Heero tore his gaze away from the blackness of space and looked at the blond burden in his arms. The atmosphere in the shuttle was a bit strange. The five youngsters were sitting in the main compartment, Quatre snuggled in Heero's arms, Duo in Trowa's and Wufei in the remaining seat, eyes closed. Iria's hospital bed had been secured in the back compartment. She had been given enough painkillers for the flight back to L4 and had a nurse with her. Abdul Ben Hassan had left them alone, and Heero had felt a little ashamed to realize he was relieved to see the man go. But that strange feeling of security and trust between the five of them was back. It was new for him, and he wanted to hold on to that.
The killer had gradually come to accept that he actually trusted those four other people, not because of a logical decision made by his mind, but because of what his guts told him. They were all dangerous in their own way. Hell, he was dangerous too, and yet 'they' trusted him too. This went against everything he had ever learnt. Not to get close. Not to get involved. Remaining as detached and away as possible.
'Bit too late for that, don'tcha think ?', the little voice said, and Heero was startled to realize it sounded more and more like Duo with each passing day.
Looking up, Heero saw that Duo's violet eyes were currently watching him. Heero was holding Quatre against his chest, the blond young man sound asleep. He had held on through the statement to the press and the packing at the hotel, but as soon as they had stepped on the shuttle, he had crawled into Heero's embrace and put his head right there on his chest, where he could hear the steady heartbeat. He had fallen asleep in minutes, too exhausted to even resist it. Duo in Trowa's arms almost mirrored the position except for the fact that Trowa was sleeping and Duo wide awake. Heero shot a questioning look to the American.
"I think you guys are cute", Duo said softly, a twinkle of his usual mischievous self beginning to get alive in his eyes again.
"I don't do cute, Maxwell", Heero replied in the same voice, glaring a bit.
"Nope, you don't", Duo admitted. "You do dead sexy an' all, but Cat's cute."
There was a short silence during which Heero absentmindedly brushed his fingers through the light blond strands of hair.
"I don't know what to do for him", he finally said. "I don't know what he needs me to do for him. I never ..."
"You're doin' fine, Heero", Duo cut in with a gentle smile. "Honest. I'm sure you probably never had to do that before, but believe me, you're doin' just fine. You learn fast."
"And what exactly am I doing right ?"
"Being there. That's all he needs right now. The things he keeps to himself, he must be the one to work them out. All ya can do is be there for the times when he's gonna crack up. And I know he will. He can't do this alone."
"You've done it before", Heero stated matter-of-factly.
"Yup. When we were kids, mostly. He did the same for me. Especially in the beginnin', just after he found me and Hil. I was havin' nightmares about the fire, and every time I woke up screamin', he would be here by my side and holdin' me. I'm glad there's someone to do that for him now."
"And ... what about you ?"
Duo shot a look to Trowa's sleeping face.
"Well, looks like I found someone to do that for me too."
They stopped talking, both looking at Quatre again. The young Arabian shifted slightly in his sleep. He still had dark circles under his eyes, and his strained face made him look a lot younger than his eighteen years.
"He shouldn't have come down for that press statement", Duo said thoughtfully. "He was tired enough without that, should've stayed with Iria or something. Well, at least he's sleepin' alright."
"Hn", Heero said, his mind wandering back to the scene that had taken place hours before.
"Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please", Abdul said. "This is NOT a press conference, but an official statement from the Winner family. Mr Winner will not answer any questions nor make any comments. Thank you."
Abdul went on reading the carefully prepared speech he had shown Quatre. Heero had let go of his hand as they had stepped out of the elevator, but the young Arabian was still standing very close to him, as if seeking comfort in his presence. Heero was watching the crowd of journalists with increasing disgust. They were hanging on Abdul's every word, cameras and microphones working, and shooting glances to their small group.
Neither of them had changed clothes, and they all looked worn out, but it didn't make them less impressive, spread out around Quatre like a protective guard. Noin and Sally had taken stances at each end of the group, cautioning their presence and therefore leading everyone to believe that they were security. Which was alright for Heero. That is, until Abdul finished his speech.
