Lockhart! (Anyone interested in a musical adaptation, see me… it does not bode well.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Lockhart and if I did, I'm not sure I'd want him. He'd probably just sit one ofthose shelves with the discarded presents you never use... yes, he's put to much better use in JK Rowling's books I have to say.
Also, if anyone spots the Dead Kennedies reference (let me know if you do!), I don't own them either.
Set during Harry's second year, one of the many exciting lessons Lockhart prepares for them.
"Yes, thank you Miss Brown," Professor Lockhart called from the front of the class after Lavender had dimmed the lights. "Now I think you will all enjoy this little slide show I have prepared for you…"
He fumbled in his bag before producing with a flourish a set of expensive looking slides from its mysterious depths.
"It's a selection taken from my latest holiday in Cambodia, where I spent much of my time filming for my new autobiographical motion picture, starring as-"
He flashed them a dazzling smile
"-myself. I also managed to dig up a couple of nasty little animals to pit you up against, perhaps later in the year."
He shuffled slightly uncomfortably, the memory of the Cornish Pixie Incident still alarmingly fresh in everyone's minds.
"Well, on with the show then!"
Anyone who had been hoping for anything remotely educational was somewhat disappointed. The slides seemed to feature an awful lot of pictures of Lockhart on his filming set or against a backdrop of leafy scenery; in fact they rather resembled holiday snaps…
After about half an hour and around fifty "mood establishing" shots, the pictures of Lockhart and the "nasty little animals" finally made their appearance. It was almost laughable. He had an arm around a small black furry creature with a long snout, a triumphant grin on his rugged face.
"That's just a Niffler!" Ron hissed to Hermione, who told him to be quiet. "They're not dangerous. In fact-"
He was cut short by Lockhart's booming voice cutting across them.
"Yes, a rabid Niffler Mr Weasley. Five points to Gryffindor for that speedy identification though."
Ron sniggered into his hands as Lockhart hurriedly changed the slide. This one was a bit more exciting; it showed Lockhart mid-wrestle with a large, green spiny porcupine.
"Ahh yes," he exclaimed, as though he had quite forgotten about this shot. "Put up quite a fight that one, but don't worry. I got the better of him using a variety of complex spells that some of you might be gifted enough to perform in your seventh year. Don't worry if you can't though," he flashed a charming smile at the class. "Many of them took me years to perfect even at this stage in my career!"
Hermione looked very impressed at this news, and sat up even straighter in her seat, raising her hand shyly.
"Professor Lockhart, do you think you could give us a demonstration some time?" she asked him, going slightly red.
Lockhart beamed at her.
"Certainly, Miss Granger. Though perhaps in a future lesson…"
Hermione beamed. Ron scowled at her. Harry had fallen into a half conscious stupor along with Seamus Finningan and Dean Thomas and all three of them were gazing, mouths hanging slightly open, at the screen in front of them which now showed a large picture of a thumb.
"Ooh, it's a pity that one didn't come out," said Lockhart, turning his attention back to the slides. "It was a very good shot of some werewolf puppies…"
Finally after what seemed like several hours more of Lockhart prattling on about narrow escapes and savage beasts with sharp fangs which didn't turn out because of poor exposure, the class was over.
As everyone filed out of the room, Professor Lockhart turned, beaming, to his projector.
"Well I think they rather enjoyed that!" he grinned. "I'll need to see if I can set up another one for next week…"