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"Anywhere" -- Chapter 9: World On Fire
By The Last Princess of Hyrule
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"Hearts break, hearts mend,
Love still hurts,
Visions clash, planes crash,
Still there's talk of saving souls,
Still the cold is closing in on us,
Play on, play on . . ."
-Sarah McLachlan, "World On Fire"
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Hitomi shivered as she walked along a pathway swathed in mist, following a woman with clouded eyes and wild red hair who seemed too perfect to be real. The path twisted along the edge of a jagged cliff only a few feet from where the land ended abruptly and plunged into the churning black sea far below. On her right opposite the cliff, a dark forest filled with gloomy, foreboding trees rose up to touch the sky.
This place was very old. Hitomi could somehow sense it, though she couldn't see more than a meter in front of her with the heavy fog and the darkness looming all around. She may as well have been as blind as her guide.
The woman walked confidently ahead, her footsteps causing little swirls of mist to rise up and settle back down as she moved. It reminded Hitomi a little of how she imagined the ascent to heaven, lifted up through the clouds of bitter mortality by a white-winged angel.
The woman, with her brilliant hair and roseate-hued skin, stood out against the aged landscape, like a bright red rose in a world locked in cold winter. "You must wait here," she said as she stopped.
Hitomi looked around, feeling as though she were standing in a sacred place not meant to be disturbed. "What's going to happen?"
"Your angel is coming," answered the roseate woman.
"What do you mean? Who?"
"'The human heart, at whatever age, opens only to the heart that opens in return.' That is an Earth saying, is it not?"
"It could be, but I've never heard it." Hitomi noticed she didn't refer to the Earth as the Mystic Moon like other Gaeans. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"I suppose it is not very well known," said the roseate with a shrug, the most human thing she had done since Hitomi met her. "In any case, you will have found yours by now."
"My what?"
"You haven't?" The roseate looked shocked. "That will not do at all. If you do not know, then you should not be here. This is a place for those from whom they have become separate. Then the one who is coming cannot be yours." She spoke rapidly in a quiet voice, and Hitomi could only understand half of what she said.
"What are you talking about? I don't understand what you mean."
The roseate ignored Hitomi's questions and looked worriedly over her shoulder farther up the path. She seemed to forget Hitomi's presence completely. "Then your angel . . . he is not . . . you have not found . . ." She shook her head as if to deny something. "Impossible. There are no mistakes. You must not have realized . . . yet . . . or will not . . ."
"Who?!" Hitomi demanded.
The roseate spun around to face Hitomi through a whirl of mist caused by her movement. She suddenly seemed otherworldly again. "You will have to go on from here alone. You must meet him."
"Who? How will I know where to find him?" asked Hitomi.
"You can go anywhere," said her guide, "but you will know where you want to be when you get there."
The fog thickened and enveloped the roseate. Hitomi called out to her, wanting to ask more, but her guide faded away, leaving Hitomi alone. She stood still for a moment, thinking about the roseate's last words, then slowly continued up the path in the direction the roseate said her angel would come from.
I must be dead, Hitomi suddenly realized, if I'm supposed to be looking for an angel. Maybe he'll lead me to heaven.
As she walked, Hitomi saw a figure take shape through the fog, coming toward her. When they were only a few feet away, she saw him look up, and as he recognized her, she noted the look of surprise that came to his face. It was probably the same one that came to hers.
"Hitomi?"
Suddenly the world shifted, and Hitomi was pulled from the action to somewhere in the sky where she became only an observer. On the ground, she saw herself, still on the path, suddenly dash forward and leap into his arms. "I can't believe this!" she heard herself crying. Her other self clung to the angel and began to weep. "I can't believe you're here! I can't believe it . . ." she whispered.
The angel wrapped his arms around her waist. "I said I would always be there to help you, and I will. I want to protect you." He kissed her cheek. "I love you."
What is this? Hitomi saw her other self look up at him, and somehow knew what she saw in his face. He had gentle, caring eyes, eyes filled with warmth and compassion that seemed so unusual in his familiar face.
