Something For The Pain

by Radiorox

Days before New Years Eve, Harm is lost and presumed dead leaving Mac to deal with her emotions. But, is he really gone or did something more sinister occur?

10. Too Tired To Give Up

Hey gang!

Here's another part. I am surprised the story has lasted this long. When I started writing it I figured it would wrap up in about 8-10 chapters. It's looking like I can probably get 15-16 chapters out of this baby before going to the sequel. :) I just finished editing part 13 and started adding to part 14. Basically I have the story layed out by chapters along with conversations and then I add in the rest. Somewhere around Part 3 I thought I'd bitten off more than I could chew, but I've surprised myself!

Thanks to: XBlueShadowX, Aimee5, Charmboy4, starryeyes10, Nikki, dansingwolf, jag4ever, lei, Jackia, EternalSleep, Cristina, Tina Frank, achaon, Abigaile, Hieros Gamos, froggy0319, joanoa, JadeAlmasy, SpaceMan546, dansingwolf, carbygirl , JAGJenni, Manda, starryeyes, BiteBeccy, ng59678, LtColDevilDog, martini, mizukimarr, jtbwriter, Macaroon, Lissie, n.k, Lt.jgMegAustin, cbw, dansingwolf, Apion, alix33, jnp, MacHarm4Ever, Tania, Macaroon, harmfan, and anyone else I missed for the Feedback..

PART 10 – Too Tired To Give Up

July 5, 2005
0330 Zulu
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown

Harm sighed. "I was thinking of you. Of how I lov. . .cared for you so much." He didn't look at her then, for fear of her seeing the nightmares in his eyes. "I was, saying some silent prayer, that I would come back, that we could fix things and then I heard the gun shot. . . I didn't even know Temir was there."

"He didn't shoot you?" It was more of a statement than a question. Mac had checked every inch of his body along with Steve and knew that Harm didn't have any bullet wounds. Hell, if he'd been shot, with all of the things that he'd been describing, he probably wouldn't be alive now. Mac swallowed hard at that thought and chastised it down.

Harm shook his head. "No, he shot David Anderson, a Marine Gunny that was originally sent in by the CIA to capture Temir." There was blood all over the floor, brains splattered against the wall and onto Andy and the other two captives. Harm had rushed Temir, trying to take the gun away from him. For his efforts he received a strong kick to his midsection and a whack over the head with the pistol. "I know I was out for a while because of hit. . .When I came to, God. . . All I wanted was to be unconscious again." He stared at her now, then looked away, ashamed of what he was going to say. "When I had the ramp strike, I wanted to die. . . Things were, out of control, I had to learn to walk again, Mace's death was on my conscience . .But, I had people helping me, pushing me. . . Christ Mac, when I woke up, Temir's men had me strung up by my ankles. . .They rolled down my flight suit and ripped my undershirt so my chest was bare. . . Steel wool and car batteries."

Mac shivered visibly, looking away from him at the thoughts of him suffering that pain. Clay's screams echoed in the distance. She didn't want to imagine those glottal cries coming from Harm. "Sadik happily told me once that it was amazing how much power a car battery held."

"Yea." His mind was already back there, suffering the pain all over again.

February 15, 2004
0610 Zulu
Somewhere In Canada

Shock. His body was going into shock. Everything was shutting down. Harm prayed, to God. But reprieve didn't come. "Oh God." The words came out before he had a chance to hold them back. But, that's when the men stopped torturing his body. When he finally managed to open his eyes and look around, he noticed that he was in a barn and he was hanging upside down.

Temir smirked as he walked towards Harm. "Yes, Allah is all around us. He is good and merciful. It is he that allows this to continue." He grabbed a whip from one of the stables and bent it a few times. "But, Harmon. . ." He dragged the tip of the whip down Harm's back, stopping to smack him once. Squatting down, he grabbed Harm's hair and tugged his head back. "We'll make a deal, yes? Pray to Allah, or whatever you want to call him. . . Pray for a sign. And when he sends it, I will stop." He stepped back, gave the whip a good swing.

