Please remember that this is Leigh's point of view. I based her
religous and spiritual convictions on someone that is very close to
me. She also does readings and is also a very devout
Christian...only in the South.

Chapter 18

Sara was pouring Grissom and herself a glass of wine when her phone rang. The display showed Leigh's number.

Once the glass of wine was handed to Grissom Leigh told her to leave the room.

"Why?"

"Girl talk"

"I thought we were all about honesty and openness."

"We are. Tell Grissom you need to some privacy. You can tell him what we talked about later."

Sara put the phone in her lap and studied Grissom's profile. He was sprawled on the couch laughing at one of the smart sitcoms. She had been surprised to find that he favored it.

Suddenly aware that she was no longer speaking, he turned his humor filled eyes on her. "What's wrong?"

"I need to take this call in the other room."

"Who is it?" The jealousy hit him like a serpent and for an instant he wondered there was another man on the phone. They had talked about some of Grissom's former
lovers but Sara had been conspicuously mum on the subject. His mine went to the muscled young Hank Pettigrew.

"Leigh"

"You'll tell me later?" Sara was moved by the sound of his voice. He seemed afraid. Gil was afraid that she would keep something from him. "Of course baby."

Sara sat in the middle of their bed and waited for Leigh to speak.

"I want to talk to you about you and Grissom."

"Did you see something?"

"No, this is general intuitiveness speaking."

"Your Grissom is a man of strong passions and perhaps some unusual tastes."

"I know."

"What are you going to do about it?"

Sara pondered the words. "I don't know."

"Has he broached the subject at all?"

"No."

"He wouldn't. He's so thrilled to have me in his bed; he probably doesn't care if we did the missionary position from now to kingdom come."

Leigh thought of Grissom the night when he'd tried so hard to make sure Jarvis didn't suffer any embarrassment in front of her, choosing his words carefully as he alluded to possible romantic entanglements that Leigh had not known about.

Sara felt Leigh's tentativeness through the phone. "I won't break Leigh."

"Indeed, I shouldn't underestimate you CSI Sidle."

"You know about Grissom and Lady Heather?"

"She called a couple of days ago."

"You know he went to her to move past you, to try and get over you."

"I don't care why he went to her. He shouldn't have. I was right there. He knew that he could have me." Anger did not spur the words. For Sara it was a fact, like any other fact.

"He's not a weak man so his need for you must have surpassed any of his logical reasoning."

"Did Jarvis ever..."

"Yes"

"Who?"

"Another professor, Mary."

"What did you do? Did he lie to you about it?"

Sara could picture her dark eyes, so like her own shifting to the right trying to remember or maybe forget.

"No he didn't. He came home one day. We had been together about two months, please remember I was barely 25, I had so little experience with men. I had
so little experience with life. He came home and I could tell something was wrong. He was distant and he went to bed without eating, without talking, without making love. In the middle of the night, I found him huddled over the phone in his study."

"Mary"

"Oh yes. He was making plans for a tryst. He told her that he would be over in less than an hour. "

Sara gripped the phone to her ear in way that it was sure to leave a print on her now tanned skin.

"He looked at me and said, 'I will never lie to you. I will never go any place or do anything that you don't know about but I have needs that are best fulfilled outside of our home. I am going to Mary's. You have the number. I will be back before the sun comes.' Well my mother told me never to appear shocked or surprised by anything people said or did, especially those who you love so I smiled and kissed him goodbye. I watched him walk out the door and then I cried. About 10 minutes into all of that, I just got mad. How dare he tell me what I could and could not handle? I mean he didn't even ask. Off I went to find him. Mary came to the door. She was floored. Jarvis was in the living room taking off his clothes."

Sara's eyes grew large with every sentence of the recollection.

"By this time, I was beyond wound up. I said 'Jarvis Bloodworth if don't come with me right now you will never see me again.' I was scared to death. I was shaking and trying not to cry but he put his shirt on and we left. He slept in the spare bedroom for two weeks."

