It was truly wonderful to be home.
Her house, hers alone, where each piece of furniture was where it was because she'd put it there. The walls were painted in the hues she had chosen. The hangings on the wall, the ancient stuffed animals in her bedroom, the shoes idly kicked under her desk. All her choice, and hers alone. Choices that reflected her self-determination, her right to steer the course of her own life. It was a right that was fast becoming all the more precious to her.
Her first day home from theinfirmary went by pleasantly with Sam enthroned on the couch and the three guys sprawled around her living room in various stages of lethargy. Daniel had called out for pizza delivery and Jack and Teal'C were watching a baseball game. They'd settled for baseball because they couldn't find any other games on the television. Jack had turned on the one game available and then obnoxiously turned up the volume, quipping, "any sport in a storm."
They had made sure Sam had what she needed within arm's reach, and she was now sipping a glass of iced water and reading a scientific journal. The telephone receiver sat near her on the side table.
The doorbell rang, just barely discernible above the roar of the television, and Daniel went to pay the delivery boy and retrieve the two large pizzas-with-everything. He came back into the living room juggling the pizza boxes and two liters of coca-cola.
"Food!" He announced simply, spurring the other two men to action. Although it had looked like an impossibly large amount for four people, the two extra-large pizza boxes were soon empty, with the slice in front of Sam the only remnant still uneaten. Jack watched her listlessly picking at it. Over the course of the last few hours, he'd noticed Sam's mood slipping lower and lower.
"Do you want something else?" Jack questioned her, finally muting the game.
"I'm not very hungry. These drugs I'm on have taken away my appetite." Sam appealed to Jack with her eyes to remove the tray from her lap.
"How about some toast and soup?" He asked, taking away the tray.
"Right now I just want to sleep a little, but maybe when I wake up."
Jack looked like he wanted to say something, but didn't. She saw concern and worry on his face before he took the tray out to the kitchen. He was back quickly, and he sat down next to her on the couch.
"Carter, what's really going on? What's wrong?" He asked. Sam was very aware of all three sets of familiar eyes fixed on her as she fidgeted for a reply.
"I'm not hungry, that's all."
The lack of response told her they weren't buying it. She looked at each of them in turn, and she recognized that she couldn't hide much from them.
"Okay. You don't have to say it, I know I'm thinking too much. But I can't stop thinking about the future, SG1's future, my future. From what Janet has told me, it's very likely that I will never be cleared for active duty. But that's just not an option in my mind. I can't even begin to imagine that. But I'm afraid I might not have a choice."
"You're way down the road, Sam, and it's a road you might not ever have to go down. You haven't even had surgery yet," Daniel appealed to her earnestly.
"Your ability to go on missions will not change our bond, Major Carter," Teal'C observed calmly. "But you are a strong warrior. I believe you will fight with us again."
"I agree with Teal'C. No matter what, Carter, we're going to be here for you. That's a guarantee."
Sam looked at each member of her team, wanting to believe them, but dreading the journey that lay before her. After a minute her expression cleared and a determined resolve took over her features, born of the strength she had drawn from both her teammates' support and her own tenacity.
"Maybe I will have some of that pizza."
Jack's eyes lit up and he tousled her hair with a triumphant grin.
"I'll make you some soup, too."
As the day wore into evening, Sam grew increasingly tired, a deep weariness born of pain and stress that she had rarely before experienced. Finally she interrupted the jovial banter going on between the men.
"I think I want to go to bed now." She had to bite back a smile as her three comrades fell over each other helping her up from the couch and down the hall to bed. It went without saying, she knew, that any one of them would have gladly taken the staff blast himself if it would have spared her this ordeal.
Getting ready for bed posed some uncomfortable dilemmas. She badly wished she could call Janet, but Janet and Cassie had gone away for the weekend. She wouldn't even be home right now for these few short days if her teammates hadn't chosen to spend their downtime with her.
Jack caught on quickly to the worry on her face and shooed Daniel and Teal'C off to the living room.
