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"Anywhere" -- Chapter 12: Don't Speak
By The Last Princess of Hyrule
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"Don't speak,
I know what you're saying,
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts,
Don't speak,
I know what you're thinking,
And I don't need your reasons,
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts,
It's all ending,
I gotta stop pretending who we are . . ."
-No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
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Dilandau returned to the barracks late in the evening after speaking with the emperor to find it just as empty as that morning, which wasn't a surprise. The regiments usually living in these quarters, those stationed on the floating fortress Delate, had been moved out toward battle. Many of the other barracks were empty as well, and like always, he was alone.
/You're never alone./
/./Oh, now what do you want?/./ Dilandau sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. /./I've about had enough of you././
/You bother me just as much, you know. Everything always has to be your way./
/./My way? Really?/./
/You haven't listened to my suggestions all day./
/./I wonder, why? Because they're ludicrous!/./
/No, Dilandau, what you're doing is ludicrous./
Dilandau rolled his eyes. /./You know, when I say it, it sounds good, but when you say it, it just sounds stupid././
Celena ignored his comment. /Just look at what you've done to the Strategos Folken and the Girl from the Mystic Moon./
/./Let's look. What have I done to them? I haven't hurt them--/./
/But you betrayed them./
/./I what?/./ Dilandau laughed. /./I can't believe I'm hearing this. How could I betray them? I haven't even tried to help them././
/What about in Egzardia? You tried to help the girl. You tried to get to her before King Ezara./
/./Yeah, so I could capture her and use her power for myself. By gods, Celena, you try to make everything so noble././
/And you try to make it all evil./
/./The world isn't that black and white././
/I know, but it should be./
Dilandau sighed. /./I really wish you would leave me alone././
/What good would that do? Then you'd be alone./
/./No shit! Then there wouldn't be this annoying voice in my head constantly telling me what to do././
/Your head? I don't think so./
/./Well, who's head would it be?/./
/Mine./
/./Ha, that's a laugh. Be serious, Celena. What are you talking about?/./
/I am being serious/ she said. /I think this is my body./
She really was, and the strong conviction in her voice made Dilandau fall silent for a long moment. /./There are a lot of things wrong with that idea. First of all, you're a woman; I'm not././
/Spare me. That's trivial./
He rolled his eyes again. /./Second, if that were true, you would remember things, like being able to walk around and talk to people././
/I do--those memories you unlocked. That was my life./
/./All right, then. Third, if this is your body, why am I using it?/./
Celena didn't answer immediately. In fact, she didn't answer for a long time, so long Dilandau began to wonder what she was thinking. Though Celena could read any of his thoughts at any time, for some reason it didn't work the other way around.
When she finally spoke, she caught Dilandau by surprise. /I don't know anything about who you are, or why you're here, or any of that, but I know who I am now./ She paused. /My name is Celena Schezar. I am the daughter of Leon and Encia Schezar. I have an older brother named Allen who's a Knight Caeli. I lived in Asturia all my life before I was taken./
Celena struggled to piece together the newly-remembered bits of the ten years previously missing from her life. /I was taken here to Zaibach when I was a child. They . . . did things to me, like experiments or something. I don't know what. I was always strapped to a table being cut and stabbed with needles. I started blacking out a lot. The closer I get to now, the less I can remember, up until a couple weeks ago when I first met you./
/./More like when I met you././ Dilandau paused. /./Do you think I'm the reason you're memory's coming back?/./
/Yes./
/./And you don't even know who I am?/./
/Exactly./
/./Okay. My name is Dilandau Albatou. I have no family. I've lived in Zaibach for as long as I can remember. I've been training to be a soldier since I was very young. My military talent and skill are how I moved up the ranks so quickly. Until recently, I was a commander on the floating fortress Vione././
For a moment there was silence. Celena seemed to be waiting for him to continue. /And?/ she prompted.
/./And what? That was it././
/You can't tell me you have no family. What about your mother and father?/
/./I don't have any. Or if I do, I've never met them././
/What about friends? Surely you have some of those./
/./No, I don't, okay?/./ he snapped.
