"Frodo's as straight as a rainbow," said Pippin.
"WHAT?" asked Merry and Sam.
Pippin looked up at the sky and said, "Harry Potter's a Wobbuffet."
"A what???"
"Sam, I think Pippin's gone mad," said Merry.
"That may be because we're in the FRICKIN OLD FOREST!!!" said Sam.
"You sound like Dr. Evil," said Pippin.
"Who???" asked Merry.
"You're insane," said Sam.
"Poof!" yelled Pippin.
Merry and Sam looked at each other. "Uh... yeah..."
"Be ready for the masquerade ball!" said Pippin.
"Maybe we should just ignore him," said Merry.
"Good idea," said Sam. "AAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Pippin had hung a big hairy spider in front of Sam's face.
"Oh get over it," said Merry while rolling his eyes.
"Don't use that tone with me, boy!" yelled Sam.
"What?"
"I am the mayor of Hobbiton! You shan't use that tone with me, lad!"
"Git."
"WHAT???"
"Nuttin."
Sam growled.
"What was that?" asked Pippin. "I thought I heard something."
"That was Sam growling," said Merry.
"No, no... it was something else..."
"Are you sure, Pip?" asked Merry.
Pippin stared for some time at a spot just ahead of them.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Sam, and he ran away.
"Sam, SAM!!!"
"It's no use, Merry, he's gone," said Pippin. "Gone to face the giant pink toads, I expect."
"Yes, but why did he run away?" asked Merry. "I don't see any spid- AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! GAY NINJA HOBBITS GAY NINJA HOBBITS GAY NINJA HOBBITS!!!"
Merry tried to run away from the hideous form that was approaching but Pippin held him back.
"Merry, those are NOT gay ninja hobbits," he said. "That's Tom Bombadil and Goldberry!"
Merry squinted through the fog and could vaguely make out the outline of a tall man and a woman.
"Oh," said Merry, "Hello, Bombadil!"
"What's two hobbits doing in my forest?" asked Bombadil, "Oh! Merry and Pippin!"
"What are you doing in the Old Forest?" asked Goldberry.
"Fishing for gumdrops," said Pippin, looking up at the sky again.
"Huh?"
"Don't mind him," said Merry, "I think he's had too much to drink."
"Ah," said Bombadil. "What be the real reason two little hobbits are stuck in my forest?"
"Giant pink toads!" screamed Sam, running up to them. "I couldn't face them," he told Merry.
Bombadil and Goldberry looked at each other and shrugged. "Would you like to stay the night?" asked Bombadil. "There's a party going on at my home."
"A party?" said Sam. "Awesome! Let's get funky... uh huh... uh huh..."
"Don't ask," Merry told Bombadil. "Let's go!"
And they left for the party.
The hobbits stepped inside Bombadil's house and gasped. There was a crowd of people cheering around a table in the center of the room, on which Gollum was belly dancing.
"It's Gollum!" yelled Sam. "Get over here you stupid, filthy little -"
"AAAAAAAA!!!" screamed Gollum, "Nasty tricksy hobbitses have come to kill us! Again!"
He scampered out the door and deep into the woods.
"Grr..." said Sam, "I almost had him!"
"I thought we drowned him in the Washer of Doom!" said Pippin.
"So did I!" said Merry. "But apparently he's immune to elven washing machines."
"Shit," said Pippin, "Now what?"
Merry thought for a moment. "Let's just party!"
"Yeah!" shouted Sam. "To the left! Take it back there, yawl! Right foot, let's go! Left foot, let's go! Slide to the left! Slide to the right! Cha-cha real smooth..."
"Oh my," said Merry, watching everyone dance. "Hold on, who is that?"
"I dunno," said Pippin. "Looks like he's having fun, though."
"Let's go dance beside him," said Merry, and they made their way through the crowd to the mysterious stranger cloaked in black.
"Hullo," said Pippin to the man. "Who are you?"
"Dr. Evil," said the man.
"Dr. Evil?" asked Merry. "What kind of a name is that?"
"It's my 'name'," he said, quoting with his fingers when he said the word 'name'.
"Uh... ok," said Pippin. He looked over at Merry, who shrugged.
"Yes, since my 'laser' world domination plan didn't work, I decided to come to 'Middle Earth' to recruit some orcs," said Dr. Evil.
"Well, that's nice," said Pippin. "But I must say, Uruk-hai are much better."
"Really?" asked Dr. Evil. "I shall take that into consideration."
"Douggy!" A strange man wearing even stranger clothes had just barged in.
"Austin!" said Dr. Evil.
"What are you doing here, Douggy?" asked Austin.
"Nothing," said Dr. Evil, chewing on his fingernails.
"This ISN'T our movie!" said Austin. "Come with me, Douggy, we must leave."
"Aww..." said Dr. Evil.
"Dad's orders," said Austin.
"Fine," said Dr. Evil, and he and Austin disappeared into thin air.
Merry and Pippin looked at each other.
"Um..." said Pippin.
"Why don't we just pretend that never happened?" suggested Merry.
"Good idea," said Pippin.
"Get Low Get Low Get Low Get Low TO THE WINDOW, TO THE WALLS!" sang Sam.
"Oi," said Merry. "He's horrible."
"All right, all right, party's over!" yelled Bombadil, and everyone but the three hobbits left.
"You hobbits can spend the night here," said Bombadil, and the three hobbits went to bed.
"Merry," whispered Pippin.
"What?" groaned Merry.
"I just wet my bed."
"WHAT?"
"Kidding."
"Git."
"I am not."
Merry coughed.