The crack from the whip had Harm tensing. He closed his eyes tightly, preparing himself for the first lash. It seemed Temir liked mental torture as well as physical. Several times the whip would crack close to his body, but just not close enough. Maybe Allah had given him a sign? No dice. He managed to bite back from screaming from the first lash. The second landed on fresh skin. The third landed between both of the previous lashes. He bit is lower lip so hard that it bled. By the fourth lash, he could no longer help but cry out.

Twenty minutes later, after his body had passed out from the exertion, Harm was placed back in the cabin. But, Temir was not tired of messing with his play things. He reached for Andy Watson next.

March 3, 2005
1810 Zulu
Somewhere In Canada

If you'd have asked any of the captured what day it was, non of them could give you an answer. All they knew was that it was cold and miserable. One of the other men captured, a CIA agent named Leslie McMahan had died two days prior from, what Harm figured, was pneumonia. It was a surprisingly sunny day outside, something different from the impending gloom that plagued the weather for most of their stay.

"S-sir?" Harm turned to find Marine Sergeant Luis Davies, David Anderson's partner, starting at him with cold eyes. "We're all going to die, aren't we sir?"

Harm would have liked to have said no, but it wasn't looking good. All of the bravado, all of his beliefs in his country had been beaten out of him. He was shattered. "I think so, Luis. . .and I told you to call me Harm." Angrily, he scrubbed at a cut on his hand, a gift given to him from the woman that had now taken over the job from one of Temir's men. They had come for Andy again, and, as Harm tried to overpower the young woman, she took out a knife. It wasn't a deep cut, thankfully she didn't seem to be very skilled as the others. "We have to try and escape."

Luis shook his head. "We can't. . .Before you came, someone tried and they. . . shot him."

"Being shot is a welcome death compared to what Leslie went though." Harm said out loud, no longer caring about censoring his thoughts. "Everyone probably thinks we're dead anyway." He spat out bitterly. He could only imagine what yarn they spun to his friends and family. True, he was, officially Navy. But, the unofficial part is what sucked. Even if you slightly worked for the CIA, they owned a part of you. He knew he should have never taken this mission. But, what was he supposed to do? Fly to Fallon and ignore an order? With a hiss, he managed to stand and walk around the small cabin. As much as he'd wanted someone to find him, he knew of only would person that could.

July 5, 2005
0345 Zulu
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown

"I did try, Harm. . . Everyday, sometimes so much I'd be drained from the effort." Mac frowned. What good was her 'gift' if she couldn't find the man she loved?

Harm slid down on the bed and laid next to her. His hand softly traced her facial features, stopping to wipe away a tear that cascaded down her cheek. "I didn't want you to find me, Sarah."

The words struck her so hard, she didn't even register that he'd called her by her given name. "What?"

"I gave up on praying for something to get me out of there because I knew it wouldn't happen, so I prayed for something else." He gazed at her intently, her big brown eyes pulling him in like a magnet. Harm hoped she would forgive him. "I prayed that you wouldn't find me. . . that your gift would stop working for me."

"Why?" She choked out, finally understanding how strong the connection truly was between them.

Harm sighed. "I couldn't. . .Didn't want you to be there too. . . I didn't want you to rush in there and have them take you too." He brushed off the tear that fell from his eyes as the thoughts of Mac being hurt came to his mind. "God, Mac all I could think about was walking in and finding you on that table in Paraguay. . . I couldn't see you there again. . . I didn't care about dying and by then I was so tired that torture was just routine. . . It's you I care about. . .I would have told them anything if it meant keeping you alive and unhurt."

Mac sat up, turning away from him. Now it made sense. She wasn't defective, she wasn't useless. Somehow he'd stopped her for her sake. Because he loved her, though he didn't say so, she felt it now, stronger than ever. "I would have given anything to save you, Harm."

"You did, Mac. . . getting back was what kept part of me from going crazy."

Slowly she turned and laid back next to him. She extended her hand, trailing her hands over his arms. "Then why this? What is it some sick consolation prize to make you a junkie?"

Harm shook his head. "No. . .that was their idea of fun. They'd use the morphine to take the edge away which only made it hurt more in the end."

