Take It Away
Erik's Point of View
Summer 1886
I watched my mother run about the kitchen, stirring bowls which contained numerous concoctions and pulling cakes out of the oven- one after the other. One would think that someone had told her that if she cooked, she would be rid of me and given a normal child. I dared not ask her the real reason- she seemed to be in some sort of trance, darting to and fro with a determined expression upon her face, glancing briefly at the amount of food she had prepared. I felt that if I spoke to her, I would break a kind of spell that she had been put under, so I sat at the piano, working on a score I had been struggling to finish for weeks.
She finally strode into the room and told me to put on my best clothes. When I asked her why, she told me that it was my birthday. Birthday… What in the world was that?
She noticed my vacant stare and explained that it was the 5th anniversary of my birth and it should be celebrated. She said this without looking at me and spoke them as if she were afraid some unseen presence would hear her.
Celebrated or regretted? I wondered and looked back at the music. She quickly added that I was to receive a present from Marie Perrault, my mother's friend. I didn't reply at once because I was pondering whether that statement was to have made me feel better. If I was to get a present from Marie, was my own mother going to get me one too?
When I questioned her about it, she asked me what I wanted and began towards the kitchen. I followed her into the kitchen as if there was an unseen string that connected us. I felt my hand stray to the napkins on the table- I was afraid she would refuse.
When I told her that I wanted two presents, I felt her relax a little. I tried to tell my hands to come back to my side and leave the damn napkins alone, but it was as if the message was blocked halfway up my arm.
This silence went on for a few moments before she asked me what I wanted, sharply. There was a screech in her voice that made me lunge for the opportunity while it was still available.
"Kisses," I whispered, meekly. "One for now and one to save."
A look of sheer horror slid onto her face as her legs gave way and she began to sob, violently. I had upset her, though I had no idea why. Between her sobs, she told me never to ask for kisses again.
I felt myself grow very small and a little surge of anger flickered inside me like somebody had taken a match and lit it inside my heart. I shrank away from her and felt my fists clench. I didn't know why she wouldn't bring herself to kiss her only son.
I heard myself reject birthdays like she had rejected me and ran up the flight of stairs to the attic. I slammed the door shut with fury and slumped onto my bed, pounding my pillow in hatred.
Suddenly, my eyes caught sight of some children outside, playing tag. They were laughing and shrieking with delight, tapping each other on the shoulder and chasing one another. They were so content in their game, none of them noticed a child's masked face peering down at them in fascination and longing.
Even after they'd gone inside and it was dark, I found myself still gazing out the window like a male Rapunzel- gazing at the world I never knew. I felt an emptiness in my chest that grew vaster with every second passing.
I tried to shake it off; I had learned to be lonely! Why was it now that I needed the companionship of others?
But as much as I tried to shove the children from my thoughts, my mind always strayed back to them. Even as I was dressing for dinner I wondered about them. I noticed that they were not wearing masks…
As I was walking out the door, I heard my mother talking with Marie. I listened for a few moments but I only heard fragments of their conversation because I was clawing at my mask. It had begun to grow itchy and aggravating and it was starting to scrape at the skin under my eyes.
I made up my mind to remove the mask before joining them. I flung it across the room and began down the stairs. If those children didn't need to wear a mask then why did I?
As soon as I entered the dining room, I saw Marie turn as pale as a sheet. She pulled herself together and quickly commented me on my attire. I knew she didn't mean it but I smiled faintly.
My mother whirled around in her seat and her eyes grew big as boulders. The look of terror on her face wiped my smile away as she cursed me and told me to go and put on my mask.
I defied her and asked her why I had too, when I should have shut up and obeyed her. I saw fury swell up inside her like some evil blimp as she made a grab for my shirt collar. She was screaming like a woman possessed as she dragged my resisting form up the stairs. I knew after she opened the door of a room usually locked, a horror that had hovered above me for the past 5 years had now descended upon me.
She grabbed hold of my hair and pulled my head up to face a mirror, no more than 8 inches away from my face. I could hear her staggered breaths of anger behind me as I looked into the glass. I stared into it for a moment, stupidly, and gave a tiny gasp of horror. Oh God, that sight!
