warned!
Dr'izzt wasn't entirely sure how he had gotten here. He wasn't sure where "here" was, either or why he was in this place.
"Here" was in front of a huge set of double wooden doors in a marble tiled hallway. Large smooth stone columns stood at regular intervals with generic wooden chairs irregularly placed around more wooden doorways. He could hear voices in various tones and volumes, but most of the words were muffled, offering him no clue of exactly what he was doing here.
"Dr'izzt Do'Urden?" a slightly built human in a two-tone grey uniform asked.
"Yes," he replied timidly.
"Could you come with me, please?" The human opened one of the two double doors and walked inside.
Dr'izzt walked nervously down the narrow central aisle, deeply conscious of the crowd of people huddled in the long, high backed benches. For a moment, he thought they were all staring at him as he passively walked up to the wooden platform indicated by the human.
The lights facing him and the long wooden stand of stern faced people blinded his sensitive lavender eyes for a moment. The rest of the room seemed unnaturally dim for a moment as the human walked up with a leather bound volume in his hands.
"Do you swear to tell the truth—the whole truth—and nothing but the truth?" the little man demanded.
"By Melikki, I do."
The human seemed momentarily speechless. Glancing around, he flushed under the faintest of titters from the observing humans. Glancing at a stern faced man wearing a black robe in a tall podium and a twelve other humans in a similarly raised set of seats, he nodded uncertainly and went to stand in a corner of the room.
"Dr'izzt Do'Urden, do you understand the charges brought against you?"
Dr'izzt blinked blankly. Thankfully his eyes were already in the visible light spectrum; otherwise he'd be in agony. "Charges, sir?"
"Yes, charges brought numerous times against you."
Dr'izzt glanced around—he couldn't pick out a single familiar face in the humans crowding around him. In despair, he glanced down—a holdover from his days with his merciless sisters and mother—and asked, "What charges?"
The man raised a single eyebrow. "You are charged with four hundred current counts of disturbing the peace and causing emotional anguish."
"Four hundred?" The dark elf could only gape.
"Four hundred, currently." The man affirmed. "We are still collecting petitions and information on the others." He shuffled papers importantly. "However, due to the unique nature of this trial, we decided to work with lots of four hundred."
Dr'izzt nodded dumbly. Where was he that he had accumulated four hundred—nay, more than four hundred—charges against him? He couldn't think.
The man—apparently a judge—muttered a bit more and settled the papers in front of him. With a glare, he asked, "Do you have anything to say as an opening remark?"
Dr'izzt glanced down again. "I—I don't know what to say."
"Very well, then, if you'll go to your seat, we'll being with the testimony."
Dr'izzt solemnly walked to the only empty seat in the entire room. His entire mind screamed for him to flee—to escape—but he didn't even know which way to run. In despair, he lightly fingered his unicorn pendant, praying for Melikki to be generous and forgiving.
The first witness, a rather ratty looking woman who identified herself only as "Marissa" and as a student of law, took the stand and was sworn in.
"Could you please describe the nature of your complaint?"
Marissa stared coolly at the judge for a moment, then sent a hot glance at Dr'izzt. "Well, like I said in my letter, I only read a little bit about him, but it's all so sad! And I really really wanted to—" Here she sent him another steaming glance before returning her attention to the judge. "—Really wanted to comfort him…" Marissa licked her lips at Dr'izzt.
The judge blushed a little but probed further. "What do you mean 'comfort him'?"
Marissa clucked her tongue, which sported a bright silver stud. "I mean comfort him!" She blushed hotly. "I mean like in bed! You know!"
The judge blushed harder. "I see."
Marissa continued. "It's all so sad about him and Cat. And like I was telling my girlfriend—Jeanne—he really needs to get laid and—!"
"Thank you young lady. I believe that we have gotten the message." The judge dismissed her gently. "And now I call Jeanne to the stand."
Jeanne, wearing black leather, a silver nose ring, and a red stripe in her short black hair, appeared and was sworn in.
The judge glanced over at her. "Could you please describe the nature of your complaint?"