He knew Celena was suspicious of his answers. As he felt her start to sift through his subconscious to learn the truth, he added, /./And leave my thoughts alone. I know you're trying to learn all my secrets and everything, but don't. Aren't I entitled to some privacy?/./
/You tampered with my mind and my memories. I should be able to return the favor./
/./No, you shouldn't. You're always trying to get me to be a better person. It'd be awfully hypocritical for you to go against that././
/If you want to be a better person, why don't you try to help those people you imprisoned?/
/./Because I'm not a good person, and I don't want to be. I just want you to leave me alone././
/Actually . . . you are./ Celena's words had a sudden thoughtful overtone. /There aren't really any good or bad people, just good or bad situations. People either create conflict or try to overcome it. No one can be completely good or completely evil, because sometime in your life, you'll have the opportunity to be both./
/./Oh, really?/./
/Dilandau, you determine your actions based on what choice will be most beneficial for you, regardless of what it will do for others./
/./How insightful. There isn't anything wrong with that. You have to take care of yourself././
/Not every time. Have you ever wanted to help someone other than yourself, no matter what peril it placed your own life in?/
/./No././ he answered quickly, knowing this answer would just make Celena more suspicious.
/Who was it?/
/./No one, all right? Just leave me alone././
/I can't. I want to help the Girl from the Mystic Moon./
Dilandau scoffed. /./Why?/./
/I don't want what happened to me to happen to her. The Sorcerers will use her and her power for sure, and if she doesn't give it up willingly, they'll just take it by force./ Celena paused. /You didn't want to capture her just to hand her over to the Sorcerers, did you?/
/./That's none of your business././
/You know, everything you don't tell me just gives me more reason to invade your mind./
/./Don't even dare././
/Why not? You can't stop me./
He sighed. It was a losing battle from the beginning. /./Fine, do you want to know the truth? I needed her power to find out who I am. I don't remember anything before ten years ago. I know it's normal for people not to remember much of their childhood, but I don't remember anything at all. It's as if I wasn't even alive, and I know how crazy that sounds. So go ahead, search my mind, but you won't find anything././
They were silent for a moment. /If you wanted her help, why didn't you just ask?/
/./Because the world doesn't work like that, Celena. You can't just ask for something and simply be given it. Everything has its price././
/What was hers?/
Dilandau didn't answer.
/If you won't help me free her, then I have no choice but to do this. I'm sorry./
/./Sorry for what?/./
If she gave him an answer, his screams were too loud to hear it. Before she even stopped speaking, she reached out and touched his mind, pulling them both out of reality to shift their fates once more. Everything started to spin violently, and Dilandau lost focus with the world.
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Later in what was most likely evening, Folken sat in silence on one of the long benches watching Hitomi sleep curled up on a cot. It was strange how peaceful she looked, compared to what she was like awake. The troubles and worry that lined her face vanished as she slept. She looked how a fifteen-year-old ought to look, free of the heavy burden of Gaea's destiny that rested on her alone, a burden that was too much for her. Hitomi's eyelids fluttered a little and her lips parted in a tiny smile. She was dreaming.
It was a strange feeling watching her sleep--something so simple and yet pleasant that Folken had been struggling to put a name to since leaving Asturia. It was the feeling he had when he first saw her crying in the courtyard, and then again on so many occasions in Egzardia. It was the feeling he had when she held his hand to control the CD player, or gripped tightly around his waist to keep from falling off the Escaflowne. It was the pure enjoyment he felt whenever saw her smile, and the burning desire never to let her cry.
He suddenly realized that this feeling wasn't one feeling, but many different ones, all lumped together in a huge, nonsensical mess in his heart. Happiness, content, protectiveness, and . . . love. That was it, wasn't it? Everything boiled down to that simple fact, and he almost couldn't believe it.
Folken loved Hitomi.
He sat for a moment, waiting. Wasn't something spectacular supposed to happen when someone realized they were in love? Where was the feeling of stars bursting in the sky, and the uncontrolled fit of passion between the two newly recognized lovers? But the impassive mood in the cell remained consistent; Hitomi slept on, and all Folken felt was more uncertainty.
Things were exactly the same now as a moment before, except that now he had a name for his feelings. Unfortunately, that still did not change the fact that these feelings were wrong and misplaced. What right did he have to be with this girl? She deserved so much more than the questionable love of a man many people said had no heart; a man with nothing to show for himself, and nothing to offer her. But most of all, Folken couldn't think of any good reason that he had to be with her, except to protect her. Definitely not for love that was most likely unrequited.