There was an immediate rush for Quatre as soon as the last word fell from the young spokesperson's lips, in spite of everything he had said. The blond young man took a step back, but that was not enough for those people to understand that he did not wish to answer questions at that point. Heero felt rage blaze inside. He had lost his father hours ago, and there they were, like vultures over a carcass, wanting as much blood as possible.
None of his friends saw him taking the gun out. None of the journalists either, for that matters, but it stopped them right in their tracks when the Glock was suddenly pointed at them, and a very audible click indicated it was armed and ready to fire.
"Unless some of you people got ear problems, I think you all heard Mr Ben Hassan state quite clearly that Mr Winner won't answer questions", Heero said, his voice icy-cold. "I suggest you leave before I get a cramp."
Suddenly, the journalists found hundreds of things to do elsewhere and almost fought to get out first. Heero holstered his gun again, and felt a little hand slid into his.
"Thank you", Quatre said. "I couldn't have taken it now. Please take me out of here."
It was at that moment that Heero had realized he couldn't feel Quatre's emotions anymore. The presence was still here, but it looked like the link was ... closed. Not cut, but closed. Apparently, his lover had built some kind of walls to keep him out. He had obviously been in pain during the whole statement, and later while packing his things, but Heero had not felt it like before. He had not pressed the issue, though. Quatre probably had a reason to act like this, and he would explain in time. But that worried him a bit. Had Quatre blocked him because he didn't want him to be incapacitated by the strange feelings, or had he done it because he didn't want to share the burden ?
"He's shut you out, right ?"
Heero looked up at Duo, wondering how in space the American could have followed his thoughts like this. Then he realized that he was slightly frowning while rubbing Quatre's temple.
"I knew it from the start, buddy, don't get your panties in a twist, I'm no mind-reader, and given where you come from, I wouldn't want to read your mind, no offence. I mean, I got my own load of shit, right ? But anyway, I think Cat just needs to be a bit alone in his mind, see what I mean ? He didn't want ya to be all dizzy with his pain, cuz if you'd been, you wouldn't have pulled the stunt with the gun an'all, and I'm not sure anything else would've made them fall back, y'know ? And he doesn't want to feel your worry either, right now he just needs to rest. So he just shut everyone out. It's pretty tiring to be an empath, you know. He's only been able to control it really in the past years. You brought things to a whole new level, so he just needs the rest right now. He needs to forget all this for a bit."
"I understand."
Duo smiled kindly.
"Sure you do, but doesn't prevent you from feeling insecure about it all ? Am I right ?"
Heero nodded, not really sure that was something he should admit.
"Guess it's normal", The young American kept on. "But don't believe an instant he doesn't need you. He does. But he's not one to plead for help, or even beg for support. When the time comes and he realizes he can't do it on his own, he'll need you. And I know you'll be there."
"How can you be so sure that's what's going on ?"
"'Cuz I know him. I know what he's like, I know how he reacts. I know he'll try to do what people expect, and I know he will fail, 'cause that's just not him. And you, you love him for who he truly is. So he will turn to you."
"And ... don't you wish he would turn to you instead ?", Heero asked, prodding a bit.
Duo winced.
"As he clearly said, I am not what he needs. I can be here as his friend, Heero. But I can't be here like you. It's just not the same, and I can't explain with words, so ...If you'd asked a week ago, maybe I would have wished that. But not anymore. I want what's best for him, and for the moment, that's you. So take care of him unless you want to learn the real meaning of the word pain. And don't even think of smirking, Shinigami does not make idle threats!"
"Wakatta", Heero replied, smirking nonetheless.
O.O.O.O
AC 198, August 20th, L4 Colony Cluster, Winner Mansion
The Mansion was gradually filling with people. The funeral would take place on the next day, but some of the Winner sisters were living too far away to be able to make it for the exact day, so they had agreed to come a day before and sleep at the Mansion. In fact, only ten of the young women really needed it, but they were coming with their husbands and children. Iria's husband had also arrived the day before with his sons. Quatre had insisted for his eldest sister to stay with him for the moment, and she had agreed, knowing he would need help with WEI soon.