"Yes, sir I can!" Jeanne snapped. "I ask you….what kind of noble guy is it that doesn't go ahead and tell Catti-Brie that he loves her? She should sock him!"
The judge frowned. "Could you please tell me what this has to do with the case at hand?"
"Well, I was reading about it all and I can tell you that I got steamed that he never—you know—takes the initiative. I really got steamed! Can you believe it? And now my roommate—Marissa—is all obsessed with him and can't stop crying about how much she'd love him if she got the chance! Boy, I'll be glad when she gets back to normal!"
Dr'izzt cringed inwardly. The small sense of foreboding grew bigger in his head.
Another name was called and a tottering little old lady took the stand.
"Could you please state the nature of your complaint against Dr'izzt Do'Urden?"
She winked and smiled sweetly. "Well, I was going to ask directions to the ladies' room, but after I saw him, I wanted to speak up." She smiled again, this time looking directly at Dr'izzt. "Honey, you are welcome any time at my house. I may not be able to twirl them fancy swords, but I have a thirty-aught-six that I'm real handy with." She thought for a moment and pulled a package out of her purse and offered it to him. "I even brought sugar cookies."
Dr'izzt smiled wanly in return. Gingerly, he eased his hand toward his pocket, where the delicately carved onyx statue of Guen rested. The uniformed man took the package of cookies and presented it to Dr'izzt.
Dr'izzt opened up the package carefully. To his amazement, unicorn shaped sugar cookies with sweet white icing spilled out into his hands.
"AWWWW!" several of the voices shouted from the back. Dr'izzt didn't look up, but heard several sets of footsteps beating a hasty retreat from the room.
"QUIET!" the judge bellowed. "I will have quiet in my courtroom!" He glared at the sweet little old lady. "Is there anything else?"
"Now, Tom, I'm sure I didn't teach you those kinds of manners in Sunday School!" she scolded gently. She primly folded her hands. "Now I really must know where is the ladies room?"
Dr'izzt nibbled on the sugar cookies, fascinated by the testimonies.
A blonde haired female in unfamiliar clothing said, "Well, I'm sure that he was unjustly treated, but I wanted him to know that I'll treat him much much better." She smiled a feline smile at him. "All he has to do is ask."
"Uhh…. I think that he should stay exactly like he is. It won't be any fun if we can't write about his angst!" A towheaded youngster claimed.
"Agreed!" shouted a voice from the back.
A dreamy eyed brunette simpered, "I want to see him and Cat get married!"
"BOOOoOOOO!" several voices shouted.
A redheaded set of twin girls remarked, "We like hearing stories about how he's beaten up on orcs and trolls. We've written some stuff, but our Dad won't let us put it up." They looked at each other. One girl frowned at the other. "That's because you had to put in all the mushy kissing stuff!" The other girl stuck out her tongue.
"I really, like, you know, think he's hot." A blue haired girl glanced around. "He's got, like, all those muscles and everything and he's so sad and I just love his eyes. He's like, got the nicest eyes."
Dr'izzt blinked at that. She thought that his eyes were pretty?
Another blonde leaned over to kiss him, as she brushed past. The uniformed man grabbed her, pulling her away from him. Her statements included various vitriol against Matron Malice and rather surprisingly violent suggestions about tortures for Briza and Maya and other assorted drow. "But he really should give up the long, desperate love thing for Cat." She licked her lips in a sexy fashion. "He should go ahead and find someone to care for him and take care of him right now." Her eyes met his boldly—opening wide in the affectation of innocence. "Wait…. I'm available right now."
"No! He should tell Cat he loves her!" a voice called from the back.
As Dr'izzt turned around to see who spoke, another human stood. A male (if the pronounced Adam's apple was any indication) dressed in a brilliant sapphire silk dress and elaborate eye make up shouted, "I think he should come home with ME!" With that, he blew a cherry red painted kiss to Dr'izzt.
