Please do leave a review and tell me what you think, this is my first TMNT fanfic, I've been sort of fixating on it whilst school has me bugged down but here we are! I'm so sorry about Avoid the Light, i just don't really know where its going, i might rewrite the first two chapters and restart the process if i can get anything done but again so sorry about that! Enjoy...
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"Do you get it Raph, you can't just go around and beat the hell out of people, why is it so difficult for you to understand. It's not right!"
Getting to see the world, I gotta see that there's one thing 'bout learning ninjitsu, and another using it. And it gets messy, I ain't gunna be the one to lie and say its easy all the time, hell sometimes I question if it really is what's best for everyone. But it is and I know that cause I see the shit in the streets. But I hate the whole pacifist, better than you lecture, you would have thought they got the memo. I don't care.
To be honest with you he's looking like Leo right about now, but I thought Donnie was gunna be the one who agrees, I mean as far as I could see we both understood our role in society or whatever. I get people 'cause I see them, I've met them sorta thing. But Don has a different outlook, one of like a bystander, he sees them as objects to be analysed but he gets it that. That's why I thought he does machines and what-not; To gain control, with questions that have clear answers 'cause he cant about where we are sat in life.
But he ain't, not since Leo left. I mean he isn't even making any more miracles since. He sorta dropped all his interests and hobbies for the meantime. Just for the stupid tech job. Honestly, at the beginning it worried me y'know, he seemed even more antisocial, little less agreeable. That's when his Leonardo persona started to leak through. We've started fighting more and heck sometimes the stuff I say ain't for him, it's for Leo. It's become boring, but unlike Leo, he doesn't fight back in the same way, as soon as it seems to get physical, he backs off. But it just sort of sits stagnant for a while until the next eruption. Recently though its lulled again, he doesn't try much, just notes it. And that's gotta piss me off more I mean, its like he thinks I'm stupid, unable to write up a proper argument with clear English. And yeah, logic usually doesn't compliment me but heck I can tell him how I feel just as well as Mikey or whoever. I just want to have a conversation at this point, no rolling on the floor wrestling nor stupid comebacks: Hothead, Brainiac and the like. It's barely been a year and our family has been quartered.
And its probably on me.
Today Don's decided to be the day he is going to address his dismay at me and my night-time activities. He doesn't say it but we both know he's figured out the dots, he knows I'm out playing hero, idol to Mikey. But I don't understand why he hates it. I mean seriously, that's what we have been working to our whole lives, saving other people, using ninjitsu. But he's decided it's a moral grey area - should one go out and hurt people who hurt other people. I ain't killing them and most of them I let off easy for the things they've done. I'm as pacifist as I can get for the main part. I don't know for me; I can't sit by whilst people hurt people. Stupid humanity really. We are stronger than them, we take the hits the kicks, we've been trained to, and we literally have the genetics or something to. How can he really sit in front of his monitors talking to an old lady in her bungalow taking her through how the shut down button works. And I work every night trying to get someone home safe to someone they love and I'm in the wrong. If he really thinks it's so wrong, why doesn't he just tell Splinter and he would have a talk with me. Not that Splinter could help, however.
I mean its all so stupid. Save the tireless speech where I sit numbed to the rant and say sorry afterwards and in rebuttal return outside and beat up an extra batch of the city scum to get my emotions painted onto the backroads and graffiti walls.
"Are you even listening, you are putting all of us in danger this whole leaving the sewers until the rooster rises. Do you even care about anybody else other than yourself, I mean we are left here, unable to do anything when we don't even know if you'll be coming home never mind when."
Jesus, he's pulling no stoppers today, insinuate I don't care for my brothers, for the city, lovely – guilt trip me into submission, how original. I mean seriously how does he not understand, I do this for him, for everyone, I get myself beat up, and I take it cause no-one else can. And he fixes shit because no-one can do his job either. Lately he doesn't do that, so does he not care. I mean the toasters been broken for what, 2 weeks; I don't think he's even noticed. But dare I say that aloud and I'm being selfish, crude and the brute cause pointing out perfections errors is a crime nowadays.
Its stupid, goddamn stupid, I mean can he hear himself; a goddamn saint is what he thinks of himself. The almighty paladin, with an oath of being a pacifist and getting on my nerves.