As he watched her sleep, trying to sort out these thoughts, Folken saw the smile vanish from her face and her relaxed visage contort. She rolled over and mumbled something incomprehensible. Seconds later, she rolled back and mumbled again, this time louder.
". . . can't . . . sssssisn't happening . . . hmmm . . . don't! . . ."
Folken got up and leaned over to her, his own troubles suddenly replaced by worry. "Hitomi?" he whispered.
"Mmmm . . . no . . . you can't! . . . hnnnn . . ."
He gently shook her shoulder. "Hitomi?" he asked more insistently.
"Stop! . . . nnnnnuh . . . no!"
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. . .The demon, her face splashed in warm blood, snickered. "Don't forget, you made this. You made me." The demon gripped the pendant between two hooked talons and ripped the chain apart. She licked her crimson stained fingers. "I love that taste . . ."
A voice on the outside yanked Hitomi out of the nightmare before the demon could go any farther. Her eyes snapped open and she jolted up with a gasp.
"Folken!" she cried upon waking, clutching a hand to her chest and feeling her heart beat rapidly. She was shaking, only able to draw short, rasping breaths, and her eyes were wide with fear.
"Are you all right?"
Hitomi turned to Folken, whose voice and presence she hadn't expected so close, and looked up to see him standing over to her, his face filled with distress.
"What happened?" he asked.
Hitomi took a deep breath, trying to calm the raging fear. "I think I was having a vision."
He sat down beside her, and she felt his shoulder brush against hers. It sent a shiver down her spine. "Of what?"
Hitomi looked out at the iron bars enclosing the cell. "Something terrible . . . I was looking down at myself standing in the middle of a dark room like this. It was freezing cold . . . like Death. It was so real." She started to shake harder as she recalled the vivid details. "Y-you were there . . . I think we talked, or s-something, because my other self took off h-her--my--pendant . . ."
She bit her lip--so hard she tasted the metallic tang of blood on her tongue. The memory it triggered made her want to be sick. "Sh-she--I--swung the pendant and . . ." A horrified look filled Hitomi's visage. "She k-killed you!"
Hitomi leaned forward, hiding her face in her hands, and began to cry. "I couldn't do anything. I tried to stop her, but she didn't listen. She just laughed at me! I couldn't do anything," she sobbed. "I can't believe I could ever do such a thing! I'm a selfish person sometimes, I know, but I'd never kill anyone!"
Hitomi rambled on without rest or reason, not fully comprehending what she was saying, or bothering to stop and think about it. It was as if some barrier in her mind had broken and everything just poured out. "I know it was just a dream, but what if it comes true? I've dreamed things before that came true later. This can't come out like that! I mean, I love you and I couldn't stand to lose you! I . . ." Suddenly, as her words sank in, and the agitated monologue came to an immediate halt.
The cell went quiet. Hitomi felt a violent blush burn her cheeks and kept her face covered to conceal it.
"You . . . love me?" Folken's voice was filled with awe, and so quiet that she almost didn't hear it. With her deep scarlet blush, and no courage with which to meet his eyes, Hitomi nodded.
"I just . . . I . . . I . . ." Words failed her. Everything she wanted to say came out jumbled and meaningless. It was amazing--she had been babbling on so clearly only a moment ago, and here she was now, unable to speak at all.
How had this simple relationship gotten so far? Friendship between them was one thing, but love? When did they both suddenly start to care so much? As if their circumstances weren't complicated enough already, now throw in one more mixed-up emotion and see what comes out. The thought of love, of what exactly Folken meant to her, had been on Hitomi's mind for a while, but she had never acknowledged it before now.
There had to be a logical reason behind all this. It wasn't worth anything for Folken to love her. She was so selfish, she caused so many problems, and hurt so many people. Eventually, she would do more even damage, and end up ruining his life. It was a hopeless situation. She was hopeless. Nothing good could possibly come from her presence.
But all of these worries were the farthest from Hitomi's mind. She had confessed that she love him--what was she supposed to say now? But as it turned out, she didn't need to say anything at all.
Folken spoke first, his hand lightly touching her shoulder. She flinched involuntarily, and he removed it. "Are you afraid?" he asked quietly.
Her trembling worsened, but her tears, for the most part, had stopped. "Yes . . . a little." Somehow, Hitomi couldn't find it in her heart to lie.
