He's always there.
At first, when I turned fourteen, I had no idea what was going on. I thought I was going insane. After my life, I wouldn't have been surprised at my mind for finally giving way to the enormous load on it. It's an incredibly weight to bear, you know, being me. But there he is, and there he'll stay. Until I do something about it.
What can I do to someone who exists mainly in my mind, you ask? Well, I have a few ideas, but the hard part is picking just one.
He never leaves me alone. He's always there, watching me, following me. He knows when I eat, when I sleep, when I get lost in thought, when I take a piss. He knows everything about me, and that's the hard part too. I have to hide what I think and what I'm thinking, otherwise he'll find it and he'll torment me with it until the very idea of it seems so vastly absurd that I'll abandon the whole idea. But I can hide very little from him. I'm lucky to be able to hide this. That's why I'm telling this to you now, so you can remember it for me and I can forget and not have to worry about him finding out. If he finds out…
Am I crazy? I might be. Like I said, this whole ordeal is an incredible weight to bear. I'm surprised I didn't crack when I first looked into the mirror and saw those terrifying eyes staring back at me, those eyes that never sleep. They are those of an angel, but the thoughts that hide behind them are demonic. When I first became him, I thought, surely I have lost my mind! And he said, my dear boy, it's entirely possible you have.
See what I have to deal with?
And then I became myself again and that was that. Or so I thought. I threw away my torn clothes and put on some new ones, thinking I'd fallen asleep and dreamed it and ran into something. But now…now the eyes follow me everywhere. They look over my shoulder as I work and they watch me as I sleep. I cannot get away. I cannot get out. I am caught in this spiral and I cannot escape his destruction.
I used to dream about becoming him. Now I dread it. Every time he speaks to me and every time I turn back into myself at the end of his outings might be my last. I am caught between the light and the darkness and for once I want the darkness to win, because the light makes me feel like a small child again, lost and helpless and afraid. He scares me, frightens me, angers me, loves me all at once. I love him. But I have him. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him…
Rare-metal eyes following me around, soft lips whispering sibilant evils in my ear, his voice chasing me around and around and around in my head and never stopping until I start whirling myself, hoping to settle the whirlwind in my head, but that only makes it worse and he will not get out, he will not leave me alone. But I know if he does then that is the end for me, capice, end game, final inning, game over, done. He'll kill me I know. He hates me too, but he loves me more. He despises being trapped in this body sometimes. On his bad days, he'll wake me with a rude stream of obscenities in my head, railing against the family and the curse that keeps him bound to my blood. Those days I stay home because of the chaos in my head. I'm afraid he'll drive me to insanity and I'll start screaming in front of everyone. They don't need to know. I can handle this alone. Niwa…let Niwa rot. I hate him! I love him! I cannot understand my own feelings. He knows though. He always knows.
I want him out. I want to get him out. If I could I would take a gun and shoot myself, or saw off my head, or drown myself or kill myself somehow. I must stop him. He's a madman, you see, he's totally insane and knows not of what he does…but if I were to do this, then he would make my hands turn the gun away, he would make me drop the knife or the sword or come up out of the water or stop me somehow.
I love him for what he gives me. Freedom! To fly through the night, the wind coursing over my wings, is nothing short of heaven for me. I am chained to the fate of the Golden One. I am free but I am a slave to this man in my head.
Golden eyes, watching and waiting.
What I once used to dream, I now dread
If he finds me, it won't ever end
And he'll always be there, singing songs in my head
He'll always be there, singing songs in my head…
Twisted every way, what answer can I give?
Am I to risk my life to win the chance to live?
Do I betray the man who once inspired my voice?
Do I become his prey? Do I have any choice?
He kills without a thought, he murders all that's good
I know I can't refuse, and yet I wish I could
Oh God, if I agree, what horrors wait for me,
In this, the Phantom's Opera…?
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One-shot with Satoshi. I love him, and I adore Kraddums, and the quote is, of course, from "The Phantom of the Opera." Good reviews and constructive criticism welcomed.