THE CIRCLE

Author: Enn-Enn

Summary: ...The pain awaits you, and the fear bites with strange sweetness at your beautiful neck.

Pairings: Spike/Dawn-friendship (just for now, something more later)

Rating: PG-13( I suppose )

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I am just a poor little guy!

Time-line: AU Post-Chosen. Dawn is working in Wolfram Hart, but she has a secret agenda...

A/N 1: Thanks to Eurothrashed for her fantastic beta-work !

A/N 2: Thanks to Michelle R., Claire Sterling , Darkest-secret, SamieShalla , Alianora Serein, Russ, Goldenswimmer15, CJ, Veruca Shy, Badboylover and Danielle for the feedback in my fics, and to Fractured Fairytales Awards for the nomination:D

CHAPTER 4 - BETRAYAL

"Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay."

You betrayed me.

You betrayed me with your sexy smiles, and your so simple words; you lied to me. You told me that it wasn't that bad to not be a good guy .You told me that to walk around the world without a soul was the most bloody marvellous thing that could happen to a bloke .

You lied.

You said that it wasn't important where I came from or if I was real or not. You told me the sweetest lies, and I bought all of them like a little child.

I must admit that I was a child then.

You took advantage of that.

You lied to me with nice words and friendly silences. You let me believe that my demons couldn't destroy me, and that my nightmare would finally end. But it never did, no never.

You lied to me with our silent hugs with our poker-evenings and with those freaking sweet cuddling nights. I hate myself because I loved those days so much, those nights.

But all that care was just a farce, wasn't it? If you had dared to kiss me that night, to touch me, to mark me with fangs or lust, all this could have been worth the pain - the betrayal.

You made me love you, Spike; but you never made love to me.

For first time in your long sinful unlife, you wore the white hat. You willingly played the good guy, the selfless guy. Night after night, you ignored the cravings of your demon compelling you to take my blood and the desire of your body to use my flesh. You did such a good job taking care of me, Spike. You were the good older brother to me... and I can't help but hate you for that too.

It didn't matter if you kissed me or not in those grieving days, or in those forgotten summer nights. You can't corrupt a thing that already is already corrupted, can you? You can't steal my innocence if it really doesn't exist, can you?

I never had a soul, Spike; you knew that. You let me get my hopes up. You let me keep my childhood dreams of heaven and future fairytale endings.

Why?

But, really, I told you, that doesn't matter anymore; now that we both have read the book, and know the truth.

Your demon must really be hating you for that. Destiny gave you the chance to be in charge of a tasty morsel and you didn't do anything with it. Very scary unrepentant Big Bad that you are Spike.

Very.

We both remember what happened after that summer. But if you don't, let me give you a clue:

Buffy.

Yup, she came back and you disappeared.

Hello again abandonment issues! Hello again all the petty teen-angst!

But I really didn't mind that.

Really.

I swear!

(Sarcasm is good)

I didn't mind that you left town just when Willow went into her I-have-a-new-easy-way-to-dye-my-hair magick craziness. I almost died, Spike. But I told you, I didn't mind that a bit.

Well, maybe I do... just a little.

The thing that I really minded is the fact that you dared to come back.

With a soul.

A. Freaking. Soul.

Bastard.

Traitor.

What about all those cocky phrases? All those phrases about the goodness of a soulless unlife?

Please, Tell me.

I want to know.

I suspect that they all drowned in a sea of Buffy-ness.

And guilt.

Now I am alone, really alone.

You are here with me now, but eventually you will be just dust. I will be just dust. And so will Buffy. We all will be nothing but dust in the wind.

Then what?.

I'm pretty sure that I will not see heaven. I will not see Buffy. I will not see Mom.

I miss Mom, Spike.

My last hope was you, Spike. You know, the soulless-brave-so-sexy Master Vampire who loved me. That guy doesn't exist anymore. That guy can't follow me to the shadow lands; where the human-keys-without-a-soul end up, not that I think there could be more like me. Yup, I am unique, and therefore, alone.

All this is definite. I cannot avoid my fate this time. It has been written in pompous strange letters from the beginning. This is a thing that you hardly can defeat.

Maybe I shouldn't rest in your arms while thinking all this thoughts against you, Spike. Maybe I shouldn't enjoy these minutes of calm and peace cuddled against your chest (or shouldn't hope that just this one time you could kiss me without any remorse). But I do. I am enjoying it. I suspect that this will not help my case very much.

I don't care. I still feel this thing for you, you know? I simply can't help it.

I can't help the thoughts of a plan to resolve my soul-problem, either.

Don't worry... it is just an idea that I have. It will be worse for me than for you. But it is the only way that we can take to resolve the mess that you have created with your re-souling adventures. Of course my strategies are not always brilliant... but Spike, let me tell you. Your plans? Yeah, well they totally suck.

Why are you looking at me that way?

Oh! You already have noticed that shining in my eyes, haven't you? You don't need to frown, Spike! It is a good plan! I swear!

It's such a good idea that it fits in a single word.

Africa.

TBC