Title: I'm Still Here
Authors: HaloGatomon and Leap of Fate
Fandom: Thunderbirds
Rating: PG
Series/Movie Verse: Movie Verse
Genre: Angst (Emotional)
Disclaimer: Me and Laura don't own Thunderbirds (very sadly), it belongs to teh great Gerry Anderson! Also, we don't own the song lyrics at the beginning or end of this songfic; the beginning lyrics come from 'I'm Still Here' by John Rzeznik and the end lyrics come from 'Always Know Where You Are' by BBMak, both songs come from the Disney film 'Treasure Planet'.
Summary: He's just a kid who wants to experience the thrill of flying the Thunderbird machines, yet he has little regard for responsibility, doesn't think of the consequences of his actions and acts selfishly, right? What really goes through the mind of Alan Shepard Tracy?
A/N: Well it all started the other night when Laura said to me when I got online from work, "Ever heard of 'I'm Still Here'? It's that song from Treasure Planet. Don't you think it makes a great Alan song?" And thus this lil' songfic was born.
The songfic is mainly in Alan's POV, but it does switch a number of times. Anyway, here's the songfic!
I'm Still Here
I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be
And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here
And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here
They can't tell me who to be
'Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah the world is still sleepingWhile I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies
That I'll never believe
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can they say I'll never change?
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here
I'm the one
'Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
"I can't believe this Alan, how many times have I told you to stay out of the Thunderbirds! You are messing with vital sensitive equipment and endangering the lives of everyone in this organization including the lives of your brothers! Do you have any idea how serious the consequences of your actions could be, did you even stop to consider anyone but yourself!"
Here he goes again.
It's always the same old story.
It's like I'm at fault for everything that goes wrong around here.
What can I do but stand here each time I'm in trouble and take what he says, even if I've heard them so often they're permanently burned into my head and I can't get them out.
He's not willing to give me the chance I so desperately want to try and show him exactly what I can do, exactly who I am, but he's not interested. To him, and everyone else around here, I'm just a stupid kid.
I roll my eyes without saying anything, my gaze going away from him.
"Alan Shepard Tracy you look at me when I'm talking to you! This is serious. Do you want to see your brothers killed because you couldn't do what you were damn well told and keep out of those 'Birds? Do you want to see everything this family has worked for destroyed because we were discovered and our security compromised because you hit a wrong button? How can you continually be so selfish all because you won't play by the rules and do things the way you're supposed to. Don't you understand that I know what's best for you? Why can't you be more like your brothers, you think Scott or John ever caused so much trouble, disobeyed direct orders or were so selfish? When are you going to grow up Alan, realize it's not all about you?"
Those words hurt more than you'll ever know dad, because I'll never admit that they hurt.
No, I have the Tracy stubbornness and the temper, so instead I fight back; match tone for tone, shouting for shouting, as I always have done
"Maybe if you gave me a damn chance to show you all that I'm not a stupid or selfish little brat we wouldn't keep being in this position! You don't know anything about me dad, so don't tell me what I'm like or who I am!" I hear myself yell angrily.
Don't you ever stop and wonder dad? Don't you ever ask yourself why you don't know who I really am?
"You expect me to give you a chance when you behave like this? Why should I trust you with any responsibilities when you don't show a damn iota of having any concept of being responsible, of stopping to think about your actions and how they affect everyone else? I've had enough, first your school report and now this! You are grounded young man, and if I catch you anywhere near those 'Birds, you won't see anything outside your room until you're twenty-five. Go and consider just what responsibility really means!"
I'm so worked up, so angry and yes, deep inside where it will forever be kept under lock and key, I'm hurt.
He can't accept me for who I am, he never will, no one will and that's what hurts the most.
My eyes narrow in recognition that this time it's gone particularly far and even before I've thought of them, words are leaving my mouth.
"It's not like I see anything outside my room anyway! I am NOT my brothers! I'm not Scott, John, Virgil or Gordon! Stop comparing me with them! And I'm most certainly NOT you! I never will be! I'm ALAN TRACY! ME! MY OWN PERSON! IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT THEN I'LL NEVER BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE!"
I'm sure the whole island has heard me, in fact I know they have, I can hear very faint voices from outside my father's office, I think it's Gordon and Scott.
I stare angrily at my father and with my eyes I dare him to yell at me back.
"Get. out. Alan. Now."
He looks angry. Actually, that's a massive understatement. He looks more like a volcano just before a cataclysmic eruption, but struggling to keep that famous Tracy temper under control 'till the last second.
His voice is low and etched deep from his throat and I read the warning fully, but I guess some part of me wants dad to lose control. I want him to lose it because it means that he's hurting and that same part of me wants him to hurt, wants him to know some small part of what it's like living under the shadow of four older brothers that are everything you aspire to be yet you know you never will be. I've lived under them for so long and all I want is to stand with them, stand side-by-side with them as one of them, but all I get from them is rejection, ruthless teasing and tormenting over my past mistakes and the knowledge that it's because that I'm not them that I can't be like them.
