Hi! Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! This chapter is dedicated to all the people that reviewed. You guys made my day. Thanks! I hope to update the next time sooner, cause my writer's block is over, but I'll be gone for spring break, so I don't know. I just know that I WILL write, lol. Thank you guys, and here's chapter two! Enjoy...:)
Rain. Pounding with rage and fury atop the roof and windows. Rain was a release for pent-up emotions and a sort of inexplicable freedom for the confused souls in the world. The clouds blocked the sun's rays, and for once, the dark shadows covering the earth like a security blanket of a young child contained uncruel intentions.
Like the first cry of a newborn, the single rose rising among the daffodils, or the first cool snowfall in winter, the rain made its presence known...
Emily stared out the apartment window, feeling sick and looking out at the inclement weather conditions in dismay. "I hate the rain."
Ross looked up from his suitcase. "Really? I've always kind of liked it. It's always been, I don't know, soothing in a sad sort of way."
In disbelief, Emily shook her head. "Wow, you're the only person I know that likes being depressed."
He looked at her oddly for a moment. "Well, for some reason, it doesn't have that effect on me."
"You're one complicated man, Ross Geller."
"That's why you love me though, right?" He gave her his best puppy dog grin.
Ross liked the sound of that. One complicated man. Uncomplicated people were boring. Geologists, if you will. But, no. Not Ross Geller. Ross Geller was a complicated man. No one could ever tell what was on a complicated man's mind. Ross felt his face blush. Right now, that was most definitely a good thing.
She ambled over to the bed and placed a kiss on his lips. "I'd say that's one of the many reasons."
"Aww, you're the best, you know that?" Ross ran his fingers through Emily's silky brown hair. "I just can't believe you scheduled this trip for us early. It just means so much to me that we could go down there for a few weeks."
Emily looked up and cleared her throat. "Well, actually, I have another idea. Why don't we pack a little extra and just start our summer trip a bit early?"
Ross's eyes opened wide. "Ems, are you serious!?"
She couldn't tell if he was surprised, angered, or confused. "Well, would you like to?"
Ross picked her up and spun her into the air. "Yes! Yes, definitely! This is the best surprise anyone has ever, EVER given me!"
Emily was pleasantly amused. "Well, Ross, you deserve it. You moved here for me, left your friends and family...I think it's high time we paid them a visit. Do you think Monica will mind us staying that long?"
Ross chortled. "Are you kidding me? Wow, when we're in town, you have to spend more time around my sister. She'll be thrilled! Having guests means she can re-open Hotel Monica!"
"Hotel Monica?"
"Long story, don't ask."
"Alright, then. I guess all we have to do is call her and ask."
"Yeah...God, this is so great! I can't wait to see everyone again!"
Emily shifted in discomfort on the unmade bed. "Um, Ross?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think it will be, I don't know, weird to be living with Rachel again?"
Ross froze dead in his tracks. He loved Emily to death and wanted nothing to change the level of stability he had with her. Hearing her say Rachel's name made him wonder if things were indeed going to be weird. Emily looked at him expectantly. Her level of interest on this topic made Ross uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. "Well, we never exactly lived together..." His voice trailed off into the dead silence.
"Yes, but you two were very close, Ross. And you haven't REALLY seen each other or actually spoken for real in what, a year?" Seeing she wasn't going to receive her answer yet, Emily continued preaching. "I just hope it's not weird to be in the same apartment for five months."
Ross replied with the exact opposite words that were on his mind. "No, I'm sure it will be fine. Rachel's great, and I'm pretty sure we're both over each other by now...Yeah, you two will finally get a chance to bond."
Emily nodded along eagerly at his last mention, but looked appalled at his first. "Ross, what do you mean, you're 'pretty sure' you're both over one another by now?"
Ross realized his slip-up and turned bright red. "No, I mean we ARE. We are SO over each other." He hugged her gently for reassurance, not only for her, but also for himself.
"Well, that's good to hear. I'm really glad you and Rachel were both able to let go and move on. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but think of this," she playfully patted his knee, "now you have me!"
Emily's words spun circles around his head as he looked at her. "Now you have me...Now you have me..." Suddenly, her face morphed into something wonderful.
Her brown eyes changed to blue and dull brown hair was colored sparkling blond. Ross couldn't shake Rachel's face from his mind.