"I can't say you shouldn't be. In all honesty, I don't know." He took a deep breath and exhaled. "I want to say it will turn out all right . . . because I love you too, but . . ." He hesitated. "I'm afraid, too."
Hitomi slowly lifted her head, finally looking at him. Folken reached out again with his mechanical right hand, and lightly touched her cheek. This time, she didn't move. Slowly, he drew the tips of his fingers down along her jaw and under her chin, tracing the delicate shape. She took in a sharp breath as he leaned down, placing a soft kiss lightly on her cheek, then one on the other. But as he drew back a little to kiss her lips, he met her eyes and hesitated, as if suddenly remembering himself.
"I'm sorry," said Folken, lowering his gaze. "This isn't my place. I do love you, even though I know I shouldn't. I don't believe things were meant to happen like this."
His words lent her no reassurance. "I don't get it." A fresh tear rolled down Hitomi's cheek as she spoke. "I thought people in love were supposed to be happy and carefree, but that's not how I feel. Here I am seeing you die in my dreams and not being able to do a thing to save you. How is that love?"
"It was just a dream. You shouldn't dwell on it." Folken sighed. "Besides, you may think it's a vision, but it isn't. You won't be the one to kill me."
Hitomi looked up at him, her sudden concern outweighing her embarrassment.
"A reaction of fate has shortened my life. It has nothing to do with you. No one can live in this forsaken place for long without it altering them," he explained, referring to Zaibach, in a voice that was suddenly cold and hard. "Fate is unstable here."
"You're dying?" she asked. "How do you know?"
He stood and turned away from her, unclasping his shirt. A pair of jet black wings grew from his shoulder blades, raining shadowy feathers to the ground in their wake. Hitomi remembered first seeing them when they met in Fanelia, and thinking how alike Van and Folken's wings were--both strong and graceful, sunlight glistening on the layers of silky black or white feathers.
But now, something had happened to Folken's wings. They looked weak and crumpled, losing feathers at a miraculous rate. Hitomi reached down and picked up a couple. Their once shining colour had since dulled.
"Your wings . . ." she said without looking up.
Folken nodded. "They're deteriorating. It's a sign I'm going to die. I plan to use my life to kill Dornkirk and release Gaea from his influence." He sighed and slumped down to the floor, as if the weight of his self-imposed destiny was crushing him. "Before I met you, I was ready to die. But now, I don't know how I'll ever be able to let you go."
Hitomi got up, realizing for the first time that he was a lot like her. He carried a destiny that was too much for him to bear alone. His pain--the hopeless, empty feeling that came with the knowledge that he would soon die--was the same pain Hitomi felt when she could not keep her power from destroying everything around her. Suddenly, she understood why he was the way he was, why he acted the way he did, and that she couldn't stand to see him like this.
"I get it now," said Hitomi, shaking her head as she knelt beside him. Folken turned to her. "I was wrong yesterday, about everything. I'm not the only person who's ever had to deal with life alone, and I can't say I have it so bad when I think about how much you've been through. Running away isn't going to keep me from hurting people." She took a deep breath. "And no one is better off alone. If I really am the key to Gaea's fate, and I really can change it, then we won't have to part."
She closed her eyes and leaned against him. Hesitantly, Folken put his arms around her small frame, waiting for her reaction, but none came. Hitomi was asleep again, her lack of sleep during their flight from Fanelia to Zaibach had finally caught up with her.
Awake, Hitomi was a strong and formidable person, but asleep, an innocent, childlike side of her came out, a side that few people had ever seen. She curled up against him with one of her arms resting against his chest, clutching a few of his feathers in her fist. Her breathing lapsed into a slow, sleeping pattern. She was so gentle, and the burdens placed on her were too much to carry without faltering a little.
She deserves someone so much better . . . someone stronger . . . someone who can really protect her . . . and she's stuck with me.
He knew it could never happen, but Folken longed to be able to stay in this moment forever and protect her from her fate. Then she could go on with her life and never feel such deep pain again.
I'll have to do the best I can to keep her safe until she finds someone better . . .
To this desire, his broken wings encircled them, closing them off from everything in a tiny place all their own. There, no other people existed, no dreams or visions could torment them, and for one single, all too short moment, no fate could break them apart.
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"Unlock your heart,
Drop your guard,
No one's left to stop you now . . ."
-Evanescence, "Anywhere"
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TO BE CONTINUED . . .
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