Baka Hakusho
By Lazy Kitsune
Summary: This is a parody of the manga. Yusuke Urameshi was just another teen punk with a messed up life...until he messed it up even more by dying, which lead him to being the Spirit Detective of the Underworld. (The title means "Idiot Report".)
A/N: Thanks to all my precious reviewers!! Unfortunately, I've wasted all my energy on this stupid controversial essay in which I procrastinated on for so long that I ended up doing in one night. In other words...I'm even lazier than usual! Please forgive me...if it matters, I'll give out sweets to all who reviewed the previous chapter. This is, uhh...not a bribe. (whistles innocently with shifty eyes)
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Chapter 3 – Everyone's Reaction
"You caught on quicker than I thought you would," said the blue-haired, pink kimono-clad girl.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Yusuke said, sulking as they floated aimlessly in the sky.
"Uh...nothing."
"Who the hell are you anyways?" Yusuke asked, narrowing his eyes at her.
"I'm Botan, the Grim Reaper."
"Nuh-uh."
"Yup."
"Get outta here."
"It's the truth."
"Yeah right."
"..." Botan pulled out a book. "According to my grade book..."
A picture fell out as she was flipping through the pages. Yusuke picked it up and saw a naked picture of a hobbit (a.k.a. Koenma, but you're not supposed to know that yet) using a sink as a bathtub. "Oh gawd, I've been blinded!!" Yusuke shouted, shielding his eyes as he flung the picture away.
Botan caught it and, blushing furiously, yelled at him, "That wasn't for you to see!!!"
After several hours of shouting, complaining, and, in Yusuke's case, getting whacked on the head by Botan's oar, the two hyperactive..."spiritual" beings finally calmed down enough to get on with the frickin' story.
"Now, where was I?" Botan asked. Her grade book dropped out of nowhere, bonked her on the head, and peacefully landed on the correct page onto her lap. "Oh, now I remember!" she said cheerfully, picking up the book. "Yusuke Urameshi, 14-years-old. Crude and violent..."
"Oh c'mon!" Yusuke whined. "I'm not that violent!" A fly buzzed by his ear. "What was that, you stupid fly?! You wanna fight?! Bring it on!!!" He tries to slap the fly, but, him being a ghost, it was impossible.
"...impatient and reckless..."
"I'm not impatient...but would you just hurry up already?!"
"...has sticky fingers...give that back Yusuke..." she said, stretching out her hand. Yusuke pouted and handed back the pocketbook that he had just stolen from her. "...and a stupid brain. Fights, extorts, shoplifts, smokes, drinks, gambles, has a reserved seat in the guidance counselor's office, etc., etc...A real devil's delinquent, ain'tcha? I wonder why they hired you to be the hero of this story..."
"Heh...I am quite charming, y'know."
"Oh, I know! They must've been desperate!" Botan cheerfully concluded, shutting her book. Yusuke gave her a death glare. "Uhh...why don't we go see the little boy you rescued?"
"Like I care..."
"Let's go see, why don't we?" she continued, oblivious to Yusuke's previous comment.
After getting lost 7 times and asking directions from a squirrel, cat, and baby koala, Yusuke and Botan finally made it to the general hospital, where they saw the kid with his mom and the doctor. The little boy had about 10 band-aids on his finger.
"...your child is okay, ma'am," the doctor was saying. "We managed to stitch his little paper cut and the few scratches that he got when his ball hit him on the head."
"Oh, that's such a relief!" the kid's mother said. "That ball is a hazard! It could've given him a concussion!" The doctor nodded, smiling. "But what about the boy who saved him?"
"Well, we finally found out after a thorough investigation; he got run over by a car!" the doctor answered.
"...Wha-what?!" the mom said, shocked. "Run over by a car?!"
"Yup, smacked hard by a car and got killed dead!" the doctor replied cheerfully. The mother just stood there in shock.
"Y-you mean...he died to save Masaru...?"
"That's the gist of it."
"Phew!" the mother said, sighing with relief. "I thought it was something serious!"
Yusuke and Botan looked at each other. "Okay then..." Yusuke said, "the dumb kid lives, and I got killed. That's so fair," he added sarcastically.
"..."
"Well," Yusuke said after a moment's thought, "I guess I'm as good as dead anyways. Botan, was it? Might as well take me to hell...where I'll be waiting for that stupid little bastard who got to survive while I got killed..."
Botan looked at him for a moment and burst out laughing.
– Several hours later... –
"What the hell is so funny?!" Yusuke finally asked.
"You idiot!" Botan snickered as she whacked him on the head with her oar. "You've got the wrong idea! I'm not here to take you anywhere."
"...Well, that totally defeats your purpose in the story."
"I've got a different purpose in your case. I'm here to see if you're interested in taking the test to return to life!"
"Test...? Come back...to life...?"