Emily's face re-entered his head and sat along side Rachel's. While Emily's smiling mouth constantly chanted, "Now you have me...Now you have me!", Rachel's face was frowning, and she carried a hurt expression with her, as if she was carrying the burden of a hundred lovelorn women. "Now you have her, but look what you lost..."
Her face faded away into oblivion, but her words stuck with him for a long time. "Look at what you lost, Ross. Look at what you lost..."
~*~*~*~*
Rachel loved the rain. Most people found themselves in happier spirits when the sun bestowed its rays upon the earth, but lately Rachel found herself loathing the sun.
Sunshine represented all that was happy. Rain, on the other hand, was dreary. It was calming, yet angry. Soothing, yet discomforting. To Rachel, it fit her mood perfectly.
Looking out the window in her room, she mentally reviewed her week. Work, drink, eat, drink, sleep, and drink. 'What an exciting life,' she thought.
These days, all of her friends from childhood were married. Her best friends in the city, Monica, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe, were more like her.
Yet...Phoebe and Joey both had fairly unsteady jobs and very steady dating lives. And Monica and Chandler had pretty nonexistent dating lives, yet flourishing jobs.
And Ross...Ross had it all. A wife, a home, and a wonderful job. Rachel always thought that after she and Ross broke up, one of two things would happen. One, she imagined that one day they'd end up in each other's arms again. Either that, or Rachel would remarry, and poor Ross would be left alone.
As Rachel looked out the window, watching the happy couples stroll in the New York Friday nightlife, she realized that Ross would be coming in two days.
A week ago, when Monica told her that Ross and Emily were extending their visit, Rachel pretended to be thrilled. It took Monica all of ten seconds to realize that Rachel was acting.
That night, Rachel drank and let her body succumb to the misery her heart was now accustomed to feeling. She drank and drank, until she was so intoxicated that she couldn't tell her reflection from the shadows playing upon the wall. Rachel shook her head in dismay at her actions, yet made no attempt to quit. The past week she had consumed more alcohol than she usually did in four months.
'What am I doing to myself?' she wondered. 'It's a Friday night...everyone else is out. Next time I'm asked to go somewhere, I should. My life shouldn't revolve around memories of Ross.'
Slowly, Rachel slid a picture of Ross out from underneath her pillow. 'I am the most pathetic loser.' Stroking the picture in all its finery, she realized something that scared her. She didn't even care.
Footsteps. Keys. That could only mean one thing.
"Rach? Are you here?" Monica's voice rang out through the apartment.
Not answering to her calls, Rachel looked at her nightstand. Two cans of beer, a half empty bottle of wine, and a few scattered painkillers. What a sight.
Rachel laid back on her bed, not even caring if Monica saw. She figured a lecture would do her good. 'Hell, it's not like anything else is working.'
Monica knocked cautiously on the door, fully aware of the state her dear friend was probably in. "Rachel, I'm coming in."
As the door slowly creaked open, Monica gasped at Rachel lying on the bed amidst the alcohol. She sat down on the bed and placed her hand on Rachel's head. "Rach, what are you doing to yourself?"
Rachel groaned and slurred as she spoke. "I'm sorry, Mon. I just can't help it anymore."
Monica shook her head. "Rachel, I can't believe this. Weren't you the one who told me never to depend on a man? And wasn't it you who always said don't let a break-up ruin your life? You've always been so strong, Rach. Don't let Ross's return do this to you. I know he's my brother, but don't let your life fall apart because of him."
Rachel blankly stared at the wall, and Monica wasn't even sure she had heard her.
"Rach?"
Rachel's eyes welled up she managed to talk in a croaking voice, one that is on the verge of tears and despair. "Mon, Ross wasn't just a man. He was my life. When I had him, I didn't appreciate him. And now that he's gone, I could just die. I know these feelings have just come out of nowhere, but you have to understand, I've buried them inside. When he was gone, it was like I was in denial. The break up and his marriage all happened so soon. I guess...I guess I always kind of thought in the back of my mind that one day he'd come back and nothing would be different."
Monica was understanding. "And now that day has come."
"Yeah. It's like, I wanna see him, but I don't. I don't know if I can see him as a married man."
"I know you can, sweetie. It'll be hard, but you can do it. And hopefully, while he's here, you two can become friends again."
Even in her drunken state, Rachel felt bewildered as she realized something. "Mon, I think now I understand how Ross felt about me."
"You mean, when you two were going out?"