A face so gruesome stared right back at me; I felt a tear run down my cheek. To my despair, I noticed a tear running down the face's cheek as well. The face was mine! The face with sunken eyes, scarred, red skin…I did not want to believe it…
Get rid of it! A voice screamed inside my head. Take it away!
I took my fists and trust them into the glass, sending pieces flying in all direction. I let out shrieks of terror and yelled obscenities I didn't even thought I knew. Blood streamed down my wrists and tricked down my arms, but I kept on pounding. Bits of glass had been wedged into my hands and wrists but I did not stop until that face had been eliminated. My mother tried to grip my arms but, to my own surprise, I bit her like a wild animal.
It was only till after I had stopped thrashing at the mirror did the pain sink in. I screamed and grasped my arms, grimacing and crashing about the floor. I saw my mother dash out the room and down the stairs.
"You don't even care," I moaned. "You want me to die…"
The world around me swirled and I grew cold as a block of ice. I felt a hand take mine and the other cradle me like a tiny child. I threw my arms around like a blind child and groaned in pain. A soft voice seemed to cover me like a blanket of protection and soothed me till I was still. I looked up to see the owner of the voice.
Marie.
She smiled weakly at me and assured me that everything was all right. She was using tweezers to remove shards of glass from my wrists and wrapping bandages around the cuts. She did this so gently that I almost had convinced myself that this was not Marie, but some angel that had taken her place.
Marie.
She was more of a mother than my real one. Why did she always permit my mother to continuously push her about? At that moment, she was the most wonderful and compassionate person in the world and I would do anything for her. Even if that meant defying my mother again, no matter how much it would cost me.
When Marie had finished bandaging my wounds, she carried me to my bed and laid me down carefully, while she, herself, sat at the edge of the bed, helping me wrap myself in the blankets and sheets. I thought of them as a type of shield that would will away all horrible thoughts. I felt safe. But then, my mind fell upon the thought of my mother. When I was in pain, she had run from the room in terror. When I asked her for a birthday present, she rejected my plea. When I awoke, bleeding and terrified, I first saw Marie instead of her. I felt immense surges anger at her speed through my body.
Marie saw the troubled feelings in my eyes put her hand on mine, soothingly. I had learned long ago that, even though I wore a mask, I could not hide my feelings; they were planted in my eyes. It was like a game of hide and seek I kept on losing due to a limb sticking out of my hiding place.
Marie's voice jerked me from my thoughts.
"She doesn't mean it, you know," she told me softly. I looked up at her and almost laughed in her face. I could have given her a never ending list of why I would object to such a ridiculous comment.
"Yes, she does," I replied. I could have sworn I heard a distant giggle in my voice. I sat up in the bed and stared her straight in the eyes. "She means it! She hates me and now I know exactly why…"
Marie sighed and looked at my bandaged wrists and hands. I could see posture that she could not argue with me, for my mother must have, at one point, told her about her utter disgust for me. Marie looked back up at me with sad eyes.
"Just try to get some sleep and it will be all better in the morning, you'll see," she assured me with distinct false hope. "You'll see…" She stood up and brushed her hands on her skirt, ridding her hands of blood and bandage pieces.
I didn't hear her leave the room. I didn't hear anything. I had decided that this world was only for ones who obeyed the rules of convention. This world was dull and boring.
Maybe it's time to leave this world behind, I thought sleepily as my eyes shut, entering me into my dreams. An entire world that nobody could see…And it was all mine…
I was standing in a dark room, peering and groping my way around. All was pitch black and I couldn't see an inch in front of my nose.
"Hello?" I called out into the vast darkness in a meek, scared voice.
Silence.
"Is anyone there?" I called out again, louder, convincing myself that there would be a reply this time.
All of a sudden, there was a loud crash and candles all around me were suddenly bright and flickering. I looked around and saw everyone I knew standing around me smiling and holding out their hands to me…even my mother…
I took her hand and she led me through a hallway, not forcing me as she had done earlier. I felt as though I were in some sort of trance, following her like a puppy through a dimly lit corridor. She looked back ever so often, as if to make sure it was still my hand she grasped.