"I love you too," her other self said. She reached up to stroke his cheek, but before her hand even touched him, the angel suddenly vanished in a shower of white sparks, and the world pitched into darkness . . .
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Hitomi screamed herself out of her nightmare and back into the real world with loud, echoing shrieks. She gasped and jolted upright, breathing heavily as she clutched a shaky hand to slow the rapid pounding of her heart.
It took a minute for her consciousness to convince her that it was only a dream and to calm down. The vivid images, the feel of his arms around her and the touch of his lips on her cheek, were so real. Even though she saw it away from herself, somehow she had still felt it. Hitomi took a deep breath and exhaled shakily. The only thing she couldn't remember clearly from the dream was the angel--her angel, the roseate had said--whose face was fading with her waking mind.
To distract herself from the dream, Hitomi stood up and looked around. As she did so, she remembered the previous night in Tenue, when a pillar of light came out of nowhere and took her out of danger.
The pillar of light had left her in a pile of white sandstone rubble, which bore distinct scorch marks. Several pieces of broken wooden posts lay on the ground beside her. Beneath where she slept was a tattered blanket stitched with bright shapes under the dirt and grime. It was a child's blanket, abandoned in haste in the ruin of a house.
Beyond the crumbling house, Hitomi could see an expanse of degenerating buildings--an entire ruined city--all of it blackened and broken from a brutal attack. Where she stood, she could tell it was a large city, though not as big as Tenue or Palas. It grew away from her in all directions like she was standing at its very center, and the sad gray remains seemed to melt into the ashen overcast sky.
"This is the capitol city of Fanelia. Or what's left of it."
Hitomi jumped and whirled around to face the person who seemed to have suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She met the piercing blue eyes of a young woman barely older than she, with short, pale-colored hair, dressed in a red Zaibach uniform.
"Are you the Girl from the Mystic Moon?" she asked immediately before Hitomi could speak. Her voice sounded strangely familiar, though Hitomi didn't think they had met.
"I'm no one," Hitomi answered automatically, wondering how the girl knew who she was. "Who's asking anyway?"
"My name is Celena. I'm looking for the Girl from the Mystic Moon."
Even her name sounded familiar, as if Hitomi had read it in a newspaper or heard it mentioned in gossip, leaving her with a very odd, removed sort of feeling reminiscent to dejá vu. Nevertheless, Hitomi kept up her guard. "What do you want with her?"
"I need to find her before someone else does."
"Who?"
"Dilandau Albatou."
Hitomi froze. Dilandau Albatou was the cold, merciless leader of the Dragonslayers, whose haunting face she knew from several encounters. He had a reputation for his cruelty she knew from stories circulating all across Gaea, and the rumor that he was searching for the fabled Girl from the Mystic Moon was ever prominent in them.
His pursuit for her was old news, but now that she was alone, Hitomi couldn't shake the feeling that she was unprotected and he was right beside her, instead of a different Zaibach soldier she might or might not know.
"He's after her power," Celena continued, "and he won't be stopped until he has it."
"What will you do if you find her?" asked Hitomi.
"I will use her power to fulfill the same purpose Dilandau seeks."
"And what's that?"
"I cannot remember."
Hitomi stared at her dumbfounded for a moment. "You can't remember?" she repeated.
"No."
"How can you not remember?"
"I can't."
Seeing the hopeless direction of their discussion, Hitomi changed subjects. "How did you get here?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean 'you don't know'?"
"I don't remember."
"You don't remember?"
"No."
"Where were you before you came here?"
"I don't know."
"You don't remember?"
"No."
"Do you remember anything?"
"No."
There was definitely something odd about Celena. How could a person not remember anything at all? Unless it was some kind of mental illness, such a vast memory loss had to be impossible. But lack of memory would explain Celena's willingness to answer Hitomi's questions without hesitation.
There's got to be more to Celena than she's telling me . . . or not telling me. Zaibach wouldn't let someone this mentally unstable wander around and spill all their secrets.
"Do you know anything about the Girl from the Mystic Moon?" asked Celena.
Hitomi shook her head. Well, if she really doesn't know who I am, I'm certainly not going to tell her.