I stand my ground and I match my father eye-to-eye, but like it always does the anger begins to give way to the overwhelming hurt that washes over me like an ocean wave.
And I've never let anyone see me cry.
I turn swiftly and I grab the door handle, but I pause.
I so desperately want him to see what is happening to me. I give him so many hints, but he ignores them. Maybe something more direct...maybe something more truthful to me...
"I knew a young boy once..." I hear myself say, my voice such a contrast from the heated yelling and rage down now to a soft whisper. "He loved his family, adored and admired each of them, especially his father. He looked to him like he was a Hero, a God. I didn't know him very long though, he died a long time ago."
I pause again, this is it.
"He died because he realized...that he was never what they wanted...and for that they didn't want him."
I slam the door behind me as I leave.
Solitude is currently my only companion.
As always after a fight with my father I seek a lonely spot on my island home where no one will find me. I won't go back for hours yet, I only go back when it starts to get dark, but right now I'm feeling like I don't ever want to go back. I feel like I could flee far from this wretched place, leave it and them all behind and never have to worry or think about them again.
But I know I won't do that, because I love the Thunderbirds too deeply to just leave them behind. It would also mean I'd be giving up on the very thing I've been fighting my whole life to do and I can't live with that.
But perhaps I will stay out tonight. I'll probably get into another argument with dad about being selfish and asking what the hell I was thinking staying out here all night and that the island has it's dangers, but I don't particularly care.
Just after throwing another stone into the water and I feel a hand touch my shoulder and it scares me half to death! I spin around.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
I come face to face with the smiling expression of TinTin, one of her hands on my shoulder. I think I seek a flicker of concern in her eyes too, but I choose to ignore it. How the hell had she found me?
I shrug and turn from her again, picking up another stone to throw it.
"Alan, they're all worried about you...I'm worried about you...I don't like seeing you hurt."
"Worried about the next time I'll sneak into their precious machines." I mutter under my breath with a tone suggesting they cared more about the Thunderbirds than me; sometimes that's even what it felt like.
"You know that's not true... They love you. Your dad just doesn't understand you, he just thinks he's protecting you, when really he's hurting you, a lot...right?"
Damnit, how can she see through me like that!
"No." I reply. It's a giant lie and I know TinTin will know it is too, but I won't admit it.
"Man, you Tracy guys are all the same, so stubborn! Well don't you lie to me Alan Tracy; I'm not just going to ignore this like it's going to go away. I care about you too much to see you like this, so you be honest with someone for once!"
"Why!" I throw the stone then turn round to look at TinTin. "Why should I open up to anyone! Why should I trust anyone with the truth! God, I give all of them so many glimpses and hints, but they're all so blind to it! They don't care! Why should I put myself out only to get everything thrown back in my face again!"
I turn around, a sting in my eyes that I try hard to rub away with my fingers then I hide my face in my hands.
"Because I'm not blind." TinTin came up and wrapped her arms around me. I do care, and I won't throw it back in your face Alan... I'm here for you, I always have been."
I feel her arms around me and even though I want more than anything to be alone right now something about her presence comforts me.
"I'm used to keeping it to myself, I've grown up like that." I say quietly.
"You don't have to be alone Alan. Ever."
"There's no one to hurt you when you're alone." I whisper the admission.
"There's no-one to love you either. They all love you, Alan, they just, don't really know you either?"
"No one does." I say. "No one knows me at all and no one seems to want to either." I slowly turn in TinTin's embrace and I look at her. "Tell me TinTin? Is all anyone sees of me, is all you see of me is a selfishness, arrogant and untrustworthy brat?"
I watched as TinTin smiled softly and put her hand on my cheek.
"I'll tell you what I see... I see a brave, strong, talented, trustworthy young man who's waiting for the chance to prove just how great he can be. And your family knows it too, deep down."
"Then why?" I ask with a heavy sigh.
"I don't know Alan. I really don't know."
I close my eyes and tense in TinTin's arms, pulling slowly from her eventually and walking right up to the flowing tide, staring out across the ocean and the horizon.
"Maybe dad is the only one who has to accept things." I say quietly. "Maybe I have to just accept that I'm not who they want me to be and I never will be."
"No Alan, you shouldn't have to change who you are for them, they're the ones who are wrong here, you just want to belong, and you have a right to that. Don't let them tell you who to be, just be yourself. If they see who you truly are, what's really inside, behind all the rebellion, I know they'll love you just for being you... Like I do."
I slowly sit down on the sand as I listen to TinTin's words, the fuelled belief and passion behind them. It makes me smile faintly.
It felt good to know that there was someone in this world who could see me for who I was.
"You like a argumentative, selfish and high-tempered brat for a friend huh?" I ask, almost in a teasing tone. "Probably the only one who does."
"I know, I'm a great humanitarian that way. Glutton for punishment." She sat down beside me. "One day Alan, they'll all see you how I see you, and then nothing will stand in the way of your dreams. I promise."