Now it was Yusuke's turn to laugh.
– Several hours later... –
"What the hell is so funny?!" Botan finally asked.
"I thought..." Yusuke began after he regained control, "I thought...you said 'come back to life.' That was a good one, Botan!"
"But I'm serious!" the ferrywoman whined. "Your death was unexpected down in the underworld! Not even the great Buddha had any idea you would risk your life to save a kid, so there's no place for you yet in heaven or hell!"
"So...what you're trying to say is..." Yusuke said after a moment of digesting Botan's explanation, "that there's no frickin' place for me?!" Then he started losing it. "Then what the bloody hell did I die for if my death wasn't in your schedule?!"
"Well, I didn't wanna tell you yet, since it would both bum you out and hurt your brain," Botan told him as she pulled out her grade book, "but that kid would've given that car the right-of-way if you didn't rush to save him, and he would've 'miraculously' survived the empty freeway without a scratch!" She tried to put as much emphasis on the important words Yusuke probably wouldn't understand.
"'Without...a scratch...'" Yusuke repeated, trying his best to follow.
"Yup, that kid's mom told him not to cross streets without looking both ways for cars, unlike your mom," Botan said. "So, as much as I 'hate' to say this...your death was totally...POINTLESS!"
"...'Pointless'..." Yusuke repeated. Word blocks spelling P-O-I-N-T-L-E-S-S dropped on his head, but he didn't seem to notice. "...'Pointless' she says..." Then he realized what Botan just said and saw the word blocks balancing on his head. "MY DEATH WAS POINTLESS?!?!"
"Yeah, it must really suck to be you!" the blue-haired girl said cheerfully. "Instead of no one getting hurt, the kid somehow gets a few scrapes and a paper cut while you DIE! Nice work, MORON!!" She whacked him on the head with her grade book along with the big word blocks spelling M-O-R-O-N, D-E-A-T-H, and P-O-I-N-T-L-E-S-S that dropped on his head.
Yusuke tried to regain his balance as he brushed off the blocks. "Why...why you...!" he said, almost punching Botan.
"Now, calm down!" Botan said, trying to save her life. "Death isn't always permanent! Not in your case anyway. You can take the test, if you think you're good enough."
"..." Yusuke put his fist back down.
"I'm told this sorta thing crops up now and then, about every 100 years or so on average," she continued. "To tell the truth, I've never really heard of it. My boss just told me that you'd be use – I mean, you'd like it." She sweatdropped. "Anyways, you won't rest in peace in your current state, that's for sure."
"..."
"I can't say what the test is, but you have nothing to lose by taking it. It's not a bad deal, if you think about it."
"...Nng...naw, I'll pass."
"Oka...SAY WHAT?!"
"I really can't see anything wrong with being a ghost," Yusuke said. He turned into cat mode. "Hey, think of all the naked chics I get to see!" Botan whacked him (for the third time mentioned) on the head with her oar, turning him back into normal. "Ow! I'm serious! What would I amount to if I came back to life anyways?!"
"...Gee..." Botan said after thinking a while. "Well, you are pretty hopeless..."
"No one I know is gonna miss me...They'd only curse their luck if I...revived." Yusuke tried to make the moment tense. "My mom's young...just 29."
"So she was 15 when she had you?"
"Yup, and if..."
"Wow! Didn't anyone tell her that abstinence was the answer?"
"I'm talkin' here!" Yusuke said angrily, hitting her on the head. "Anyways, as I was saying, if I weren't around, she might stand a chance of finding a decent man."
"She still is your mother, Yusuke," Botan said thoughtfully. "You might've inherited your hopelessness from her..."
"SHADDUP!"
"So fatalistic...and you're only 6?"
"I'm 14, smartass!"
"Oh...well, you don't have to decide right away." Botan began to rise.
"Wait, Botan! You're not dying, are you?!" Yusuke asked frantically. "DON'T LOOK INTO THE LIGHT, BOTAN!!! BOTAN!!!"
"I'm not dying, wise guy!" Botan shouted. "I'm just leaving for a while! Think about it while you attend your wake! You can give me your answer afterward!" Then she disappeared in a flash of light.
"..."
And so...let us fast-forward to Yusuke's wake.
– At Yusuke's Wake... –
There were lots of bright neon lights flashing from the Urameshi residence. Inside, there was a lot of loud music, beer, sweets, and partying. Atsuko Urameshi was singing karaoke.
"...I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright, so I'm breaking the habit...I'm breaking the habit...I'm breaking the habit, tonight!" (A/N: I don't own these lyrics, Linkin Park does.)
After that last note, Atsuko collapsed right next to Yusuke's coffin. She looked at Yusuke's crappy portrait and laughed.