"Sorry, I can't help you." She waved and started walking away. "Good luck." As she had hoped, Celena didn't move. She simply watched as Hitomi walked away, her face blank like a subject in a wax museum.
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/./You're letting her get away././ Dilandau pointed out.
/Who are you?/
/./Hello? I'm Dilandau. You know me././
/I don't know any Dilandau./
/./Come on, you were just talking about me././
/I don't know you./ Frustration filled her words.
/./What's wrong with you?/./
/Nothing./
/./This isn't still about the plan, is it?/./
/I don't know what you're talking about./
There was nothing else in her voice but irritation, and usually when Celena spoke in his mind, her words were a myriad of other feelings. Dilandau was starting to get worried. /./Celena? Are you okay?/./
/I don't know you. Stop talk to me./
/./Look, Celena, you'd better cut this out. I have no idea what's going on././
She didn't respond.
/./Come on, Celena. Are you mad? Don't be mad././
Silence.
/./Will you at least talk to me?/./
Continuing silence. She really has no idea what I'm saying . . . Dilandau realized. /./Well, shit if I'm just going to sit around and take this././
Though he wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with her, Dilandau reasoned that there had to be a way to get Celena to remember him. Somewhere in her mind, she knew him, but apparently, when the pillar of light picked them up in Tenue, that part had gone to sleep and moved out of her consciousness. Their situation was the same as it had been the day they arrived in Tenue, when Celena somehow walked with the use of her own body, and Dilandau was trapped somewhere in her mind.
He knew there had to be a way to switch back that he didn't know about yet. Celena must have done it the last time, but if he couldn't tell Celena to undo . . . whatever she'd done, he was stuck. Dilandau shuddered at the thought of being stuck forever. He had to get free, and he wasn't going to think about anything else until he did--especially not the chance to capture the Girl from the Mystic Moon that had slipped through Celena's fingers.
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The broken cobblestone street that Hitomi followed reminded her of Palas. She walked along at a meandering pace, not sure where she was going. She tried to keep her thoughts from going back to that day by kicking a scorched white rock in front of her. It was a smooth, half-moon shape missing a large chunk, and it rolled in a clunky, lopsided manner each time she kicked it. Of course, her mind wouldn't be deterred.
Everyone told Hitomi that she had descended from the Mystic Moon in order to save Gaea from the power of Atlantis, the ability to make the heart's desires real, but Hitomi wondered if her fate wasn't to destroy it completely. Death, destruction, and suffering followed her like a haunted shadow ever since she arrived. She tried so hard to use her power to benefit her friends, but all she managed was to make them suffer. She even ran off to Egzardia to keep them safe, but she just hurt someone else.
She sighed. Folken didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to fall victim to her power; he'd been through more than enough already. But it's not my fault he chose to come with me, Hitomi reasoned. Folken knew the reaches of her power. He knew exactly what he was getting into when he left Palas with her, what she was capable of doing to him. Anything that happened was his own fault.
"After all," she said aloud to the rock, "his coming with me completely defeats the purpose of trying to keep all my friends safe by staying away from them."
Hitomi stopped as she heard her words, and her rock tumbled off the street into a pile of debris. The thought surprised her--that she considered Folken a friend. Up until only a month ago, she knew him only as the Strategos of Zaibach, who stood at the source of the armies trying to capture her.
Their change in circumstances from enemies suddenly into allies was just as unexpected as the thought of friendship. Hitomi wasn't really sure what to make of it. On one hand, she remembered all the fear and havoc wreaked by Zaibach through Folken's plans, and how everyone assured her that he was purely evil. Then opposite that was everything she heard him say when they first met face-to-face in Fanelia, and everything she knew from her own experience.
But in that last week and a half, Hitomi discovered Folken wasn't anything she thought when they met. At first, he seemed closed-off and antisocial, showing no interest in the people around him and sometimes looking annoyed by them. That, Hitomi found, was far from true. In Tenue, when he was alone with Hitomi, Folken seemed completely different; he was relaxed, companionable, and even open.
That was something Hitomi took completely for granted in their time together. In her company, he spoke to her freely, but around anyone else, he carefully guarded his words and emotions. She never thought about it before, but now that he was gone, she seemed to be noticing all sorts of things like that.