"Good night, Pip."
"Night."
"WHAT?" asked Merry and Sam.
Pippin looked up at the sky and said, "Harry Potter's a Wobbuffet."
"A what???"
"Sam, I think Pippin's gone mad," said Merry.
"That may be because we're in the FRICKIN OLD FOREST!!!" said Sam.
"You sound like Dr. Evil," said Pippin.
"Who???" asked Merry.
"You're insane," said Sam.
"Poof!" yelled Pippin.
Merry and Sam looked at each other. "Uh... yeah..."
"Be ready for the masquerade ball!" said Pippin.
"Maybe we should just ignore him," said Merry.
"Good idea," said Sam. "AAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Pippin had hung a big hairy spider in front of Sam's face.
"Oh get over it," said Merry while rolling his eyes.
"Don't use that tone with me, boy!" yelled Sam.
"What?"
"I am the mayor of Hobbiton! You shan't use that tone with me, lad!"
"Git."
"WHAT???"
"Nuttin."
Sam growled.
"What was that?" asked Pippin. "I thought I heard something."
"That was Sam growling," said Merry.
"No, no... it was something else..."
"Are you sure, Pip?" asked Merry.
Pippin stared for some time at a spot just ahead of them.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Sam, and he ran away.
"Sam, SAM!!!"
"It's no use, Merry, he's gone," said Pippin. "Gone to face the giant pink toads, I expect."
"Yes, but why did he run away?" asked Merry. "I don't see any spid- AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! GAY NINJA HOBBITS GAY NINJA HOBBITS GAY NINJA HOBBITS!!!"
Merry tried to run away from the hideous form that was approaching but Pippin held him back.
"Merry, those are NOT gay ninja hobbits," he said. "That's Tom Bombadil and Goldberry!"
Merry squinted through the fog and could vaguely make out the outline of a tall man and a woman.
"Oh," said Merry, "Hello, Bombadil!"
"What's two hobbits doing in my forest?" asked Bombadil, "Oh! Merry and Pippin!"
"What are you doing in the Old Forest?" asked Goldberry.
"Fishing for gumdrops," said Pippin, looking up at the sky again.
"Huh?"
"Don't mind him," said Merry, "I think he's had too much to drink."
"Ah," said Bombadil. "What be the real reason two little hobbits are stuck in my forest?"
"Giant pink toads!" screamed Sam, running up to them. "I couldn't face them," he told Merry.
Bombadil and Goldberry looked at each other and shrugged. "Would you like to stay the night?" asked Bombadil. "There's a party going on at my home."
"A party?" said Sam. "Awesome! Let's get funky... uh huh... uh huh..."
"Don't ask," Merry told Bombadil. "Let's go!"
And they left for the party.
The hobbits stepped inside Bombadil's house and gasped. There was a crowd of people cheering around a table in the center of the room, on which Gollum was belly dancing.
"It's Gollum!" yelled Sam. "Get over here you stupid, filthy little -"
"AAAAAAAA!!!" screamed Gollum, "Nasty tricksy hobbitses have come to kill us! Again!"
He scampered out the door and deep into the woods.
"Grr..." said Sam, "I almost had him!"
"I thought we drowned him in the Washer of Doom!" said Pippin.
"So did I!" said Merry. "But apparently he's immune to elven washing machines."
"Shit," said Pippin, "Now what?"
Merry thought for a moment. "Let's just party!"
"Yeah!" shouted Sam. "To the left! Take it back there, yawl! Right foot, let's go! Left foot, let's go! Slide to the left! Slide to the right! Cha-cha real smooth..."
"Oh my," said Merry, watching everyone dance. "Hold on, who is that?"
"I dunno," said Pippin. "Looks like he's having fun, though."
"Let's go dance beside him," said Merry, and they made their way through the crowd to the mysterious stranger cloaked in black.
"Hullo," said Pippin to the man. "Who are you?"
"Dr. Evil," said the man.
"Dr. Evil?" asked Merry. "What kind of a name is that?"
"It's my 'name'," he said, quoting with his fingers when he said the word 'name'.
"Uh... ok," said Pippin. He looked over at Merry, who shrugged.
"Yes, since my 'laser' world domination plan didn't work, I decided to come to 'Middle Earth' to recruit some orcs," said Dr. Evil.
"Well, that's nice," said Pippin. "But I must say, Uruk-hai are much better."
"Really?" asked Dr. Evil. "I shall take that into consideration."
"Douggy!" A strange man wearing even stranger clothes had just barged in.
"Austin!" said Dr. Evil.
"What are you doing here, Douggy?" asked Austin.
"Nothing," said Dr. Evil, chewing on his fingernails.
"This ISN'T our movie!" said Austin. "Come with me, Douggy, we must leave."
"Aww..." said Dr. Evil.
"Dad's orders," said Austin.
"Fine," said Dr. Evil, and he and Austin disappeared into thin air.
Merry and Pippin looked at each other.
"Um..." said Pippin.
"Why don't we just pretend that never happened?" suggested Merry.
"Good idea," said Pippin.
"Get Low Get Low Get Low Get Low TO THE WINDOW, TO THE WALLS!" sang Sam.
"Oi," said Merry. "He's horrible."
"All right, all right, party's over!" yelled Bombadil, and everyone but the three hobbits left.
"You hobbits can spend the night here," said Bombadil, and the three hobbits went to bed.
"Merry," whispered Pippin.
"What?" groaned Merry.
"I just wet my bed."
"WHAT?"
"Kidding."
"Git."
"I am not."
Merry coughed.
"Good night, Pip."
"Night."