Chapter Whatever: Death Is Upon Us

"Hey Jack?"

Jack (Ripper) looked up from the mountainous pile of tissue paper. "Hmm?"

"Ever feel like you're completely in a daze? Like time seems to freeze in the moment? And we don't move for months?"

Jack (Ripper) spat the bright pink paper from her mouth with a comedic 'poof'.

"Suuuuure?" she said cautiously.

"I think we just had that type of thing. We've been frozen here for … a long time!"

"Wow. That's weird."

Ob smiled gratefully. "So you think so too?"

"No, it's weird that you actually said something intellectual."

Ob suddenly got defensive. "I bet you couldn't even SPELL 'intellectual'!"

Jack (Ripper) gasped so deeply that she ended up choking on the air. "How dare ye!"

"SPELL IT!"

Race suddenly popped into view. "I can spell it!"

Ob and Jack looked at Race and stated in unison: "Go for it."

Racetrack Higgins smiled playfully, showing off his nappy teeth.

Ob blinked. "Nappy?"

"OB!" Jack hit her. "FOCUS!"

Racetrack Higgins smiled playfully, showing off his nappy teeth.

Ob threw her hands in the air. "NO! I can't work like this! I can't work when words like THAT are being tossed around! 'Nappy'! Why not … 'gross'? 'ugly'? 'crooked'?"

Racetrack crossed his arms in front of his tiny chest. "Hmph!" he hmphed.

Jack (Ripper) rolled her eyes. "Because 'nappy' sounds all gangster-ish."

Skittery jumped in. "And that's what dem kids are into these days."

"Gaahh!" Ob fumed heatedly. "This is sick! I can't work like this. I'll be in my trailer!" She attempted to storm off but Cowboy caught her with a lasso made of tissue paper.

She giggled madly. "OoH! Jack, not here! Wait for the bedroom before you tie me up!"

Jack (Ripper) slapped somebody. Two guesses who it was.

Okay, going back to the nappy - er crooked teeth.

Racetrack Higgins smiled playfully, showing off his crooked teeth.

"I can spell it!"

"I can spell cheeseburger," Jack (Ripper) insisted. She looked up to the roof and spun off random letters. Ob slapped her.

Kid Blink had begun to dance around. "I'm a blonde! I'm a blonde! B - L - O - N - … J - Q -…X!"

Ob and Jack (Ripper) blinked several times. Ob drooled from staying still so long.

"Sick!" Jack (Ripper) exclaimed.

"I bet you can't even SPELL 'sick'!"

Ob was briskly pummeled to the floor.

"WE ALREADY WENT THROUGH THAT SCENARIO!" Jack claimed.

From a tiny spot (conlon) on the floor, Ob uttered in a tiny voice:

"I betcha can't even SPELL scenario!"

Suddenly, a husky voice reverberated off the walls and into every newsie's left ear. All the blood went cold; even the tissue paper shivered in fright.

It was Spot Conlon.

He'd magically appeared at the doorway, look sexy in a tight overshirt with the top few buttons undone. Ob died. Jack swooned. Both Jacks. Yes. Cowboy is gay. All gay, right down to his plastic complexion.

"Is that Spit?" Ob bobbed up and down, forcing her eyes away from the likes of Spot Conlon's tight ass. Jack (Ripper) nodded, then turned to Ob hastily.

"It's Spot, doorknob!"

"I bet you can't even spell !"

"What is goin' on heah?" Spot Conlon asked in his terrible accent. Ob ran over to him, canoodled him, and then she disappeared in the closet.

Jack (Ripper) stood atop some of the tissue paper. "Err nothin'."

"Don't look like nuttin," Spot replied.

"Your Engish astounds me."

Spot froze. "Engish?"

"Yes."

"A buh - "

"You're hot."

Spot blinked. "Come again?"

"No thanks, I'm finished."

"Ew!" Ob ewwed from the closet. She emerged shyly, stood next to Skittery, squeezed his buttocks, and ran away, skipping merrily through the pounds of tissue paper. Jack (Ripper) continued to stare at Spot, who was completely floored by the lack of seriousness emitting from these strange girls' pores. He'd met some crazy ones before, oh yes he had, but these ones were just … dumb.

"Hey, hey! Are you with me?" Ob bounded in front of Jack (Ripper)and snapped her fingers in front of the trench coat wearer's eyes. Jack (Ripper) blinked, slapped Ob, and replied with:

"I'm not really your type."

Mush cackled and hit the wall, breaking it. "You hear that fellas? She asked Jack is she was with her and she said 'I'm not really your type'! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h ahahahaha -" Mush died. Everyone mourned.

... umm ... I'm drunk.