April 19, 2005
2300 Zulu
Somewhere In Canada

The woman was a bit of an enigma to him. Her eyes were dark and mysterious, almost like Mac's, Harm decided. One of Temir's men kept a filthy boot on Harm's chest, pinning him down to the ground as the woman kindly shoved the needle into his vein. He groaned in protest and was awarded with a kick to his ribs, it was a miracle they hadn't broken yet.

As she finished, Harm saw something in the woman's eyes. If he wasn't totally delusional, he saw kindness and maybe love? He'd noticed her watching him, sometimes as if in pain over what they did to him. They would force her to partake, which she did due to fear of being of the captives herself. When she walked out of the cabin, he was completely alone. Andy had been taken again for questioning. Luis had finally cracked and as a result, was shot in the head, something that Harm was welcoming more and more with each passing day. Along with his daily shots of morphine, the woman would inject something that had to have been an antibiotic. At least, that is what he figured, if not some sort of infection would have claimed his life by now.

The drug worked it's magic on his body, causing him to fall into a hazy sleep. When he awoke, he found Andy's bloodied body laying next to his. When had they brought him in? Was he so out of it that he couldn't remember? "Andy?" He nudged him gently, turning the man over so that he could check and make sure he was alive. "Hey, Andy? Andy, stay with me pal." He practically pleaded.

A glottal groan was his response as his eyes slowly adjusted and focused on Harm. "Harm?"

"Yea, it's me. . ." Standing, Harm helped Andy get as comfortable as they could on the stone floor. The man was looking at him with this strange expression as if he knew he was going to die. They'd all thought of it before, it was difficult not to. But, from Andy's expression, Harm saw the man finally giving up.

His breathing was shaky, shallow. "I can't take anymore. . ."

"You have to." Harm said as gently as possible.

"No." Andy drew out as his eyes searched out Harm's. "No I don't. . .Look, if we tell them. . .."

"They'll kill us anyway. I know we're going to die, but I'd prefer to die with some dignity."

Andy snorted at that. "Dignity? Buddy, that was taken away from us the day we got here. . .At least death would come quicker."

Though Harm agreed on Andy's last point, the fighter in him wouldn't be ready to give up. "I am too tired to give up."

Their conversation came to a halt as the door opened and Temir stood by. "Aah. You're awake. . . good." He pointed to the two men and ordered, "Bring them both. . . I have an idea."

As was done each and every time they were taken out of their cell, Andy and Harm were blindfolded and cuffed. They were led out of the cabin, down a path they couldn't see and into, what Harm not-so-lovingly called: the Terror Room. Even blindfolded he knew where he was. There was that stench of rotting flesh that always welcomed him. It was mixed with a smell of mold, humidity and something that he couldn't quite put his finger on. "On your knees, Commander." Temir said, sweeping Harm's legs so that he would drop roughly onto the floor. Harm cringed as he felt his bad knee ache, but defiantly, he bit back a scream. When the blindfold was removed, he was able to look up at Temir who was pacing with a CIA file folder in his hand. The folder was held up and inside was a file labeled 'WANTED FOR TREASON' along side of Harm's USN photo. "You are a sailor, yes? Well, I hope you can hold your breath."

Once he was turned around, he found himself kneeling before a tank of putrid water. Mold and algae were in the corners of the tank and he could see the itty particles of larvae floating through it. He barely got a chance to take a breath before his head was shoved under. At first, he tried not to fight, to concentrate on something else as he held his breath. But soon, as the nitrogen filled his blood, a little voice from deep inside kept telling him to breathe in.

After what seemed to be a lifetime, they rose his body up, allowing him a few precious moments to take a deep breath. "Look at the Commander, Mr. Watson, don't you want to help him?"

Harm shot Andy a look as best he could. "Damnit Watson, don't you dare!" For his outburst, his head was shoved back into the water and this time, he could feel the murky substance invading his mouth, nose and finally his lungs. When they rose him back up, he retched all of the water, sputtering a few times as it came out of his lungs.

Temir just stood by, laughing as Harm tried to get his bearings. "You are a strong man, Commander. When we are done with you, Allah should be very delighted to have you in his company."