Several shouts echoed from different corners. A group of humans sporting clay models of elf ears in forest browns, greens and tans started shouting at a group of scantily clad females who were shouting at a rather plainly dressed man who shouted at both groups. A couple of women were trying to muscle their way out of the crowd to approach Dr'izzt, to be caught by a petite blond and a redhead in a clever move with their joined arms.
The double doors at the back of the room opened and another crowd of people stormed in, bearing trays of cookies and cakes and candies and fruits. An enterprising soul even wandered in with a hot pot of venison stew in a camp style pot. However, a woman scantily costumed as a fairy who hauled in a tin pot of vegetarian stew quickly accosted that one.
Dr'izzt could only stare in fascination. There seemed to be three main factions—one group who wanted him to declare his love for Cat, one group who wanted him for themselves and one group who wanted him to remain uncommitted. A few were torn between all the opinions, but quickly ended up getting absorbed in one group or another.
The judge's banging gavel didn't even register with the crowd. Particularly when someone—a costumed girl in a red satin devil costume with light up horns—picked up a handful of purple icing and cake and hurled it at the man holding her back. She missed and hit the back of a brunette's head. The brunette looked around and snatched up a load of sugar covered strawberries and threw them back. She missed (of course!) and spattered other several people.
In moments the entire argument degenerated into a food fight. Sauces and icing smeared across the floor. The walls were covered in sodas and bits of cakes. Cookies were mashed into seats and faces. Candies stuck to every conceivable surface, and littered the floor. Most of the more timid shuffled out, chagrined to be covered in a gooey mixture of foods. The uniformed man called in others who vainly tried to subdue the rioting crowd.
The judge continued banging like a demented carpenter. "Order! ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!"
A uniformed man slipped on a blob of blue icing and disappeared under the surging crowd. The others frowned and one tried to reach his hand, but was unable to pull him out from under the stampeding crowd. Dr'izzt held his breath for a tense moment. Then the man appeared again, a blob of fudge sitting in his hair, limping out with a twisted ankle and a sprained wrist.
He stood up, gesturing to one frightened young woman standing alone. As she approached, he said softly, "Please go home. It's dangerous here."
The girl nodded. "I think you're hot an' all, but this is too much!" Without another murmur she ducked out a side entrance.
Heartened, Dr'izzt tried again with another and another. As the uniformed men ushered the violent ones out the back, Dr'izzt persuaded the more timid to depart quietly. The crowd turned suddenly, catching on as he spoke to a red-haired little girl, and rushed him. A heartbeat away from the stampede, the guards stopped them and continued herding them out.
The courtroom seemed deserted as the judge ordered everyone to leave in a screaming voice.
Dr'izzt felt several of the uniformed men—and surprisingly three women who were in similar uniforms—shift into formation around him and escort him into an empty hallway. Stone faced, they seemed to decide to tactfully ignore Dr'izzt's confusion and waited in silence for the din to cease.
The injured man stuck his head out into the hallway. "You all can come in now. Judge Williams' ordered a closed courtroom, now."
Several people rolled their eyes and one snarled back, "With all the charges and witnesses, it won't do much good, Bob."
"I know, Tom, but at least this gets rid of SOME of the whacko," Bob replied.
Dr'izzt felt his humor prick a little bit as he walked into the courtroom again. Several people were silently trying to mop up or sweep up the bits of cakes and splatters of icing, which had smeared into a brilliant blend of colors from wall to wall, studded with candies and cookies. Judge Williams held his head in his hands, sipping a clear liquid from a glass tumbler. Dr'izzt sniffed the air delicately—it wasn't water in that tumbler either.
"Tom," he ventured softly. "Perhaps I could help clean up some of this mess?"
Tom snickered. "We oughta have them do it." He shrugged. "It's going to take forever to get all that butter and grease off the floor—let alone all the sugar!"
Dr'izzt set down the onyx figurine and whispered to it. Guenyvar's muscular form appeared. With a twitch of her whiskers she assessed the situation. Dr'izzt rolled his eyes meaningfully at the cat and gestured at the chair he was supposed to sit in. Guen's eyes brightened and she began delicately lapping up the butter and cream icing smeared all over it.
