When you lose a part of your self
To somebody you know
It takes a lot to let go
Every breath that you remember
Pictures fade away but memory is forever
"Sonny"
NEW FOUND GLORY
The first few days after Elizabeth had found John out in the rain had been rough. It was an all out war trying to get John to do anything. Elizabeth had done a lot of threatening those first few days. She'd threatened to have John confined to the infirmary hooked up to an IV if he didn't eat. She'd even threatened to have Rodney come give him a sponge bath if he didn't get out of bed and shower. John reluctantly did as he was told simply because if he was in the infirmary then he'd never be left alone and there was no way in hell he was letting Rodney anywhere near him with a sponge.
Elizabeth tried not to take anything John did or said personally – she had volunteered to watch him the majority of the time – but it wasn't always easy. A few times she'd felt like crying and just giving up, but refused to give into John's depression, which threatened to engulf her at times.
By the end of the first week John was sick and tired of being bullied around. He just wanted to be left alone and couldn't understand why the others refused to give him that. After once again being bullied into something he didn't want to do John finally snapped back, vocally and physically displaying his anger at being bullied. It hadn't been much just a cup thrown against the wall and a few choice words yelled, but it'd been the first emotion of any kind he'd shown in a week.
Kate who happened to have been the one with John when he'd had his little outburst hadn't been hurt by or taken offense to the things John had said – particularly the things about her parentage – but instead had seen it as a good sign. Kate had been so pleased by the outburst that John had gotten so fed up with being around her that he'd forced himself out of bed and with his blanket around him retreated into the bathroom. Unfortunately he couldn't close the door like he'd wanted to they'd some how found a way to rig the door so that it wouldn't close all the way, but at least it offered him some sense of aloneness.
Normally Kate would have gone after John, but she decided that this one time she'd let him have his way. It wasn't like there was anything in there he could hurt himself with any way.
"John?" Someone calling his name and the feel of someone's hand on his shoulder woke John up.
Opening his eyes John was greeted with Carson's face in front of his. Waking up a little more John, with a serious crick in his neck, realized he'd fallen asleep on his bathroom floor leaning against one of the walls.
"Go away." John demanded he wasn't in the mood to be poked and prodded. Carson ignored John, sticking a thermometer in John's mouth.
"How're you feeling?"
"Peachy. Go away."
John didn't seem very peachy as far as Carson was concerned. John's temperature was slightly higher than Carson preferred and he sounded a bit congested.
"Any headaches?"
"Just you, Kate, and Elizabeth." John sighed seeing the un-amused look on Carson's face. "Fine. No, no headaches."
"Any coughing, sore throat, or dizziness?"
"No, no, and no. Now leave me alone." Not wanting to deal with Carson any more John closed his eyes again.
"Oh no you don't, there is no way I'm letting you sleep here. Come on let's get you back in bed." Carson pulled John up to his feet and ushered out of the bathroom and into his bed.
After Carson made sure John was covered up warmly and drank a cup of water John, much to his annoyance, feel asleep again. The last thing John remembered before falling asleep was thinking that Carson had to be drugging his food and water, he couldn't remember ever having slept so much.
The next time John woke up it was in the middle of the night after a particularly bad dream. He'd been coming out of the bathroom after getting a drink of water when he noticed Elizabeth sleeping in the small chair someone had dragged into his room, her head resting against the wall. John stood in the bathroom doorway for a minute just watching her sleep. Even from across the room he could tell Elizabeth was worn out and that it was his fault, making him feel guilty, which only added to his depression. Quietly walking over to his bed John pulled his blankets off, walked over to Elizabeth and gently, so as not to wake her, covered her with them. He knew that if she was a wake she'd want to talk about what was going on, he just wasn't ready to face any of it yet.
The next morning when Elizabeth woke up she was surprised to find that someone had covered her with some blankets some time during the night. It didn't take her long to figure out whom, looking in the direction of John's bed Elizabeth noted that he was sleeping without any blankets. It made her smile slightly that John would be considerate enough to give up his blankets to her.
Bringing the blankets with her and gently placing them over John, Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bed softly resting her hand against John's face pretending to check for fever, but really because she needed the physical connection to prove that he was real, that he was still there. John's eyes slowly drifted open when he felt a hand on his cheek.
"Liz?" John, eyes closing again, mumbled not completely awake. He wasn't sure if she was really there or if he was just dreaming. Elizabeth could tell he was still tired; John only ever called her Liz when he was tired and not quiet awake.
"Yeah I'm here John." Elizabeth soothingly ran her hand through John's hair. Elizabeth sat there silently watching John sleep. After a moment John spoke up again.