"FUCK YOU." He ground out angrily and was surprised when, for once, they didn't do anything in retaliation. At least, not to him. He heard a thud followed by a groan. It was Andy.

Looking towards the left, he found Andy being strung up by his wrist and hoisted up. Harm knew what was coming next. "Don't do this. . . Please!" Andy said, moving as best as he could to turn towards Temir. "Please, sir. . .I'll tell you anything!"

"Andy NO!" Harm yelled. He tried to stand, to stop the savagery that was about to happen and was easily brought down again. "You gave an oath. . ."

He was sobbing so badly that his body shook from the exertion. "It doesn't mean anything anymore, Harm. . .I'm sorry."

Temir stared up at Andy, tapping his chin in thought. "I don't think you are going to tell me the truth, Mr. Watson. Besides, what I really need is everything the Commander knows." He grinned and signaled for the men to start using the car batteries and steel wool. Harm tried to look away, but they turned his head, and held his eyes open, forcing him to watch each gruesome shock.

In the end, Andy Watson gave them nothing, proving to be stronger than even Harm believed him to be. "Oh God. . . Please take me now. . .Please."

"Ah, another who wishes for Allah's mercy?" Temir took a pistol out of one of the guard's holsters and held it against Andy's head. "What do you think, Commander? Point and shoot?" Harm looked away, which only gave him another idea. Temir walked swiftly towards Harm, emptied all but one bullet from the pistol and handed it to Harm who looked up at him with a questioning glance. "It's not for you to shoot me, Commander. If you try, these men will kill you and Mr. Watson in the most heinous way. I am not sure you want that."

Harm shrugged. "So what's it for?"

"Point and shoot." Temir pointed towards Andy, then grinned down at Harm who stared at him in disbelief.

He just dropped the gun as if it had burnt him. "I am not shooting my partner."

"Well, either you do, or we give him another round. Either way he is going to die."

Harm stared at Andy whom he could hear muttering incoherently. "I am not murdering anyone."

"Oh come now, Commander. You were a fighter pilot, surely you must know that you've murdered before. Even if it was for America, you still did it. . .And this would be an act of kindness. . .of humanity."

"How did I get so lucky?" He stated with sarcasm as he weighed the gun in his hand.

Temir squatted down next to Harm and lifted his head up by his chin. "Allah likes you. He likes your friend too. . .It's time for them to meet."

"Do it, Harm!" Andy managed to scream before his body was wracked again with sobs that would never ever leave Harm's memory. "Please." He whispered, opening his eyes as best he could to stare at his friend. "Please."

"God forgive me." The pistol came up and Harm fought hard against the shakes his body was giving him. This was a colleague, a friend. He was doing it only because he was begged to. Angling the weapon, he pointed as best he could towards Andy's head then pulled the trigger. As Andy Watson's life came to an end, all Harm could wish for was to have another bullet so he could turn the gun on himself.

July 5, 2004
0420 Zulu
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown

"I killed him." Harm cried as Mac soothingly wrapped her arms around his body. So it was true, but not quite the way the CIA had painted it. It wasn't murder, it was some macabre act of humanity; a request from a friend. "I kill him, Mac. . . And later, I find out. It was MY gun. . .They'd used MY service weapon."

Mac was fighting back her own tears as she soothed him. What he had gone through, no one should have been allowed. She wished, with all of her might that Temir got his along with anyone else that helped his asinine methods. "How did you escape?" She asked gently, pulling him out of her embrace as she was worried about hurting him.

"The woman." He said gently. "The woman helped me escape."

June 12, 2005
2100 Zulu
Somewhere In Canada

Harm still couldn't tell you what day it was, but by the temperature, he could tell they were heading towards spring. The days were a bit warmer, the sun shone a bit brighter and his mood was as dark as ever. Somehow, he'd managed to survive on pure luck. Well, luck and the fact that Temir's men were tailing a Canadian Army convoy in hopes of snatching their weapons.

The woman, one who he knew spoke English but refused to speak to him, had been a godsend. He realized that, in her own way, she was caring for him. It was, after Andy had died and he'd received a fresh round from Temir's boys that he realized they'd been shooting him up with morphine. No, they weren't being merciful, only managing his pain so that the next round of torture would hurt just as bad as before. It was those moments between pain management and torture that were the worst.