"I can't imagine you two fighting about anything."

"It took time Sara. It took time and patience. Later he told me that the proximity of me fuelled his desires. Eventually I pulled myself together enough to talk to him. I told him that he had better never consider going to any other woman's bed for anything. Sara this might be hard for you but I don't think so. The Bible says that women should submit to their husband
and that husbands should love their wives like Christ loved the church."

Sara was fascinated by Jarvis and Leigh's devout faith. Sara was suspicious of people that quoted Bible verses and said prayers in the conspicuous light of day. They reminded her of the hypocrites that plagued Jesus. Over the short time that she had known the Bloodworths
she had come to believe that Jesus would have enjoyed their company more than any temple priest. The Bloodworths were quite possibly the most honest people she had ever known. They did all the things that people who professed faith should. They didn't lie, cheat or steal and no covetousness ate at their relationship.

"Leigh I don't know what that means."

"It means that you are going to have to let Grissom be the man of the house and in the bedroom. He has to see a reflection of himself when he looks at you. You are a tough woman Sara, partially because you have had to be. Now that you have Grissom you don't have to do that as much."

"Leigh I don't know if there will be anything past this."

"You need to speak with him about that."

"I'm scared."

"That's what I am talking about. By having faith in Gil much of what you are afraid of will fall away."

"Leigh I don't want to minimize your beliefs but I don't."

"I know what you are thinking. You've had occasion to observe Jarvis and I. Does it look like I'm some timid woman who trails behind him with my eyes downcast, afraid to speak?"

Leigh and Jarvis had reminded Sara of her and Grissom. Jarvis watched slightly off stage while the bright light of attention shown on his wife, only stepping into the spotlight when to guide her away from harm.

"I guess not. So what am I supposed to do?"

"Make it perfectly clear that you will be everything for him, that you are his and his alone, that nothing he is and ever will be could scare you."

"What if he wants something I can't handle?"

"Do you think God would have sent you a man such as that? Sara you have to have faith in yourself and the Creator."

"I am not exactly a church girl Leigh."

"Thank God for that. I think that a church girl might have run the minute I pulled out my crystals. You don't have to be. You only have to be a woman of faith."

"How do I do that?"

"By believing CSI Sidle, by listening to yourself, if you believe in yourself you are better able to listen to God."

Sara glanced at the closed door and imagined that she could feel Gil on the other side.

"There's a book." Sara stopped and started again. "He keeps a book in the bottom drawer of our desk."

"What kind of book?"

"Something similar to the Karma Sutra, maybe southern Asian in origin."

"Have you read it?"

"Yes."

"How did that make you feel? Was it exciting to you?"

"Yes."

"Twin souls. That's what Jarvis calls you and Grissom, that's what he calls us."

"Sara, talk to your Grissom. You are not as fragile as he believes and he's not as difficult as you believe."

"Okay"

Lovemaking the next night was gentle and sweet. Grissom adored her in way that almost made Sara cry. After only few weeks together Gil knew her body better than he knew his own.

When she'd pulled out the silk scarves, he couldn't hide the thrill in his eyes. "You sure?"

Her answer came as the extended hands crossed over her head. The submission of Sara was all that he had hoped for and nothing that he'd expected. He knew that women like Sara did not relinquish control easily. He took one of the scarves from where it lay beside her and
began to wrap it softly around her wrists.

Much later when the sun was set to return she cried herself to sleep when he didn't respond to her declaration of love.

The next morning he found her pouring over images in the book. He pulled it from he hand looked at the cover.

Her eyes were downcast like a well trained Geisha when she asked the question. "Which ones?"

"Where did you find this?"

