Charlie: I'm back
Erk: And I'm sure no one missed you, and you're still supposed to be doing homework.
Charlie: Oh shut up, I'll get to it-
Erk: Later, yes, I know, it's always LATER!
Charlie: Hey, as long as I still have good grades, it doesn't matter. Or so says dad...
Erk: ...sigh...
Charlie: Anyways, more real events. I like to dedicate this chapter to one of the characters: Patric. He will be depicted using one of his cheapest, deadliest and most annoying tactic EVER.
Erk: And Charlie still doesn't own whatever this thing's call, Halo. And yes, I know you'll get halo based muses LATER.
Charlie: Right-o
Erk: Sigh...
Patric stood in front of his rookies, finding himself at a loss for words. If there was one weakness he had it was teaching. He usually killed all newbies before they even get off the plane. Unfortunately, this time he was too close to use his usual excuse of "I thought they were Blue team members." So there he was, the deadliest member of Red squad, stuttering in front of a bunch of newbies.
"...o-okay...l-list...Ahh screw it." Patric gave up. He held out a pistol and aimed it into the crowd of newbies. The rookies were so confused, that they didn't even realize that Patric was threatening them. "Listen up dirtbags, I'm pissed right now, so your sole mission on Blood Gulch is to go guard the damn flag. GOT IT?!"
"Umm," One private spoke up. "How do we do that?"
"Sigh...just shoot every last person who walks in wearing blue."
"But sir," Another private spoke up. "Aren't you wearing blue?"
"No, this is RED."
"I could've sworn tha-"
BAM!!!
Patric stood with a smoking pistol, standing over the former private. "Anyone else confused with colors?"
The privates all shook their heads.
"GOOD..." Patric growled. "THEN GO DO YOUR JOB!!!"
The newbies jumped and meekly nodded, before heading off to guard the flag.
"Umm, guys." Patric said in a dangerous voice.
"What?" The rookies replied.
Patric stuck a thumb out behind him. "The base is that way."
The rookies flushed. "Oh...right." They stammered. "We just...er, forgot." Then they raced to get into the base, none of them wanting to face the wrath of their commanding officer.
Patric sighed. He was getting pissed at the newbies already, and it hasn't even been 10 minutes. It usually takes 20 to make him mad. He decided to vent his rage on some Blue squad members. Walking over to the supply crate that arrived with the rookies, he grabbed one of his favorite weapons, a covenant design fuel rod cannon, and headed towards the middle left region of the map. He had a job to do, and lets just say he enjoyed his job tremendously.
--
Charlie and Emily stood on top of Blue base, looking at their rookies eat their generic lunches. They were considering training topics to cover for the afternoon, and they had a lot to cover.
Charlie was reading out of a large notebook while Emily constantly shook her head.
"Make up your mind damnit!" Charlie yelled, he was getting impatient.
"I can't, what else do you have?" Emily said exasperated.
Charlie sighed. "Umm, the safeties."
"Ohh, read." Emily said a little hopeful.
"Umm," Charlie read. "Rocket safety?"
Emily immediately shook her head.
"Shotgun safety?"
"No."
"Jeep safety?"
"Heck no."
"Ghost safety?"
"NO!"
"Banshee safety?!"
"NO!!!"
"Tank safety?"
"Oh HELL NO!"
Charlie was getting a little peeved by his commanding officer, but he bit his lip and read on. Emily got more and more discouraged as the list went on.
"Rifle safety?"
"No."
"Sniper safety?"
"NO."
"Grenade safety?"
"No!"
"Melee safety?"
"NO!!!"
"Fuel rod safety?"
"Good grief!" Emily exclaimed. "Is there ANYTHING on that blessed list of safeties that won't get US killed?!"
Charlie scanned down the list, and his eyes lit up near the bottom.
"Teleporter safety?"
Emily brightened. "Yes! That works. There's no possible way they can accidentally kill us with that."
Charlie sighed. Sometimes Emily's trust in the newbies' intelligence is very lacking, but it did keep them alive. So the two quickly ate their lunch and jumped down to meet with their squad.