Mac was still in his mind but becoming a distant memory. It's not that he didn't want to think of her, but he was afraid that any thought process would tip her off to his location. Yes, she was strong, tough, a fine Marine, but even fine Marine's had gotten themselves into messes with mad men. Harm would never forgive himself if she'd been a casualty of whatever this was. The separation had hurt him more than any infliction of pain could. But, what nearly broke him was a the day that he'd swore to himself that he'd stop thinking about Mac. That day, his heart broke in pieces.

"It didn't work." He'd barely heard Temir enter the room and only really came to when he found his head being yanked up. It was a miracle he had any hair left at all. "It didn't work." He was referring to the codes Harm had given him in order to start up the Aurora's.

Harm looked at the man and laughed, the codes were fake. By now, he was so desperate for death that some of his wit was starting to surface. He was trying anything to piss them off enough to have them whack him. "What? You mean the instructions you got of the Internet were no good? That sucks!" But, maybe the comedic approach was a bad idea? "Oooof." The punch to his gut wasn't expected, not that he could do anything if it were. He hadn't had anything but moldy bread and water for the past two weeks. "That all you got?" He ground out and received another punch in the gut. Harm was baiting him, hoping to God his death would come quickly. But, God disappointed him once again as he heard Temir's men calling him out.

"You and I, Commander. . . We'll finish this later." He spat.

Harm gave him a mock salute and whatever grin he could muster. "Looking forward to it."

A few minutes had past before he saw the woman coming into his cabin. There was a stillness in the air, the same he'd felt when the men were gone. "You no speak to Temir like that." She said in a heavy accented form of English.

His eyes widened. "You speak English."

"Little." The woman took a wet rag and passed it over his dry and cracked lips, causing him to wince. "I sorry."

"Why are you helping me?" She had started working on the wounds on his arms, covering them with some sort of goo that resembled aloe. "What's your name?"

"Khadija." She head kept low, as if in shame that she was even speaking to him.

"Khadija, that's a pretty name." He sat up a bit, wincing as the pain from his fresh whip marks were getting the best of him. "You are different from the men. . . At first you would hurt me, why not now?"

"They not know what they do." She said simply, taking another swipe at the gash on his forehead. "Tell them what you know. They won't stop until you do."

Harm shook his head. "I can't. They'll have to kill me."

"They won't." She stared firmly, her eyes never leaving his. "They stop, wait for you to better. Then start again." Tugging at his arm, she showed him the pinprickish mark. "I give pain medicine. But, pain will be more soon."

As she worked on helping Harm, another man stepped into the cabin, barked a few words in Farsi. To him, it seemed like she'd had enough of it all, or maybe he was just wishing for it. They were arguing back and forth and, to Harm's surprise, the woman took out a pistol and shot the man. Quickly after, she turned to Harm and handed him the gun. "You free. . . Run."

Harm stared at the weapon in disbelief. Was this just some sort of trick? What if he were to be punished worse for trying to escape? "Why are you helping me?" She helped him stand and head out of the cabin. Once outside the sun shone down on him, making his eyes squint from the bombardment of light.

Khadija led him through, what appeared to be, a small village and into another cabin that housed the weapons. "Take cloths off." Doing as told, he stripped down to his skivvies as she handed him fresher clothing to wear. She set him up with another pistol and slid into his pocket two vials of morphine and a needle. "It will help." She walked him to the barn, the place were Harm had spent so many days and nights at the brink of losing sanity, then walked towards the back where some sort of military looking jeep was housed. "You go now. . . Small time."

Harm nodded and jumped into the jeep. It was taking all of his efforts not to pass out, but he would do that later, once he could do more than taste freedom. She explained, as best possible where their location was on a map. From what Harm cold decipher, they were being held somewhere near the Maritimes in Canada. Good, at least he hadn't somehow wound up out of North America. Reaching his hand out, he offered it to her. "Come with me."

"I cannot. . . You go."

"But they'll kill you for helping me."