Rachel shook her head. "No, before that. When he was supposedly madly in love with me and I was totally oblivious." She shook her head and momentarily shut her eyes, the feeling of her eyelashes meeting soothing her burning skin. "It's not a good feeling."
"Well, yeah, Rachel. It's never a good feeling to have feelings for someone and know that for some reason or another, they don't have them in return. Is this the first time this has happened to you?"
"Yeah."
"Then consider yourself lucky. I've had that feeling countless times. And look at me. I'm fine, I've moved on. Just like you will."
Rachel shook her head in protest as her world blurred before her eyes. Monica was trying to be helpful, but she just didn't understand. Sure, she had gone through bad times in love, but nothing like this. "Mon, I'm just afraid when I see him, I'm going to fall apart, and I won't be able to help it. Every time I think of him, I get depressed. I love him so much I hate him. And I hate myself for hating him while I love him. I just wish I could love him without hating him for what he did to me at the same time."
By this time, tears were flowing freely down her delicate face. "These feelings are so intense, Mon, and they terrify the Hell outta me. I just wish things could be normal. I want to be in control of my mind. I want to be in control of my feelings. But in the past few weeks, I've realized something. I can't be in control of my heart."
Monica rubbed Rachel's back, wishing that there was a way she could help ease the pain. "Sweetie, if you want to be in control of your mind and body, stop abusing it. As for your heart, I'm afraid you're on your own. I'm sure everything will be okay soon. You'll realize that your life does go on, and before you know it, you'll be good friends with Ross. And Emily," she added in for good measure.
Rachel stopped sniffling and slurred Emily's name with utter distaste. "Emily...I can't stand her. She's done nothing to me, but yet she's done everything! I can't take it!" She flopped back onto the bed.
"Rach, you've got to give her a chance. Just try. I know you can do it. Just try to let go of your hatred and see things differently. I know you can do it."
"Ugh."
Monica took that as an agreement. "Now, I'm going to bed, and I'm taking these with me." In her arms, she gathered up the contents of the nightstand: Rachel's way of releasing the pain. "Sleep tonight, and sleep tomorrow. I'm sure you won't be feeling the greatest, and the only way to help that is to rest. Rest up, and that way you'll be feeling great when Ross and Emily come on Sunday."
"There's no way that'll happen."
"We can hope though, can't we?"
"Hopes and dreams are worthless, Mon. I'm living proof."
Monica silently closed the door and left Rachel in the darkness. The rain was coming down harder now, and Rachel stayed silent in the black of night. Her haven, her space of resolute quiet, her home. Rachel was living among the darkness, and for now, nothing could bring her into the light.
~*~*~*~*
Saturday came and went as a blur to Rachel. She could vaguely recall spending a great majority of it in the bathroom. No, it had not been the best day by any means.
While she was trying to sleep off her hangover, Monica was preparing for Ross and Emily's arrival. As a newly married couple, they weren't blessed with an ample pocketbook, and they couldn't afford to rent an apartment for their stay.
Being that they were family to Monica, she had graciously opened the doors of her home to them, much to Rachel's dismay.
Rachel was forced to evacuate her room, and set up camp with Monica. Rachel felt disgusted at the thought that Ross and Emily were going to be living in her room, sleeping in her bed. The pieces of the puzzle were present, but an imposter piece had found its way into the box.
Rachel sat on the couch as her hangover was wearing off. 'And what do you do with that imposter piece? You throw it out. Put it back in its own box. Hell, ship the damn piece back to England, if you want. I don't care, but get it out of my box!'
As Monica entered the room with her vacuum, she looked at Rachel inquisitively. "Rach, how are you feeling?"
Rachel was still in her own world. "Get outta my damn box!"
Monica's eyes opened wide and she threw up her hands in an act of surrender. "Okay, okay! Just let me vacuum underneath the couch, and I'll leave you be."
Rachel snapped out of it. "What?" Her head was throbbing, as if needles were being pressed into her skull. And every time she thought of the needles, she thought of Emily's hands. Poking, prodding, into her brain. Stealing her life.
~*~*~*~*
Later that night, the effects of the alcohol were nearly out of Rachel's system. She was in her bed, just waiting for night to engulf her.
After sleeping all day though, her body needed no rest. In her views, her body needed Ross.
Rachel remembered what Monica told her. "It'll happen one day. You'll get over him and be friends."
