Baka Hakusho
By Lazy Kitsune
Summary: This is a parody of the manga. Yusuke Urameshi was just another teen punk with a messed up life...until he messed it up even more by dying, which lead him to being the Spirit Detective of the Underworld. (The title means "Idiot Report".)
A/N: Thanks for reviewing! Sorry this took so long to get out...I lent my YYH Vol. 1 to some of my friends. The rating went up to Pg-13. Yusuke is too violent, what was I thinking making it a PG story with him as the protagonist!...Oh well, enjoy!
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Chapter 5 – Yusuke's Last Visit...Boo-hoo
When we last left off, the Spirit World had granted our, er..."hero" Yusuke the chance to come back to life (smart idea), and now his soulless body sleeps, protected by his drunken mother and goody-goody friend Keiko, who found that his heart was beating again. The two women were watching his body.
"He looks like he's asleep," Atsuko said for the tenth time that day.
"I know, Atsuko, I know," Keiko said exasperated. "That's the tenth time you've said that today!"
"Hey, hey, let's put leeks up his nose!" Atsuko giggled like a schoolgirl. (A/N: I don't own that quote)
Keiko massaged her temples. "Is Yusuke worth this trouble...?" she asked herself. "I don't know anymore..."
– Outside the Urameshi Residence –
"What's this!" Yusuke shouted angrily. "I take precious time off my schedule to talk to her personally, and she ends up doubtful! I'm working with fools here!"
"Why don't you talk to her again?" Botan asked.
"Yeah, I'll do that!" Yusuke agreed. "I can take some time off..."
"How sweet!" the blue haired ferry girl chirped. "Taking time off your daily floating to say your last words to Keiko!"
"Yeah...wait a minute!" Yusuke faced Botan angrily. "Did you just say 'last words'! And how dare you say floating is a waste of time!"
"I never said that! I love floating!"
"Yeah, well, you meant it!"
"Anyways, today is your last chance to talk to them."
Yusuke thought about those words for a moment as he tried to draw a conclusion from them. "Hey, up yours! You mean I'm gonna die after all!" he shouted angrily, grabbing Botan by the collar.
"I never said that!" Botan yelled.
"Yeah, well, you meant it!"
"Oy, I think we've been through this road before..." Botan muttered. "Look, Yusuke, this might be a little too much for you to comprehend, but try to pay attention!" She took a deep breath before launching into a speech. "You just can't talk to them until you come back to life! It's the rules."
"Rules!" the teen punk cried out. "Dammit! Everywhere I go there's at least one freakin' rule!"
"Well, that's life, buster!"
"This is the afterlife!"
"Whatever! Still has 'life' in it!" They had a glaring contest before Botan continued. "You can't communicate with people you're close to in the world of the living while you're taking the test, but that's not effective until tomorrow!"
"Okay, okay," Yusuke grumbled. "Do I go to her dream again, or what?"
"Borrow someone's body."
"Can it be Arnold Schwarzenegger?" he asked. "Oh! Maybe Keanu Reeves!"
"No..."
"How about Brittney Spears? Christina Aguilera? Shakira?"
"No!" Botan snapped. "It has to be..."
"Utada Hikaru? Orlando Bloom? Johnny Depp?"
"No celebrities!" Botan said. "Look, this is what the rules say –"
Yusuke rolled his eyes again. "Psh, the rules again?" he asked. "What is it this time?"
"It has to be someone with a strong sixth sense," Botan told him.
"...Haley Osment Jones may have one!"
"It has to be someone you know."
"Who comes up with these stupid rules!" Yusuke burst out. "That's it, when I find out who's writing this stupid crap, I'm gonna strangle him!"
"Uh...yeah...strangle him..." Botan said, hiding her book titled, Rules of the Afterlife, by Botan. "You go do that, Yusuke."
"Hmm...I wonder if I know anyone with a strong sixth sense..."
Kuwabara and his gang conveniently were walking just underneath where Yusuke and Botan were floating when Kuwabara suddenly shuddered and stopped.
"What's up, Kuwabara?" Ohkubo, the fat guy in his gang, asked him.
Kuwabara shuddered again. "...I feel a chill."
"You got a cold?" Ohkubo asked.
"Oh man, is it...that again?" Sawamura, the guy with the shaved-like haircut asked.
"Yeah..." Kuwabara replied. "Nothing good ever happens when I feel like this. Like I saw the wasp hive and got stung 1,000 times, or got frozen in the summer, or was chased by a gay grisly ghost..."
"Hey, that's almost poetic," Kirishima, the most decent-looking guy in Kuwabara's gang, told him.
"...Oh, so that's what was going on that one time!" Ohkubo said. "...I don't get it."
"Kuwabara has this really fierce sixth sense, man," Sawamura explained.
"You serious!"
"No," he replied. "That's was he told me, but I don't buy it."
Ohkubo wiped his brow. "Man, you had me going there for a sec!" he said. "I'd thought you're both crazy!"
"Too much," Yusuke said. "This is WAY too much. Maybe too much for too much. Mucho mucho."
"What the hell are you mumbling about?" Botan asked him, hitting him with her oar.
"I feel one behind me right now..." Kuwabara said. "Probably the spirit of a lower life form, mebbe an ant or a pig."
"Say what!" Yusuke shouted, trying to hit Kuwabara. He turned to Botan. "You've gotta be kidding! PLEASE tell me I don't have to take over this moron's body!"
"You don't have to take over that moron's body," Botan said.