The house should have been incredibly noisy, filled with at least thirty children, their parents, and enough servants to take care of everyone. It wasn't. The sadness was almost palpable, and the great halls were eerily silent. And yet, Heero had seen smiles on the faces of all those people.
The way they reacted to death was something that was brand new to Heero. He was not the best person to know about it. He had a strange relationship with death, dealing it without passion to people who deserved it and yet unable to face it in his own personal life, until recently. The Winners were accepting that death as something that couldn't have been avoided, the will of Allah. It was fate's way to remind them that they were all mortals. Which encouraged them to enjoy their life all the more, since they knew it could end any time and any place. And although it was obvious that they were very sad to have lost their father and leader, they took the opportunity to be all together as an occasion to know each other better, and renew bonds that they thought were broken.
Quatre didn't look very involved in all this, and the truth was he wasn't. During that day he moved on autopilot, his eyes staring in the void, uttering greetings and giving smiles automatically. The last days were melting into a blur in his mind, and he was not really sure this was happening, or if he would wake up any moment now and realize it was all a bad dream. He had practically shut himself to everyone, not talking unless he had to, and barely listening when people talked to him. What worried him a bit was that for the moment he absolutely didn't care. He knew his friends were worried about him, he knew Iria was worried, he knew Heero must be worrying himself to death, and he didn't want them to know just how much he was hurting. Because he was exhausted, and just wanted to rest. He wanted it to be over, whatever the 'it' exactly was. He was avoiding the subject as much as possible, only feeling the occasional pang of guilt when he crossed Heero's anguished deep blue eyes.
/-/-/-/
Heero could do nothing but watch from afar, along with the rest of them. Iria and Duo, who had been knowing Quatre for longer, didn't seem to want to do anything, although it was obvious they were worried. They had both said Quatre needed time to himself.
"He doesn't want to deal", Iria had said. "It's perfectly normal at that stage, so for the moment, I think we should just leave him alone. If it lasts, I will begin to truly worry. But right now, he does not need us to bug him."
Trowa and Wufei had seemed to agree and Hilde too. Heero had met Duo's sister the previous night. Quatre had been so tired he hadn't woken up when the shuttle had landed. Hilde had been waiting for them at the spatioport with her husband. She had hugged Iria and been introduced properly by Duo, before driving them back to the Mansion. Someone must have had told her about their situation, because she had made sure there was room for Heero's stuff in Quatre's bedroom, and assigned a single bedroom to Duo and Trowa. She had also prepared accommodations for the two GSA Agents on the main floor. It appeared she and Amal had been preparing everything for the future invasion of the house. When the moment of tending to the body had come, though, Hilde had left, leaving the Winner girls to their own task. She had done her best to make the boys comfortable, and even succeeded in waking Quatre up for half an hour to have him eat something. In fact she had blatantly guilted him into eating something, but since it had worked, Heero had not complained. He had held his young lover all night, and in the morning, Quatre had begun to play his role as the new master of the house.
Play. That was all it was, and all of Quatre's friend could see it. This was not really Quatre, but just some kind of empty shell assuming his form and saying the words everyone wanted to hear. And it made them shiver, but there was nothing they could do right now.
Heero was feeling slightly ill at ease. The fact that he could feel the link between Quatre and himself closed made him physically ill, on the verge of nausea. He hadn't realized, up until now, how much he relied on it. What it had meant to have this in his everyday life. The wonderful feeling of feeling complete that was so new and that he had taken for granted, only to see it being swept away. If nothing else, it made him all the more determined to get back at Lady Une. He didn't need anyone else to ruin his life, he was pretty gifted to do it on his own. Of course, none of this ever even showed on his face, and he was bravely holding up, looking for resources in his training.
He had taken over the ruling of the Security Service. Rashid had not even asked questions, although on the paper he was still the head of Security. In fact, there was not that much to do. The Security Staff, trained by Rashid, were competent, and Heero had turned to updating the computer system up to the point that not even he could have broken through the security. Just to get a nervous stroke as Duo quite efficiently demonstrated that he could still break through the security unnoticed. But since the young American was clearly trying to work some steam off his system, Heero settled on killing him later, and tried to follow him on the security monitors instead. Just hoping that the funeral would finally bring some kind of closure to Quatre, because he was not sure he could stand and watch for much longer.