But what about when they were lovers? When the world actually spun in her favor? Rachel felt herself smile at the thought, but almost immediately wiped it from her mind. "You're not allowed to think of Ross in that way any more. It's over. Sure, you're one Hell of a mess, but he's not. If you ever want to move on, you should never let yourself even think of him in a way that doesn't make you or him look bad."
At that moment, a strange and awakening thought crossed Rachel's mind. She recalled the night before Ross left for England, the occurrence of their last real conversation. Up until now, she had blocked the memory of it, partly because it was far too painful, and partly because what he told her had been so profound and powerful that it scared her.
Rachel realized she hadn't listened to him long ago. 'Maybe that's what's wrong with me...'
Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to drift back to an event that had taken place a year ago, in this very bedroom. An event, that, if she listened, would
alter the path her life would take forever...
ONE YEAR AGO:
Ross took a ragged, uneven breath and looked into Rachel's eyes. To her, it seemed as if his eyes bore a hole through hers, and he was peering into the depths of her pained soul. "Rach...I...I don't want you to remember me like this."
She shook her head in utter disbelief and closed her eyes momentarily. "Remember you like what, Ross?"
Ross moved in closer to her, never breaking their stare, their connection, their tie to happier times in the past. "I don't want you to remember the bad times we shared."
Rachel felt tears spring to her eyes. She willed them to subside, but her efforts were met in vain. She found herself hanging on to his every word as if they would be the last he spoke.
"What I want you to remember are the good times. On those cold, lonely nights, don't think of the mistakes I made."
His voice faltered for a moment and he began playing with a loose thread on the comforter. It was funny, he thought, that if you tugged hard enough on the string, all of it would eventually unravel. This action consequently mirrored his other actions in life.
Rachel cleared her throat, as she had been waiting, and Ross proceeded. "Don't think of what you said to me at the times when you were hurting the most. We said what we said, and did what we did. It's all in the past, Rach."
"So, what, you want me to just forgive and forget?"
"Forgive, please try. I have, and I know that deep in your heart, Rach, you can. You have a wonderful, loving, caring, heart that is capable of much more than mine is."
He grabbed her hand and began stroking it gently. "Just please don't forget me, Rach...please don't forget. It wasn't all bad, you and me."
A small smile spread across Rachel's face and the slightest hint of a twinkle in her eye appeared. "Yeah, we did have some good times."
Ross chuckled somewhat uncomfortably as he smiled at her and blushed. "Yeah, we had some great times." His tone once again turned serious. "Just remember, Rach." He got up to leave her, but not without leaving her with a phrase she would take to the grave. "Don't forget us..."
Rachel's eyes fluttered open once more as she stared at the ceiling. The apartment was noiseless. Silence chilled her bones, as did the thought of being alone.
It was hard to believe that the conversation she had relived had taken place in the past; it seemed like just yesterday. She brushed away a solitary tear from her cheek. In a nearly inaudible voice, she whispered; "If it was just yesterday, then I could go back and tell him not to leave. I know he'd listen. Now he's across the world. Even if I did tell him, he wouldn't be able to hear me..."
Rachel rolled over on her side and once again, silently vowed to Ross that she'd remember "them". Her life at the time was far from happy, but for tonight, and one night only, she would allow herself to remember.
Her thoughts were carried away with the breeze; floating in the air like a balloon that drifts with no particular destination in mind, but a sure purpose: to leave it all behind.
For one night, Rachel would allow herself to indulge in dreams, not nightmares. She had withheld from them in the past, for fear of not being able to let him go. Rachel sighed, "Well, I already know that that's not going to happen anytime soon, so I may as well let myself think about him."
Memories danced about her sweet dreams, leaving her with a smile through out the night. On this particular evening, her smile came not from the fact that she was finally remembering the good times, but from the fact that she was keeping the one promise that Ross had asked of her.
As the morning sun peeked out shyly from behind the clouds, Rachel awoke with a sense of happiness and purpose. Something was going to happen today, she could feel it. Even though she knew there was no possible way he could hear her, she still spoke. "I'm thinking of us, Ross. I'm always, always, thinking of us..."
Thanks for reading. This was, by the way, one of the happier chapters. Well, it wasn't the most depressing, let's put it that way, lol. I'm just saying it gets a bit angsty in the future. I won't end it too terribly, though. I'm not saying that there won't be any surprises, however. ;) Anyways, please leave me a review so I can be inspired...or if you are just an incredibly nice person and feel like making some pathetic 14 year old's day...;) Whichever.