"What makes you so sure?" I ask, turning my head to look at her.
"Woman's intuition, we know these things."
"Oh yeah? Guys could do with some intuition." I murmur under my breath, but I smile at TinTin gratefully. Somehow she always makes things seem and feel better.
Damn, how does she do it?
"Don't worry Alan, it'll all work out alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end. Chin up." She said as he began to ruffle my hair.
"Hey! No touching the hair!" I objected, trying to get her hands away from my head, but I was smiling and it made her laugh.
"Too much time near Virgil. I thought it was supposed to be 'fashionably' messy already?"
"Tell him that, not me!" I hear myself laugh and TinTin laughs all the more because of it and it makes me happy, if only for that one moment in time everything disappears and I'm just being me.
My eye catches a look of the villa and slowly I exhale loudly and look at the sand.
"I'm not going back yet TinTin. I...I can't face them yet."
"You've got to face them sometime Alan. Sooner might be better than later?"
I shake my head, this is the one time TinTin won't win the argument.
"Not yet." I say again. "Soon, but not yet."
I look at TinTin and bit my bottom lip.
"I err..." I swallow hard. I don't want to sound like I'm pushing her away, because I'm not. "I just...would like some time to myself, please?" I ask as politely as I can.
I watched as TinTin's face fell a little, feeling a bit guilty for pushing her away, but I so badly just wanted some time alone.
"I understand Alan. I'll see you later. It'll be okay, promise." She leaned over and kissed my cheek before she left.
I blink almost stupidly for a moment before I slowly reach up, my fingers brushing the spot on my cheek that TinTin had kissed.
Woah. She'd never done that before.
Um...woah.
I feel myself blushed a little and turn my head, but my eyes keep track of her as she heads back to the villa.
I wonder what I've done to deserve a friend like her.
Damage control with dad was hard. It's always hard. Jeff and Alan Tracy, two completely opposing forces that build up against each other until they crash and send the whole place into chaos. The kid loves to rile dad up and dad can't help but respond in the only way he knows how. And what results is a shouting match of epic proportions.
I know why Alan seeks solitude in the silos, hell, I'm guilty of it myself, my Thunderbird is my pride and joy, often the only calming steady force in my life, Alan doesn't have a 'Bird of his own, he doesn't get the chance, but he responds to the call of our 'Birds just the same as we do.
He and Tin-Tin have been out on the beach. Good for her, at least she gives him the time of day, the rest of us have so much else on our plates, we just never make time for Alan. It's wrong, we all know it is, but we don't know him, and because we don't know him, we don't even try. Usually he's just a pain in the ass, but he's our brother, and it's not his fault we don't understand who he is, none of us get the chance and if we did we probably wouldn't take it.
You go sprout, they'll understand, they'll listen, even when the rest of the world doesn't, they always do. I follow at a distance.
I checked first to make sure no one was following me. I didn't particularly want to end up in another titanic argument with dad, but the prospect of it didn't really bother me as I crept down the hallways towards the Thunderbird silos.
I wouldn't touch them, I wouldn't get right up close to them, all I wanted was to sit in solitude and look at them.
I crept into Thunderbird 1's Silo, making doubly sure no one was following. I knew Scott would kill me if he caught me so much as ten miles near his 'bird, but she was the top of the fleet in my books. Sleek and fast and her speeding grace agility through the skies, she fascinated me.
I know better than to follow right on his tail, however annoying baby brothers can be I know not to sell them short, I know Alan's not stupid, I know he's done this a million times and I know he'll probably do it a million times more until dad finally takes his aspirations of being a Thunderbird seriously.
I notice Virgil stand to follow me, he's seen that look in my eye, but I wave him off and tell him to get dad. If I know what Alan's thinking, I think dad should see this; maybe then he'll take the kid seriously.
A few minutes later I find myself sitting in Thunderbird 1's silo. I'm not near her, I'm sitting near the door just looking, watching, staring at her in admiration for her steeled beauty.
The number of dreams I've had to have the chance to fly her, to be the one to pilot her into the danger zone, to handle her controls with my own flare that was uniquely different to Scott's but with the same care and focus that Scott handled her.
"Thunderbird 1. Reconnaissance craft." I hear myself murmuring Thunderbird 1's stats as though they were water rolling off my tongue; I know them all by heart. "Top speed 15,000 mph, first to reach the scene to assess the situation..."
I knew I'd beat them to it, slow-assed brother and old man, but I'm glad, Alan intrigues me so when he comes to stare at my 'bird. I stop by the telescopic foreleg of my brother's great green machine and fold my arms, I can see him but he's far too preoccupied to notice me, he wouldn't even if I was in plain sight. It's funny, he looks at my 'Bird with almost as much love as I do.
I know it's lust for Alan though, I know he's longing for a Thunderbird to call his own, a chance to be a Thunderbird, he doesn't understand how difficult it is, that its not all about being heroic and saving the world.
