Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

"Easier To Run"
LINKIN PARK

"Come in." Elizabeth, busy with paperwork, said absently when she heard a knock come from the general direction of her office door. It was probably just Peter with more paperwork anyway.

"Elizabeth have you seen John?" Kate stood leaning against Elizabeth's open doorway, arms folded and a worried look in her eyes.

"Not since last night at dinner, why?" Kate's question struck a cord of worry in Elizabeth and got her undivided attention.

"He was supposed to meet me in my office an hour ago but never showed up and he's not in his room." She held up her hand stalling whatever Elizabeth had been about to say, "And yes I checked with the members of his team and with Carson none of them have seen him, which means since he's not in my office he should be in his room since he knows he's not allowed to go anywhere but his room, the infirmary, or my office alone. You were my last shot."

It had been over a month since John had started visiting with Kate and in that entire time, up till now, he'd never missed or even been late for a single session. Sometimes he'd even sought her out to talk with out having a scheduled appointment. Also in the last month John had finally agreed to let his team in on some of the things that where going on. They didn't know every thing just that John had been taken off field duty due to some medical issues.

John didn't care that he was getting soaked because of the rain. It had been raining for the last two days none stop, but the scientists that kept an eye on the weather assured everyone that it was just your typical rainstorm, nothing to be worried about.

John knew he was supposed to have been in Kate's office over an hour ago, but he just didn't seem to care, not after the dream he'd had last night. For the first time in a long time he hadn't had a nightmare but a good dream. He'd dreamt about something he barely even remembered having, his family as well as things he knew he was never going to have. It was those kinds of dreams that really got to him, he didn't have them often, but when he did it always left him feeling worse than if he'd had a nightmare.

Normally John would have gone to the balcony over looking the north pier to do his thinking and brooding, but he knew that, that would be the first place Elizabeth would direct the search for him when it was discovered he'd gone AWOL, which was why he'd holed himself up on the little roof top deck like thing – he refused to think of it as a balcony it just wasn't the right size or shape to be one in his opinion – near the end of the corridor his quarters were in.

It was well into the afternoon before Elizabeth found John; she'd looked everywhere she could think of that he might be, it'd even gotten to the point where she'd thought he might have found away to take one of the puddle jumpers with out being noticed, but when she'd checked the jumper bay all the jumpers had been accounted for.

Elizabeth had been headed for John's quarters, hoping that maybe he might have shown up there since the last time she checked, when she passed the door that led out on to the little roof top deck as John called it and it hit her that she hadn't checked all the places John might be. Quickly opening the door she was greeted with the still heavy down pore of rain and a soaked John, staring out at the ocean but not really seeing anything, sitting on the ground leaning back against where the railing and the wall met.

"John?" When Elizabeth got no answer she carefully walked over to where John was sitting and crouched down next to him, trying to make herself look as none threatening as she could.

"What do you say we go back inside? We're both getting soaked and it's freezing out here." Elizabeth knew John had to be freezing, she hadn't even been out there a few minutes and already she was freezing, who knew how long he'd been sitting there.

"How about you go back inside and leave me alone." John's statement was more of an order than a question. The words stung a bit, but the dead tone in John's voice shadowed any hurt Elizabeth might have felt.

"I can't do that John. We have to get you out of the rain and warmed up, you're liable to end up sick if you stay out here much longer and then Carson will literally have you chained down to one of the beds in the infirmary."

"Elizabeth I don't care, so go away."

"No not 'til you agree to come back inside with me." Elizabeth wasn't sure what had John acting the way he was, but she'd be damned if she was going to leave him alone.

"I don't want to go back inside. I like it out here."

"I'm sure you do, but I do want to go back inside."

Knowing that their circular conversation wasn't getting them anywhere Elizabeth reached over, grabbed John's hand – which she noted was ice cold – and turned towards the door, giving John the option of willingly going with her or forcing her to try and drag him through the door. Much to Elizabeth's gratitude John more or less went willingly.

"What has gotten into you, John?" Elizabeth demanded once they'd stepped inside John's quarters and the doors had shut. John just stood there silently he wasn't sure why exactly he was being this way and to be honest he didn't really care, he just wanted to be left alone.

Realizing she wasn't about to get an answer Elizabeth sighed and once again took John's hand, this time dragging him into his little bathroom, grabbing the t-shirt and the pair of sweats that were lying on John's bed as they went.

Once in the bathroom Elizabeth immediately set to the task of pulling all of John's wet clothes off. She wasn't as embarrassed or as uncomfortable doing that as she thought she might have been, but then again her and John's relationship went beyond just friendship, it wasn't anything romantic really, but just calling it a friendship just didn't quite seem to cover it. John stayed silent and still as Elizabeth used a towel to dry him off and then dress him in the sweats and shirt.

Done with that Elizabeth started to pull John out of the bathroom and towards his bed, but this time John was having none of that and pulled his hand away from her, folding his arms across his chest.

"John please." Elizabeth looked John straight in the eyes begging him to cooperate with her and took his hand yet again. This time John didn't resist and followed Elizabeth to his bed, where she promptly pushed him down onto it and covered him with the blankets that had been thrown down to the foot of the bed.

