Chapter 20

Two weeks later.

Gill rolled over and saw Sara's silhouette against the moon. Her hand was absently stroking her belly and she was humming a soft melody. His breath caught in his throat. Blue eyes widened a centimetre as he studied her in the darkness.

From this angle, he could see that her breasts were at least a cup size larger than the first time they had made love. Her formerly concave stomach now it had a bit of roundness to it.

Had she had a period since they had been in Florida?

No. Some investigator you are. You have been so busy enjoying her body that you ignored the biology of it.

He observed Sara for a few more minutes as she twirled a piece of hair around her index finger. She did that when she was anxious about something.

"Sara."

Immediately she became conscious of her posture and tried to flatten her body's profile.

He sat up in bed. "Too late…How long have you known?"

"For sure? Two weeks."

"When were you going to tell me?"

Her thin shoulders came close to her ears.

Later he would wonder at the swiftness of the words as they left his mouth. At that instant it all became too much, their time away, his overwhelming frightening need for Sara.

His voice held a profound weariness. "I am too old to be a first time parent. I am not equipped to rear children."

Fear glued him to the bed.

I can't do this. I can't be what she needs. This is a fantasy Gil. This is not real life. We are far away from our friends and family. You are all she has.

His unspoken words echoed through the air.

Doesn't he know that I can hear him thinking? He doesn't care.

Sara moved her things across the hall to the bedroom she had occupied for only a night and tried to believe in all that life had to offer. She would not let despair overtake her. She had more than herself to think of.

Sara ignored her phone. She couldn't stand to talk to anyone just yet, not Leigh, not Nick, not her mother or brother. She and Gil were polite and aloof. Sara thought good thoughts for her baby and herself. At night she would read to him. She read him things that she liked; poetry by Phyllis Wheatley and Emily Dickinson, Shakespearian sonnets, Zora Neale Hurston and a bit of James Joyce and Grissom's favorites, Shakespeare's tragedies, Hemingway and a little Contee Cullen.

One day after a trip to the bookstore Grissom greeted her with, "Leigh is frantic. You should probably give her a call."

"I will."

The balcony beckoned as she dialed the number.

"Sara!"

"Hi."

"What's wrong? I have had the most terrible dreams. Grissom sounded positively awful."

"Um actually I think he's okay."

"You told him about the baby."

"Yes."

"He freaked out?"

"Yes."

"Sara love I am so very sorry. How are you?"

"Actually not too bad. I've had my time with Grissom. I have my baby. He's going to be beautiful and smart. I'm healthy and independent. I can take care of us."

"Sara Sidle I do believe that you have found some faith."

Sara's voice carried across the wind and into the ocean. "I think you may be right Leigh."

Grissom felt at if he was looking down on his life. It all seemed foreign and distant. Sara moved about the condo humming softly with her hand on the small rise of her stomach. There was no ire when she looked at him. She never asked for any further explanations. Instead she was pleasant and kind to him, more than he deserved. He knew what she saw, the father of her baby. To Sara it was the greatest gift and deserved that he be treated with civility and respect.

He did not ask about the baby. He would not ask. He knew that she was seeing a doctor within walking distance. Every Thursday she would leave just after noon and return around two, sometimes later if she stopped at a bookstore or one of the small restaurants she now ate at solo where waiters remarked that such a beautiful young lady should not eat alone. She would smile and pat her belly, "I'm not alone."

Chris was one such waiter. He was a sleek Dominican who sang in a local band. When he took Sara home to meet his boyfriend Ross, the beefy blond designer had squealed, "Honey if I had your bone structure I could do better than that boy." They took her into their home, into their lives without much explanation. Chris said it best with a trace of the accent from his homeland, "Girlfriend everybody needs people."

She didn't tell them much, just that she was married and that she wasn't getting along with her husband. Chris had glimpsed the handsome bearded man once we he came to walk Sara to the doctor. "I think I saw the hubby, cute geeky type with terrific blue eyes and fabulous hair. You know I think this kid might be too grand for his own good. I could be a little bitter."

Sara looped her arm through his. "That was him."

"Girl you need to give him a break. He looks positively miserable."

"He'll be fine. You don't have to walk me to the doctor every Thursday."

"Nonsense"

Sara took in their surroundings. Rose Station was a lovely city. The weather was beautiful, the people were friendly, and the town was big enough to have a bit of culture but small enough to dissuade major development or traffic tie ups. If she had to be away from her family and friends at least the scenery was nice.

Chris began to sing a show tune from a Broadway flop. Sara tugged on his arm jovially. "I didn't think anyone had seen that show besides me and my mother."

"Oh no Ross and I are the kings of bad Broadway. Ross is the original sucker. Once I sent him out to get tickets for Rent which was only in Miami for two nights. It was the original Broadway cast; they almost never go on the road you know. Well this boy comes back with front row tickets to some show one of his clients was investing in. I am still unclear about the plot but I was impressed with the dancing tomatoes and singing Prada purses."

"That sounds awful."

"Awful is right. We had only been dating for a few months when I said, 'Ross you better be glad I love you cause bad musicals could end a fragile relationship.' It was the first time I told him that I loved him. I didn't mean to say it like that. He got on the phone and called everyone he knew."

"That must have been nice."

Chris gave her a view of straight even teeth. "It was. We are very lucky to have found one another."

Sara tried not the think of the night she'd told Gil that she loved him. She wasn't sad that she had said it, even after she realized that he had not intention of responding in a similar fashion. Leigh had taught her how to live with no regrets, to be thankful for every moment. If something happened to Gil she didn't want to have any regrets and she wouldn't

"Sunshine."

"Hmmm"

"What are you going to do if the kid is gay? I mean I know that your friend said he is going to be straight but what if he isn't?"

"I'm not sure what you mean. What am I supposed to do?"

"Just because you have gay friends doesn't mean you want a gay son."

The walked a few feet without speaking. "If he is gay I would worry about him the same way I worry about you and Ross. I know that it's not easy."

"Would you be angry with him?"

"Angry with him? That's like being mad because he writes with his left hand."

They moved a few more feet in silence. Sara spoke. "What did your parents say when you told them?"

Chris rolled his brown eyes, nearly as dark as Sara's. "I only told them a couple of years ago, it was right after I met Chris, figured he was the one so I took the plunge. I had several glasses of wine and at least one pill of unknown origin."

Sara giggled softly.

"I called and my mother answered the phone. I didn't say hello, only 'I'm gay and I'm in love."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing. She handed the phone to my father who only asked four questions. Does he have a job? Does he love you? Is he Catholic? Are you going to give you poor mother some grandkids? And is he Dominican? Happily I could answer "yes" to all three questions except the last one. He eventually got over it."

"So you and Chris are going to have kids?"

Another eye roll from Chris. "He wants me to quit my job."

"Why?"

"He wants me to be a stay at home dad."

"You don't want to?"

"No, that's not it. I guess I am just scared."

"Of?"

"I have worked since I was 15 years old. I've always had my own money. I don't want Ross to have to take care of me."

Sara thought about what Leigh would say. "So your contribution as a full time parent isn't worth as much as Ross' salary? Besides you can't afford those shoes on your salary anyway."

It was Chris' turn to laugh.