Bets & Debts
PC Plays:
Narrator: Jack (so he gets to be in bold!)
R-R-H: Daniel
Teal'c, Carter and 'Guy in Red Shirt' are also in this but you'll have to read it to find out who they are.
And Gen. Hammond and 'Conscripted Audience who should be getting Hazard Pay for this'as themselves.
Little Red Riding Hood
Daniel: So how did we end up doing this again...Jack?
Jack: You should know Daniel; it was your fault.
Daniel:My fault! You had to go make a bet with the SG3 Marines that I couldn't go three missions without getting injured!
Jack: And who lost it for us?Daniel: speechless
Carter: Anyway who thought up the idea of a PC fairytale- pretty much the whole point of fairytales is that they're not P.C.
Daniel: Why?
Carter: Wicked Witch. Beautiful Girl, Evil Stepmother- typecasting.
Daniel: Ok, now can we just get this over with so we can start planning revenge for this.
Random Redshirt: NOOOO! Not Again! I'm gonna die! I'M GONNA DIEEE! Why me all the time anyway!
Pause- SG1 stare at him for a moment, puzzled
Carter: Umm... Solidarity?
Jack: Hey, I'm narrator this time round! Grins evilly Where's old Harry Maybourne these days?
Carter: Err.. Right behind you Sir.
Jack: Nice apron Harry.
Shuffles papers
Jack: Right then, where was I? Ah yes. Mother Maybourne- you tell Little Green Uniform here- that's you Daniel- to go bring 'food and goodies' it says here to his, her...its Granny.
Daniel: Me! Why am I Little Red Riding Hood? Apart from the really stupid costume- little Red Riding Hood is female!
Jack: True. Car...
Carter: No Sir, sorry- I like my part.
Teal'c: Besides, O'Niell, by the customs of your country and this...play it is not...P.C. to want a female to play the part of a female simply because she is female. I have my 'Medium-sized Book of Politically-Correctness' here. Col. Feretti gave it to me for this play.
Jack (under his breath) : Troublemaker.
Carter:He's right Sir. Sorry Daniel.
Daniel: Well at least don't call me Little Red Riding Hood. That's definitely un-P.C.
Jack: All right- tell (breath) Medium-Sized Neutral-Coloured, Non-Gender-Specific Item of Clothing to go to it's Gr- visit the Senior Citizen!
Maybourne: Mediu...
MS-NC-NGS-IoC: All right- I got it!
Moodily picks up basket
Mother Maybourne: Watch out for the wo- (turns and asks sarcastically) I am allowed 'wolf' aren't I?
Jack: (Checks book) Yup, you're ok with 'wolf'
Mother: Wolf, my dear chi...
Jack (leafing furiously): Psst! Pre-teen!
Mother: Pre-teen.
END SCENE ONE
SCENE TWO Scene: Forest PathMS-NC-NGS-IoC walks down path, swinging basket and grumbling
MS-NC-NGS-IoC: It's not fair! I always have to do it! I wanted to go to the disco and now I'll be late and...
Overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all it starts to cry
Jack: Awww- teenage angst.
MS-NC-NGS-IoC stops crying and continues walking. The bushes rustle and there is a glimpse of a gray tail in the background. MS-NC-NGS-IoC doesn't notice.
MS-NC-NGS-IoC: Oh there's the Senior Relations cot... JACK! Cottage ok?
Jack (more furious leafing): Cotinga, Cotoneaster, Cotta, Cottage! Um- 'minor dwelling' it says here.
Daniel (rolls eyes) Senior Relations Minor Dwelling then (knocks; door opens; steps inside. There is a bed against the far wall. It walks towards it.)
MS-NC-NGS-IoC: Oh, Granny, I have come to gi... Yearrrghhh!
Random Gen. Hammond: Yes, Major Carter is quite a convincing wolf.
Carter: Thank-you Sir.
Daniel: Actually, it was... Granny Teal'c... I was referring to. (Sniggers)
Teal'c: This is most demeaning O'Niell. (Pulls at 'Granny' nightdress) And most unbecoming also.
Jack: Matches your eyes, Teal'c.
Pause
Teal'c: My eyes were never red O'Niell.
Jack (hurriedly as everyone is staring at Jack now): Its just something you say, ok?. Anyway, you're not in this scene. You've been eaten by Granny Carter.
Teal'c stomps off muttering something about 'stupid Tau'ri customs'
Daniel: Can we just finish up already. The audience is asleep. (Pause) Or dead.
Jack: Ok, ok. You go over there. Carter does the 'All the better to eat you with, thing' and you scream for help.
Carter/Daniel: Hey!
Carter: I get what, three lines in this play and you skip them!
Daniel: I have to scream?
Jack: Sorry Carter. You're halfway there already Daniel. Just shriek already and get it over with!
Daniel (deep breath):
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
(Audience wakes up hurriedly (or in some cases resurrects) and hits the roof. One poor newbie airman is clinging to the chandelier as he wakes up before realizing there actually isn't one this being the Gateroom and falls again. Brief pause while Infirmary staff collect him)
Jack: Very good. Woodsman- WHERE'S THE WOODSMAN!
Random Redshirt: (enters with axe) Cool- I get a weapon! Does this mean I get to survive then?
Jack: Get on with it!(Random Red Shirt runs up to the bed with the axe)
Random Redshirt: GIVE IT BACK ITS GRANNY OR I'LL CHOP- URK!
(Wolf briefly savages Woodsman before diving out the window at the back of the set )
Carter (muffled): Ouch!
Jack: Ahem- as she jumps she bangs into cupboard which falls over...(Hand reaches back onto set and pushes over cupboard beside window. The door swings open )
Jack: And inside the cupboard Granny is ok.
MS-NC-NGS-IoC: Granny!
Granny: Medium-Sized Neutral-Coloured, Non-Gender-Specific Item of Clothing!
Jack: reading sheets in one hand and holding up placard in the other hand to the audience. It says 'Aaaahhh'
Audience:Aaaahhh.
Jack: And so they all lived happily ever after except the woodsmen who didn't, the cleaning ladies who had to clean up the mess, and me because I wrote the play...hey! I didn't write that bit!
All: (turning on him murderously): YOU wrote the play?
Jack: (defensively): Not that last bit I didn't!
Daniel: Get him!
Maybourne:This seems familiar somehow...
Jack flees for the horizon pursued by everyone including the audience who want their money back and the injured airman who now has medical- bills.
Drops piece of paper which gets trampled. On it is:
The End!
Well done to you if you made it here! Sorry, no prizes.