"Look, Carter. It's okay. Just tell me what you need help with."
"Okay," she agreed uncertainly.
She figured that of the three of them, Jack was the one who, having been married, would have the least trouble with this part of her care. But even beyond that, she felt comfortable with him, and he with her, their unacknowledged bond bridging any awkwardness. Jack helped her change into a loose gown that fit easily over her splint and bandages, then covered her with a warm robe. She had to lean on him heavily to make it to the bathroom without the wheelchair.
"Okay, call me when you're through," Jack instructed after helping her into the bathroom and closing the door.
She took a long time, but she was too proud to ask Jack for any further assistance even in the little tasks of preparing for bed. The splinted leg was hard to work around, and she had sustained nerve damage that caused bursts of pain every time she moved the muscles surrounding her knee. But she finally finished and called out to Jack.
"Easy," he cautioned her as he slipped his arm under her shoulders again and led her to her bed, one step at a time.
"Hey, don't get discouraged, Sam. It'll get better," Jack encouraged her after she let out a frustrated sigh. "Remember when I first got back from that moon with Maybourne? It took me a few weeks to be able to walk without crutches. Or how about that time in Antarctica?"
Sam snorted. "You were a very bad patient, according to Janet."
"What can I say? It's one of my talents. Here, take your pills." Jack was holding out a cup of water and trying to uncap the prescription bottle one-handed.
"Another of your talents?" Sam asked as the purportedly child-proof lid readily popped off. Jack smiled proudly.
She swallowed the medicine and snuggled down under the covers.
"Thanks, sir." Sam smiled up at him drowsily.
"G'night."
"Good night, what?" Sam prompted, remembering their conversation on the planet when she had been in a drugged fog.
"Good night, Sam."
After a moment's pause, he smoothed her hair back from her forehead and leaned over, placing a gentle kiss on her brow. She closed her eyes and savored the moment, missing the look of pain on his face as Jack pondered what SG1 would look like without Sam.
The day of her surgery came all too quickly. Janet had her admitted and in prep for the OR before seven that morning. Sam had spent the night before hanging out with her team. They would be there, they promised, when she came out of the anesthesia later that afternoon or evening.
Their time together had put to rest her fears that her altered circumstances would damage their bond. She now faced what was to come with a hard-won sense of acceptance for whatever outcome awaited her.
The orderly came in and she apprehensively watched herself being wheeled down the hall to the OR, Janet walking by her side.
The first thing Sam saw as she slowly regained consciousness was a fuzzy, blurry face that looked like an animal. As it came into clearer focus and her brain began processing what she was seeing, Sam soon realized it was a teddy bear, sitting on the pillow next to her, with a huge pink satin ribbon around its neck. She looked around for who had brought it.
"Hey Sam!" She saw Cassie now, perched behind the stuffed bear, smiling a huge grin. "It's about time you woke up."
"What time is it?"
"It's about 1700, Carter," the familiar voice of her CO answered from behind Cassie's vantage point on a stool.
"That means 5:00," Cassie interpreted cheekily.
"Thanks Cass, but I'm not that far out of it. Did I miss dinner?"
"I didn't expect you'd be hungry, Sam," Jack answered. "Are you really?"
"Strangely, yes. Blue jello. Please." Jack smiled at the familiar craving.
"I'll find some and be right back. Although I might have to go to the SGC to get it."
"Well then it doesn't have to be blue, I guess. Just some jello."
"Okay."
"And some ice cream." Jack's eyebrows raised as he exited.
Janet came into the room as he was leaving and took a seat by the head of Sam's bed.
"How do you feel, Sam?" Janet looked tired and serious.
"Pretty good, actually."
"You did fine, Sam. We'll talk more tomorrow when you will be able to actually remember what I tell you."
"Okay. Thanks for the bear, Cassie. I really love teddy bears. I still have the one I got for Christmas when I was eight years old." Cassie smiled, pleased with the praises.