O.O.O.O
AC 198, August 21st, L4 Colony Cluster
The lights were shining bright on the day of the funeral, shining on the white garments of the family. About a hundred persons all clad in white were circling around the tomb, a simple hole in the ground with a semi-circular engraved stone at the head. Reporters and curious were kept well away from the grieving family by GSA Agents and the Winner Security Service.
There were still black spots in that sea of white. Heero had kept his usual clothes, all black. Duo was wearing his priest outfit, and Trowa had opted for dark jeans and a black turtleneck, in spite of the heat. The Peacecrafts, the only non-relatives to have been invited, were also wearing black. Only Wufei in his Chinese outfit, blended in.
No one was weeping, or at least not openly. The most common expression was a sad smile of acceptance. Yet both Iria in her wheelchair and Quatre standing by her side looked on the verge of tears, only holding them back because they were not supposed to be crying over the dead.
The body was brought, wrapped in two shrouds, one green and one white. No coffin. It was deposited into the grave, and for a moment, no one moved as the Winners paid their last respects to their defunct father.
Heero felt uneasy. The vision of that tomb, with that body inside, troubled him. It took him a minute to pinpoint exactly why. He had never seen Odin's body. After the execution, the killer's body had been burnt and his ashes buried in a communal grave outside of the prison where he had spent his last days. But Heero had not been there. He had not wished to be there, maybe because it was easier to pretend nothing had happened as long as he hadn't seen the corpse. But the lethal injection had killed his heart as well as his mentor that day, and not seeing the burial had just fueled his violent denial of his sadness and that strange feeling of being betrayed by someone you trust. And now, in front of that open tomb, Heero had the feeling he was finally beginning to be at peace with himself. It was not only Quatre's father they were burying today. It was also those two cold years of being alone and abandoned. And Heero could feel the closure he had wished for Quatre. He could feel his heart finally accepting the pain of being left alone in the world, and overcoming it. It could end now. It would end now. Heero was finally free to move on with his life. Now he could only wish this was true for Quatre too.
At his side, the blond young man was experiencing very confused and mixed feelings. Quatre knew he was not supposed to cry. And he was doing his best not to, and it was tearing his heart apart. Of all the faces around him, the only ones expressing real pain where those of Iria, of his friends, and of the Peacecrafts. Everyone else seemed to accept that fate was responsible for this death, and expected him to do the same.
Quatre didn't know who to turn to. Most of his sisters would not understand his distress. Iria probably would, but she was obviously doing her best not to cry too, and she was still recovering. Acting on pure instinct, Quatre reached blindly for Heero's hand and took it, holding onto it for dear life. He was feeling so cold inside. So numb, so lifeless. The aftershock of the awful experience was not over yet. Only Heero seemed to be able to make the cold go away. And yet, Quatre was not sure he could open up to his lover just like this, and burden him with all his pain and sadness, when he had so much of his own.
Heero jumped when Quatre took his hand. The young Arabian hadn't made a secret of their relationship, but he hadn't advertised it either. They had avoided too intimate contact when in public the previous day. But right now, Quatre looked so lost that Heero felt his heart break. It was killing him not to feel him anymore, and it was killing him to know Quatre was doing it on purpose. Quatre needed help, but he was not ready to ask for it. Heero wasn't sure he would have the patience to wait for his lover to ask for help. Quatre's pain was obvious in his eyes, even if Heero could not feel it through their bond. And Quatre didn't want him to help. And that hurt.
O.O.O.O
One of the great halls of the Mansion had been totally transformed to host the funeral banquet. All the furniture had been moved to be replaced by silky carpets, little round tables that could accommodate five to ten persons and plushy cushions for people to sit or kneel on. The Winners took their places at the tables. Quatre had managed to have only his friends and Iria with him.