After she had John situated Elizabeth quickly rummaged through John's drawers and found another pair of sweats and a shirt. Disappearing back into the bathroom, but only shutting the door half way so she could hear if John tried leaving, Elizabeth hurriedly striped of her own wet clothes, dried off and changed into the clothes she'd taken from John. The clothes were a few sizes too big for her but they were better than her soaked clothes and there was no way in hell she was leaving John alone long enough for her to run to her quarters to get some dry clothes of her own.

Poking her head out of the bathroom Elizabeth guessed that John had fallen asleep since his eyes were closed, but she wasn't completely positive he had. Standing in the bathroom doorway Elizabeth used her radio to contact Kate and let her know she'd found their AWOL major.

"Kate." Elizabeth spoke softly so as not to disturb John if he really was sleeping.

"Elizabeth did you find him?" Kate responded almost instantly. She'd spent just as much time looking for John as Elizabeth had and was beginning to get really worried when he hadn't turned up yet.

"Yeah we're in his quarters now."

"I'll be right there."

"We'll be here…oh and can you grab Carson on your way here?"

"Carson?"

"Yeah I found John outside in the rain and by the looks of it he was there for a while."

"Right Carson got it."

Finished talking with Kate, Elizabeth moved away from the bathroom and sat down on the bed next to John. John, not acknowledging anything, felt Elizabeth sit down next to him since he hadn't been asleep; he was never going to sleep again if he had anything to say about it.

"I thought I told you to go away?" John didn't open his eyes when he felt Elizabeth rest her hand against his cheek, he didn't have the energy or drive to force them open to look at her.

"Carson and Kate are on their way here."

"You can take them with you when you leave."

"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're ok."

"I'm fine, now go away." John was sure he'd never been less fine in his life…well actually he had once in his life…John ruthlessly squashed that memory before it could fully surface. He didn't want to think about the family he'd barely even known or the things he'd never gotten to experience with them.

It only took Carson and Kate about five minuets to get to John's quarters. Once there Carson started looking John over right away while Kate pulled Elizabeth off to the side to get the full story about what had happened.

"John." Carson gently sat down on the edge of the bed placing his hand on John's forehead checking for fever. "It's Carson I'm just making sure you're ok, so lay still for a second would ya?"

John didn't bother responding, it wasn't like he was going to be able to go anywhere anyway. Keeping his eyes shut John completely ignored Carson while he took his temperature and blood pressure. Feeling the cold stethoscope on his chest was a little harder to ignore and John flinched slightly but other than that didn't react to Carson's presence at all.

"Take a deep breath John."

"No, now leave me the hell alone before I deck you." John wasn't sure if it'd be easier to get rid of Carson with words or just to do what he asked and deciding took too much energy so John just reacted out of instinct at that point.

"Elizabeth's worried about you."

"She's got more important things to worry about than me. Tell her to go away, better yet why don't you leave and take her and Kate with you."

"I'm afraid that's not going to be happening anytime soon. Now sit tight while I go have a chat with Kate and Elizabeth."

Watching Carson stand up and walk towards them both Kate and Elizabeth took a step in his direction, anxious to hear what he had to say.

"And the verdict is?" Kate questioned.

"He's not sick, physically he's fine, but if he was out in the rain for as long as we think he was that could change. I'd suggest keeping him in bed for a few days just to be on the safe side."

"Did he say anything to you?" Elizabeth asked. She wasn't used to John being so quiet and still it was really starting to scare her.

"He threatened to hit me if I didn't leave him alone, but other than that he just basically told me to go away."

"So what do we do now?"

"We have a few options, but for now I agree with Carson we let John get some bed rest for a few days and keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't get sick and then go from there. But I don't want him left alone, whether it's one of us, a team member, or just somebody randomly grabbed from around the city I want someone with him at all times." Kate voiced her opinion.

"That sounds like a plan. But if you'll excuse me, as much as I want to stick around and do what I can to help there are some things in the infirmary I have to get done. I'll be by later tonight to check on him again." With that Carson left the room, but not before throwing a worried look in John's direction.

"I'll stay here if you want to go get changed and finish up any work you didn't get done this morning." Kate offered, pointing at the clothes Elizabeth was wearing.

"What? Mine were soaked and there was no way I was leaving John alone long enough for me to go get some of my own." Elizabeth shrugged dejectedly as she stepped out the door to run to her quarters to change really quickly then come right back.

John heard the three doctors standing over by the door quietly whispering to each other no doubt talking about him but he didn't care. Hearing the door open then close a couple of times John thought that maybe the three had finally gotten the hint and left him alone. But after a moment John felt someone sit down on the edge of the bed and gently place a hand – a female hand, definitely not Carson then – on his shoulder.

"John I know you may not believe it right now but there are people who care about you and want to help you any way they can." Kate spoke softly. John didn't respond but Kate knew he could hear her, of course that didn't mean he was going to listen.

Please don't think I'm crazy
I don't want you to understand
My mind is growing hazy
To heck with your helping hand
Why don't you just leave me alone
This conflict is my own

"I Want To Be Alone"
GREEN DAY