Finally, we reached a doorway and I saw my mother take a key from her sleeve. She opened the door, soundlessly, and led me in. As soon as I had entered, she turned to me and smiled as the door slammed shut, locking itself. I was about to spin around when I noticed that my mother was leaning in to kiss me on the cheek. I stood there almost crying as she came closer…closer…a centimeter away…
Suddenly, to my horror, she disappeared into thin air. I screamed and swiped at the air where she had stood earlier.
"Mamma!" I yelled as the room turned black. "Mamma, come back!"
I made a leap for the door, but slammed into a hard, smooth surface instead. I felt around for the door, blindly, feeling myself break out in a cold sweat. My fingers ran over the smooth surface, onto another wall beside the door. It curved irregularly…like a hexagon…A hexagon? To my surprise, the room was shaped like a hexagon and my hand swept across the walls, leading me around the room, again and again.
Just then, a light from above flickered on, revealing to me where I was. I was in a room, all right, but my eyes widened with fear as I noticed the walls.
Mirrors!
I gave out a scream and covered my eyes, weeping and falling to the floor. The thing that had scared me most was all around me now.
"Mamma, please, help me," I sobbed. "Mamma, I'm frightened!"
I felt a rough hand drag my head up to look into the mirrors. My mask was gone…It had somehow vanished from my face without me knowing it, like some sort of cruel magic trick. The face was staring back at me again, laughing at me and hurling cruel insults at me; each one felt like a knife, forcing it self deeper and deeper into my heart. Tears exploded from my eyes like bullets from a gun as I screamed for mercy.
Suddenly, I was pulled from this nightmare and into the real world once more. My eyes were rolling wildly and I was gasping for air. I saw Marie above me, restraining me by holding my arms. She was trying to sooth me but I couldn't hear anything, for I was screaming like a madman.
"Erik!" She screamed at me. She struck me across the face and I suddenly fell silent, apart from my staggered breathing. I bust into tears that I could not control, as much as I tried. My shoulders bounced up and down with each sob as Marie tried to console me. I pushed her away. I was tired of her always doing my mother's dirty work like some minion. This was my mother's problem and she had to deal with it. Marie stared at me in shock.
"Erik?..." she breathed.
"I want my mother," I demanded, softly. "Please, you have done enough for tonight. You look exhausted…"
I wasn't lying. She looked as pale as a piece of paper and her eyes drooped, lazily. Though she had attempted t pull it back in a bun, her carrot hair hung messily over her face. She took a breath in one last try to convince me otherwise.
"Please," I told her before she even began. "I want my mother…"
She sighed and left the room, starting downstairs. I sat in the dark for a moment, listening to Marie scold my mother about how she had treated me ever since I was born. I heard my mother slump up the stairs to my room.
"Mamma? Mamma?" I called.
She walked into the room, shushing me and trying her best to soothe me. I told her about the face in my dreams, finding it hard to explain it. She took a deep breath and told me that the face will never return or hurt me if I kept my mask on. I, like the curious child I was, took interest in it.
"Is the mask magic?" I questioned softly. She nodded and handed me a new mask, watching me put it on clumsily. I would not be able to play the piano for weeks with those cuts on my hands, due to my own uncontrollable terror.
She saw me wrapped in my thoughts and made an attempt to leave. I grabbed her skirt and begged her not to leave me with that face in the dark. She assured me that there was enough light in the room and left me without any other word. I lay in the dark, looking out my bedroom window at the stars…I wished secretly that I was one of them…They shone so beautifully in the night sky and I knew everyone to gaze at them and marvel at their beauty. Not cower away and curse them…
I drifted into sleep and dreamed I as one of them, watching over the people of the world, winking at the dreamers below me as the stared at me in wonder. But I knew it was only a dream and I would soon be pulled from it when morning came.
If only, I cried to myself. If only I were normal. If only I had someone who would truly love me. If only dreams were real. If only…If only…