:I:

Necessary Sins

I wanted to see how long I could get away with it.

The sun peeked in through the heavy curtains beside my bed, prying at my eyelids with its greasy fingers. I could almost hear Marius roaring at how it was beyond him why God had given him such a languid daughter. Supposedly, I would burn in hell for my sloth. My father did not seem to understand that human beings needed sleep. I was sure that God would forgive me of this necessary sin.

I heard the soft approach of feet on marble. In my half wakened state, I thought it was my brother coming for comfort because he'd had a nightmare. When I felt the wet tongue of a dog begin to lick my hand, I realized that Alecto had not had a bad dream since he was seven and that it was Bear who sat on his haunches beside my bed, waiting for me to wake up.

I turned over on my side and squinted into the face of my dog. He was nothing grand; a mutt with a grey shaggy mane and watery eyes. He barked loudly making me wince.

"Even you won't let me sleep," I grumbled as I threw my legs over the side of the bed and tip toed across the cold floor to the washstand.

I dressed and bounded down the stairs toward my mother's sitting room. She and Marius's steward Craden had managed our estate for years. They dealt with the overt expenses of the master of the house, organized papers and tying together the fragile threads of our life.

We were the farthest known Roman estate, settled in the hills of northern Britain beyond the Wall. There were none for miles, except for native Picts and Woads who occasionally attacked but mostly left us alone. Usually they watched us with angry eyes from their homes in the woods and by their stone circles; waiting for the day the land would once again be theirs.

The morning sun bloomed in my mother's room. She loved the light almost as much as she loved life itself. Windows faced from three walls, bathing my mother's world in an unearthly glow. She sat serenely by the east wall, her pen scratching across the parchment rhythmically. She was the smartest person I knew. My brother Alecto had inherited this trait from her.

She suddenly became aware of my presence, floating bits of dust trembling about her face as she looked up and smiled. My mother always had a smile for me.

"Viola," She stood gracefully, everything about my mother was elegant.

She kissed me on the cheek and led me over to her writing table. Papers and notes were strewn everywhere with calculations for the prices of crops and number of rows needed for a good harvest. My mother was a master of numbers.

"Your father expects your studies on the scriptures to be concluding soon," She said softly, sitting and beginning to neaten the disarrayed piles.

I sat opposite her and rested my hands in my lap. I despised working in the dank chapel, copying paper upon paper for hours. Like our mother, Alecto thrived with his pen. Meanwhile, I was clumsy with my fingers and wrong handed. Brother Joseph had gone so far as to tie my left arm behind my back and force me to pen a whole page with my right.

"It cannot come sooner," I mumbled looking up from my lap out the window.

The strange season between autumn and winter had descended upon the land. The grass, still green with summer, bloomed beneath waning trees. The mountains surrounding our valley were dusted with white.

"You are almost a woman," My mother broke the silence with her strange statement.

I turned back to see her gazing at me. She searched my face with quiet dark eyes, the fine lines that creased her mouth filled with sunlight. I almost caught a glimpse of what she was like long ago before she was 'mother' and 'wife' but simply; Fulcinia Porteous.

She stood, shattering the moment as she crossed to the west window and gazed down into the courtyard. I followed and stood beside her. Her husband could be seen below. Marius was yelling at a guardsman. He raised his hand and let it fall down on the unfortunate soldier who limped away.

"Your father has made a decision that will change your life, my daughter." She spoke, her words holding an open ended question.

Before I could ask what that decision was, I heard a familiar voice in the doorway.

"Good morning,"

Alecto stood in the sunlight. He was nearly fifteen with a strong jaw and my mother's eyes. His dark hair was Marius's but he was nothing like his father. Where Marius was foolish, temperamental and frivolous, Alecto was wise, patient and practical. Once Marius died, Alecto would set the estate to rights if he stayed on in Britain. Yet it was a known fact that he was the Pope's favorite godchild. It was my father's hope that he would go on to become Bishop. It was my mother's that her son would stay with her.

My mother crossed the floor to her son, "Good morning Alecto."

I followed with a wide smile. My brother was my best friend. Though we were two years apart, we were close. Our personalities were like snow and frost; at once different, yet similar.

"I've come to fetch Viola to chapel," He spoke, his voice beginning to change into the tone of a man.

I let out a groan and arched my eyebrows. My mother chuckled and pushed me to the door.

"Go on, Viola," She stated, "We shall speak of this later."

I nodded and followed Alecto down the hall.

