Frodo shifted uncomfortably where he sat.
"I uh - I think I'm feeling sick," he muttered.
Pippin suddenly grabbed hold of his shoulders and yelled, "Tell me the story you fucker or I'll rip your hair out!!!"
Sam slapped Pippin on the head.
Pippin glared at Sam and sat back down on the grass.
Frodo looked at them all and Merry said, "You have to tell us, Frodo. We told you."
Sighing, Frodo began his tale.
"I guess the day it started was when I went down to the river to catch a fish. I was never any good at catching fish, so it nearly took me all day until I caught one. I took it back to the Gaffer and he put it up on his wall."
"Really?" asked Sam, "I never saw any fish..."
"You were away at Buckland that week, Sam," said Frodo. "Anyway, when I got back to Bag End, Bilbo was going ballistic because he'd lost his ring." At this, Frodo threw some salt over his shoulders. Pippin immediately took the salt and poured some into his mouth.
"Pippin, you dolt, stop it," said Merry, and he handed the salt back to Frodo.
"Uh... yeah.. anyway..." said Frodo, "Bilbo had thought I'd taken his ring."
More salt throwing.
"He said, 'Frodo, lad, have you seen my ring?'"
Yet more salt throwing.
"And I said, 'No, Bilbo, I haven't, but you really shouldn't bother about that piece of shit anyway, I mean, what's your problem?' And at that point, Bilbo totally lost it and ran straight at me. 'You son of a bitch!' I yelled, running, 'What the fuck are you doing???' and I ran swearing at him all the way down to the Gaffer's, then shut myself up and locked myself in there. The Gaffer had gone out to fetch you, Sam," Frodo looked over at Sam, grinning, "you'd been spending a little too much time with those girls over in Buckland."
Sam blushed.
"That wasn't my fault, they were all over me and -"
Merry snorted. "Yeah, I'm sure they were," he said sarcastically.
"So anyway," continued Frodo, "I waited for a while. I could still hear Bilbo shouting at me, then the shouting stopped. Apparently he had discovered his ring was in his pocket."
Even more salt throwing.
"And I was just heading out to give Bilbo a kick in the ass when I heard, 'narf.'"
"What's a narf?" asked Pippin curiously. Frodo just looked at him.
"I thought I was going completely insane," continued Frodo, "Because it came from the fish on the wall."
Sam shivered.
"I turned around, and the fish's eyes were staring straight at me! Then... then it began singing! 'Narf, narf, narf, narf, NARF NARF NARF NARF NARF NARF NNNAAARRRFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!'"
Frodo's eyes were so wide at this point that they were on the verge of bursting from his eye sockets. He looked quite mad.
"And then the fish spoke to me, it told me to go cut my hair off and I - and I -"
"Yes?" Pippin urged.
"I ran straight out of the house, told the Gaffer to throw away the fish, then cut my hair off!!!!!"
"Oooooh!" said Merry, "So that's why you were bald on my birthday!"
"Yes," said Frodo, "And now you know my story."
"Frodo's story of the singing fish," Sam mused, "Kinda strange."
"Kinda?" said Pippin.
"Well -"
"NARF!"
"W-what was that?" asked Pippin.
"NARF!!"
"There it was again," said Merry, straining his ears to hear it again.
"Oh no," said Frodo, going pale, "It's the dead singing fish coming back to haunt us!!! RUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He sprinted off as fast as he could and the others followed him, the "NARF!!!" still ringing in their ears.
"Wait!" yelled Sam, panting. "Frodo! We're going in the wrong direction, we're heading into the forest, w-we w-want to go out!"
But Frodo didn't seem to have heard him. He just kept running like a maniac, the other three following him.
After what seemed like an hour of running, Sam collapsed onto the ground.
"He can't r-run anymore," said Merry, stopping and panting. "Besides, I think we've lost the - er - singing fish."
Frodo, nodding, sat down beside Sam, Merry, and Pippin.
Merry began to smoke some Longbottom leaf.
"Hey, give me some of that," said Pippin.
"Don't you have some?" asked Merry, shrouded in smoke.
"I've run out," said Pippin.
"Already?" asked Merry. Pippin nodded.
Merry sighed and gave Pip some Longbottom leaf.
"Thanks," said Pippin, and began smoking. "Ahh, that's better. Now, what were you saying, Merry?"
"I wasn't saying anything."
"Yes you were."
"No I wasn't."
"Yes, you were!"
"No, I wasn't!"
"Merry!"
"Pippin!"
"Hey," interrupted Frodo, looking at a spot some distance from them in the woods. "What is that?"
Sam sat up, and groggily looked around. "What is what?"
"That," said Frodo, pointing to something shiny in the woods.
"Oooooh, shiny!" exclaimed Pippin, and bounded off into the woods after it.
"Hey!" shouted Merry, "Pip!"
But Pippin didn't turn around, he just kept on running.
"For the love of my potatoes," Merry muttered, and ran after Pippin, and Frodo and Sam soon followed.
"What - is - it?" panted Sam, still out of breath from the long run, and angrily found himself running again.
"I'm not sure!" yelled Merry. "Pip, what is...?"
He was stopped in mid-sentence as he walked up to the gleaming object.
"What in the name of potatoes -" said Sam.
"It's - it's -" began Pippin.
"The Toilet of Youth," said Frodo in awe.