Hi everyone! okay, i'm warning you, this following chapter was written when i was in a very STRANGE, PERKY mood. and therefore, i am not to be held responsible for anything that may seem...extremely...ODD...0o oh, did i mention that this chapter is loooooooooooooong??
but please,please, PLEASE R & R, i love reviews! i'm a review fiend! i MUST HAVE THEM!! MWAHAHAHAH!! screeches hehe...
anyway, like i said, if things don't make sense, please forgive me. extra-hard schoolwork has gotten to my head.
oh yes...in this chapter, Erik throws an impressive tantrum...read on if you are interested (or brave) enough to find out!
Chapter 5: Intentions...and Erik has a Tantrum!
Erik's hands were shaking so badly (a quarter out of fear, three quarters out of rage) he could barely pour a decent cup of boiling tea into his best china. He could hear Carlotta chatting away animatedly with Nadir in the next room (well, to him it seemed Carlotta was doing most of the chatting). Pouring a final cup, Erik bore the tray of Earl Grey into the room. "Tea, Signora?" he asked in a very clever imitation of courtesy.
"Ooh, I do not dreek tea," spat Carlotta, "eet is a nasty dreenk. In my countree, we dreenk fresh coffee, 'ot and black." She slapped her great stomach, a sound which reverberated through the room.
"How about you, Signore?" asked Erik Julio.
"Yes, thank 'oo," said Julio quietly accepting a steaming cup.
"Zis Julio," said Carlotta giving her brother a ripe smack on the shoulder, "'ee is becoming a a forry-ner. 'Ee used to dreenk much coffee but now 'ee 'ees becoming Frrrrench, "she rolled her 'r's with vigor. "Look at 'im! Once such a plump cheekon, now 'e is nussing but skeen and bone." She poked his meaty arm with a finger. "Show zem, Julio! Show zem 'ow theen 'oo 'ave become!"
Julio modestly showed them the watch he was wearing. Then he said in a very quiet rumble,
"Before, my wreest would not feet," he explained, looking thoroughly ashamed. For reasons he could not explain, Erik felt a rush of sympathy towards Julio. He looked monstrous, but he seemed a decent fellow behind the horrific visage. Much like himself, Erik considered. (Only he himself wasn't such a decent fellow.)
"So what brings you here, Signora?" asked Erik finally, sitting down and taking a swill from his own cup.
Carlotta eyed him beadily.
"'oo arrre being most—"
"Yes, yes I know, unkind," said Erik very impatiently. "What have I done wrong this time?"
""I tell 'oo zat I do not dreenk tea, and 'oo arrr seeting there vith 'oor leetle cheekon-legs all crossed and 'appy,"—Erik quickly uncrossed his legs—"'oo shood be een 'our keetchon making ze madame"—she indicated herself—" 'ot coffee."
Eager to leave the scene, Erik leapt to his feet (cursing profusely) and made a fresh pot of coffee. When he returned, he found Nadir not in the trembling state of horror he'd left him in, but rather the very paragon of relief and confidence.
"Did I miss something?" asked Erik, setting down the new tray in front of Carlotta.
"Yes, 'oo most cer-tain-lee deed," said Carlotta loftily as though it had been his fault to begin with. "I vas just deescussing ze seetooation weeth Monsieur—"she paused, thinking hard.
"Khan, madame," said Nadir.
"Ka-han?"
"Khan."
"Kha-han?"
"Khan."
"Ah! I 'ave you zees time! Kheen!"
"Er—"
"Yes, that's right," said Erik quickly and Carlotta beamed with pride.
"Yes, as I wos saying, I deescussed ze seetooation weeth Monsieur Kheen—" Nadir gave a pained smile as Carlotta winked cheekily at him "—zees Ween a Date theeng—"
"Hang on!" Erik sat down to prevent (if necessary) shock from making him keel over. "How do you know about this?" He quickly cast a horrified look at Nadir. "You're not my date are you!?"
To his relief, Carlotta laughed richly.
"No, seely boy, I doo not go weeth leetle Opera Ghosts." She patted his arm reassuringly. "but I doo know zat zees "Win a Date" iz often more seerioos zan anteeceepated."
