I think phanphic authors exist for the sole purpose to torture Erik...hehe, here's my stab at it! Anyway, please forgive the lack of "funny" in this chappie...my brain is sort of dead. Gah. But i would appreciate it very much if you read this! I hope I don't disappoint anyone, and yes, if you ask, it was inspired from "Win a Date With Tad Hamillton" but on this matter I will say two things: first, this story does NOT contain any romance, and secondly, that movie was the very worst movie EVER made in the history of bad movies!!

okay, i'm done ranting. now then, on with the exceptionally bad phic!!

Chapter 2: You're A Sick Man, Nadir Khan

Dear Mr. Erik, i.e. Mr. Phantom,

Please allow me to introduce myself: My name is Johannes Schneider, President of the Committee For The Involvement of Celebrities In Their Communities. I would like to thank you so much for signing up as our Celebrity Bachelor of the Month (paperwork submitted by a Mr. Khan—please give him our deepest gratitude as well). As Celebrity Bachelor of the month (since it is also the Christmas season) I would like to remind you that you agreed to participate in the "Win A Date With Monsieur Phantom" contest, where one lucky fan will be able to share a date with you on Christmas eve.

We would like to add that you shall not go empty handed for your sacrifice; you shall be sent two round trip all-expenses cruise tickets for you and a friend to the gorgeous Caribbean Islands, complete with all-you-can-eat buffets, wonderful excursions to picturesque locations, as well as a two V.I.P. passes to a Yanni concert. Also, we would like to inform you that your date is being meticulously screened; you need not worry. Luckily, this time we may not have quite an unfortunate incident as the one with Monsieur Frankenstein.

Once again, thank you for your cooperation; after all, we live to serve the community!

Merry Christmas to you

Best Regards,

Johannes.

Erik read the note yet again. Then he looked up at Nadir who insisted on smiling annoyingly.

"Are—you—mad?" He whispered.

"Come on, Erik, I don't think you read the second paragraph..."
"And I don't think you read the first paragraph! Good God, Daroga! What the hell have you gotten me into?"

"Erik, Erik, Erik." Nadir put an arm around Erik's thin shoulders. "Don't you think it's time you found yourself another girl?"
"NO!" Erik shrugged off his arm. "I can't! I'm supposed to be completely obsessed with Christine! If I don't love her desperately anymore, I'll lose half my sex appeal!"

"Hey, cheer up! The other half isn't bad...you know, with all the killing, and the music and the maniacal laughter..."

"Daroga, I can't! Plus...I just can't!"
"Why not?"
"You wouldn't know." Erik sat down heavily. "For reasons I can't say."
"I know, Erik, I do." Nadir sat down beside him.

"No you don't!" Erik had the air of a very emotional toddler.

"You're afraid of your phans."

Erik went pink in the face.

"Of course not! Why would I—"
"You're afraid of being completely smothered by affection," said Nadir patiently, "I know. Don't you worry about that, mate, I've gotten it taken care of."

"What?" Erik forgot to deny his fear of his phans.

"Easy," said Nadir. "All you need is a bodyguard."
"A bodyguard?"
"I've set up an ad in the newspaper," said Nadir, two steps ahead. "Tomorrow we interview them."
Erik looked at his friend rather sniffily. "But Nadir! I can't date some random mystery woman!"

"Oh, Erik! It's only just one night! Besides, think of what you'll get...think of the buffet!"
"I don't eat much, you know that..." Erik folded his long fingers together.

"Come on! How about Yanni?"

Erik brightened. He was passionately fond of Yanni.

"Yes, I suppose that is an incentive," he mumbled in spite of himself. Nadir clapped him hard on the back.

"There's the fearless phantom I know! So will you do it?"

"I...suppose...I'm not sure...."

"It will be fine," insisted Nadir. "Think of the glorious vacation that will follow! The hula skirts! The girls wearing the hula skirts..."
"You're a sick man, Nadir Khan." Erik couldn't help but grin slightly.

"I'm sure you'll do fine, Erik," said Nadir with a wink. "After all, you've certainly got a way with women."
Erik was forcefully reminded of the time he had tied Christine to a chair to prevent her from killing herself. He winced.

"All right," he said finally as his companion whooped for joy, "I'll do it. But if it goes wrong at all, it'll be your head in the guillotine."

"Consider it being chopped off if the date isn't perfect," said Nadir gallantly. Erik smiled because his friend looked so pleased.

But secretly, he was dreading the prospect.