A light rain started to fall from the clouds above her, which had grown a dark gray in the passing time. Hitomi forced her mind out of the pointless musings and back to the present. The matter of Celena still hung behind her, the ruins of Fanelia lay in front, and beyond them were the ashy remains of a burned forest. She had nowhere to go.
She still had her pendant, though--the object partially responsible for everything that happened to her. Hitomi unclasped it and held it out in front of her. It had taken her so far since her arrival on Gaea, and its powers could unravel the confusion. It had led her safely away from Asturia; perhaps it could do the same in Fanelia.
The words of the blind roseate woman from her dream suddenly sprung to mind. "You can go anywhere," she said, "but you will know where you want to be when you get there." Hitomi closed her eyes. Lead me there, she asked, swinging the pendant. Lead me where I want to be. It pointed right and she started off.
After half an hour of walking, Hitomi was no closer to anywhere than when she started. In fact, she was very much suspicious that she was walking in a big circle. She consulted the pendant for direction often, and every time it told her to take a right. In sheer frustration, Hitomi sank down on a broken stone bench and threw the pendant in the dust.
I can't do this anymore! I just can't do anything right.
All of it--the destiny of Gaea, her unnatural powers--everything centered around her was just too much. Tears came to Hitomi eyes. She simply couldn't do it--save a world she didn't like filled with people she didn't understand and didn't understand her. The pendant's magic worked from the messages of her heart, and if her heart found no reason to preserve Gaea, then her power would destroy it.
I don't care anymore, she declared. The gentle sprinkling of rain was falling faster now. As she lifted her face to the sky, the big drops splashed in her eyes and became indistinguishable among the tears. Why do I always have to feel completely helpless like this? Why can't I do anything right? Why does all this stuff have to happen to me anyway? And why don't I care?
Hitomi clasped her hands over temples and ran them through her hair, furrowing her brows in anguish. Every time I think about all the stuff I've done, I feel really bad, but now, it just doesn't matter anymore. Everyone I care about ends up getting hurt anyway. I try to leave, but I just find someone new and hurt them. I'm such a horrible person. Maybe if I stop caring, then everything'll be better.
She looked back down at the pendant. The rain had turned the dust into dull gray mud. She pushed a soaking strand of hair out of her eyes. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I wish this would all just end.
Then the rain stopped, as if someone had someone had simply turned it off like water from a faucet. Hitomi looked up through her tears to the underside of a white Dragon wing. She stood. What was the Escaflowne doing here in Fanelia? Had Folken returned to Asturia already and Van come to find her? She walked out into the rain and looked up at the pilot's seat. The pilot wasn't Van.
Folken . . .? Why?
He climbed down. He was soaked with rain, his eyes narrowed and his hair drooping limp over his forehead. The dejected sight somehow made Hitomi sadder.
Why do you always find me when I'm crying?
"Hitomi," he started. "I saw the pillar of light fall on Tenue. I had a feeling it might bring you here."
Hitomi's tears came harder, as did the rain. It blanketed the city in a thick fog, and she could feel the world shrink until it only encompassed the two of them. "That isn't . . . that isn't possible. You left."
Folken looked down. "No, I didn't. I couldn't."
"Why didn't you come back before?"
He didn't answer.
Hitomi shook her head roughly as if to deny something, feeling her hair splatter against the sides of her face. "Why'd you even need to leave in the first place?" she demanded, suddenly angry.
"Because it was a mistake for me to stay so long," said Folken immediately, his response automatic. It was the one he had been telling himself every moment since he left the inn to justify his decision. "Any longer and . . ." He couldn't finish.
"And what? You'd find some other way to hurt me worse?" She looked up at him sharply through her tears. "What, are you trying to protect me from something?"
Folken was silent again.
Hitomi knew her words hurt enough, but she went on without hesitation. He had abandoned her, and she was going to make sure he felt every blameful, bitter pain that had struck her heart since he was gone. She didn't stop to think about the consequences.