Mel
Rain. Pounding with rage and fury atop the roof and windows. Rain was a release for pent-up emotions and a sort of inexplicable freedom for the confused souls in the world. The clouds blocked the sun's rays, and for once, the dark shadows covering the earth like a security blanket of a young child contained uncruel intentions.
Like the first cry of a newborn, the single rose rising among the daffodils, or the first cool snowfall in winter, the rain made its presence known...
Emily stared out the apartment window, feeling sick and looking out at the inclement weather conditions in dismay. "I hate the rain."
Ross looked up from his suitcase. "Really? I've always kind of liked it. It's always been, I don't know, soothing in a sad sort of way."
In disbelief, Emily shook her head. "Wow, you're the only person I know that likes being depressed."
He looked at her oddly for a moment. "Well, for some reason, it doesn't have that effect on me."
"You're one complicated man, Ross Geller."
"That's why you love me though, right?" He gave her his best puppy dog grin.
Ross liked the sound of that. One complicated man. Uncomplicated people were boring. Geologists, if you will. But, no. Not Ross Geller. Ross Geller was a complicated man. No one could ever tell what was on a complicated man's mind. Ross felt his face blush. Right now, that was most definitely a good thing.
She ambled over to the bed and placed a kiss on his lips. "I'd say that's one of the many reasons."
"Aww, you're the best, you know that?" Ross ran his fingers through Emily's silky brown hair. "I just can't believe you scheduled this trip for us early. It just means so much to me that we could go down there for a few weeks."
Emily looked up and cleared her throat. "Well, actually, I have another idea. Why don't we pack a little extra and just start our summer trip a bit early?"
Ross's eyes opened wide. "Ems, are you serious!?"
She couldn't tell if he was surprised, angered, or confused. "Well, would you like to?"
Ross picked her up and spun her into the air. "Yes! Yes, definitely! This is the best surprise anyone has ever, EVER given me!"
Emily was pleasantly amused. "Well, Ross, you deserve it. You moved here for me, left your friends and family...I think it's high time we paid them a visit. Do you think Monica will mind us staying that long?"
Ross chortled. "Are you kidding me? Wow, when we're in town, you have to spend more time around my sister. She'll be thrilled! Having guests means she can re-open Hotel Monica!"
"Hotel Monica?"
"Long story, don't ask."
"Alright, then. I guess all we have to do is call her and ask."
"Yeah...God, this is so great! I can't wait to see everyone again!"
Emily shifted in discomfort on the unmade bed. "Um, Ross?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think it will be, I don't know, weird to be living with Rachel again?"
Ross froze dead in his tracks. He loved Emily to death and wanted nothing to change the level of stability he had with her. Hearing her say Rachel's name made him wonder if things were indeed going to be weird. Emily looked at him expectantly. Her level of interest on this topic made Ross uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. "Well, we never exactly lived together..." His voice trailed off into the dead silence.
"Yes, but you two were very close, Ross. And you haven't REALLY seen each other or actually spoken for real in what, a year?" Seeing she wasn't going to receive her answer yet, Emily continued preaching. "I just hope it's not weird to be in the same apartment for five months."
Ross replied with the exact opposite words that were on his mind. "No, I'm sure it will be fine. Rachel's great, and I'm pretty sure we're both over each other by now...Yeah, you two will finally get a chance to bond."
Emily nodded along eagerly at his last mention, but looked appalled at his first. "Ross, what do you mean, you're 'pretty sure' you're both over one another by now?"
Ross realized his slip-up and turned bright red. "No, I mean we ARE. We are SO over each other." He hugged her gently for reassurance, not only for her, but also for himself.
"Well, that's good to hear. I'm really glad you and Rachel were both able to let go and move on. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but think of this," she playfully patted his knee, "now you have me!"
Emily's words spun circles around his head as he looked at her. "Now you have me...Now you have me..." Suddenly, her face morphed into something wonderful.
Her brown eyes changed to blue and dull brown hair was colored sparkling blond. Ross couldn't shake Rachel's face from his mind.
Emily's face re-entered his head and sat along side Rachel's. While Emily's smiling mouth constantly chanted, "Now you have me...Now you have me!", Rachel's face was frowning, and she carried a hurt expression with her, as if she was carrying the burden of a hundred lovelorn women. "Now you have her, but look what you lost..."
