In the world, there are happy tales, sad tales, tales of anger, tales of death, tales of epic battles, and tales of livelihood. This particular tale is none of those. So, if you are looking for a story about any of the things above, go read some other fan fiction. However, if you are looking for an action adventure with a dash of self depricatin… er… perfectly normal humor, than this fanfic is the thing for you. So, begin it shall.
Link died long ago.
(Yea, yea, it's a ZELDA fanfic, but hear me out, OK? Does it say LINK in the title? No, it says ZELDA… OK, fine. Zelda isn't in the fanfic either….. Oh, shut up!) His son Bonzo was walking around…
(What are you looking at? What do you mean "Bonzo? What kind of name is that?" Read the title of this Fanfic. It says it's a parody. Would you find the name Bonzo in a regular, serious fanfic? No? THAN STOP BUGGING ME WHILE I WRITE!) Anyway… Bonzo was walking around, and (For lack of a better plot) he suddenly heard a SC-A-RE-A-M! Malon suddenly ran out of the barn (Conveniently placed near him) screaming "AKK! The old man has escaped from the dark real… er… Old folks home! We must run!"
"Wha? The Old Man has escaped? Crap! I must go out on a cliché 'Links son' journey and stop him!" But first, (In true "Link's Son" style) I have to find a partner to go out with in this journey. Bonzo looked at his large amount of people available to him. From The Cuckoo Lady to Adam Kadamon (I just hate inside jokes in fanfics, don't you?) Anyway, he chose the first person that he found, who happened to be Tingle's youngest brother, (Significant passages are underlined) DAVID JR. They wandered out into the land of Hyrule, going around and asking people where the old man was last spotted. After asking Zelda/Malon (Choose one) they found out that the vile Old Man was living out in death mountain in a little hut on top of a rock in the middle of a group of small rocks surrounded by sentences that went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. That was his evil defensive wall, you see, for he had his defensive wall system linked up to the Zelda section. Evil, wouldn't you say?
MEANWHILE, TALON WAS…
Drinking some milk.
Er… what? In the title it mentioned Talon. We had to put him in here somewhere. Ah, of course. Just keep it quiet, OK?
Anyway… Our 2 heroes were now lost on Death Mountain. Suddenly, out of nowhere (Which is pretty odd, since DM is just one giant trail with no real hidden places for someone to jump out at you) a giant one of those spider thingies (You know, the red ones?) leaped at our heroes! And just as the spider was descending on our shocked heroes, they bega…
MEANWHILE, TALON WAS…
Looking for his pants.
What was that? We're in the middle of the action sequence? Hell, until they find the old man, this is the ONLY action sequence! And how were you expecting to save them anyway, tough guy? Easy, a plot hole of gargantuan proportions. You are an idiot, you know that? Whatever, back to our stor… Where the heck did the Spider go?
"I'M OVER HERE".
Why aren't you attacking Bonzo and David Jr.?
"BECAUSE YOU'RE PLANNING ON KILLING ME OFF IN THE FIRST SEQUENCE I'M IN, THAT'S WHY! THIS IS MY BIG BREAK! I ASKED FOR A DECENT ACTING ROLE!"
For crying out loud, you were the one who accepted the role labeled "Monster 1" in the script!
"THAT DOES IT, I'M LEAVING!"
Um… OK, he left. Filling in for the giant spider beast will be Mario. So…
"Oh, God! We're going to get killed by this giant spider beast!" said Bonzo.
"Not to worry, Bonzo! I'll use my magical fairy powers to help!" Chimed DJ. (Heh, DJ.)
"Mama Mia! It'sa Pizza Pie!" Screamed the Spider in a threatening tone.
"Ultimate… Fairy… POWER!" Yelled David Jr. A Kamihamiha (Don't blame me, blame my spell check.) type thing formed in his hands, and with not so much as a "MAMA MI…" did the spider fly out of the mountain, er… fly off the mountain in a puff of smoke.
MEANWHILE, TALON WAS…
Taking a nap.
Hmm? No witty comment? Whatever, I'm used to it.
They continued their journey of the mountain until they reached the wall of words.
"AGHAST!" screamed David Jr. "However will we do it?"
"Mwahaha… welcome to my lair. You'll have to beat me to get into my wall" said the Old Man. "And always remember, 'Eastmost peninsula is Key'… Mwahaha…"
"Repeat last line" said DJ. (Note that by Last line, we meant AGHAST, not the However line. Just clearing that up. Frankly, this took longer than just typing AGHAST would have… Whatever.) The old man began to scream an evil death song, and our heroes had to cover their ears.
WELCOME TO OUR FIRST EDITION OF "INTERACT WITH YOUR FANFICS!" THIS IS A NEW THING IN FANFICS WHERE YOU ACTUALLY ACT OUT AND INTERACT WITH THIS FAN FICTION! TODAY:
ACT OUT THE OLD MANS SONG BY GETTING A MEAT GRINDER, PUTTING A SMALL DOG (OR A LITTLE SISTER) INTO IT, AND TURNING IT ON HIGH. CONGRATS, YOU'VE JUST INTERACTED AND PERFORMED A UNIQUE VERSION OF THE OLD MANS SONG! (Note, today's IWF is not sponsored, endorsed, or even liked by the ASPCA, or the PETA, but it is widely sponsored by the AFRLS. That's the Association For the Removal of Little Sisters.)
The old man screamed and shouted, and it took all the willpower that Bonzo could muster to drag himself towards the old man and stab him in the throat, causing the madness to stop."Blarg… I am dead…® © tm Said the old man. But… before I die and you get the diamond…
Wait… What diamond? When was a diamond introduced? It's a trick us fan fiction authors use. We introduce an item near the end of the story, so the whole story seems to be deeper, with more content. Whatever, ya big looney.
MEANWHILE, TALON WAS…
Reading the owners manual to his new tractor. (Even though they don't grow anything over at Lon Lon.)
So the old man was saying: "With… My… Last… Breath…… I give you…… words…. of wisdom….. Dodongo…. Dis…likes…." And than the old man died.
"Dislikes what? DISLIKES WHAT? NOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Link. But the job had been done, the old man vanquished. The word wall came down, the unknown diamond was returned to its rightful owner, Zelda. (See? I TOLD YOU! I told you that Zelda would be here somewhere! Oh yeah! I ROCK! YEAH!) The fanfic was over, and everyone except for David Jr. (Who was brought into a mental institution due to thinking he was a fairy.) lived happily ever after.
The (Cliché) End.