"Thanks, now does Brad Pitt have a sixth sense...?"
"You haven't heard a word I've said!" Botan yelled, hitting him with her oar. "Now are you gonna go for it!"
Suddenly, Kuwabara zoned out. "Guuuh..." he said.
His gang looked at him. "Kuwabara? Are you there? Heeeelloooo...?"
Botan turned to Yusuke. "Okay, you can go in now. You have only 30 minutes though. That's as long as his body can take it."
"I always knew he was a weakling..." Yusuke said. Botan grabbed a hold of his collar and tossed him towards Kuwabara at a speed of 30 miles per hour. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"
There was a little "neeoom" sound as Yusuke was hurled into Kuwabara's body. Now we need a little name combination for the combining of Yusuke's soul into Kuwabara's body...Kuwasuke! Kuwasuke looked around and his gang became relieved.
"I think he's back," Ohkubo said.
Kuwasuke, finally sure that he had control, bolted off, ignoring his gang's cries of, "Hey, Kuwabara!" Tsk, tsk, tsk...poor fools.
'She oughta be home by now!' Kuwasuke thought to himself as he burst into a little building called "Yukimura Diner". "Mr. and Mrs. Yukimura!" he shouted. "Is Keiko here!"
Keiko's ugly parents stared at him. "...Who are you?" the asked.
Kuwasuke, being stupid since he still is talking with Yusuke's brain, replied, "Please, I'm in a hurry. Is Keiko here!"
"No...she's out shopping," Mrs. Yukimura answered.
"Are you a friend from school?" Mr. Yukimura asked.
Now, for the dumbest thing he coulda said: "Yes, Yusuke Urameshi! Which store is she at!"
"Wha..." The two chefs glared at him and raised their butcher knives at Kuwasuke. "Hold it! You greasy thug!"
"Uh...Whu?" our foolish protagonist stammered.
Keiko's ugly, angry parents began chasing poor, stupid Kuwasuke. "Trying to fob your ugly self off as little Yusuke! That boy's passed from this world! And you have the gall to play such an insensitive trick!" Yes, their anger still confuses people today.
"Hoo boy!" Kuwasuke panted, running for his life. "Please, Mr. and Mrs. Yukimura! It's not what you think!" A butcher knife narrowly missed his head. "Damn! Like I have the time to explain!" He stopped running maybe when he got to the other side of the town. "Sheesh...Am I gonna have to search every store?"
"Well, lookie here," a male voice said. "You're Kuwabara from Sarayashiki Jr. High, ain'tcha?"
"We hear you've been raising a lotta hell lately," another guy said.
"You jerk!" Kuwasuke shouted. "I'm not Kuwabara! I never wanted to be him!"
"Who does?" the guy said. "He's big, and ugly, and he has scary hair."
"Right, now get outta my way!" Kuwasuke punched out all the guys, even though they didn't try to start a fight with him.
Despite the knowledge that he only had a limited time to be walking on the face of the Earth, Kuwasuke started 30 more fights, helped extort some marijuana (and smoked some in the process), and drank 2 cans of beer before finally realizing that he had less than 10 minutes left. Luckily, though, he ran into Keiko. Yes, that's very lucky.
"K-Keiko!" But, him still thinking like Yusuke (and being under the influence of alcohol), Kuwasuke didn't know what to do to let her know it's him. So he did the first thing that came to his mind: he grabbed her boobs and shouted, "GUESS WHO!"
Keiko got pissed off and slapped him. (Ouch!) "YUSUKE, YOU PERVERT!" Kuwasuke got knocked out for a whole minute, still wasting time he really shouldn't be. "Huh?" Keiko said, seeing that it wasn't Yusuke. "That wasn't...?"
"No, no," Kuwasuke said, finally regaining consciousness. "It's me all right...Keiko...I am your father."
"What!"
"I mean...I'm Yusuke."
"Oh."
"Man, I knew I shouldn't have smoked all that weed...I'm seeing double again."
Keiko looked at him for a moment before bursting into tears. "You grabbed my tits, you said something stupid, and you smoked weed!" She hugged him. "You are Yusuke!" Then she slapped him hard again. "What the hell do you want!"
"Okay, I don't got a lot of time to explain, but I have to leave this body," Kuwasuke explained. "After that, and until my soul returns to my own body, I can't talk to anyone I'm close to."
"That means you just can't talk to me or Atsuko, since we're the only people you're close to," Keiko said after a quick calculation.
"Right, I just came...because I wanted you to know..." Kuwasuke paused for effect, which made Keiko slap him again. "...Okay, okay...I will come back." He grinned to reveal several teeth missing because of the fights. "That's a promise, so wait for me."
"Eww..." Keiko said, trying not to barf. "The teeth took away what little effect you had, Yusuke, but..." She started to hug him, but stopped and waved instead. "...Wait...Yes, I'll wait...I'll always...wait for you..." She stopped waving to put eye drops on her eyes so she could cry.
"Yusuke and Keiko, sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Botan sang as Kuwasuke had broken up and the ghost went back to floating around as plain Yusuke. Yusuke punched her, knocking her out for a moment. When she came to, she said, "All done?"
"Hm? Yeah."
"Well, that's it then. The rest is up to you."
"I know."
"Hey, hey, they're having fireworks at Disneyland, wanna go?" Botan suggested.
"...Can we scare people in the Haunted Mansion?" Yusuke asked.
"Sure!"
"Hot damn, let's go!"
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A/N: I know. That chapter wasn't that funny. Review, though, won'tcha?