The worst part of being chained to a wall wasn't the way hanging cut off circulation, so your hands and feet tingled with pins and needles whenever you moved them--but you had to move them, or risk paralysis. Nor was it the dank stuffiness of the dungeon's rock walls, or the constant rattle of the chains reminding you where you were. No, the worst part was being chained to a wall only scant meters from your smug blond bastard of a crewmate, and being unable to do a damn thing about the expression on his face.

Though the getting beaten like a bad dog while unable to fight back sucked, too.

So he had walked into the tavern of his own free will. So he had willing accepted the stein Sanji had shoved at him, the cook grinning blearily--"They got the good stuff here," and he ought to have known better than to accept the drink. He wouldn't have been in that tavern at all, usually; there had been bars closer to the docks, with cheaper booze. But the damn cook liked the upscale places, for the quality of the food and drink and company--female, of course. And people looking for pirate captains Zoro had never heard of.

Only one of his crewmates, Zoro thought irritably, could have got them captured by morons so thick that they didn't even realize they had the wrong men.

Sanji had taken exception to being told such, however, and their shouting match--a poor substitute for fists and kicks, but it would have to do, in light of the circumstances--went on for several minutes before being interrupted by the fat man clapping his fleshy palms together.

"Gentlemen, as entertaining as these histrionics are--"

"Histrionics? Who's histrionicking?"

"You might be," Sanji had said, "I'm just being reasonable."

"--they'll do you no good. So, let's get down to business, shall we?" His glance between the two of them had put Zoro in mind of Luffy trying to decide between two equally large dishes of meat.

"So dead, cook."

"Hey, how do I know you didn't let yourself get caught? As some fucked-up training. You're the one who goes swimming in blizzards, after all."

"How do I know you didn't get me caught on purpose?"

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"So you'd have company? Or entertainment? How should I know, I'm not a pervert!"

"You're not a beautiful woman, either, so how could you possibly be entert--"

"So, who'll be first?"

Zoro looked at Sanji. Sanji looked at Zoro. Two crewmates, trapped together, no one to rely on but each other. As one they raised their bound hands as well as they were able, pointed a finger and cried, "HIM!"

Whereupon the overweight son of a bitch had looked them over again, a long, measuring glance, and then flipped a coin.

It was a psychological ploy, Zoro imagined. He had met sadists before; as a pirate hunter many of both his prey and his colleagues had had such tendencies. The vagaries of random chance, pitting them against each other in an unavoidable gamble...he'd met bastards before who enjoyed such mind games.

Though this wasn't a terribly effective one. It soon became apparent that they honestly had no idea who he was. At least he hoped they didn't; it would be embarrassing if, knowing who he was, they still expected such a half-assed beating to break him. They were trying not to do any permanent damage, obviously, but not even cracking a rib as they punched and kicked--pathetic. This wouldn't even count as endurance training. He'd gotten worse from Sanji just for looking at Robin too suspiciously, to say nothing of Luffy rocketing him. And then there was that one time he had pinched a tangerine, not realizing Nami was tending the grove...

He winced at the memory, and the bruiser currently going at him grinned. "Oh, knock it off," Zoro growled at him. "I didn't even notice that last one. Hey, cook, is it possible to be so stupid you don't know how to punch someone?"

"I dunno," Sanji said. "Even Luffy's got that down. But then if these guys actually had a monkey's intelligence they might understand that this isn't getting them anywhere, because we don't know a damn thing!"

Which was true enough, but there was something in the cook's voice that rang off. Zoro couldn't get a good look at him with the bruiser using him as a punching bag in the way. "Hey," he suggested, "why don't you take a break, let your buddy have another go? You're getting tired, and he kicks harder than you punch anyway."

"I'll show you my punch," the man snarled, and threw a right cross square at his chin.

The back of Zoro's head thumped against the stone. He grinned at the man. "That's the best form you've had yet."