Her face faded away into oblivion, but her words stuck with him for a long time. "Look at what you lost, Ross. Look at what you lost..."
~*~*~*~*
Rachel loved the rain. Most people found themselves in happier spirits when the sun bestowed its rays upon the earth, but lately Rachel found herself loathing the sun.
Sunshine represented all that was happy. Rain, on the other hand, was dreary. It was calming, yet angry. Soothing, yet discomforting. To Rachel, it fit her mood perfectly.
Looking out the window in her room, she mentally reviewed her week. Work, drink, eat, drink, sleep, and drink. 'What an exciting life,' she thought.
These days, all of her friends from childhood were married. Her best friends in the city, Monica, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe, were more like her.
Yet...Phoebe and Joey both had fairly unsteady jobs and very steady dating lives. And Monica and Chandler had pretty nonexistent dating lives, yet flourishing jobs.
And Ross...Ross had it all. A wife, a home, and a wonderful job. Rachel always thought that after she and Ross broke up, one of two things would happen. One, she imagined that one day they'd end up in each other's arms again. Either that, or Rachel would remarry, and poor Ross would be left alone.
As Rachel looked out the window, watching the happy couples stroll in the New York Friday nightlife, she realized that Ross would be coming in two days.
A week ago, when Monica told her that Ross and Emily were extending their visit, Rachel pretended to be thrilled. It took Monica all of ten seconds to realize that Rachel was acting.
That night, Rachel drank and let her body succumb to the misery her heart was now accustomed to feeling. She drank and drank, until she was so intoxicated that she couldn't tell her reflection from the shadows playing upon the wall. Rachel shook her head in dismay at her actions, yet made no attempt to quit. The past week she had consumed more alcohol than she usually did in four months.
'What am I doing to myself?' she wondered. 'It's a Friday night...everyone else is out. Next time I'm asked to go somewhere, I should. My life shouldn't revolve around memories of Ross.'
Slowly, Rachel slid a picture of Ross out from underneath her pillow. 'I am the most pathetic loser.' Stroking the picture in all its finery, she realized something that scared her. She didn't even care.
Footsteps. Keys. That could only mean one thing.
"Rach? Are you here?" Monica's voice rang out through the apartment.
Not answering to her calls, Rachel looked at her nightstand. Two cans of beer, a half empty bottle of wine, and a few scattered painkillers. What a sight.
Rachel laid back on her bed, not even caring if Monica saw. She figured a lecture would do her good. 'Hell, it's not like anything else is working.'
Monica knocked cautiously on the door, fully aware of the state her dear friend was probably in. "Rachel, I'm coming in."
As the door slowly creaked open, Monica gasped at Rachel lying on the bed amidst the alcohol. She sat down on the bed and placed her hand on Rachel's head. "Rach, what are you doing to yourself?"
Rachel groaned and slurred as she spoke. "I'm sorry, Mon. I just can't help it anymore."
Monica shook her head. "Rachel, I can't believe this. Weren't you the one who told me never to depend on a man? And wasn't it you who always said don't let a break-up ruin your life? You've always been so strong, Rach. Don't let Ross's return do this to you. I know he's my brother, but don't let your life fall apart because of him."
Rachel blankly stared at the wall, and Monica wasn't even sure she had heard her.
"Rach?"
Rachel's eyes welled up she managed to talk in a croaking voice, one that is on the verge of tears and despair. "Mon, Ross wasn't just a man. He was my life. When I had him, I didn't appreciate him. And now that he's gone, I could just die. I know these feelings have just come out of nowhere, but you have to understand, I've buried them inside. When he was gone, it was like I was in denial. The break up and his marriage all happened so soon. I guess...I guess I always kind of thought in the back of my mind that one day he'd come back and nothing would be different."
Monica was understanding. "And now that day has come."
"Yeah. It's like, I wanna see him, but I don't. I don't know if I can see him as a married man."
"I know you can, sweetie. It'll be hard, but you can do it. And hopefully, while he's here, you two can become friends again."
Even in her drunken state, Rachel felt bewildered as she realized something. "Mon, I think now I understand how Ross felt about me."
"You mean, when you two were going out?"
Rachel shook her head. "No, before that. When he was supposedly madly in love with me and I was totally oblivious." She shook her head and momentarily shut her eyes, the feeling of her eyelashes meeting soothing her burning skin. "It's not a good feeling."