"Jello!" Jack O'Neill announced authoritatively, bringing a tray through the door with three different colors of jello and some vanilla ice cream. Sam chuckled weakly.
"What did you say to the nurses? Looks like they're all in love with you now."
"Of course they are," Jack said, outraged that there was any question.
"You've created a monster," Janet advised conspiratorily.
"No, he's been like this for a long time."
"Hey! I believe you're supposed to say, 'thank you for the jello,' not insult me."
Jack didn't look the least bit insulted as he waved Janet out of her chair and sat down to help Sam with her very interesting dinner.
"See you tomorrow, you two. C'mon, Cass. Let's go." Janet smiled as she left, but her eyes were still troubled. The man and woman in the hospital room, however, were oblivious to her concerned expression as she departed.
Jack ate almost as much jello as Sam. He had conveniently brought two spoons back on the tray with him and proceeded to set up a 'taste test' between the lemon, lime and cherry varieties, devising a surprisingly sophisticated evaluation process.
"Empirical analysis," Sam corrected him.
"Who cares," he offered in return.
Although cherry won, Sam maintained that blue would have easily been the winner if it had but been on the tray.
Visiting hours were over in no time, or so it seemed to Sam, and it was with reluctance that she watched the Colonel leave, the night nurses escorting him away under protest. It struck her as funny that this soldier who'd blown up armies of Jaffa and shot his way out of a thousand tight spots on distant planets was allowing two mere civilians to drag him off down the corridor.
The conversation with Janet didn't happen the next day, or the next, but on the day Sam was discharged from the hospital, Janet lingered behind at Sam's house after she'd helped her get settled.
"Janet? You've been avoiding telling me about the surgery, I know. What is it?"
"Sam," Janet began, taking a seat across the room from Sam's position on the couch, "What I had suspected might be the case is true. There has been too much muscle loss and nerve damage to your knee joint for you to recover full strength and mobility. Now, there are some other surgeries you could have, but even with further procedures, complete mobility is just not a possibility."
Sam sat, stunned, digesting this information. She'd been told this was the probable outcome before the surgery, but she had continued to hold fast tothe belief that Janet was wrong. She suddenly had the suffocating feeling of being trapped in a dead end tunnel with no way back.
"If I have more surgery, isn't there at least a chance that I'll regain the full use of my leg? And what about the Tok'Ra?"
"Sam, I can't tell you there's no chance. There's always a chance. But this time it's a very small one. It's not worth you pinning your hopes on. You'd be setting yourself up for disappointment. And as for the Tok'Ra, we've been trying to get in touch with them ever since you were injured, but without knowing where to even begin looking, we have no choice but to wait until we hear from them. Again, I think that's a long shot. With the kind of damage you've sustained, I doubt even the Tok'Ra could make it as good as new."
"My Dad doesn't even know I'm wounded. For all I know, he could be wounded or dead by now. The Tok'Ra have never gone this long without contacting us before."
Janet sat silently for a minute, feeling wretched for her friend, knowing she was missing and needing her Dad on top of coping with her injury. She stood and took a few steps towards the kitchen.
"Can I get you something? Tea, maybe?"
"Janet, please don't be hurt, but I think I just want to be alone. Yeah. I need to be alone for a while."
"It's okay. I understand. I'd probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes. Call me when you are ready for company again. But do call, and don't try to do anything on your own, at least not today. You're only a few days post-surgery, and you'll need help for a while, yet."
The reminder of her helplessness goaded Sam, but she nodded and agreed. "I'll call you soon, okay, Janet? Thanks for everything."
When the door closed behind Janet, Sam sat without moving a muscle for long minutes, thinking furiously through every option she could even remotely imagine. There had to be an answer somewhere. And in her unique line of work, she knew there must be a whole lot of options out there in the galaxy, if she could only find them. She was lost in a maze, wandering into dead ends, then backing up and going another direction, looking for the one passage that led back to where she'd started. Sooner or later, she'd find it.