"Dude, he looks so stoned!" she shrieked as she took a big ol' swig of her beer. Then she dropped the bottle and fell next to Yusuke's coffin, now hysterical. "Yusuke, why don't ya get outta there and join the party?! There's lotsa beer...your favorite brand!!"
"I think he's dead, Atsuko," Keiko said, helping the poor woman on booze back up on her feet. Suddenly, all the partying stopped.
"Urameshi's dead...?" the guests murmured. "I thought it was his birthday...!"
"Yusuke...dead...?" Atsuko stopped acting high-ish and stared into space.
Yusuke watched as they quickly shoved all the party things away (but kept all the "good" stuff out) and miraculously stuffed it all into a closet. Yusuke shook his head and noticed some students laughing. "What the...I'm dead and they're laughing?!' he thought. 'Oh, that's right...they must be high.' Then he saw Keiko leave the house, crying. 'Keiko...'
"I can't believe I took a sip of alcohol and had a small puff of a cigarette!!" Keiko sobbed. "Now my record's ruined!" Yusuke anime fainted.
"Yup, that's Keiko!" he said to himself.
"Man, you took too much of that beer! Your judgment's impaired!" a voice yelled.
"I don't care! Lemme go!" another voice shouted.
"I know that voice..." Yusuke muttered. He turned and saw...who do ya think? "KUWABARA?!?! Who the hell invited him to my wake?!"
"Damn you, Urameshi!" Kuwabara screamed. "You think dyin' squares us?!"
"Geez, Kuwabara, you're drunk again!" Ohkubo snapped.
"I'm the one supposed to put you down, y'hear me?!" Kuwabara continued. "Now, get yer bloody corpse outta that coffin and fight...me...nng..." Kuwabara fainted, and his gang quickly scurried off with him.
"Talk about issues..." Yusuke muttered.
"Who were they?" Iwamoto asked, taking a huge drag off a joint.
"Apparently, Urameshi used to hang out with some of them," Akashi replied, exhaling smoke from his huge nostrils. "Bunch o' thugs, 'course."
"Of course," Iwamoto agreed, exhaling smoke as well. "Their kind don't respect anything." He took a sip of beer. "Well, at least Urameshi died doing a good deed. That actually improves our school's reputation, even if the teachers get high as well as the students."
"Personally, I think he chased the kid out into the street and just happened to get in the way of the car," Akashi said, burping and tossing away his empty beer can.
"Heh...more than likely," Iwamoto replied, finishing his beer.
"YOU DAMN PAIR OF MOTHER-&$ERS!!" Yusuke shouted. "TWISTIN' THINGS 'ROUND LIKE THAT!!!"
Something big and scary reached out and grabbed the two stoned teachers' shoulders. They turned and (GASP) saw Takenaka glaring at them. Then he smiled and said in the sweetest voice, "Let's get another beer!"
"Takenaka...!" Yusuke growled as the three teachers went to the refreshments table.
Takenaka then walked over and bowed to Atsuko. Then he turned to Yusuke's coffin. "Yusuke, I was surprised when I heard you saved that kid. You, of all people..." He shuddered for a moment. "...Oh well, time for another beer!" Yusuke anime fainted as he got up and rejoined Iwamoto and Akashi in the refreshments table.
"Yusuke...dead...?" Atsuko repeated, still staring ahead of her. Then her head dropped to her knees and began snoring.
"..." Yusuke took a good close look at everyone in the wake and remembered their faces. Gee, I wonder why...
Presently, Masaru and his mother (who was covering his eyes and ears) arrived. "Pay your respects to the nice boy..." his mom told him.
"Okay. Hi Yusuke!" Masaru greeted. "Thanks for saving me!"
"Damn right, you little son of a &$!" Yusuke growled. "I died for no damn reason!"
As they were leaving, Masaru asked his mother, "Mommy? Why was the boy inside the box? Was he sleeping?"
"Uhh...he was stoned, honey."
"Mommy, we should come back when he's out of the box!" Masaru said happily, thinking it was a smart thing to say. "That way, we can be 'stoned' together!" His mother just looked at him shocked.
Yusuke watched them. Then he laughed hysterically. "Hey, Botan!" he called out.
Botan appeared behind him. "BOO!"
"YIIIIIIIIIIIIKESS!!!" Yusuke shouted and whacked her.
"Okay, what do you want?" Botan asked.
"Everyone is either happy about my death, or is just too stoned to care," Yusuke replied.
"Oh, so I guess you were wrong," Botan said.
"...That's why...I'll take this test!"
"...?!"
"I'll take it out of spite of everyone!!" Yusuke continued, encouraged by Botan's speechlessness. "That way, I can beat the holy crap outta everyone who came to my wake!!"
Botan anime fainted.
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A/N: So ends this chapter. Coming up next: "The Test!" (hands out sweets to reviewers) Please review this chapter too! It was uber-long just for you!! Seriously, my fingers are killing me...