I hear him murmuring the specs for 'One, I smile affectionately. He just wants a chance, I get it, but I know he'll regret it once it's his. All he wants is to be in on the excitement, he's not thinking about the rest of it, how serious it is, he's just an adrenaline junkie, like me, I guess.
I finish saying Thunderbird 1's stats then sigh softly, leaning my head back against the silo wall to look up at Thunderbird 1.
"Yeah, me again." I say softly as if the great craft were alive, a part of me believes they are.
"Getting tired and sick of seeing me are you? Hmmm? What that? I'll get in trouble? Oh you should know by now that I get into trouble all the time so nothing new really."
I hoped no one could hear me, they'd think I had gone mad.
But here, alone with Thunderbird 1 for silent company, this is a chance to express my thoughts and feelings to something that wouldn't answer back and wouldn't tell a soul.
That gave me comfort and courage enough to speak.
"You don't know what it's like living under the shadows of heroes. You don't know what it's like being the youngest in a family of saviours. I don't have mom to run to for comfort anymore, I used to go to dad too, but you know how it is' things change, life can be cruel and heartless, but it goes on and waits for no one. Speed is your domain, you don't know what it's like to get left behind in the dust when you wish so badly for just one moment, one chance even if it only lasted for a second to be a part of something special."
I sigh again, more heavily this time and my eyes go skyward, my focus on the brilliant red nosecone of Thunderbird 1, but my gaze staring off beyond that, beyond this island, beyond the birds the clouds, up higher towards the stars, even beyond Thunderbird 5.
A song I remember listening to a few days ago, one of my favourites actually, springs to my mind as clear as the words dad has embedded on my skull.
I hum at first, quietly and comparatively, but quickly I find myself singing the words to no one but Thunderbird 1 and myself.
"And how can you learn what's never shown? Yeah, you stand here on your own. They don't know me, 'cause I'm not here. And I want a moment to be real, wanna touch things I don't feel, wanna hold on and feel I belong. And how can the world want me to change? They're the ones that stay the same. They don't know me, 'cause I'm not here."
My gaze focuses back on Thunderbird 1 itself and I feel the corners of my lips curl upwards as I sing the next words, the meaning in them so symbolic it was almost as if Fate had created this song just for me.
"And you see the things they never see. All you wanted I could be. Now you know me and I'm not afraid. And I wanna tell you who I am. Can you help me be a man? They can't break me as long as I know who I am."
I feel a lump form in my throat as I hear Alan talking to my 'Bird, holding a conversation in fact. He has no idea how similar to me he is. When I can't talk to John or Virg or Dad, in fact usually before I speak to them, I come to Her first. She doesn't judge, after all.
I hear Dad's footsteps echo in the silo.
"Scott, what-"
I hold up a hand sharply to silence his murmur before he alerts Alan to our presence.
So maybe it's not all about the thrill of the ride, maybe he just wants to feel like he belongs in this family. Do we really treat him so thoughtlessly that he doesn't even feel like he's one of us, a Tracy if not a Thunderbird?
I feel dad's presence behind me but I hardly notice as Alan looks up wistfully and begins to sing to himself, more truthfully than anything he's ever said to any of us. I feel that lump in my throat tighten, the burning in my eyes that I'm not allowed to show, the tears of sympathy for a brother who feels so alone, so misunderstood in his own family he has to go to a voiceless machine to share his feelings with. I know dad feels it too, I can hear him breathe a little more unevenly, and feel a hand tighten on my shoulder.
I want to go to Alan, tell him that we're here for him, that we understand, but we don't, not yet, and Tracy men don't cry, especially in front of baby brothers. So we stay silently observing, the reality of the situation hitting us both like a tidal wave.
As I keep singing I feel a strange stinging in the corner of my eyes. I try to banish it, but it only gets worse as I continue. I could stop and hide it, but I don't want to. Keeping these raging feelings that are as explosive as the volcanic arguments that dad and I have locked inside is affecting me, how could it not? They feel like they're physically tearing me apart and it's so painful, this is the only way that, temporarily, where no one can see, I can release them.
"They can't tell me who to be, 'cause I'm not what they see. Yeah, the world is still sleeping while I keep on dreaming for me. And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe."
A single little rivulet of wet silver runs down my face and for the very few times in my life I let it.
"And I want a moment to be real, wanna touch things I don't feel, wanna hold on and feel I belong. And how can you say I'll never change? They're the ones that stay the same. I'm the one now, 'cause I'm still here..."
My voice cracks with each last line I sing as the tears come faster, my eyes blinking rapidly to dispel them.
"I'm still here..."
I bow my head, bringing my knees up and wrapping my arms around them.
"Tracy men don't cry..." I whisper, leaving the meaning hanging in the air and burrow my head in my knees, my shoulders and my body shaking.
I flinch as I hear those bitter words of his, embedded deep into each of us as a mantra, that we Tracys don't show weakness. Alan's got the expectations of dad and the weight of the rest of us bearing down on him, no wonder he's so suffocated around us.