"You know what? I already know. I've known for a long time. It's not hard to figure out when it's practically written in everything you do. You think you can spare me a lot of pain just by going away and leaving me alone, like your presence is going to draw something bad to me. What are you thinking, that I'm going to die if you stay?"
Hitomi hadn't expected any reaction to show in Folken's expression when she looked up again. She figured he'd stay silent and indifferent, the way he always did. In fact, she half-hoped he would. One glimpse of the betrayal that crossed his visage before he could control it was enough to make her wish she could turn back time and hold her anger before it got the best of her.
"It wouldn't be the first time," was all he would say.
Something behind his words drained away all her rage. "You're not cursed to suffer, you know. I know you think you are, but that's not true. No one deserves to live a life of only misery." Hitomi sighed and sat down on the bench again, letting her words die away in the rainfall. "How does that make sense? That's not the way life works."
Folken watched her cover her face with her hands, acutely aware of how weak and vulnerable she had become. Any other time he would have seized this opportunity for all it was worth, but now, he couldn't think of any reason to.
"You know," she said on second thought, "it hurts a lot more when you're gone than it ever could when you're here."
Silence drifted over them, and for several minutes, the only sounds were the pattering rain on the Escaflowne's smooth armor and Hitomi's shaking breaths as she tried to repress her tears. In her broken state, Folken almost expected her to melt away into the mist, and the thought suddenly scared him. He sat down beside her and reached out to touch her shoulder, to remind her that she wasn't alone, but he caught sight of his metallic right hand and faltered. He could see the raindrops strike it, but he couldn't feel them. It reminded him that he wasn't tied to Hitomi like his brother and their friends, and it was not his place to offer her anything. He let his hand fall back at his side.
Hitomi sighed again and suddenly spoke. "I just don't get it anymore. I haven't asked you for anything, so why are you here now?" She paused, her eyes still covered. "You know what, forget about what I said. You don't need to stay with me like this. Don't feel like you have to protect me."
"I don't. I . . ." It wasn't his place, but Folken wished it were. "I want to protect you."
"I don't need someone taking care of me."
Folken looked down and spotted Hitomi's pendant sunk in the mud. He pulled it out. "You're right. All you've ever needed is a guide. You're very capable of being alone." He wiped some of the grime away from the stone with his thumb. "But I don't think you want to be."
"I said I would always be there to help you, and I will." The words of the angel in her dream suddenly popped into Hitomi's mind the same moment she heard them spoken aloud.
"I . . . I want to be here . . . to help you . . ." said Folken. "I want to be with you . . ."
Hitomi uncovered her eyes, letting her cupped hands fall into her lap. Folken held out the pendant and placed it in them. Two of her tears splashed on it.
If you're really my angel, I'm not going to let you disappear.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "No, I just . . . I can't do this anymore."
She stood up and walked out into the rain, facing away from him. "Nobody understands. I can't just stay here and live like this. With you around . . . it doesn't matter what I do to control it, I know I'm going to slip and do something to hurt you."
"What makes it any different when you leave than when I do?" he asked.
Hitomi didn't answer right away. "That's . . . different. I can't control my power." She clenched the pendant tightly in her right hand in helpless frustration. "I'm so sick of all this. No one has any idea what it's like for me."
She stopped, hearing words for the first time. God, listen to me. I'm so selfish. No wonder I keep hurting everybody else. I've never cared about anyone but myself. She turned back to Folken. I can't believe he wants to help me. Maybe I can . . . No. I'm letting him come with me just to have this happen all over again.
Hitomi shook her head. "I'm sorry . . . but you're better off alone . . . and so am I." She turned and walked away.
The wind picked up and drove rain into her eyes, but Hitomi paid it little heed. She didn't want to think about the rain, or Folken, or her destiny, or anything. She just wanted everything to leave her alone. With her vision so clouded with moisture, she couldn't make out the person striding purposefully toward her.
"You are the Girl from the Mystic Moon." The sharpness of Celena's voice could have split the downpour. "And you are going to come with me."
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"Forget this life,
Come with me,
Don't look back,
You're safe now . . ."
-Evanescence, "Anywhere"
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TO BE CONTINUED . . .
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