Sinking down to the cold tiled floor the tears streamed down her rosy cheeks. Her body trembled in indefinable agony, as she covered her face with her unsteady hands. Everything in their house was his shadow, she wanted to forget; she wanted to escape from this empty ache. How could he have gone? She longed to feel his touch or even to hear his soothing velvety voice telling her that it would all be okay.
Everything had been perfect and now it was all gone. Lifting her head up she searched for an answer, something to help take the pain away. Her eyes fell on her razor and stared blanklyat it. It was a way out, but she couldn't bring herself to reach for it. Something held her back and just wouldn't allow her to give herself that release.
Pulling his robe down from its place on the door, she buried her face into the soft cotton folds breathing in deeply, smelling his scent that lingered still. She had never felt so alone and yet so suffocated in all of her life. No one knew her pain, or understood all the thoughts flashing through her head, even though they all pretended to. Nothing and no one could help her no matter how desperately she screamed out for it. How could he have gone into the darkness to follow a man…. no not even a man, but a creature so malicious? Had she and his child not been enough to at least make him content?
She brushed a damp curl behind her ear sighing heavily. Closing her eyes she tried to think of someone to call. Someone she could talk to and not be ridiculed by. Jade was thousands of miles away on her honeymoon with Sirius. James probably already knew, what with he and Lily being in the order. Remus would probably listen but then he'd probably be too absorbed in his own thought to give any coherent response. She had no one and she wasn't about to call her parents just to hear I told you so.
Picking herself and his robe up off the floor she walked slowly back into the bedroom and slumped down onto her bed. She stared around her at the pictures and at each piece of clothing carelessly strewn across the floor. She didn't even notice as a tall, slim figure walked in.
"Good evening Kaitey," it wasn't the voice she wanted to hear but it was still warm and comforting.
Without turning to face him she sighed wiping away fresh tears. "Hello Professor. How are you?"
"I'm quite well thank you." He said softly as he sat himself in the chair next to her bed. " How is your new family coming along?" He beamed over at the tiny wooden cradle, His blue eyes twinkling as his gaze turned back to her face reading her thoughts as easily as though they were written on a scroll.
Staring sadly at the cradle the tears running freely down her cheeks, "Why did he leave me? I thought he was happy here…" covering her face once more with his robe. " I just don't know what went wrong."
"There, there dear." He moved forward sitting down next to her on the bed. Wrapping his lanky arms around her he rocked slowly to soothe her. "Severus will come back my dear. He is, after all, still very young."
"But you don't understand Dumbledore, he's gone under Vo…. well you know who." She pulled back frustrated, wiping tears away and brushing another curl behind her ear.
"Ahh yes. Now that you mention it I do recall hearing something about it from James." Looking over his half-moon spectacles at her, "He's quite concerned about you, you know. But I would not dwell on it my dear. You've a little one to take care of now as well as yourself." With that he gave her a tender pat on the knee and stood, walking over to the cradle he smiled down at the sleeping child. "He's very luck to have you for a mum Kaitey. You know where to find myself Professor McGonagall should you need anything," and with a twinkling of his bright blue eyes and a soft pop he was gone.
Sliding herself under the sheets she ran her fingers reminiscently across the indent on his side of the bed. Somehow Dumbledore always seemed to know how to soften things. She remembered something Severus had said once that being a Snape came with certain prices. The thought that this might be one of those prices made her sick. What if they expected her son to join when he came of age? What would she do if it came down to her taking it?
Her eyes came back into focus as a shrill wail emitted from the cradle. Standing, she walked over and gently took the infant into her arms. Shifting him slightly, she slid her arm out of her plaid nightshirt. His tiny mouth met mechanically with her nipple suckling greedily for her warm milk. This brief connection brought her back, helping her to realize that this little boy was why she was still here. She smiled down at him as his pudgy fingers began to relax on her breast. Walking back to the bed, she sat herself against the headboard, exhausted from her tears. A tiny pop as he pulled back let her know he'd had his fill and, sitting him up, she pat softly on his back until a relieved belch came forth. After repeating the process on her left side and giving him a quick change, she laid him tenderly back in his cradle. Brushing a black lock from his face, she smiled leaning forward and planting a soft kiss on his chubby cheek.