I want more than anything to go and throw my arms around him, reassure him that he's not as alone as he thinks, but I think that right now he needs his solitude, he needs this escape from the rest of us, this private sanctuary where he can say how he feels and not worry about the rest of us. I think it would do more damage than good, embarrass him, at least let him recover his dignity, have his 'secrets' with Thunderbird One, then dad can finally sort this out, show him that we're here.
I turn back and see the redness in his eyes as clearly as I know it's visible in mine, and he nods in understanding. Dad has always done a much better job of understanding me than any of the others, as they all say I'm like Jeff Junior already. But I think Alan's a lot more similar to dad than he realizes, maybe that's what dad can't handle.
Wincing at the thought of leaving him crying like this I suck it up and begin to walk away nevertheless.
Alan needs someone to understand, he's entitled to his time with the 'Bird.
I don't know how much time has past when I finally look back up at Thunderbird 1, my eyes swollen, red and puffy, my face tear-streaked. I rub my eyes hard, probably not the best thing to do, to rid myself of the wet trails.
"Don't tell them I cried okay?" I ask Thunderbird 1. "And please don't tell them what I said, let's keep it our little secret, yeah? Thank you."
I slowly pick myself up, rubbing my irritating eyes again before heading out of the silo.
I just want to go to bed now.
I close my bedroom door behind me as I enter my dark room that becomes darker still when I close the curtains.
I'm physically exhausted from the constant arguments with dad and mentally drained from the mass release of my emotions earlier in Thunderbird 1's silo. I can't stop a yawn when it comes and I let myself collapse on my bed, still fully clothed, and curl around myself on top of the bed sheets with my arms under the pillows.
I thank God every day for my sons and how wise they can be sometimes.
Can you imagine settling down to a coffee and a pile of paperwork as long as my arm being interrupted to be dragged downstairs so I can witness the emotional trauma of my youngest son as he cries his worries out to an inanimate object because no-one else will listen to it?
My god that was a wake-up call.
I felt like the worst father in the world standing in that silo with Scott hearing Alan confess how much of a stranger, an outsider he feels in his own family, how none of us will give him the time of day or treat him with any kind of respect most of the time. I know my boys all have stresses on them, that it's easiest to take it out on Alan just because he's youngest, but my god I never realized how deep Alan's hurts ran, after we argued today- after every argument we have- I always feel guilty, heartless that we don't understand each other, that we can't communicate without shouting, it didn't used to be that way.
God Lucy was always so much better at this kind of thing than me, when she died the boys lost a part of their dad too, and I regret it, I regret how I handle Alan. I just want to make amends, right the wrongs of the past, show him that I'm here for him, that we all are, that we want to understand. I just hope it's not too late to repair the damage.
I knock hesitantly on his door- first new rule, stop barging in on him and ordering him around like a trained pup, it's all reverse psychology to Alan, you tell him to do something and he'll do the opposite. "Alan, can I come in?"
As soon as my head touched the pillow I was asleep and already dreaming.
I'm sitting in the middle of one of the many shores of Tracy Island, watching the tide sweeping in and out, almost up to my bare feet.
On the one side stand my father and my brothers, decked in their Thunderbird flight suits, laughing and talking among themselves. I see TinTin, Fermat and everyone else I know, even a few I don't know, talking with them. None of them notice me, none of them turn to acknowledge my presence.
On the other side I see a small boy, a small boy with short dirty blond hair and bright blue eyes playing in the sand. His chubby little hands scoop up some of the golden grains and watch them fall from his fingers, completely fascinated by them. Then, as if he hears a voice, he turns his head and yells with delight, "Mom!"
I watched him run down the other end of the beach away from me, arms outstretched towards a young woman with light brown hair and the same sparkling blue eyes. Her face is alight with a dazzling smile and I hear her laugh in an affectionate, motherly way as she picks up the young boy in her arms, swinging him around before kissing his face.
All dreams mean something, that was one of the most important things John used to tell me when I was little, so I start to wonder exactly what this dream is telling me.
On the one hand it's showing me my obvious and powerful feelings of loneliness, cut off from my own family. On the other hand it's showing me something else.
What does it mean?
Wait.
Mom?
No wonder the woman looks so familiar to me...and is the child...me?
Is this what I'm longing for so deeply buried inside that I've missed it altogether?
Mom was always there for me when I needed her. She never judged me, never pushed me away, never shouted at me or told me I was being stupid or silly. I remember when I used to be scared of worms because they reminded me of snakes. My brothers laughed at me and dad said I was being silly, but mom held me tight and told me not to be scared and offered to me her love and devotion.
She was only there for such a short time in my life, it was like one minute she was there and the next she was gone. I don't remember crying for her that much after she died.
Maybe...
Maybe that's part of the problem.
Tracy men don't cry...
Ever since mom died, dad told us we had to be strong, that we shouldn't cry because it meant we weren't being strong if we did.