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That's probably not what I meant to say, I mean yeah, sometimes he can be a meat head, but he doesn't do stuff like that to hurt anyone. Shit. He seems so much more reclined, the same smug smile but calmer, and it feels terrible. Why does he see all of it in black and white, I just want him to explain it to me. People can do terrible things for good reasons and visa versa, but he just sees bad being bad. I mean he says he protects those who can't so they can go home tonight to their loved ones but for all we know the "villains" have family too. Why can't he see that, its infuriating and I've tried to leave him to himself, but he makes it impossible. He needs to grow up. I understand the incentive to become a vigilante, but he doesn't see the repercussions, he doesn't see how invest Mikey is, he doats on Raph, whether he knows its him or not. It gives him this hope but its awful watching, knowing its in fact your own brother beating up people who he doesn't even know. It hurts knowing he comes back each time with a little more of a scrape that he brushes off because he doesn't know he can trust his own family. I mean why keep it a secret, if its such a good thing to do why doesn't he just tell Mikey and Splinter. Doesn't he see his own stupidity? A self-fulfilling prophecy if you will.
I just want him to think about it. I know shouting it at him won't help, but I have tried everything else, I have explained to him the consequences of his own actions, I have given him time away to see if a peace of mind could help but all it seems to do is add an extra fight to the news the next day. Why can't he see logic? I know Raph and logic don't fit hand in hand to say but everyone has common sense, that's why I assumed it was common, but he only seems to have the explosive emotions of his. Its going to be the death of him and he doesn't even see it, I mean what would happen if he died or got seriously hurt. Leo isn't here still, and Mikey would certainly not cope and frankly I don't know if I would either. He's a stable, always there in the background but not really. But I would hope he would be there if we really needed him.
Look, it may sound like I'm trying to stop him from going out, but I do understand its just what he does, how he does it. Watching the news every morning when he still hasn't come in with scratches littering his body, I can only feel my heart drop as the English Lady reads off the latest, in her awful monotone presenting voice, just hoping for no news on the night watcher. I understand but I need him to understand, we need him. Leo isn't here, Mikey is barely staying together, he goes off for his party job and comes back worn and exhausted just making money for the family to get us by. He ends the day listening to the most resent odyssey of New York's super vigilante the night watcher and usually he falls asleep sitting there. I spend most days in front of the set up trying to get through the day without my boss giving me extra time and still getting paid. But Raph does nothing, I mean what exactly does he bring into the family, zilch. Not that I mind, but the moody atmosphere whenever he is outside his room and still in the sewers is too much. I struggle getting him enough food for the extra activities to have to be forcing it down his throat.
I'm just glad he hasn't changed too much, I mean I've always been used to the outbursts of anger, given them not usually directed at me and I get his connection to people. Mikey has gone on a downwards spiral and to be honest I have no idea how to cope with that, before it would've been Raph's job, but it doesn't affect him, he doesn't see Raph at all, Mikeys gone in the day, Raph sleeping; Raph's gone at night, Mikeys sleeping. Its hellish watching all of it play out and I can't change anything for the life of me. I just wish he would help more or just be here more, I'm not even sure what I want to be completely honest. I just don't want the Night watcher anymore.
"God Raph, why don't you just explain it to me? What the hell goes through your head every time you open the grate? What about the people, you know the one's that get hurt? Do you think about them?"
"What the hell are you on about Don? I just get up there and I think there is someone out there who needs my help and I go help them"
He sits, slightly uncomfortable seemingly and indulges my first question, ignoring the second. I don't suppose he would answer even if I were to ask again. Perhaps he just doesn't have an answer. Typical, don't really think about your actions unless that action impacts you. Ironically, the thing Raph always hated in Leo, his solid sense of morality and his own self indulgence in such belief, Raph also has. Always seeing himself as correct, never looking past the face value of the topic.
"When was the last time you hung out with Mikey, Raph?"
"Dunno, maybe last week some time? Why the hell are you bringing him into this?"
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"Maybe try and spend a little more time with him, I mean he is really struggling, alright?" Don said pretty solemnly.
Mikey? What the hell's up with Mikey, why can't Donnie just deal with it?
"what's wrong with Mikey?"
"He just hasn't been acting like he used to you know?"
And this was not the direction I expected this conversation to head in, gee Donnie what is up with this. Can't he ever just say what he means, damn it. I'm sure if there was something wrong with Mikey I would have noticed, sure he spends more time glossing over the night watcher, is that what its about? I know Donnie doesn't want me to tell him that I am the masked vigilante 'cause that would cause all kinds of trouble, so what does he want me to ruin Mikeys view on him? To hell with that. What would I even have to say to Mikey bout the night watcher I mean seriously, I mean if I could I would walk round without the mask, get a little credit but I tend to scare off all the damsels and troublemakers before I get to an actual fight.
"Why can't you talk to him? Or is that too far for your highness to stoop?"
"Raphael, its nothing like that, I just think its ties more into your strong suit"
"Thanks, over emotional, always angry, hothead, damn don, thank you so damn much, have fun talking to Michelangelo."
Then I just walk away, its so stupid.