She would.
Although she had promised to call Janet, Sam instead fell asleep and awoke later to an insistent pounding on her front door.
"Carter!" She could hear the Colonel's strong voice from her post on the couch.
"Key's under the mat, Colonel," She called back loudly. In a few seconds, he'd entered the foyer and she could hear him stomping down the hallway.
"Be glad you don't have to be out in that," he grumbled, pulling a dripping BDU jacket off his body and hanging it on the back of a kitchen chair. His hair stood on end in wet tufts, giving him a wild look. He sat on the chair and removed his boots.
"That's better," he sighed. "So," he continued, opening his eyes and moving to the armchair next to her. "Janet was getting worried. She sent me over here to check on you. She said she didn't think you wanted to see her right now. You mad at her or something?"
Sam didn't answer immediately.
"What happened?"
"I'm not mad at her, of course not. We just had one of those doctor-patient discussions and I told her I needed some time to think it over, that's all."
"And?"
"I'm still thinking."
"But not talking."
Sam didn't answer but just stared bleakly at him. A flash of sympathy crossed Jack's face.
"Are you hungry? I could call for takeout, or something," he offered earnestly, knowing when it was time to change the subject.
"There's some soup in the fridge that Teal'C left for me. He's a pretty good cook."
"Ah, yes, but aren't you worried about the ingredients?" Jack raised his eyebrows ominously.
"He made it here on Earth, not on Chulak, Jack. It's really quite good."
Jack got up and headed into the kitchen. Soon the banging and crashing of pots and pans could be heard as he heated up the soup and fixed a couple of sandwiches.
"What do you want to drink?"
"Just water for me. Some of your beer is still in there, though."
Jack was soon back in the chair by her side with their small dinner. He uncapped the beer and settled down further into the chair, looking wonderfully relaxed. She smiled at his comfortable groan as he sank into the pillows.
"Okay, Carter, ready to talk to me?" Jack's eyes were warm and encouraging.
"Not much to say. Janet told me the prognosis hasn't changed much in spite of the surgery. She said I will never regain the full use of my leg."
Jack waited, watching her face, but Sam said nothing else. She just stared at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap.
"She told me the same thing," he finally admitted.
Jack got up, his eyes never leaving her face, and carefully made room for himself next to her on the couch. Sam immediately leaned into his sturdy frame and sighed with relief. Neither of them felt like talking for now, but instead sought and found comfort in each other's presence.
"You know, my couch is as comfortable as a bed," Sam said, finally breaking the silence and looking up at him hopefully.
"Okay, I'll stay," he said simply.
"Wow, you're easy," Sam teased.
"You're not the first person to tell me that."
"Sam," Jack hesitated, then plowed in. "The doctors could be wrong, you know. Doctors have been known to be wrong before. Maybe in a few months, things will have changed. Don't give up, okay? You don't have to just accept this."
"What would you suggest I do?" Sam in a frustrated tone.
"What you've always done. Go after what you want like there's no tomorrow. Don't let their opinion, as professional as it may be, keep you from at least trying. You have more choice in this than you can see right now."
"So. When there's no way back, make a way?"
"Something like that. Sam, how many times have you found a way when there just wasn't any? You figured out how to stop an asteroid from obliterating the Earth. You got Teal'C out of the Stargate when his...his..."
"energy signature-"
"-thank you, got stuck in there. You told the SGC to strap the Stargate to the bottom of the X-302 and had me fly it out into deep space to, yes, once again, save Earth from certain doom. You..."
"Stop! Are you just going to go on and on?"
"Hey, the point is, I could! I could go on and on, listing all the impossible things you've made possible. So how's this any different?"
"Well-"
"Right! You're right again, it's no different."
"I didn't answer you yet." Sam was chuckling by now, but there was a brightness to her eyes that hadn't been there a few moments before.
"Thank you, Colonel."
Now her heart was shining out of her eyes and Jack knew that Sam Carter was back.