I knew my brothers used to cry for mom at night when they were alone, tucked up in bed, crying so softly that no one could hear them, but I didn't cry because I didn't want dad to think I was weak, I didn't want mom to think that either.
I never got to cry for mom, it's part of that pain that is a fuel for the rest.
And I can't turn to mom anymore, so I've got no one else.
Just myself.
I don't receive an answer, maybe he's sulking and just ignoring me, maybe he's got his headphones on and can't hear me over the music, it is late, maybe he's asleep?
One of the most important things my mother has imparted to me over the years is never to let the sun go down on an argument, going to sleep angry or hurting isn't good, unfortunately I've lost sight of that particular advice over the years, but I'd hate for Alan to continue feeling so alone, so hurt by the rest of us for any longer than necessary, I'm not gonna put this off any longer. Whenever I can't face Lucy's pictures anymore out of shame in myself I know it's time to act, and this time it's serious, she would never forgive me for leaving one of our boys in the hurt that Alan's in right now, and neither would I.
Steeling myself for an outraged verbal explosion at defiling the privacy of a son's room by just charging in there I push the door open, my eyes scanning the darkness and chaos of a teenager's bedroom for a sign of my son.
Asleep, not even in the bed, just collapsed on top of it in a heap hugging the pillows. I step closer and come to stand by the bed, looking down at my youngest, so like Lucy but with all of my bad traits of temper, stubbornness and argumentative spirit. I never saw eye to eye with my father either, and I couldn't stand for injustice any more than Alan can, I just never saw that I was the one wronging him until today.
Ruefully I smile, internally apologizing to Lucy, my father- god rest his soul- and Alan for all the mistakes I've made in the course of my sons' lives, especially Alan's, and reach out my hand to stroke through his unruly mop of hair affectionately, he looks troubled in sleep, contemplative, and in fascination of a life that I helped create but seemingly have unwittingly done much to ignore I perch lightly on the edge of the bed, observing the stubborn, tough but still so innocent young adult I don't take the time to see otherwise.
I close my eyes and when I feel someone's touch on my shoulders I inhale deeply. The scent of Lavender floods my nose and I hear a soft laugh behind me. The arms move down to rest on my chest, holding me to the spot as light brown hair touched my shoulder and a motherly kiss is place on my right temple.
God...just her presence near me again...makes me remember just how much I miss her.
But Tracy men don't cry.
I keep myself still as she moved against my back and her voice flows into my ears.
"So much pain, yet your still so young, my little Alan."
I remember when she used to call me that...
"It hurts you more because it's locked away in here..." her hand moves over my heart.
"There's no where else for it to go." I hear myself say.
"It shouldn't be there at all." she replies.
"Alan, your family loves you so much. Your father loves you so much. I love you so much."
"I want to believe you..." I say.
"You should believe me. I'm your mother. Have I ever lied to you before?"
I can't tell if this is my consciousness fighting with my subconscious or if this is something more, but whatever it is it's slowly breaking my defences and my resolve, I can feel it eating away at the barriers.
"Have I?"
I shake my head, "No."
"So why should I start now?"
I sigh heavily, shaking my head and lowering it, attempting to keep myself together.
Tracy men don't cry.
"You're dead." I say bluntly.
"How can I be dead if I'm here?" She asked me.
"This isn't real, it's just a dream." I state.
"But dreams mean something, don't they? Isn't a dream a wish that your heart makes?"
If that's true, I really must be longing for mom.
"I miss you mom." I whisper, but more loudly than I know, loud enough to speak it in my sleep.
I can tell she's smiling.
"I know Alan, I miss you too, and I miss all of you. You've all grown up with truthful and spirited hearts and souls, I'm proud of you all."
"How can you be proud of me?" I ask. "How can anyone be proud of me? What have I ever done that should be proud of?"
"More than you know." She replied cryptically, I guess I'm not going to get a straight answer. "Give them a chance Alan. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect and no one is the same. You don't need these walls and this barrier around you."
"Yes I do." I say. "I think it's one of the only things that's kept me sane."
I sigh and bite my bottom lip; can I ask her what I can ask no one else?
"Tracy men don't cry mom...I cry...what does that make me?" My voice cracks and again it can be heard not only by our ears, though I don't know it.
She smiles and turns my face towards her, finding myself staring deep into passionate, affectionate, sparkling eyes.
"It makes you one of the bravest young men in the world, not because of the glory of what you could be, but because of what and who you are now."
He doesn't stir, which is good, he'd probably be very indignant to find me watching him, being nostalgic and fatherly and feeling sorry for myself. I make to stand and leave, I don't want to wake him if he's resting this deeply, after the emotional stress of today he probably needs it, but something he murmurs halts me, 'I miss you mom'. It's not like a musing, it's like half of a conversation.
I miss her too Allie, more than I let on, but I know that you boys know it. I relax again, wondering if he'll speak again, getting back to studying his features, his similarities to Lucy and myself, like a game of Where's Waldo, searching for something I haven't decided on yet.