"Hey…Liz?" John's eyes were still closed.
"Yeah."
"Do you think maybe…you know if you don't have anything more important to do…you could maybe stick around for a while and read?"
John's question caused Elizabeth to look at the book sitting on John's nightstand. Since John never seemed to have time to read it Elizabeth had swiped his copy of War and Peace a while back and started reading it herself. She knew he wasn't asking her to read to him – although she did have a tendency to sometimes read out loud to fill the silence that almost always seemed to fill the room – he just wanted some company, which Elizabeth was more than willing to give.
Grabbing the book off the nightstand Elizabeth situated herself on the bed, back propped up against a couple of pillows, feet stretched out on the bed, and started reading. Shortly after, John rolled onto his side and draped his arm over Elizabeth's waist. Elizabeth was slightly startled at first then realized that John was asleep and probably didn't even realize she was there or let alone he had his arm around her. Not really being bothered by it Elizabeth didn't try to move his arm just sat back and read her book.
"What are you doing Johnny?"
John cursing whatever it was that Carson had given him – and he was positive Carson had slipped him something – had spent the rest of the day slipping in and out of sleep and it was know once again nighttime. Turning his head towards the sound of the voice John found himself staring at the image of someone he hadn't seen since he was ten; his sister, Casey. But for some reason he didn't seem to question her standing in his quarters looking down at him.
"Just laying here…thinking about who I'm gonna lose next that I care about."
"You don't mean that." Casey sat next to John on the bed.
"Sure I do. I mean why not? That's the way it all ways works out in the end. Everyone that I ever care about leaves in one way or another." John figured what the hell he could talk about it with Casey, seeing as how she wasn't really there just a figment of his imagination.
"You're worrying and hurting Elizabeth you know that right?"
"Elizabeth has more important things to worry about than me and she's tough she'll get through."
"Not as much as you might think. If you're not careful you're going to lose her, lose all of them…unless that's what you're trying to do." When John didn't deny or confirm her statement Casey got a look of comprehension on her face. "That is what you're trying to do, so that you don't have to face the fear of losing them. Well you stupid idiot congratulations it's working. But ask yourself this: what are you going to do when they all stop trying…she stops trying?"
John abruptly woke up and shot straight up in bed, looking at the edge of his bed John found it empty. He could have sworn that Casey had really been there; she'd seemed so real. John sat there breathing heavily thinking about the conversation he'd had, was he really trying to push everyone especially Elizabeth away? Hurting her was the last thing he'd planed to do and when the hell had the plan to push her away come up any way? Was he just pushing her away so that he didn't have to fear getting hurt?
Noticing Elizabeth wasn't there like he remembered the last time he'd woken up John feared that she'd already left him, that it was to late to stop her. Hurriedly tossing his blanket off John rolled out of bed and stumbled out his door, not seeing or caring about the dozing Kate, sat in the chair in the corner. Hearing something hit the ground woke Kate up just in time for her to see John go flying out the door. Cursing herself for having fallen asleep Kate quickly went in pursuit.
Arriving at Elizabeth's quarters – one corridor over from his – John didn't bother asking permission to enter he just used his ATA gene and opened the door. The relief John felt when he saw Elizabeth lying in her bed sleeping nearly overwhelmed him. Quickly entering the room John made his way over to the bed and sat down just watching for a moment before reaching out a shaking hand and touching Elizabeth's cheek making sure that she was really there. The unfamiliar contact caused Elizabeth's eyes to fly open and sit up in alarm.
"John what're you doing here?" Elizabeth questioned worriedly when she finally recognized whom it was sitting on her bed. The frightened lost look in John's eyes nearly broke Elizabeth's heart.
"I…I… …don't go." John whispered softly tears welling up in his eyes when he thought about how close he'd come to making the stupidest mistake of his life.
"John…?" Elizabeth couldn't remember having ever seen anyone look so scared and lost before in her life. Instinctively Elizabeth gathered John in her arms pulling him close, as his tears began falling. "Talk to me John. Please tell me what's wrong."
Unable to catch his breath in anything other than stuttering gasps John didn't say anything just sat there holding on to Elizabeth for dear life.
"I'm sorry…" John managed after a moment. Elizabeth didn't know what John was sorry for, but at that moment she didn't really care she just held him as tight as she could, reassuring him that she was there and not going anywhere.
That's how Kate found the two minutes later. Seeing that something important was happening Kate quietly back out of the room leaving the two alone, hoping that maybe John would finally open up and tell what was going on.