"How do you know?" Erik leaned forward, somewhat intrigued. Carlotta grinned fiendishly. She simply said,
"Ubaldo."
Erik and Nadir stared.
"Aah, I steel remember," said Carlotta with a giggle, "wen I got 'is form, eet was exciting! Eet said, height, five feet, weight, five somesing but I do not remember zat...but I do remember 'underwear size'—"
"Who wants more coffee?" asked Erik quickly, narrowly avoiding learning some of Ubaldo Piangi's warm, unspoken secrets.
"Anyweey," continued Carlotta, "eet iz most eemportant zat 'oo 'ave a...vat doo zey say? 'Chaperone?' on zees date. I don't vant aany monkey business," she shook her finger fiercely at them.
Erik and Nadir looked at each other.
Monkey business? They both started laughing maniacally (Even Nadir, who had acquired quite a good laugh from being around Erik so much).
"Monkey business?" spluttered Erik with a snort, slipping a hand behind his mask to catch the tears. "Signora, I can assure you—"
"Ah, no!" cried the great woman, "I doo not trust ze young blood..."
Erik grinned.
"Have you any idea how old I am?"
"Does not matter," she said dismissively, "'oo 'ave acted like my leetle nephew eef not worse...and 'e eez only five years old. Except my leetle nephew would not Punjab anyone because 'e could not reach." She smiled fondly at the thought of the little boy. "and eet eez not about 'oo. I am not concerned with 'oo doing monkey business, I am concerned with ze phan."
That certainly got their attention.
"The phan?" asked Erik looking considerably less jovial.
"Si," Carlotta took a sip of her coffee. "Eef ze phan eez being...oh, 'oo know..." she blushed "too affectionate, zen we 'ave a problem."
"Why?"
"Well, zen 'oo, out of self-defense, vill attack ze phan and den 'oo will loose your good public persona," said Carlotta expertly.
The two gaped at her. Not because of her idea, but because it made perfect sense. Then something came to Erik's mind.
"Signora, why are you so keen on saving my public persona?"
Carlotta stared at him.
"If 'oo attack the phan and go to jail, 'oo weel scare away ze ozzer divas in training like zat leetle Chreestine?" she raised her eyebrows as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Eef 'oo go away, zen 'oo won't be 'ere to fall in love with anuzzer soprano, and scare 'er away, leaving La Carlotta in ze limelight," Carlotta paused and smirked.
Erik felt slightly nauseous.
"So," he sad quietly, "you want me around so that I can scare off anuzzer—I mean another soprano by falling in love with her, so that she'll go away making you famous?"
Carlotta gave a confoundedly cheerful smile.
"'oo see?" she asked Julio approvingly, "'e 'as brains, zees one!"
"NO!" Erik forgot his composure, leaping up (consequently knocking over his tea cup and slopping now frigid tea all down his good clothes). "How dare you? You evil woman, how dare you?"
Nadir raised an eyebrow.
"Erik—"
But Erik barreled on.
"This isn't my fault! I don't want any part in this plot—"
"But Erik, surely—"
Now Julio entered:
"But why not?"
Carlotta smiled as she appropriately screeched,
"Eez backing out!"
Then they all suddenly stopped, confused. Erik gave a moan and sank into his chair.
"I cannot believe this," he muttered. "Look at me!" He whirled on Nadir appealingly. "Just look! I'm quoting Lloyd Webber!"
Before Nadir could do anything, Erik burst into tears.
"There, there," murmured Nadir patting his hideous friend on the shoulder whilst simultaneously throwing Carlotta a very filthy look.
"I theenk," shouted Carlotta (to get over the din of Erik's wailing) "zat 'oo should 'ear me out."
"How can I hear you out?" bawled Erik, whose golden eyes had become a strange orange shade from his crying. "You're out to destroy me! All of you! And you just want me here so that you can stay in the light!" He pointed at Carlotta briefly before dissolving into a fresh round of hysterics.
"Erik—" Nadir shook his friend slightly.
"Oh, oh, oh!" cried Erik loudly, sniffing and reaching into his breast pocket for a black silken hanky.
