I recently discovered that I have gout. In case you are not familiar with this disease, it's an excruciatingly painful condition that frequently occurs in the first joint of the big toe. My first (and hopefully only!) episode of gout flared up while I was at work. In my driving foot. I have a fifteen mile commute in stop-and-go traffic. I had to drive home with my foot so swollen it hurt just being inside my shoe, much less applying any pressure to it. I'm sure people wondered why I was sitting hunched over behind the steering wheel, wincing and in tears. I began to have fantasies, brought on by the horrible pain I experienced every time I had to slow down, which meant pressing my swollen, throbbing foot firmly onto the brake pedal. This is what I fantasized about.
Disclaimer: This is an original work of fiction, but the characters of Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Wu-Fei Chang, Trowa Barton and Quatre Reberba Winner are borrowed from Gundam Wing AC by Hajime Yatate and Yoshiyuki Tomino and produced by Sunrise.
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Gundam Wing Rush Hour
Heero: What's wrong, ma'am?
Me: My foot hurts. I can't drive.
(Heero looks at the others.)
Heero: Ok, Quatre, you drive the lady. The rest of us will form a wedge. Get your headsets on.
Quatre: Sounds like a plan. Where's your car?
Me: It's the silver Taurus.
Duo: That's kind of a wimpy car.
Me: Not if you get it with the six cylinder dual overhead cam engine and the sport driving suspension.
Quatre: Ooh! And the six-disk CD changer?
Me: Absolutely.
Quatre: Excellent! Fire up the tunes! Let's hit the road.
Duo: No fair! I want to drive the lady!
Quatre: Too late!
(Quatre offers me his arm.)
Quatre: Let me help you.
Me: Thanks.
(We limp to my car. I get in the passenger side. Quatre gets in the driver's seat. He starts the engine.)
Quatre: I like the sound of that!
Heero: All right! Let's hit the road. Duo you take the red Mini. I'll drive the blue. Trowa, you're green. Wu-Fei, yellow.
(The four pilots get into their armored Mini's and we head for the freeway.)
Heero: Duo, take point.
Duo: I'm on it.
(Duo roars out into the lead, shouldering a Ford Explorer out of the way. It crashes into the center divider and rolls. The rest of us swerve around it and speed up.)
Trowa: Try not to knock them into the divider, they rebound.
Duo: Sorry.
Wu-Fei: Try to flip it onto the other side next time.
Duo: Right.
(Trowa takes right wing. Wu-Fei takes left. Quatre nudges up inside the wedge. Heero plays rabbit, leading the wedge.)
Heero: Rolling roadblock coming up.
(A rolling roadblock is when cars driving side-by-side in all the lanes are going at the same speed, usually slower than other cars want to go. They're going way slower than we want to go.)
Heero: I'll make an opening.
Duo: Gotcha.
(Heero drives between the cars in the number 1 and number 2 lanes. In the US, these are the two leftmost lanes. He pushes the car on the right into the next car over. Both drivers panic, slamming on their brakes as they collide. They skid to the right. Our wedge flies through the gap they leave.)
Duo: Nice.
Wu-Fei: Ouch! That mini-van took out the Miata.
Trowa: It's a stupid car anyway.
Quatre: How are you doing, ma'am?
Me: It hurts but I'm ok.
Heero: Cars merging ahead. Look out.
(As cars merge from the on-ramp, cars in the slow lane, number 4, move over. A Hummer in lane 3 jumps into lane 2, in front of Heero. He rams it and sends it spinning out of control.)
Duo: Yikes!
(Duo swerves to avoid the spinning Hummer. Wu-Fei drops back and ducks behind me and Quatre. We speed past as the Hummer slams into the center divider and slides to a halt. The driver looks dazed.)
Wu-Fei: Exciting.
Me: Yeah. How much gas do you suppose he burned while he was crashing?
Quatre: Heh-heh!
Trowa: Knock the next one in my direction. I want to have fun, too.
Heero: Don't get cute. Interchange coming up. We go up the right hand ramp, right lady?
Me: That's right.
Heero: It's only two lanes, tighten formation.
(Wu-Fei and Trowa fall in line behind me and Quatre. We follow Duo up the ramp. Heero drives between two cars and shoves the SUV on the left out of the way. It slides off the ramp and rolls back down onto the freeway.)
Duo: Yee-ha! Did you see the way that Honda folded up when it hit that Escalade?
Me: I hope the airbag deployed.
Wu-Fei: It did.
(We pick up speed in the turn and hit the new freeway hauling ass.)
Heero: Resume formation.
(Heero darts across the lanes, panicking other drivers into slowing down. Our wedge dives into the open lanes. A cocky twenty-something in a fancy Honda sports car tries to catch us. Wu-Fei drops back and clips him, sending him spinning into the sound wall on the right.)
Duo: Some cars are coming down that on-ramp up ahead.
Trowa: I'll take care of it.