"Well, yeah, Rachel. It's never a good feeling to have feelings for someone and know that for some reason or another, they don't have them in return. Is this the first time this has happened to you?"
"Yeah."
"Then consider yourself lucky. I've had that feeling countless times. And look at me. I'm fine, I've moved on. Just like you will."
Rachel shook her head in protest as her world blurred before her eyes. Monica was trying to be helpful, but she just didn't understand. Sure, she had gone through bad times in love, but nothing like this. "Mon, I'm just afraid when I see him, I'm going to fall apart, and I won't be able to help it. Every time I think of him, I get depressed. I love him so much I hate him. And I hate myself for hating him while I love him. I just wish I could love him without hating him for what he did to me at the same time."
By this time, tears were flowing freely down her delicate face. "These feelings are so intense, Mon, and they terrify the Hell outta me. I just wish things could be normal. I want to be in control of my mind. I want to be in control of my feelings. But in the past few weeks, I've realized something. I can't be in control of my heart."
Monica rubbed Rachel's back, wishing that there was a way she could help ease the pain. "Sweetie, if you want to be in control of your mind and body, stop abusing it. As for your heart, I'm afraid you're on your own. I'm sure everything will be okay soon. You'll realize that your life does go on, and before you know it, you'll be good friends with Ross. And Emily," she added in for good measure.
Rachel stopped sniffling and slurred Emily's name with utter distaste. "Emily...I can't stand her. She's done nothing to me, but yet she's done everything! I can't take it!" She flopped back onto the bed.
"Rach, you've got to give her a chance. Just try. I know you can do it. Just try to let go of your hatred and see things differently. I know you can do it."
"Ugh."
Monica took that as an agreement. "Now, I'm going to bed, and I'm taking these with me." In her arms, she gathered up the contents of the nightstand: Rachel's way of releasing the pain. "Sleep tonight, and sleep tomorrow. I'm sure you won't be feeling the greatest, and the only way to help that is to rest. Rest up, and that way you'll be feeling great when Ross and Emily come on Sunday."
"There's no way that'll happen."
"We can hope though, can't we?"
"Hopes and dreams are worthless, Mon. I'm living proof."
Monica silently closed the door and left Rachel in the darkness. The rain was coming down harder now, and Rachel stayed silent in the black of night. Her haven, her space of resolute quiet, her home. Rachel was living among the darkness, and for now, nothing could bring her into the light.
~*~*~*~*
Saturday came and went as a blur to Rachel. She could vaguely recall spending a great majority of it in the bathroom. No, it had not been the best day by any means.
While she was trying to sleep off her hangover, Monica was preparing for Ross and Emily's arrival. As a newly married couple, they weren't blessed with an ample pocketbook, and they couldn't afford to rent an apartment for their stay.
Being that they were family to Monica, she had graciously opened the doors of her home to them, much to Rachel's dismay.
Rachel was forced to evacuate her room, and set up camp with Monica. Rachel felt disgusted at the thought that Ross and Emily were going to be living in her room, sleeping in her bed. The pieces of the puzzle were present, but an imposter piece had found its way into the box.
Rachel sat on the couch as her hangover was wearing off. 'And what do you do with that imposter piece? You throw it out. Put it back in its own box. Hell, ship the damn piece back to England, if you want. I don't care, but get it out of my box!'
As Monica entered the room with her vacuum, she looked at Rachel inquisitively. "Rach, how are you feeling?"
Rachel was still in her own world. "Get outta my damn box!"
Monica's eyes opened wide and she threw up her hands in an act of surrender. "Okay, okay! Just let me vacuum underneath the couch, and I'll leave you be."
Rachel snapped out of it. "What?" Her head was throbbing, as if needles were being pressed into her skull. And every time she thought of the needles, she thought of Emily's hands. Poking, prodding, into her brain. Stealing her life.
~*~*~*~*
Later that night, the effects of the alcohol were nearly out of Rachel's system. She was in her bed, just waiting for night to engulf her.
After sleeping all day though, her body needed no rest. In her views, her body needed Ross.
Rachel remembered what Monica told her. "It'll happen one day. You'll get over him and be friends."