"Mother says I am almost finished," I said, walking beside my brother.

"That should be a relief," He answered with a chortle, "God knows how you suffer," He added sarcastically looked over at me coolly.

I gave him a little shove and a grin, "Oh go on. The brothers treat you as though you were the boy Jesus himself."

"Don't let father hear that, he'll accuse us both of blasphemy."

"Never a more true statement." I whispered as we entered the quiet of the scribe room.

A few brown hooded monks sat meekly at desks; busy with their work. The silence was so heavy it almost felt a sin to breathe. We retreated to our appropriate seats and said no more. There would be no conversation till evening. I played with one of my curls till Brother Joseph approached. He was a small man with smaller eyes yet to underestimate him would be a grave mistake. Once mistake on a piece of parchment and he'd slap your hand and make you start all over again.

"My lady," He said his muddy eyes blinking furiously as if he were looking into the sun, "Your father tells me that this is to be the last of your days with us. After your studies today, you are no longer required to return."

I had not known my liberation would be so soon. I tried not to break into a smile as the elderly monk showed me the papers for the day and gave me new parchment.

Though we were in Britain, we ate our meals like Romans. Reclining on our couches, Marius Honorius looked like a beached seal. Like most nights, he spoke the prayer and we ate in silence. However, this evening, something was different. It felt as though something were going to be said. Unknown words waited on the edge of the prickly quiet.

I tried to drown out the silence by eating ravenously, finishing each course before even my brother.

"Slow down, daughter," Marius said, setting down his goblet, "I don't need you getting fat, especially not now."

I looked over at my mother who neatly broke a piece of bread and dipped a side into the honey. She glanced up at me and nodded her head. I slowed down but chewed loudly to block out the quiet.

"Viola, if you will not control yourself-" Marius began but was interrupted by a guard who entered awkwardly.

"My lord," The guard gave a gauche nod of the head to his master and then to us.

"Yes what is it?" Marius asked irritably, speaking with his mouth full, "Why do you disrupt our meal?"

"My lord, you have a visitor," The guard replied, beads of sweat beginning to decorate his forehead.

"Who and from where?" Marius inquired, refilling his goblet.

"It's the elder from the village,"

Marius looked up with amusement, "The serfs' leader?"

"Yes my lord."

"And he expects me to drop everything so I may have a conversation with him, hmm?" Marius gave a mirthless chuckle.

The guard did not reply but shifted his weight gawkily from foot to foot.

The silence that followed was thicker than the one that had coated the room earlier. I looked over at Alecto, who had stopped eating as well. The only sound came from Marius who noisily slurped the wine from his cup.

"Tell my visitor," He answered, "That I shall be with him momentarily."

The guard gave another nod and left the room. Marius chuckled once more and set down his cup. He gripped its neck with white knuckles.

"I shall be back shortly." He said, brushing off his toga as he stood and made his way over to the door.

"Please don't. Take your time," I mumbled, bringing a piece of fruit to my lips once he had left us.

Alecto stood after a few moments and walked to the window.

"Come back to your food, dearest," Mother said, setting down her bread.

"They're down there in the courtyard." He stated, ignoring my mother's command.

"What is going on?" I questioned looking up at my brother.

"The old man is talking, father isn't saying anything." Alecto's expressionless face recounted, "Father is laughing but the old man isn't. Father waved his hand to dismiss the old man but he's not moving. Father is growing angry. He's yelling now." Faintly I could hear Marius shouting, "He's motioning to the guards. The guards are hitting the man-"

"Alecto, get away from the window," My mother said sternly.

I could hear strangled cries coming from the courtyard. I clenched my fists so tightly I could feel my nails dig in my skin. Alecto stood for a few more moments saying nothing. Suddenly he turned and walked back to his couch. He was shaking with rage.

"They're beating the Village Elder." His voice lilted with anger.

Nothing else was said till Marius returned at which I excused myself. I would not sit at the same table with him.

A fire burned in my room, giving off the only light. I lit a candle and retrieved the piece of polished brass that served as a mirror. I held the flame to my face and looked into my reflection.

I had my mother's straight, strong nose dusted with a few freckles. My mouth was thin but the lips red, like my mother. Yet the rest of me was unrecognizable in either my mother or Marius. My brow was direct and dark, and my eyes blue grey. My hair fell in dark auburn waves to my elbows. I sighed a breath of thanks to god.

Only a few of my features were my mother's. The rest I could not distinguish in her or her husband.

I could not be the daughter of Marius Honorius.