Chapter 24

The depression had started almost as soon as Sara had told him about the baby. For a time, the cigarettes and alcohol had kept off most of the deep despair. He knew he was self medicating but could fine no other solution. As Sara entered her 8th month, worry gnawed at her, while the smoking subsided some the drinking escalated to dangerous levels.

He still seemed to be able to work but it was a mechanical action. If you gave Gil Grissom forensic reports and insect specimens the result would be predictable. He read and analyzed but he did not care. He rarely answered his phone. Nick had gotten the hang of things and didn't call about work much. When he questioned Sara as to why Grissom was avoiding him she could not give any reasonable sounding answer. She confided her concerns to Leigh who encouraged her to pray for him. "Just keep out of his way Sara. There's not much you can do if someone is determined to destroy themselves. It's not your fault so don't feel guilty."

She had been with Chris and Ross when her water broke. Chris, ever efficient and reliable, had moved though the situation with his natural calm and clarity. Ross, in typical theatrical fashion, had fainted. Chris poured a glass of water on him and then called over his shoulder as he opened the door for Sara. "Ross we don't have time for you hysterics. I suggest you get yourself up off that floor cause this baby's coming with or without you."

Julian Lee showed up impatient, angry and famished. When he latched on to his mother she had cried softly.

Sara and Julian had arrived home with Chris in tow. Grissom was noticeably absent. Chris had not asked why Sara's husband did not attend the birth of his first child but his resentment for Dr. Gil Stewart grew everyday. It was one thing to be mad at your wife but it was quite another to ignore the birth of your child.

Sara had left a message on Grissom's phone telling him when she and baby would be home so that they could avoid any awkwardness. Gil had left the condo wondering if he would ever return. He stayed in a hotel for close to two weeks before he gathered enough courage to go home.

He arrived at 3 in the morning, not quite drunk and not quite sober. His son was down the hall and he wanted desperately to see him. Sara's door was open. Grissom walked softly by and turned into the nursery. Sara's rocking chair was in front of the crib. He imagined that she has spent hours watching their son.

He could just make out his son's features as the moonlight streamed in and danced across his small face.

He stuck an index finger in through the slats of the cherry crib and stroked his small hand. Julian had arrived a little early but to Grissom's eye he looked healthy and strong.

He spoke softly to him.

"Hey. I know you don't know me that well cause I haven't been around much but I'm your father. You won't be seeing much of me. You might not understand at first but it's for the best. I was not cut out to be anyone's father. My own dad left when I was six. He wasn't cut out to be a parent either. I was better off with just my mother. You'll be better off too. You'll see."

He stood and stroked his back. "Your mother is a wonderful woman. She'll make a good life for both of you. She's one of the best people I know, much better than myself. Some not so nice stuff has happened to your Mom but she never lets it stop her. You weren't planned but no one could be more loved. Look at this room huh. Apparently you aren't going to be a scientist. Leigh says that you will be an artist. Two science geeks made an artist. Who would have imagined that huh?"

He was not aware that he had picked the sleeping infant up. "There might be a problem with your hearing but surgery should correct it. I have a good deal of money saved. I am going to make sure that you can do anything you want. You won't have to work your way through school like I did. You can take time off if you want to see the world. You can see places that I have only read about. I'm sorry I can't give you more." The tears fell down Gil's face and got lost somewhere in his beard. Julian's blue eyes were open and he was listened to his father's words sweetly, not aware of the bitterness and sadness they held.

His nocturnal visits to his son continued. Each night he would tip across the hall and talk to his son about all sorts of things; his dreams, his hopes for him, his love for Sara, the mistakes he had made and the things he was most proud of.

Through trial and error he had learned how to change him, to feed him the bottles that his mother kept in the refrigerator. Grissom visits were timed so that they would fall asleep between Julian's midnight feeding and his 5 am feeding. Sara thanked God that her son had learned to sleep most of the night so early in life and usually slept soundly during this time thanks to Grissom.

At the beginning of Julian's 2nd month of life Sara had woken up and found her son's nursery empty. Her scream tore through the condo.

Gil had rushed down the hall with him nestled close to him. He knew what the sound was. Sara had found the nursery empty.

Gil's free hand had gone to Sara's shaking arm. "Sara, its okay, I've got Julian. I've got him." As he repeated the mantra the words finally broke through her maternal fog.

Gil was holding their son. He was holding Julian. She watched in amazement as Gil soothed the crying infant with soft words and murmurs. "Hey we scared Mommy. We scared her that's all. You know why she was scared? She was scared because she loves you so much. It's okay. It's okay." Grissom's thumb and forefinger stroked his tiny back rhythmically and when the child quietened he placed a sleeping Julian back in his crib."

Sara noted his hands in his pockets as he looked at her sheepishly.

"I am sorry."

Sara tried to take in all in. It all made sense. Julian's sudden schedule change, the diapers that looked a little different in the morning, the bottles that disappeared in the night. She knew that Grissom had stopped smoking and rarely drank anymore. Color had returned to his formerly sallow face and he was eating again.

Sara didn't speak as she motioned him from the room to the kitchen.

"Grissom what are your intentions towards our son." Grissom winced as she sat across the table from him.

Grissom did what he did best where Sara was concerned. He evaded. "I don't know how to answer that question Sara."

"Gil" Sara would have none it.

"My intentions are to make sure that he never has to worry about money."

"That's it. What are these little night time visits about?"

"I just wanted to spend some time with him before I could mess it up or before one of us left or before the case broke."

"I see. So you have no intention of seeing him after that?"

"Sara…"

"I know. I know you are not cut out to be a parent."

She waited for him to correct her. She waited for him to say something, anything. It was Sara that spoke. "Then I am going to have to ask you to leave him alone. He is not a toy to be taken out and played with at will. Event at this stage it could traumatize him to loose you."

He nodded the sad nod she had come to know so well.

Gil Grissom you won't fight for me. You won't fight for your son. What will you fight for?