I'm so caught up in my own thoughts he almost startles me when he speaks again, and I think he's woken up till I see his eyes still fluttering in dreams, it breaks my heart to hear it.
'Tracy men don't cry mom...I cry...what does that make me?'
Oh Alan...what have I done to you, what have I done to you all by forcing you to grow up so soon, putting you under the same stress as me to try and get by. My baby boy, you're so much more than a Tracy, so much more of a man than I realized, so much pain for someone so young. I feel my eyes burning, my own rule coming into my mind and being squashed instantaneously.
Why should it be a weakness to cry? Why shouldn't my boys be able to show what they're feeling, the pain and the hurt, it's not as if I'd notice it otherwise. I let the tears flow, for Lucy, for my boys, for myself, for what I've done to us all. I'm sorry Alan.
She smiles at me and stands up. I stand up with her, still looking at her.
"You have a chance Alan, to make things right. You're a part of this family. You are a Tracy, my son. Tracy men do cry, because every other person in this world cries." Her hand touched my cheek. "Someday you will be standing beside your father and your brothers, I promise you Alan, just wait a little longer and it will come to you, you'll see."
I shiver as her hand leaves me face and she kissed my forehead again before begin to walk away down the beach.
My eyes are stinging again, but I let the tears fall, for mom, for the pain, for me.
Everything is turning dark, maybe I'm waking up, but I can still feel myself crying, my sobs are getting louder.
I think he's waking up, through my own tears I can see them start to trail down his face, his breathing becoming more ragged as he starts to sob. I reach forward and pull him into my arms as if he were nothing more than a baby, cradling him against my chest.
"Alan, it's alright, it's alright son." I soothe, rocking him slightly and shaking his shoulders lightly to wake him up from his dream, I feel Lucy's presence with me now, stronger than ever, prompting me to make things right with not just Alan, but all of them, for any time they've had to suffer in silence because of me.
My poor Alan, I'm so sorry.
"I'm sorry Alan, I'm sorry." I sob myself, unable to hold back any longer the tears that I never allowed myself to cry, for all of them, "So sorry son, I'm so sorry..." I murmur into my hand, obscuring my face as he leans against me, too far gone to stop it now even if I wanted to.
"D-Dad?"
My face is streaked with tears when I wake and as I open my eyes and see the sight before me I have to wonder at first if I'm still asleep and dreaming this.
But hearing the sobs...these distressed tears coming from my father...it's all too real not to be.
"Dad...you're...you're crying..." I state the obvious in a hushed tone but with a hint of awe and disbelief attached to it; I can't remember the last time I saw dad cry.
Sniffling unrestrainedly to try and get a handle on myself I reign in the sobs and raise my eyes to my newly awakened son, about as surprised as I am about my state.
"Oh God Alan, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I repeat, hugging him to me as if it will somehow stem the flow of tears when I'm sure it's really just making them worse. "Don't... be ashamed to cry, Alan, never be afraid to show how you're feeling. I'm sorry son, I'm sorry I've hurt you, I'm sorry I'm so hard on you..."
The words stick in my throat, I don't like acknowledging how much of an ass I've been, how much I've messed up with my sons, but he needs to hear it and I sure as hell need to admit it or nothing will ever change.
I must be still dreaming. I really can't believe what I'm hearing.
Dad admitting that's he's messed up a bit, and to me of all people!
But it's real, very real, the tears that slide down his face and those eyes looking sorrowful and guilty pierce me as though I had caused it.
My barriers and walls are breaking, I can't hold back the flood I know is coming.
My father is crying in front of me and it makes me cry with him.
I bury my face against his chest, grasping on to him like that small boy I saw at the beach, only frightened and scared to face what this means, but wanting to hold on to it nevertheless.
I must be a Tracy after all...
I wrap my arms around him tightly, shaking and feeling the new wave of tears come as he clutches on to me as if afraid one of us will slip away. I bury my face in his hair, rubbing my hands up and down his back as I used to do when he had a nightmare and came to me scared in the middle of the night, when Lucy was still around and I was still a dad.
"I'm so proud of you Alan, I'm proud of how strong you are, and how brave you are, I'm sorry I don't pay you enough attention son, but you are so much more than a Tracy, Alan, I love you." It's muffled against his hair but I said it, and I don't say it enough, I'm far too proud and stubborn for my own good, just like the child in my arms. We need to make things better around here, for all of our sakes.
"I-"
"Dad? Alan?"
I turn my head and see my three older brothers all standing outside my room.
Damnit. They must've heard me...or dad.
Normally I would back off immediately, retreat into myself and deny anything had happen, but this time I can't.
I don't know why, I just feel I can't.
Dad is taking a step, it's only right that I should too, that lesson I learnt from him.
As if my brothers weren't there I look back at dad and I say clearly, for all to hear and for all to know, "I love you too dad, and I'm sorry as well."
I smile proudly at Alan and put my hand on his shoulder, squeezing tightly, saying softly.