It hurt Elizabeth to see John this way, clutching to her like a scared child after a bad nightmare. Pulling away one arm long enough to throw back her covers Elizabeth guided John down on to the bed then pulled the covers back up over both of them. Holding him tight Elizabeth didn't ask any more questions just whispered soothingly as he sobbed after awhile both John and Elizabeth fell asleep.
Waking up the next morning John found that he was alone in bed. Feeling panic seizing him and fearing that Elizabeth really had left for good, John, tangled up in the blankets, tried bolting from the bed and ended up hitting the floor.
"Elizabeth?" John fought himself free of the blankets and vaulted to his feet almost plowing Elizabeth, who'd just come out of the bathroom to see what was wrong, over. Relief washing over him that she was still there John pulled Elizabeth into a tight embrace.
"God I thought you'd left." John murmured into Elizabeth's shoulder.
"Easy John it's ok I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Elizabeth held John closely, not sure what had John reacting like this. "I'm not going anywhere. I promised to help get you through this and that's exactly what I'm going to do." Elizabeth reassured John, thinking he was afraid she'd given up on him. Gently taking John's face in her hands Elizabeth looked him straight in the eyes. "I promise with everything I am that I am not going anywhere ever. I will be right here the whole time you need me."
John nodded his head and Elizabeth took his hand leading him over to the bed to sit down. Getting them comfortable Elizabeth pulled on of her lighter blankets over John and soothed him back to sleep. Just before falling asleep John reached up and captured Elizabeth's lips in a gentle caring kiss then settled back down to sleep.
The unexpectedness of John's kiss left Elizabeth a bit shocked and by the time she'd recovered John was asleep again. Elizabeth wasn't complaining the kiss had been nice and she'd be lying to herself if she said the thought of the two of them together hadn't crossed her mind, but was now a good time to start exploring that possibility?
"She would have been 26." John's softly spoke statement startled Elizabeth slightly. It'd been a few hours since either of them had spoken and she'd thought John was asleep.
"Who?" Elizabeth was curious about who John was talking about.
"My sister Casey. I just realized today would have been her 26th birthday."
"Wanna tell me about it?"
It was a few moments before John spoke.
"You know the other day when you found me in the rain?" Elizabeth nodded her head yes. "Well I had a dream the night before…"
"A nightmare?"
"No. Well at least not in the typical sense of the word this was a good dream I guess you could say….I dreamt about my family only this time they didn't die. And in my dream I got to experience all the family things I missed out on, birthdays, holidays, first car, letting my parents meet my first girlfriend, getting to scare the crap out of my sister's boyfriends, all of those things. But then I woke up and I realized it was all just a lie that none of it was true, and it felt like I had lost them all over again for the first time."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that pain. I wish there was something I could do to make it go away." Elizabeth tightened her hold on John trying to comfort him the best she could.
"Just being here with me and listening is good enough."
John started crying again and Elizabeth just sat there holding him whispering soothingly to him letting him know she was there that she'd always be there. John clung to Elizabeth taking the comfort and solace he never thought he'd find. After a long time sobs turned to sniffles but John and Elizabeth still held on to each other.
"Feeling better?" Elizabeth asked once John's sniffles had quieted down.
"Yeah, yeah I do." John sat up and looked Elizabeth straight in the eyes trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say next. "Elizabeth do…do you…ever maybe think…that maybe…you and I… sometime down the road…could maybe ever..."
"John are you trying to ask if I think there could ever be anything between us?"
"Yeah because you know there was something else I dreamt about that night. I'd dreamt that you and I were married and even had the clichéd white picket fence and the two point five kids…and to be honest I kind of liked the idea of you and me like that. So if there was ever any chance…"
Cutting John off mid-sentence Elizabeth cupped one side of John's face in one of her hands and gently pulled him into a kiss similar to the one he'd given her earlier, seeing that as all the answer he needed. Breaking apart only long enough to take in a lung full of air John quickly pulled Elizabeth back in for another kiss this one deeper and more passionate filled.
Later that night while John was off hanging out with his team Elizabeth sat in her office finishing up some last minute paper work. Seeing the door open Kate walked in without knocking and sat across the desk from Elizabeth.
"So are you going to tell me what the whole thing with John was about?" Kate got Elizabeth's attention.
"He'll tell you when he's ready, but I can honestly say that for the first time since this whole thing started he's gonna be just fine, everything is going to be fine." Elizabeth had never been surer of anything in her life.
I'm sitting on the edge of the water
contemplating my strange life
The sun starts to fall into the ground
A breeze picks up off the waves
And everything is fine
"Let Go"
ADEMA