"Now Erik, be reasonable—"
"I can't—oh, Christine I'm sorry I made you go away! I'm sorry! And I'm sorry, Strawberries and Cream, for calling you something else...I'm sorry Joseph Buquet, although you were an idiot to come gallivanting through my compositions, I'm sorry—"
Nadir sighed.
"For some reason he's chosen to go through his yearly repentance of being the Opera Ghost at this precise moment," he explained to Carlotta and Julio. "It'll be over in a few minutes."
And sure enough, when Erik was through belting out his sorrows (ending with a regretful incident at a bowling alley where he had had to maim one of the more obnoxious employees), he sat, wiping his thin face with the hanky, and staring at the three of them through wide, frightened eyes. He then said, in a very blubbery voice,
"I hate myself."
"There, now," Nadir gave him a smile. "Feeling like your old demonic self again?"
Erik's lip trembled.
"Feeling—better," he muttered, blowing his nose forcefully.
"Good. Now, let's hear what else Carlotta has to say, all right?" Nadir used the tone of voice best employed in explaining a very abstract concept to a tree stump. Erik looked at the woman, made a face, and said,
"Oh, all right, then. I don't suppose I've much of a choice." A hint of his sinister, seductive self was detectable.
"Good," said Carlotta briskly, "zen I tell 'oo. To not get 'oo in trouble, I geev 'oo a Chaperone—"
"Not you," said Erik loudly before he could stop himself.
"Hah!" scoffed the great woman in contempt. "Moi? Chaperoning a seely ghost? No, no! I 'ave a deeferent sort of chaperone in mind..." she thumped Julio on the shoulder, "'im."
"What?" yelled Nadir and Erik within nanoseconds of each other.
"'im," said Carlotta again, unperturbed. "'e eez not a chaperone, e eez a bodyguard."
The pieces all fit.
"So he's going to be my bodyguard?" asked Erik, sizing up the massive Julio.
"Eezent eet a breeliant idea?" Carlotta looked very pleased with herself. "eef ze phan does anytheeng to 'urt 'oo, Julio weel take care of them."
Erik looked at Nadir.
"Do you think it's wise?" asked the Opera Ghost.
Nadir shrugged.
"I don't see any problems at the moment. Actually, it's probably a pretty good idea. Have you any bodyguard experience?" he asked Julio, who nodded.
"Pope," grunted the large man.
"Well, that's quite impressive, isn't it?" asked Nadir cheerily to Erik.
"Er—"
"Well there it is," said Nadir.
"But what about the ad in the paper?"
"Well," said Nadir thoughtfully, "I told them to meet down here for the interview process around 10 'o' clock..." he consulted his watch "it's been two hours! No one showed up!"
Julio gave a slightly embarrassed cough.
"What did you do to them?" asked Erik, horrified.
"Nothing," said Julio quite truthfully, "Zey all took van look at me and zey ran away."
Nadir gave Erik a thumbs-up.
"Well," said Erik, "That's a useful little talent, isn't it?"
"So, 'oo take 'im?" interjected Carlotta suddenly, for she had been sitting and watching the proceedings with growing interest.
Erik put on his best ominous face.
"I can assure you, Signora, this is not for your benefit. I am simply taking security measures."
"Zat's vat they all say," said Carlotta in a loud whisper to Julio. Erik scowled.
"Yes," he said finally, "we'll take him. And he damn well better do his job!"
Julio stood up and bowed.
"I assure 'oo, Monsieur Ereek, I do ze best job ever."
They were all interrupted by a polite doorbell (which was incidentally programmed to sound like the overture of Erik's Broadway musical). Erik himself opened it, finding himself faced with an enormously beefy man.
"Hi, is this the residence of Mr. Erik—"
Carlotta quickly strode up to join them.
"Ze position 'as been filled," she snapped, and shut the door on the bewildered blackbelt's face.
A/N: Forgive me, like i said, too long, too weird, too pointless...all is understood...but please i don't like flames....they make me sad... : ( but constructive criticism is WELCOME! whatever you do, please review! (hey, that rhymed!)
Erik: ::cough you're an idiot cough::
bundles: tee hee...the torture has only just begun, dear friend...slaps him so hard on the back that he chokes::
ERik: ::hack::
bundles:
erik: people! ::waves frantically:: you MUST REVIEW IF YOU VALUE MY LIFE!!