The Story of My Salvation
By: Reo Star
Chapter 1: Self Loathing
I hadn't slept it almost two days. Not like I was expecting to anyway…I never sleep. Lately, things have been building up, everything and everyone have seemed to have gone off the deep end; who knows maybe I'm just as fucked up…hell I know I'm just as fucked up.
I threw the sheets off and sat up. I looked around, hating my apartment. Everything seemed so much shittier now, nothing has that same flavor. I got up and picked up a pair of blue jeans from the floor, along with my personal favorite black shirt, and threw them on. I couldn't see it, but I knew I looked like hell. I opened the fridge only to find it was empty.
"Damn."
I closed the fridge and grabbed my coat off the back of the couch and headed out, forgetting to lock the door behind me.
I pulled up in front of Wolfram and Heart about five minutes later, and walked to the front door. I stood there for a while, not really wanting to go in. I've spent as little time there as possible lately…things have been difficult. I drew in a deep breath and stepped inside, only to find myself standing in the elevator a moment later, hesitating to press any buttons.
"C'mon Spike, old boy….can't loose your nerve now." I tried to build myself up…prepare myself. It wasn't always this way. I never had this trouble before. Of course that was all before-before he found out…
At last I pressed that damned button, and reach the right floor. As the doors opened I took a deep breath and stepped out. I had to be myself…tried to act like nothing happened the last time I was here. Of course it's not like every one knew...in fact I thought I could easily evade all parties involved…just ask Harmony for some blood, and be on my way.
"Spike, sweaty, I'm glad you're here."
I had no such luck.
"What the bloody hell do you want?" I grumbled at Lorne. He was one of the last people I wanted see.
"Hey, take it easy…I've got a job for you."
"Yeah? What's that?"
Lorne put an arm around my shoulders, forcing me to walk with him….I knew where he was taking me, and I didn't really want to go; I didn't stop him.
"Well, Spike-ums, I need you to talk to some one for me…" He didn't look at me once while he was talking, and all the while we were getting closer and closer to Angel's office. Fuck.
"Who?" I asked, knowing the answer already.
"Well, his name is Angel…and he's a very unhappy guy…"
"Forget it." I started to turn around, but Lorne stopped me.
"C'mon, he wants to talk to you."
You know, sometimes I really hate how trusting I am.
Naturally, Lorne was lying. He's a good guy with good intentions, but I really wish he'd spare the favor of trying to smooth things over.
I walked into the office, Angel was on the phone; he didn't see me enter. I stood in front of his desk, and waited. At last he looked up, the look on his face told me he wasn't expecting to see me this soon. Perhaps he wasn't expecting to see me ever again.
"Uh…I'll have to call you back…" Angel hung up the phone, never taking his eyes off me. "Spike, I wasn't…expecting to see you this soon…or ever…"
I told you.
"Basterd." I mumbled under my breath to an invisible Lorne.
"What um, what are you-"
"Lorne said you-"
"He lied."
I rubbed the back of my neck, and looked at my feet; disappointed, and angry at myself for being so foolish.
"Yeah, I figured." I turned to the door and started to leave. "Well, I just be on my way then."
"Wait, Spike-"
I turned around, and silently yelled at my self for the hopeful look I knew was on my face.
"Why did you come here?"
"My fridge is dry, though I could bum some blood off you."
Angel nodded silently, and picked up the phone.
"Harmony? Get Spike about a months worth of blood." There was a long pause. "Yes—yes I know. What? No! I don see how that's any of your-Harmony, drop it! Just get the blood!" He hung up quickly and then looked at me, a little irritated.
"That it?"
"Yeah." I turned and left the room before he could say anything more.
In the hall Harmony handed me a large box, I could only assume contained my supply.
"Aww, don't look so down…he'll come around."
I looked at her both confused and angry. "What do you know about it?"
"Oh! Nothing! I don't know anything!" She ran back to her desk and tried to look busy. At that moment, Lorne came walking up to me. I wish, for his sake, he hadn't.
"Hey, so how'd it go?"
I set my box down on Harmony's desk and turned around to deck him in the face. I picked up my box and, as calmly as possible, left. I wasn't really upset with him. I was pissed off at myself. I fooled my self into thinking that I had a destiny, that I actually mattered. I fucked that up pretty bad. I also managed to ruin whatever little friendship Angel and I had. My life, at the moment, sucked. I didn't expect it to get any better soon, so I did what I always do when things get this fucked up. I went to the bar.