Johnson and Smith were just finishing their lunches when Emily and Charlie called the squad to attention. They groaned. The morning training had been hell for both of them; Smith was nearly fried in Charlie's rocket rampage and Johnson almost fell off a cliff during Emily's treacherous hike across the canyon. They both expected the afternoon lessons to be just as painful.
"Men," Emily called out. "Now, we're going to give you a break."
Johnson and Smith exchanged surprised glances. Somehow the ideas of "Emily" and "break" Does not go together. The two privates listened on in confusion.
"This afternoon's lesson is so painfully simple, that even a retarded monkey can understand it." Emily continued. "Today's lesson is, teleporter safety."
The privates tensed up. Ever since their arrival, every last private has been dying to try out the teleporter. Now it seemed that they would finally get their chance.
"Teleporter safety is very simple." Emily went on. "There is one rule to abide by, and one rule only: never use the teleporter."
Charlie and Emily braced for it. The collective scream of "WHAT?!" was heard throughout the entire canyon. Every last private was on his feet screaming in protest.
"SHUT UP!" Emily yelled while pulling out a shotgun. The privates immediately settled down. "Look guys, I'm not doing this to be anal, it's for your own safety."
"But why?" Smith whined. "Why can't we use it?"
Emily and Charlie exchanged glances. "Oh trust me, there's a really good reason...we'll tell you when we feel that you're ready."
-meanwhile-
Patric stood behind a triangular teleporter exit, holding his fuel rod cannon. He knew all rookies loved to play with the teleporter, so he waited...and waited.
"Come on..." He mumbled. "I can wait here all day; daddy needs a higher body count."
-anyways-
Smith and Johnson were equally disappointed. They had looked forward to the teleporter, and now Charlie and Emily just banned them from using it. Even worse, all the privates have been given patrol duties, and this intrepid pair are ordered to guard the flag, one of the most boring jobs in existence.
"God, this sucks..." Smith grumbled.
"Tell me about it, at least Jones and Rogers got to see the sights!" Johnson grumbled back.
While the two men were grumbling back and forth, Charlie and Emily climbed to the top of a cliff surveying the canyon. Then they each took out empty sniper rifles and began to observe their rookies. Emily sighed. It wasn't the best way, but it was the only way the two can improve the training here. Charlie carefully tucked his rifle and took out his notebook. Placing it carefully on a small rock, he raised his rifle and began to look through the sights again. He hoped that no one would do anything stupid, but as he trained his rifle on the teleporter, he wished that his rifle was loaded.
--
Jones and Rogers were assigned canyon patrol. They were to search the canyon for any anomalies and report back. The two men griped, even though their job was the most exciting, it also required the most walking.
"Damnit!" Jones griped. "Come on man, lets go use the teleporter."
Rogers looked at his friend. "But didn't Emily say that-"
"Who cares what she said!" Jones interrupted. "Do you seriously want to walk all that distance?"
"Well...no." Rogers admitted.
"Exactly!" Jones exclaimed. "Then lets go!"
"Okay..." Rogers agreed, reluctantly. "But it's your fault if we get in trouble."
Jones laughed at his friend's comment. "Oh what could possibly go wrong?" And with those brave words our friend stepped boldly into the teleporter, followed by a reluctant Rogers.
When the two men appeared at the exit, Jones gloated to his friend. "See? Nothing to it."
Unfortunately, he spoke to soon. Just as Roger opened his mouth to speak, his neck suddenly jerked forward and snapped. Jones watched fearfully as his friend fell dead to the ground, but that fear was unmatched to the raw terror he felt when he saw the Red sniper demon standing over him with a dangerous looking cannon.
"Any last words?" The red sniper asked, with a dangerously evil smile.
Jones nearly wet himself at the calmness of his tone. "P-please don't kill me?" He asked meekly.
The sniper laughed. "Yeah, right, like I'm going to fall for that!" Then he stepped back, and pulled the trigger, sending a bolt of pure energy into Jones, turning the hapless young private into a pile of raw steaks.