"Stop it!" rapped the fat man. "Break his head and I'll break you."

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sanji said, "his head's much harder than the wall."

"Not that this guy's strong enough to crack an eggshell. You should try practicing on real fighters, instead of beating up schoolgirls--"

Ignoring his boss's sharp protest, the bruiser grabbed Zoro's shirt and drew back his fist. He didn't get a chance to throw that one, though; with his face shoved so close Zoro took the opportunity to bash his own skull against the man's forehead.

The other thug jumped back, swearing as his comrade was knocked to the floor, stunned. The fat man merely raised an eyebrow. "Not to say that he didn't deserve it, but really, now. Awfully energetic, aren't we?" He smiled. "Much more than I was given to expect. I must admit I like it."

Zoro blinked back the blood running down into his eyes. It stung a little, but he was used to it. He didn't see the thug's heavy boot slamming toward him until it was too late to brace for it, however, and lost a couple seconds when the kick smashed his head back against the stone.

As the stars cleared he heard the fat man's cross remonstration, and Sanji speaking over him, all sardonic leisure. "--feel sorry for you, fun as this is for me. You know who he really is? That's Roronoa Zoro."

The thug blinked slowly, processing that with his poor overworked brain. "You mean that pirate hunter guy?"

"None other. He's got a bounty bigger than all the beri you've ever seen, and you're pissing him off."

"Oh, great, cook, now you want them to hand me over to the marines? Why'd you have to tell them--"

"Don't be ridiculous," the fat man snapped. "He's Captain Beinkusu's first lieutenant, not a bountied pirate."

"--Eh?"

"He's Zoro," Sanji said. "Go find the wanted poster."

"No need, I've seen it. Playing on that superficial resemblance is clever, but no more than I'd expect from the likes of you."

"Superficial resemblance?" Zoro frowned. "I thought that was my good side, actually."

"Boss," the thug said, hesitantly, "he does kinda look a lot like that guy. Especially with the blood on his face and all. And we did take three swords off him--"

"It's a hoax. He likely carries them for show, to make it more convincing."

"Give them back and I'll show you how convincing they are."

"Boss, isn't Roronoa Zoro supposed to be sailing with that really strong pirate? The haystack pirate or something? Because my cousin's husband's uncle knew a guy in Mocktown who saw that guy fight, and he's stone-cold crazy. That's what he said. So if these guys are that guy's--"

"They aren't," the fat man said. "They're undercover marines pretending to be pirates. They're no more bountied brigands than you are."

"Bastard cook, you've been a marine all this time?"

"So what's your rank, Zoro, third-class private?"

"Don't tell me, that chef Zeff's secretly an admiral."

"That marine sergeant girl you always run from, she your commander?"

"You're the only one who'd follow her orders, love cook. Or is your commander Captain Beinkusu?"

"Never heard of him. You?"

"Nope. Think they'll believe it?"

"Doubt it. I've fried clams with more brains."

"Boss--"

"Help your coworker there," the fat man told his thug, nodding to the other man, sitting up and groggily shaking his head. "We're going to give them a little time to think things over before we continue. Gentlemen, we'll be back in a bit." He smiled as he unlocked the door, his goons at his heels. "And I promise you won't find it nearly so dull."

The door slammed shut behind them with the appropriately ominous thud.

"Zoro?" Sanji asked after a moment, quietly.

"So dead," Zoro growled through gritted teeth.

to be continued...

Hee! Happy folks enjoyed the opening gambit, as there's quite a bit more to come. Rinkufan, Lady K, and any others who found my warnings read more like a 'favorite things' list - you are fans after me own twisted torture-lurvin' heart. Hope you enjoy!

However, I do want to make clear, in addition to the other warnings, this story has no plot. Any apparent vestiges of such are in truth thinly veiled excuses for hurt/comfort ("Captain Beinkusu" being an obscure in-joke from one of my much earlier fandoms.)