That banquet was a rather joyous affair, much to Hero's astonishment. The people were animatedly telling stories about the defunct and eating for all they were worth. Laughter was heard more than once as old stories were recalled, and people were shouting congratulations and encouragements to Quatre, who only answered with nervous smiles. He had barely touched his plate, just pushing his food around. About half an hour after the beginning of the feast, he excused himself and disappeared before anyone could think to stop him.
Heero stood stunned for a moment before he began to get up too. Only to be stopped as Duo put a hand on his arm.
"Leave him be, Heero", the young American said. "He just needs to be ..."
"Alone for a while, yeah I know !", the Japanese snarled. "Just tell me how being alone will help him since he's already feeling so lonely he thinks no one can help him ! He doesn't need to be alone, he needs to confide to someone before it gets too difficult."
"Heero ..."
"I am not going to stand aside and watch while he's destroying himself ! I am not going to watch him become me ! You can't ask me this !"
"Heero, I ..."
"Duo", Iria interrupted, " I think Heero has a point. This 'masquerade' is doing no good to Quatre. I know it's traditional for us to behave that way, but Allah knows I would have given everything to be able to grieve on my father's body. It must be ten times worse for him."
"But Iria, you said ..."
"I know what I said, Duo, and I think I was wrong. Quatre is strong, but he can't take this right now. He wants to grieve, and his own family won't see this. That's why he's isolating himself, because he doesn't want to disappoint them, and yet he cannot do what they expect of him."
There was a short silence, and Iria's blue eyes turned to Heero.
"You really do love him, don't you ?"
"Hai."
"Then go find him. He needs you right now more than anyone else. He may not be ready to admit it, but he needs your love, and your understanding. If someone can find the words to make him come back, that's you. Please, Heero, do what you can for him. I want my little brother back, not that puppet that acts according to everyone else's wish. I know most of my sisters won't look at your relationship with kind eyes, but as far as I'm concerned, you're the person my brother loves, and therefore a part of the family."
Heero's heart warmed at those words, and he felt torn between smiling and crying. Part of the family. It felt good. It felt right. Heero finally settled on a shy smile, tears shining in his eyes.
"Hai, onee-sama(1)", he whispered, before going away to find Quatre.
O.O.O.OHe found him in the garden, sitting on the grass in the middle of rose bushes displaying their most beautiful flowers, from a virginal white to an incandescent red. The Japanese man went to sit at his side quietly.
"Hey. May I sit here with you ?"
"Of course, Heero", Quatre said wearily. "I .. I just had to go out for a moment, that's all."
"I know, Katoru. I know. It's alright."
There was a short silence before Heero started speaking again.
"You're shutting me out."
Quatre winced.
"I am sorry, Heero, but I had to do it. I can't keep on hurting you like this. I need to find a way to teach you how to do this yourself, but for the moment, that's the only way."
"It should be my decision whether to hurt or not, Katoru, not yours. I've been feeling so few things lately, even pain is better than nothing. I am one to know."
"I ..."
"Why can't you let me help you, Katoru ?"
"Because ... because I feel so bad right now I am not even sure those are my feelings", Quatre whispered, lowering his head. "I hate them. I hate the people who took my father away from me. I hate them so badly it hurts. And I hate them even more because they make me feel that way. I don't want to feel that way. It makes me sick."
Heero's eyes widened at the harsh tone.
"Don't do this, Katoru. Don't close yourself because of the hate. It will destroy your soul. Your beautiful soul. You'll become just like me if you do. You can't do that to yourself. Please."
"I ... There are some things I need to deal with by myself, Heero. I am sure you understand."
"I understand", Heero said, lightly brushing Quatre's cheek. "I am just not sure you know what those things really are, Katoru."
Quatre shot a look back to the hall.
"I don't want to go back", he said very low. "I can't go back.. I'll break in the middle of the hall if I go back. It was not fate that took Father. Someone pulled that trigger ! A human hand !"
"Yes, a human hand. And it was not yours, Katoru."
Quatre's green-blue eyes widened. Heero just kept on tallking.
"I don't even need that bond to know you're feeling guilty. You think it should have been you, don't you ? And you blame yourself."