"Thank you Alan, you'll never know how proud I am to be able to call you my son." I glance back to my other three, standing in the doorway, and I don't miss the knowing shine in Scott's eyes, coughing lightly to dispel the tremble so that I can actually be coherent I announce, "There's gonna be some changes made in this family, by all of us. To be here for each other, to be more considerate, more supportive, more understanding, and less quick to anger. We're gonna start being a family again. It's gonna be tough, and we're all only human, but it's what we've got to do. It's what your mother would've wanted...it's what I want. Now come over here and give your brother and old man a hug." I say dryly and instantly regret it as a pile of young men launch themselves laughingly on top of us on a relatively small single bed.
I haven't let go of Alan's shoulder, he needs this the most, he needs to feel like one of us again, needs to believe he's worth the Tracy name that I've so squandered and sullied with my actions over the past twelve years since Lucy left us. And maybe he won't have to sit in a silo to resolve his problems, or maybe at least he'll have his own 'Bird to tell, rather than Scott's.
Is this what being crushed to death is like? It sure damn does feel close to it as my brothers pile on top of me and dad.
I'm on the receiving end of a huge from Gordon first and a hair-ruffle from Virgil and a more composed embrace from Scott. I feel, for what seems like the first time, the love from each of them and from dad as his hand still lingers on my shoulder.
It makes me smile.
It makes me laugh with them.
"Alright, alright. I'm feeling the need for air here boys." I chuckle as each of them gives me a hug for good measure before jumping off.
"Gee dad, no need to go getting all mushy on us." Gordon teases and I roll my eyes and wave them off.
"Isn't it about time for dinner, go and pester Onaha." I laugh as the mention of food sends their energy in a whole other direction, charging off towards sustenance. The Tracy family may be infamous for their tempers, but they're no less well known for always thinking with their stomachs.
Scott moves a little slower to allow him to catch my eye before charging off after his younger brothers, he may fly the fastest craft in the world but he'll be hard pushed to catch up with the younger ones when food is on the line.
I glance back at Alan with affection evident in my eyes and I know he's at least realized that we're here, and that we love him, even if we don't show it enough. I hope the look in my eyes shows promise for change, for a hopeful future where he doesn't feel so alone, and can finally become part of the team as I know he's dreamed for so long. I stand from the bed too and smile warmly at him.
"I promise Alan, things are gonna change, you don't have to feel alone, ever. We're always here for you, you'll always be a Tracy, and I'll always love you. Never forget it."
Part of me inside still protests; everything inside me has been kicked up into a massive fight by what has just happened and it'll take time for it to calm down, but this at least, at last, is a start.
Perhaps dad wasn't the only one who was wrong and I have to admit that, especially to myself.
I have to change some parts of me as much as anyone else has to.
"I know." I finally say. "I believe you."
"Good boy." I nod, squeezing his shoulder again before moving for the door. "It'll take some time, but it'll happen, we'll get there, together. Now come down for dinner. When a Tracy son doesn't eat, that's the time to start worrying."
He'll probably want to be alone for a while, digest this, it's like going from zero to sixty in a second, but I know he'll handle it, this boy's been a fighter all his life, if he wants to change things, he'll change them, and hopefully he won't keep quiet about his problems any longer.
I look over the youngest child of Lucy's and mine, and I realize, somewhat sadly, that he's not a child anymore, I can't wrap him up in cotton wool and keep the harsh realities of life away from him, if anything I've probably been inviting them in, but this young man has grown up, whether I like it or not, and it's time to start acknowledging that.
Yes, there are going to be some changes alright, no avoiding that. I promise Alan, they'll be changes for the better.
I look at my father squaring in the eyes, seeing everything that he's saying in there, knowing he means every word.
I do too dad, I hope you can see that in my eyes.
Yes, it will take time and it'll be hard for me to open up, but I promise I'll make the effort to do so, I promise I won't shy away as I have been.
I'm only human, but I am a Tracy andnot just any Tracy.
I'm Alan Tracy, don't forget it.
"Come on dad, the situation is hopeless!"
"No it's not, there's still time! We have people working on the ground for us."
"Alan! He's just a kid!"
"He's a Tracy."
It's good to see the sun and feel this place
This place I never thought would feel like home
And I ran forever, far away
And I always thought I'd end up here alone
And somehow the world has changed and I've come home
To give you back the things they took from you
And I feel you now
I'm not alone
I'll always know where you are
When I see myself I'll always know where you are
Where you are
And I found something that was always there
Sometimes it's gotta hurt before you feel it
But now I'm strong and I won't kneel
Except to thank who's watching over me
And somehow I feel so strong and I've begun
To be the one I never thought I'd be
And I feel you now
I'm not alone
I'll always know where you are
Where I see myself I'll always know where you are
Where you are
Now it's all so clear and I believe
That everything's been opened up to me
And I feel you now
I'm not alone
I'll always knowI'll always know where you are
When I see myself I'll always know where you are
When I feel the sun I'll always know where you are
When I see myself I'll always know where you are
Where you are
FIN