She forced herself to look at him. "In the desk"

He hadn't known why he'd packed it. He knew that there were things in the worn pages that could only be explored with Sara. How often had he studied the pages thinking of Sara's legs, Sara's breasts, Sara's mouth and hands? Sometimes he stroked himself to a climax but mostly his fantasies were not ones that called for physical release. The release was useless without Sara.
What happened last night was one thing but this was too much to ask of her. He would have to put the things in that book behind him. Life with Sara was more important than his carnal desires. Besides, he hadn't acted on most of what the book held.

The theory of making love to Sara had been one thing, remote and farfetched. It seemed that no part of the fantasy would ever become a reality.

A nagging sensation of worry tugged at some lobe of his brain. Now that the door had been opened would he be able to shut it?
"Sara everything else is enough. You don't have to. If you never want to do anything of these things it's okay. If you never want to do what we did last night, that's okay too."

"If you don't want to do these things with me, to me, then why did you bring it?"

No sane answer came to him. He chastised himself for underestimating Sara's lighting fast perception.

Her voice continued. "How long have you had this?"

"Since a little before you moved to Vegas."

"You could have had me."

"It didn't seem feasible or realistic."

"Explain that to me."

"Sara I thought you had a crush, a crush on your teacher, your mentor. I thought that it would blow over. We see men all the time, men my age that make fools of themselves over young beautiful women."

It was the perfect opportunity for her to broach the subject of their future. She justified her evasion, telling herself that she deserved a little cowardice. Gil had been a coward for years.

"Have you done any of these things with anyone else?"

He shook his head.

"Not even with Heather?"

"You imagine that my relationship with Heather was far more than it was. She was a friend and sexual partner." he said concentrating on the small smattering of freckles that bridged her nose. He did not want to have this conversation with her but knew she needed to get it out.

"You didn't answer my question."

"One or two. It was by happenstance."

"Did you like doing them with her?"

"She was very proficient."

"Tap dance again"

"I liked it."

"Did she ever see the book?"

"Yes"

"Why did you show it to her?"

"I didn't. I kept it on my nightstand."

The thought of the other woman in Grissom's bed, in his house, produced a sour taste in her mouth.

"Do you think I am a good lover?"

"The best I have ever had."

He noticed that she had marked particularly worn pages. "Show me what you did with her."

It took several minutes to find the two illustrations. The pages still held crisp newness.

"Do you want to do either of those with me?"

"Not particularly"

"Yes or no"

"No"

"Would ever want another person with us?"

"No"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

Leigh's words resounded in her ears like a church bell. "My body is yours, every orifice, every hair, everything."

It was his turn to talk.

"Does any of it scare you?"

"No"

"Does any of it excite you?"

"All of it"

"Did you sleep with Hank?"

"Yes"

"Was he a good lover?"

"No"

"No?"

"Absolutely not. Just because he appeared virile doesn't mean that he was."

"Is that all?"

"He wasn't you."

She pulled herself up and sat on the edge of the desk. Her long legs wrapped around him and pulled him close to her. Dark hair taunted him from between her thighs.

"Did you like what we did last night?" Strong hands caressed an equally strong drawer.

His voice was primal and desperate as he spoke. "Do you really belong to me?"

Gentle longing exuded from him. "Yes."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For knowing me."

The soft skin of her thighs was wet with the moisture of her excitement. He could feel it seeping through his clothing. His fingers stroked her. He brought them to his mouth and sucked gently. Her tongue danced across his lips. The pupils of his sky colored eyes were open with excitement.

"I used to come near you after a shift hoping to smell you. That day you took me home after shift, I almost took you right there. I felt like a primate who had found his mate."

"I was always conscious of my femaleness. I thought that it was always too strong, too much."

He buried his fingers in her glossy dark mane. Her head came back with power of his kiss.

"You know most men are foolish don't you Sara. Most men want it all to be less. They want less woman, they want women to diminish themselves so that their smell is gone and as with
primates once the scent of us is gone then everything about us has been compromised."

As she stroked him a primate like call came moved through his body. "Aw Sara the things you do to me."