"Of course I do ! Do you know what I feel right now ? I am mad at him because he got shot ! I am mad at him because he got himself killed and he left me there alone, in the middle of people who never really considered me as a full human being, but as his shadow ! Because I am doomed to be just that forever so they won't turn their backs on me ! Allah, I hate him because he's dead !"
The tears started to flow down, and Heero took his trembling lover in his arms, holding him tight.
"Shh, it's alright. It's normal. I felt the same way when Odin died, you know. I hated him for getting caught, and even more because it was my fault he got caught."
"I ... don't want to feel that ... I can't stand it, it's too hard", Quatre said between sobs.
"I know it hurts, Katoru. I know it makes you sick. I know you feel like you want to die too. But you have to get over this."
"I don't want to, it hurts too much. I want it to be over now."
Heero just held him closer, landing light kisses on the wet cheeks.
"The pain will go away, Katoru. But not right now. Not today. It takes time. You need time."
"I'm tired, Heero", Quatre sniffed.
"I know. I know. But you can rest."
"No, I can't. They won't let me. They want me to celebrate like they do. They want me to smile, and be happy. They want me to keep everything like it was before."
"Katoru ..."
Heero didn't know what else to say. Quatre was rejecting the pain violently, he didn't want to cope with it right now. But it was eating him inside. The young man was torn between his traditions, his family's expectations and his own being. He didn't know what to choose, and Heero had the feeling he was losing himself. Quatre had probably felt it too, and that was why he was fighting with all his strength. But, in Heero's opinion, he was doing it the wrong way. Quatre did not want to break. He could not see that once he would break, he would be able to start building again. But he wanted to hold on, to be strong. Being strong was the last thing he needed right now, Heero was sure of it, and Iria knew it too, but that was what everyone else expected of him. So Quatre was trying. So hard that he was slowly fading.
Quatre sobbed against Heero's chest. He wanted to open up to him so bad it was hurting him, but something was holding him back. 'I can't hurt him more, he's been through so much. I have to be strong for him. I have to hold for him. I have to prove them wrong. I must show them I can be what Father wanted me to be.'
'Okay, but do you even know what your father wanted you to be ?', a vicious little inner voice told him.
By the time he came to that conclusion, Quatre was far too exhausted by his little crisis to think any further. He wanted to sleep, preferably in Heero's arms, and to forget the pain for a few hours.
"Heero, I ... I'll go back to my room and have a nap, I think. I don't ..."
"I'm coming with you", Heero interrupted. "I am not leaving you alone."
Quatre face lightened behind all the pain.
"Thank you", he whispered. "Thank you."
"I can't prevent you from doing whatever you wish, Katoru, but ... let me be here for you. Please."
And then, Heero kissed him. And in his kiss, he put all his tenderness, all his love, all his hurt too. What he could not say with words, he said with contact. Quatre melted into the kiss, accepting it as a thirsty man in the desert would accept a drop of water.
"Thank you for being there, Heero", he said very low. "Please ... don't ... don't leave me."
"I won't, Katoru. I won't. Ore ga omae to eien ni imasu (2). You know it."
"I know. I ... It means a lot to me, Heero. Your love means a lot to me, and I don't want to hurt you. I want you to be safe. I know you think I am wrong, but ... I have to do it my way. You understand ?"
"I do, koi."
'But I won't watch you destroy yourself. You don't understand yet, Katoru. But it hurts more not to feel you than to feel your pain.'
"Thank you", Quatre said again, burying his face in Heero's chest, listening to that heartbeat that was almost the only thing that could calm him down those days.
The strong arms closed around him, making him feel safe, and protected and loved.
"I'll let you deal your way, Katoru", Heero finally said. "But don't forget you've got friends, and people who love you. We are all here for you."
Quatre suddenly looked sad.
"I can't hurt them any more than you, Heero."
And he began to make his way back to the Mansion, avoiding the hall to go back directly to his bedroom. Heero followed pensively.
O.O.O.O
(1) A very respectful way to address your older sister.
(2) I will always be with you.