--
Patric smiled. His patience paid off, and now his body count just went up by two. He chuckled at the stupidity of these privates. He only wished all Blues were that stupid.
--
Emily turned towards Charlie with a dangerous glare.
"Charlie." She growled. "I want you to board that damn teleporter up!"
"Yes ma'am..." Charlie replied. Even though the teleporter was useful for dumping trash, the thing was still a menace to society, Blue society that is. He made a mental note to board that thing up, when another idiotic act caught his eye. This time, he made sure Emily was aware of it.
Emily looked in the direction that Charlie was pointing at, and the fury in her eyes intensified.
"...Oh for the love of..." She cursed before literally leaping off the cliff and sprinting towards two idiotic blue privates about to walk into the clutches of death.
--
Johnson and Smith had heard the loud explosion, and decided that since no Reds were going to come anywhere near here with Emily around, to investigate. Abandoning the base, the two privates walked to the middle of the canyon, and saw two dead blue privates. Johnson gasped. One he recognized as Rogers, the other was so burnt that not even dental record could identify the man. He turned towards Smith, and was shocked to see Smith looking at him in terror. Johnson was about to ask why Smith looked so scared, when a cold voice pierced his heart.
"Well well well, more fresh meat."
Johnson slowly turned to see the face of death.
--
Patric was ecstatic. His explosion had caused two more idiots to wander into his clutches, and he intended to have fun. After burning those priceless looks of terror into his memory, he asked the ever famous question. "Any last requests?"
"Please don't kill us Mr. Sniper! We're too young to die!" One of the newbies pleaded.
"But not too old to suffer!" Patric replied deviously. But then, he saw a vision behind the rookies. A vision too horrible to behold.
"Err...sorry guys, gotta run, don't have time to kill you now!" With that, he equipped his active camouflage and headed for the hills.
--
Johnson and Smith stared in shock at their fortune. Smith thanked god, thinking that divine intervention saved his life, but as he looked towards his partner, he could tell something was wrong. The look of fear had not disappeared but intensified on his partner's face.
"What's wrong?" Smith asked puzzled.
Johnson lifted a shaky finger at a figure charging towards them from Blue base. Smith recognized the long hair, and immediately a look of terror returned to his face. Then, as if in unison, both privates scrambled to their feet and ran away from the furious drill sergeant charging at them.
"COME BACK MR. SNIPER!!! WE NEED YOU TO KILL US!" The privates screamed hysterically.
Unfortunately, Emily caught her sad privates within seconds.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU MORONS DOING OUT HERE?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GUARD THE FLAG!!!"
"Bu-but..." The two rookies were shaking. "But we heard a huge explosion an-and we s-saw them and we-"
Emily didn't have the stomach to see anymore grown men cry. "Oh shut up you two." She mumbled before looking at the sad remains of Jones and Rogers. "Now you see why the teleporter is off-limits? That crazy bastard camps this place like a boy scout."
Johnson and Smith were still too much in shock to notice anything. So Emily had Charlie take the two off to base. Then she took the liberty of blasting two holes for Jones and Rogers and buried the two dead men.
"Ugh..." Emily groaned as she dusted herself off. "I'd understand if they were kids, but for crying out loud these are grown men..." She mumbled before turning around and walking back to base. 'Not bad...' She thought to herself.
It wasn't bad indeed. The blues only lost 4 men in less then a day; that was excellent compared to the last shipment. Last time...Patric took out the entire lot, in less than 3 hours. Emily shuddered at the mere memory, and when she walked into Blue base, she looked visibly shaken.
"That's all for today men..." She managed before trudging off to her room. She needed a really long bath and some rest. Sometimes, that man can do things not even she can manage to accomplish. Now THAT was scary.
Charlie: ...if you people know Emily, that IS scary (No offense Emily)
Erk: Mmm hmm, sure, pick on the poor girl just because she made you do push-ups that ONE time.
Charlie: Okay, so I exaggerate, what's wrong with that?
Erk: Plenty.
Charlie: Anyways, please review. And don't get attached to any characters, unless it's Patric/Emily/Charlie. Because most of the privates die in some horrible way.