She smiled slightly as his chivalry and shook her head. "I die soon. . . Cancer. . . You go. . go!" Leaning towards Harm, she kissed him softly on the lips then stepped away, a blush tainting her cheeks.

"Thank you. May Allah help you." Without any other words, Harm put the jeep in gear and started down an un-maintained gravel road when he spotted both spy planes. He drove the jeep towards them and left it running as he jumped out and went under one plane and then the other, removing an integral part of it's organs: the master circuit board. "Let's see you try to use these babies now." He said with a grin, then headed back to the jeep.

July 5, 2005
0430 Zulu
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown

"It took me nearly a month to get home. I had to find a way to evade the boarder guards. Sometimes I walked, sometimes I hitchhiked." Harm sighed deeply. "I had to get home and when I did, I didn't find the relief I was looking for." He said with a frown. No, when he got home, he was met with the notion that the Agency really did believe he was a traitor. "I tried going to my apartment first, I don't know why. . .force of habit. And when I got there, I found two Agents casing the place. . . I somehow managed to knock them both out then got a look at the file in their possession." The file had nothing more than the details he already knew, they were looking for him.

Mac shook her head in disgust. "Yea, Clay's been coming by for the same reason. He believed you'd show up here. They sent him to capture you if you did."

"I'm sorry I got you into this mess. It's the last thing I wanted." He turned away with her, hating that he didn't think any better about the situation he'd put her in. "I'm so sorry." But, Mac wrapped a hand over his, soothing the demons that he wasn't sure would ever leave him.

"It's what we do Harm and I intend on seeing this through because I am nothing without you." What she said had an effect on him, more than a thousand declarations of love. Sarah MacKenzie wasn't the type to wear her emotions so close to the sleeve, neither was he for that matter which always made them clash in matters of the heart. When she opened her arms to him, Harm could do nothing more than allow her to take away his pain.

--

Jackia – Harm will be alright and he'll have a new adventure. . .With Mac. ;)

Alix – Thank you! This story is different, that's for sure. The dynamic duo will get out of this one. :)

JNP – I like cliffhangers, a lot. Actually, some just happen. I write, get to a part and go "Okay stopping here, next chapter please."

Jtbwriter – LOL! See! I am not THAT bad! I added some hope! Webb the weasel is going to have something of his own to deal with soon enough. ;) And he will be bugging our duo in the future, just not how everyone thinks.

Carby – Mac and Steele. . . He's going to ask for it and it's been fun putting that scene together. Actually, Steele's gonna get it from Bud first. ;)

Charmboy – You lazy person you! – Spook's will get sixes kicked soonish!

Bite Beccy – You were right! The gun shot did not hit Harm, but it was a nice cliffhanger. ;)

Nikki – I have you nervous? I am sorry! But, trust me, it's a good bang. – God that sounds sick. LOL!

LtJGmeg – Webb's involvement, in a nutshell is because the CIA needs someone "on the inside" of Mac's life to see if Harm makes contact with her. What's happened is that, since he still cares for her, he relents turning Harm in and is allowing him to be okay before they talk. He's basically being used but doesn't really know it yet. Dork that he is.

NK – yep, didn't want to use the usual baddies, I mean, Temir. . . well, he's a tad bit more harsh.

Xblue – Ebilish it is! And Calix , yer fired! Not doing enough of a good job dood! I mean, what's she doing lose and harassing me?! Oh wait, I don't mind the harassment. Hehehe, nevermind. ;) Oh and you can't harm my characters!! That would be a breech of reader/writer contract that I just came up with. :::points to line 2,330,440::: – Readers shall not harm writer's characters in anyway! – See! ;P

Harmfan – Don't keep up with my "times" too much, they are put there because they look cool not because it's meant to follow things along. Well, cept the dates, the dates are needed because I was losing it with the flashbacks ;) As for Harm awakening fact, chalk it up to him feeling her in trouble! Writers privilege! ;)

Froggy – Ups and downs, huh? More like a roller coaster ride in hell with absolutely no restraints. LOL! ::whistles:: I've had people e-mail me to the likes of "The story is great, but THANK GOD you don't really write for JAG." Not sure how to interpret that. ;)

Take care gang! Next part on Thursday!