But what about when they were lovers? When the world actually spun in her favor? Rachel felt herself smile at the thought, but almost immediately wiped it from her mind. "You're not allowed to think of Ross in that way any more. It's over. Sure, you're one Hell of a mess, but he's not. If you ever want to move on, you should never let yourself even think of him in a way that doesn't make you or him look bad."
At that moment, a strange and awakening thought crossed Rachel's mind. She recalled the night before Ross left for England, the occurrence of their last real conversation. Up until now, she had blocked the memory of it, partly because it was far too painful, and partly because what he told her had been so profound and powerful that it scared her.
Rachel realized she hadn't listened to him long ago. 'Maybe that's what's wrong with me...'
Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to drift back to an event that had taken place a year ago, in this very bedroom. An event, that, if she listened, would
alter the path her life would take forever...
ONE YEAR AGO:
Ross took a ragged, uneven breath and looked into Rachel's eyes. To her, it seemed as if his eyes bore a hole through hers, and he was peering into the depths of her pained soul. "Rach...I...I don't want you to remember me like this."
She shook her head in utter disbelief and closed her eyes momentarily. "Remember you like what, Ross?"
Ross moved in closer to her, never breaking their stare, their connection, their tie to happier times in the past. "I don't want you to remember the bad times we shared."
Rachel felt tears spring to her eyes. She willed them to subside, but her efforts were met in vain. She found herself hanging on to his every word as if they would be the last he spoke.
"What I want you to remember are the good times. On those cold, lonely nights, don't think of the mistakes I made."
His voice faltered for a moment and he began playing with a loose thread on the comforter. It was funny, he thought, that if you tugged hard enough on the string, all of it would eventually unravel. This action consequently mirrored his other actions in life.
Rachel cleared her throat, as she had been waiting, and Ross proceeded. "Don't think of what you said to me at the times when you were hurting the most. We said what we said, and did what we did. It's all in the past, Rach."
"So, what, you want me to just forgive and forget?"
"Forgive, please try. I have, and I know that deep in your heart, Rach, you can. You have a wonderful, loving, caring, heart that is capable of much more than mine is."
He grabbed her hand and began stroking it gently. "Just please don't forget me, Rach...please don't forget. It wasn't all bad, you and me."
A small smile spread across Rachel's face and the slightest hint of a twinkle in her eye appeared. "Yeah, we did have some good times."
Ross chuckled somewhat uncomfortably as he smiled at her and blushed. "Yeah, we had some great times." His tone once again turned serious. "Just remember, Rach." He got up to leave her, but not without leaving her with a phrase she would take to the grave. "Don't forget us..."
Rachel's eyes fluttered open once more as she stared at the ceiling. The apartment was noiseless. Silence chilled her bones, as did the thought of being alone.
It was hard to believe that the conversation she had relived had taken place in the past; it seemed like just yesterday. She brushed away a solitary tear from her cheek. In a nearly inaudible voice, she whispered; "If it was just yesterday, then I could go back and tell him not to leave. I know he'd listen. Now he's across the world. Even if I did tell him, he wouldn't be able to hear me..."
Rachel rolled over on her side and once again, silently vowed to Ross that she'd remember "them". Her life at the time was far from happy, but for tonight, and one night only, she would allow herself to remember.
Her thoughts were carried away with the breeze; floating in the air like a balloon that drifts with no particular destination in mind, but a sure purpose: to leave it all behind.
For one night, Rachel would allow herself to indulge in dreams, not nightmares. She had withheld from them in the past, for fear of not being able to let him go. Rachel sighed, "Well, I already know that that's not going to happen anytime soon, so I may as well let myself think about him."
Memories danced about her sweet dreams, leaving her with a smile through out the night. On this particular evening, her smile came not from the fact that she was finally remembering the good times, but from the fact that she was keeping the one promise that Ross had asked of her.
As the morning sun peeked out shyly from behind the clouds, Rachel awoke with a sense of happiness and purpose. Something was going to happen today, she could feel it. Even though she knew there was no possible way he could hear her, she still spoke. "I'm thinking of us, Ross. I'm always, always, thinking of us..."
Thanks for reading. This was, by the way, one of the happier chapters. Well, it wasn't the most depressing, let's put it that way, lol. I'm just saying it gets a bit angsty in the future. I won't end it too terribly, though. I'm not saying that there won't be any surprises, however. ;) Anyways, please leave me a review so I can be inspired...or if you are just an incredibly nice person and feel like making some pathetic 14 year old's day...;) Whichever.
Mel