Judge Williams didn't seem to be perturbed in the least by Guen's massive form appearing in his courtroom, nor bothered as she calmly went from the butter and cream icing to a puddle of vanilla ice cream to a large spill of the venison stew. Taking another gulp of his drink, he glared at Dr'izzt with watering eyes.
"Do you see now, Sir?" he snapped. "This sort of thing keeps happening. And as your legend grows, sir, it grows worse and worse and worse!" He dropped his face into his hands again. "I thought it was bad when I had that dhampir in here—the entire courthouse had to be rebuilt!"
"What happened then, sir?" Dr'izzt asked softly.
"The vampires were in an uproar that he was unfair to some other vampire. The female vampires all were propositioning him. The females in the audience were furious at the female vampires. The male—both human and vampire—were incensed and screamed that they had no peace because of the uproars caused by the females." He sighed dramatically. "It ended up becoming another riot—the entire back wall and three columns were destroyed."
Dr'izzt flinched as the judge randomly cursed and snarled, finishing his drink. He wasn't entirely sure what exactly to say or to do to defuse the situation, but this was apparently serious.
The judge glared at him finally. "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"May I ask a few questions of you, sir?"
The judge poured a shot back into the tumbler. Considering it thoughtfully, he replied, "Well, it's not really supposed to be done that way, but I suppose—heck, why not?"
"Sir, there seems to be three groups—one who apparently want me to commit to Catti-Brie, one group who wants me to choose one of the err…. currently present candidates and one who wants me to remain uncommitted. Is that correct?"
The judge nodded. "That's about it. And we've got hundreds of these complaints and registered people." He took a heavy swallow. "And I absolutely REFUSE to go through weeks of this trying to get it all sorted out."
Dr'izzt nodded, thinking for a moment.
"You know," the judge slurred softly. "If we could go ahead and settle this, then all the complaints could be dismissed."
"Sir, how would you recommend it be settled?"
"Me?" the judge looked perplexed for a moment. "I guess I would state an opinion and be done with it." The judge smiled. "Any opinion at all." Then he frowned. "No… wait, then there'd be rioting from whoever was dissatisfied…" He dropped his head into his hands. "And more charges…."
Dr'izzt frowned, listening to Guen lap up something behind him. "Is there no way to satisfy all three groups?" He smiled suddenly. "Sir, what if I surrendered a choice to you and no one knew what it was?"
"Say, that's a great idea!" The judge smiled gleefully. "I could seal the document containing your actual choice and as long as you followed the court's ruling of surrendering a choice, then that's the end of it!" He smiled broadly. "So be it! I hereby sentence you to surrender a choice—written in English on paper—in ten minutes."
The uniformed Tom leaned close to the judge. "Sir, isn't that premature? You haven't finished trying him yet…."
"Guilty!" the judge snapped with a smile. "I find you guilty of all the charges of being an angst filled character who hasn't made up his mind and is causing a disturbing effect on the peace. Tom, hand him a pad and pencil."
Tom glanced at the judge and reluctantly handed him a pad of paper and pen.
Dr'izzt thought for a moment and scribbled down his choice. Tearing off the piece of paper, he folded it and handed it to the judge.
The judge smiled and kissed the folded paper and dropped it into a folder. "Done!" He stripped off the black robe—showing off his mint green and puce Hawaiian style shirt and khaki pants. "Case is dismissed! Final! Over! We're sealing it! Good bye!" He waved half-heartedly at Dr'izzt and Guen and vanished.
For a split second, everyone stared in silence at the empty judge's bench. Then, with a shrug, Tom led Dr'izzt out of the courtroom, as Guen lagged behind.
Dr'izzt frowned softly as Guen's belly rumbled. With a soft smile, he patted the great panther's head. "You shouldn't have eaten so much—it upsets your stomach."
So is this the last that I have heard of these trials? I left the courthouse and started to walk down a shady lane. I turned to give it one more glance and it had vanished. No one else has heard of the court, nor of what became of all the charges. I have heard nothing since—not of that peculiar day nor of the mysterious "dhampir" who had been judged before me. Is this the last?