(Trowa zips up to the merge, cuts in front of the first car and slams on his brakes. The driver slams on his brakes and tries to swerve. He spins and is broadsided by the car behind him. There is a multi-car collision on the ramp. Trowa jams on the gas and catches up with us.)
Trowa: That was fun.
Duo: Good job.
Me: Oww!
Quatre: Is it getting worse?
Me: I can't move the toe at all. Damn! It hurts just thinking about my foot.
Quatre: We need to hurry up guys. The lady needs to put her foot up with some ice.
Me: And I could use a stiff drink.
Heero: Roger that.
(Heero speeds up. The rest follow suit. Up ahead, the cars all start slowing down.)
Heero: We're taking the center shoulder. Your car's insured, ma'am?
Me: Yeah, but try not to scratch it. It's only three years old.
Quatre: No problem.
Duo: Single file, guys.
(We drop into single file formation, with Heero leading and Trowa bringing up the rear. Cars in the left lane panic when they see us coming. Many try to move to the right. Quite a few move too far and cause a ripple effect across the freeway. Horns start to honk and there are several collisions.)
Duo: Man! You'd think they never got passed on the left before. Idiots!
Heero: It gets a little narrow ahead. I'll make some room.
(He forces an Infinity to move to the right. It hits a Lexus.)
Me: Whoa. Their replacement parts cost more than my car.
Quatre: Heh-heh!
Heero: It's opening up ahead. There's an interchange.
Me: After the overpass ahead, we need to get off at the next exit.
Heero: Right.
(Everyone speeds up as cars get off at the interchange. Our wedge reforms.)
Heero: What the hell are these idiots doing?
Me: They always do this here. There's an on-ramp merging with the interchange ramp merging with the freeway where both ramps turn into exit only lanes where most of us want to get off.
Heero: Stupid fucking shit! Ok, we go left and then everyone cuts right. Clear?
Others: Clear!
(We jump single file into the left lane and speed up. The cars in the merging lanes actually come to a complete stop. The assholes really do this. I'm not making this up. We zoom past the stopped cars and then swerve right. Cars attempting to get out of the stopped lanes are cut off. A chain reaction collision begins. We dive between cars attempting to escape the collision and avoid us. One car isn't lucky. Duo clips him. He spins out of control. Quatre swerves around him. We narrowly miss hitting an SUV. Wu-Fei doesn't. He rams the SUV and it tips over, sliding along the lanes. Trowa just slips by the sliding SUV. We speed down the off-ramp.
Me: Turn right. Then turn left at the second light.
Heero: Roger.
Duo: The light's red.
Heero: Screw that. We're blowing through it.
(We blow through the light. Drivers believing they have the right of way slam on their brakes. There is a collision.)
Heero: Too much traffic ahead. We're driving on the left.
Wu-Fei: This ain't Japan.
Duo: Picky-picky!
(We drive to the corner on the wrong side of the road.)
Trowa: That's a big intersection. We should be careful.
Duo: Lucky us! The light just turned green!
(We fly around the corner from the wrong side of the road. Cars in the left hand turn lane are startled and jump to the right. There are several collisions.
Wu-Fei: Oh, good. That cleared the road.
Me: Turn right at Capitol. That's the third light.
(Thankfully, the next two lights are green, but there are many cars waiting at the Capitol intersection.)
Me: Cut through the McDonald's parking lot.
Heero: Roger that.
(We cut through the parking lot and jump onto Capitol. An oncoming car slams on his brakes and jumps the curb onto the sidewalk. We hit high gear.)
Me: Turn left at the next light. Then we go all the way up and turn right at the Moose Lodge. Then left at the first turn and right at the last intersection at the top of the hill. My house is the first one past the trees on the left. Ouch!
Quatre: Let's get a move on guys. This poor woman's in pain.
Duo: Lotta cars up ahead.
Wu-Fei: We may have to wait for the light.
Heero: Wait?
Trowa: She doesn't want her car scratched, remember?
Heero: Oh, right.
(We did not have to wait. The light thoughtfully changed for us. We race up the street. My five brave pilots show little regard for lane markings and directions of travel, much to the dismay of other drivers. There is only one more light to get through.)
Trowa: Let's make a blockade.
Heero: Good idea.
(Heero drives up the wrong side of the street and slowly noses into traffic. Cars stop in surprise. Duo follows him and they block traffic on the left. On the right, Wu-Fei and Trowa drive up the shoulder and then cut back onto the road to block cars on the right. Quatre follows them and then drives through the intersection. The other four race to resume their positions and we continue. We do not stop again until we reach the house. A lot of people ignore the stop sign by the Moose Lodge.)
Me: Thank god!
Quatre: Shall I pull into the garage?
Me: Yes, please.
(The other four wait in the street. After parking, Quatre gets into the car with Trowa. They all wave and drive away. I hobble into the house.)
Youngest child: What's wrong, Mom?
Me: My foot hurts. Get me ice. And wine.
Oldest child: Sounds like you already have whine.
Me: Shut up!